Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

My in laws sound very similar to yours I asked them not to do something and they seemed to do their up most to do exactly the opposite. It used to drive me mental when my kids were babies. However I soon realised that I needed them and my girls adored the ground they walked on and I soon realised I needed to chill out. They have raised 3 healthy kids in a different generation and things are so different now. It's all about compromising and finding a leval that you are all happy with or I'm afraid you and your child will be the ones to miss out.

Ohtherewearethen sorry to sound mean and rude. I'm just incredulous that boundaries are off table for swapping spit with someone who can't decide for herself...would YOU want to swap spit with your 70 year old in-laws, parents and another set of grandparents and extended family? As adults, WE can choose.

Agonyauntie2020, that must have been so stressful.

Is it strange to limit people putting saliva in your baby's oral cavities? She's not a dog...

Oh blimey OP you really are sounding unhinged now. We’re talking about utensil use here, not pouring cups of saliva into the back of your baby’s mouth. You still haven’t responded with regards to paying for childcare for your own baby, I note.

If you want to stay home, do that! However, I fear for your poor child being full time exposed to your obsessive and irrational behaviour. You seriously need to get some help. I’d be interested hearing your DP’s take on this. You sound like incredibly hard work to live with. Bear in mind if you cause so many problems with your in laws that your relationship suffers, you get zero control over contact with in laws during shared custody with an ex...

I'd prefer no kissing with the coldsores but OP, you do come across quite frantic & anxious...near hysterical in your post. It is hard to take direction on board if you a) think it is a bit OTT & b) the person delivering it is a bit on the OTT side. Ppl just tend to eye-roll perhaps. So maybe get your message across in a more audience friendly way.... you want them to have access to your baby & enjoy there can be no kissing the baby ...& repeat. Where is your DH in all of this.? If you cannot trust your MIL to care for your child in the way you want then find nursery or childminder.

OP I think you need to book an appointment at the doctors.
Your sister in law may not have know she was getting a cold sore and you embarrassed her by questioning her and your crazy paranoia.
You then state in one of your answers people must all suffer from cold sores because they have not given you the answer you wanted.
Your in laws should not look after your daughter I think the only person that can look after her is you in a protective air lock room.

My child has been on 8 international flights. I took her ALONE on trips. I'm not anxious about other things and she's out for 3 walks a day.

In the UK not everyone with a baby gets a paediatrician.. we are a nation of get on with it unlike America who go looking for stuff . My dh works for an American company and they all know they cholesterol levels and blood pressures etc whereas he has no clue .. the culture is different .. I get cold sores and they are bloody horrible , I wouldn't want my son to get them and yes they can get deadly for tiny babies but honestly there are so many more awful things that could happen to your baby I think you need to chill out .

I let no one look after my baby until she was about 7 months old and I left her with my mum for a couple of hours. I had massive anxiety about it. PIL insisted on taking her for a walk at a couple of months old, were gone for an hour when they said they’d be 10 minutes and I was beside myself. I know that anxiety was extreme but I’m still angry that they pushed and pushed for it when they knew I wasn’t happy.

OP, I do understand your anxiety around your child.

To answer about the specific topic. My mum gets cold sores a few times a year but she is incredibly careful about them. I do not get cold sores. My DD gets them now (has since about 4) and we assume they’re from my mum and my mum is devastated about that. Realistically, she could have got them from her preschool. I never panicked about anyone kissing her but I would probably be more vigilant now as I just didn’t know the risks then. My mum would never have kissed her with an active cold sore or with even a slight inkling that she was about to get one.

I do think the utensils thing is a bit much.

I am neither British nor American and I’ve never had a cold sore in my life. You sound fucking nuts. Not for the principle of protecting your child from cold sores but the way you speak about it and the obsessiveness about it is bonkers.

And the whole thing about not sharing utensils so your kid doesn’t get cavities? Ridiculous. You know kids put all sorts of crap in their mouths right? You know mouths themselves are by nature absolutely riddled with bacteria that we’re supposed to have?

It sounds like you have a significant anxiety problem and need to seek help. We all take precautions to ensure our kids don’t get cold sores from anyone. None of us are screenshotting family members for evidence. You even called yourself ‘a crazy person’.

And if you got the responses you wanted from the American site, why are you trying to garner more sympathy for your cause here?

You sound bat shit crazy. You will end up raising an equally neurotic, paranoid and anti-social person. Quit your job and look after her yourself, no one is going to meet your standards.

They all have terrible TERRIBLE teeth and it runs in the family, unfortunately. My husband's mouth is full of filled cavities and his mom had a mouth infection requiring antibiotics two months ago...

How am I treating people like diseased animals by asking them not to share utensils with a baby?

Ok now you're being absurd. Why the hell do you keep referring to someone kissing a baby's head/cheek as 'swapping spit'? Aren't you aware that there are different types of kisses and the way you kiss a baby is very different from the way you'd kiss a partner? If you don't realise this and think your in-laws are trying to snog your baby then I think coldsores and fillings are the least of your worries. Weird.

I think you have health anxiety and a tendency towards Munchausen’s by proxy. You need to get some help.

Honestly, I think it's really sad that your in-laws are not allowed to kiss your baby on the cheek. That's a really normal expression of affection. Obviously not with an active cold sore! I imagine they feel the need to to hide/lie about cold sores because you interrogate them about it and then won't let them hold the baby. It's not like they have the flu! You really do sound like you have built this into an issue beyond all proportion.

I'm sorry but whilst the things you worry about are real and should be considered your child is more likely to suffer from your high level of anxiety than anything else. Mental health for children is a big issue and you will have far more time with your DC than anyone else. I would be looking to address this before it begins to impact on your baby. I have seen a number of instances of anxious children over the years with anxious parents and it seriously affects their well-being growing up and throughout school. Far more so than the odd cold sore and a trip to the dentist to sort out a filling.

It's all about perceived risk and then our attitude to it. If we over estimate a risk then we will over react to it and ignore other far more risky activity that we don't notice because it's not been highlighted to us by the media. Your IL's do not perceive the risk to be as big as you do and hence their different reaction. They also have seen lots of children grow up perfectly normally without the restrictions you impose so are willing to assess the risk differently. I think you need to research children's mental health to the same extent as you have herpes and dental hygiene and then try to take a balanced view.

Where will it stop. Are you going to wrap your child in cotton wool for the rest of his/her life. Are you going to permanently restrict contact with GP to the detriment of family life.

It does sound like you need to set boundaries around visits and just turning up but as we often say 'pick your battles'

I agree with the poster who suggested that this must be exhausting for you. I feel tired just reading about your anxieties.

My PIL drink a lot, and drink- drive, they also smoke in the house. not the same issue but comparable

So I never let them look after the kids

Just get a nursery/childminder

Breathe op! I think you need to see someone about your anxiety, it must be exhausting!

You're being very rude and insulting to peope who have gently tried to point out you may be over anxious. Your baby, your rules but I can see why your in laws may not be responding well.

So...lots of people say "no kissing with coldsores" but "you are crazy about utensils"
...hmmm...people do realize that you can be shedding the virus and be asymptomatic?

You can pass herpes on without having active coldsores! Hellooo!

Taking everything you say at face value, if they are your childcare, they will do the things that you don't want them to do. The solution is to not have them provide childcare.

As an aside, saying that anyone who doesn't agree with you must have given their baby herpes is very silly of you.

Fuck me but you’re rude.
Insulting people with a different viewpoint never goes down well
Poor kid

DD suffers terribly from coldsores, has done since about 18 months. They're really nasty and usd to infiltrate her whole nose and upper lip. I can only assume she got infected with the virus at nursery as XDH and I don't suffer from them. She now has to take twice daily aciclovir tablets to suppress the virus.

So, I get your worry about coldsores completely, and are justified in keeping your DD away from people who are known to be infected. Although, unless you put her in a bubble she will most likely end up infected one way or another if they are so prolific in that side of the family. But the later she gets it the better I guess.

The whole cavities thing makes you sound a bit OTT though.

You honestly need to find childcare for your own sanity.