Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.


In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.


I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.


She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.


They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

[Pinktornado]

There are so many threads on here of families lying about not being ill in order to get close to a baby, or just deliberately going against a mother’s wishes, seemingly just for the sake of it. I think you’re being totally reasonable.

Both my parents have always had cold sores and I’ve never had them (maybe the reason why I’m agreeing with you ). So while a baby is especially vulnerable I think I’ve heard of research showing some people are less susceptible?

But whatever the research my parents would never go near my baby with a cold sore. And they wouldn’t share utensils because WE’RE THE PARENTS AND WE ASKED THEM NOT TO. Your in-laws sound horrific - I’d rather my shouty MIL who we can at least have it out with when we disagree. Your DH has to step up and deal.

[Natashabobasha1]

I'm not saying everyone who disagrees has herpes. But I'm wondering if people are calling me crazy because they have herpes already or have passed it on.

My husband has it! I'm not against people who have it at all. But I am against lying.

My kid was 4 months old and they kissed her very close to her eyes..the tiny face of a baby has mucus membranes where the virus gets in...that's why I banned face kissing. She whips her head all over and you end up kissing her eyes a
Instead of her skin.....(herpes can cause blindness...I've seen a kid with it in person...no.laughing matter)...

[ImFreeToDoWhatIWant]

So as a mother with facial herpes aka cold sores, you're basically saying I'm incapable of safety looking after my own child and should have had them removed at birth? Riiiiight. You're a goady fucker OP 😂

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@Natashabobasha1

So...lots of people say "no kissing with coldsores" but "you are crazy about utensils"
...hmmm...people do realize that you can be shedding the virus and be asymptomatic?

You can pass herpes on without having active coldsores! Hellooo!

I will ignore your rudeness to address your misconception about cold sores.

Taken from the NHS website. The first tingles to completely healed. That’s when they are contagious. My mum always knows when she is about to get one because she feels the tingles.

[oldmum22]

Why are you so defensive of your behaviour ?

[Neveranynamesleft]

I think maybe you need to realise that everybody has different ideas and opinions , whether that be about cold sores, mouth hygiene or whatever and they may differ from your opinions. Nothing you can do about that . If you have already raised your points in America and now here, where is your next port of call for a jolly good rant going to be ??

Cold sores can also be passed by other means such as sharing towels so you are going to have to be extra careful in lots of other areas too if you aim to stop any possible spread.

You come across as being on the list of people with high anxiety.

[Natashabobasha1]

To the poster calling me goady...I'm assuming you take precautions not to pass on the virus. You aren't denying they are contagious.

The PILs are denying reality and lying to me. THIS is the issue!

[ImFreeToDoWhatIWant]

And I'm surprised your husband puts up with the level of contempt and disdain you show for parole with cold sores. But then seeing as this is goady thread, I highly doubt he does in real life...

[SayakaMurata]

I think you need some counselling OP, you sound extremely stressed and unhinged.

And no, I have never had a cold sore.

[Natashabobasha1]

I'm not defending myself. I'm explaining. I think I owe explanations to the people responding, right?

I.came on mumsnet for different opinions as I suspected the American board was full of in law haters.

[ImFreeToDoWhatIWant]

First day ever posting, OP? 😂

[Neveranynamesleft]

You are possibly hiding your serious trust issues behind the cold sore issue.

Get help for this please.

[Karwomannghia]

I agree to some extent but I don’t think they’re lying in their view, I think it’s more that a lot of people with cold sores don’t see it as a big deal and don’t understand the risks. It can be lethal for a young baby and extremely painful for a child. I’d say they’re just downplaying it.
I, like you, know who gets cold sores in my wider family and friends and I’m very conscious of them. My aunt for example is adorable but very much like ooh try some of this drink when she’s drunk out of it and I can see she’s got a cold sore coming and it’s a horrible situation to be in to have to point it out to someone. On balance I would say be aware, but don’t stop your in laws from being affectionate with your baby.

[BashStreetKid]

Just to lay to rest your belief that there is a conspiracy of cold sore sufferers on this thread, I believe you're unreasonable and I've never had a cold sore in my life.

[InfiniteSheldon]

Ask yourself why you needed to start a second thread? You got an overwhelming response on the other thread agreeing with you so why have you started another one ? This is not about coldsores, child care, kissing or even Mils it's about you and you are obsessed and that's not healthy for you or your baby.

[queenMab99]

I was brought up in the fifties, in a family who on both sides had suffered early deaths from infection, TB, pneumonia etc in the 20s and 30s, and although my parents both came from what would now be classed as poverty, they were both highly intelligent. I am one of 4, we were never allowed to share food between siblings ie. eat off each others plates, cutlery etc. a bite of someone else's apple was not allowed, I have only just realised that there was not much kissing and why. When I was a teenager my mother warned me never to share make up or lipstick. My sister and I were discussing this yesterday in the light of CV.
I did not know about the research into tooth decay but will bear it in mind for my great grandchildren!
I suppose it is up to individual families how they use their knowledge, but in a future where antibiotics don't work, I think any intelligent person should consider the risks of infection, and as herpes is a virus, antibiotics are not effective anyway.

[Natashabobasha1]

ImfreetodowhatIwant....this is not an us and them thing...

I'm not down on coldsore sufferers...

I'm down on bizarre lying to me and attempts to deny objective reality....

I am anxious around people who lie? Who gaslight and manipulate rather than be transparent.

Yes..

[Natashabobasha1]

Thanks, Karowmonga. And everybody! Thank you!

[Ohtherewearethen]

I can imagine the eye-rolling your in-laws must do when you start going off on one to them. I really think it would be much easier for you to quit your job, cut contact with the outside world and raise your child in a sterile bubble with only you for company because anyone and everyone else is not good or clean enough to be around your little darling.
I'm really not sure what you were looking for when you posted on here as you already had the back-slapping you wanted from the other site. Maybe you wanted everyone on here to tell you what a wonderful mother you are and how dreadful your in-laws are aswell? But that didn't go as planned so instead you accuse us all of swapping spit like you do when having sex and deliberately giving our babies tooth decay and herpes, because we must all be riddled with it. How obnoxious.

[Natashabobasha1]

Thanks, rosegold....umm...I'm sorry you are so triggered by this that you have to bash me...... people call people names when they feel threatened or inferior.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Ok. I’m out. This thread is getting more and more ridiculous!

[Natashabobasha1]

An adult's mouth is very different from a child's mouth.... And yes, most adults have cavities. Period. And cavities are an infection of the mouth.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

I’ll add before I leave that I’m an adult without a single cavity. I’ve never had a filling or any issues with my dental hygiene and I’ve never once cared about sharing a water bottle, utensils, etc. with my family.

[Natashabobasha1]

My child has been on many adventures and 8 international flights with just ME! Not sure sterile bubble moms could do that....