Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.


In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.


I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.


She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.


They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

[Hippofrog]

Your husband may well have the herpes virus also, could be laying dormant.

[Natashabobasha1]

I enjoy my baby so much!

I just really want my kid to be close to her grandparents, but I found their denial of reality so insulting and bizarre. I just asked that they not infect my beautiful baby. Is keeping spit in your own mouth that problematic?

Ok I'm off to bed. Thank you for responding. I.think people feel.insulted
..but such is life.


Thanks everyone!

[ShutUpaYourFace]

My 8 month old child came up in a rash a few days after we moved house. I took him to the doctors and we were sent straight into hospital. I was mortified as I had checked for meningitis so on but he seemed ok, was happy in himself. They confirmed he had herpes but his condition baffled them. They said usually children would be admitted and placed on a drip because they were so ill. By this time the rash was everywhere but he was happy playing seemed non the worse. NO ONE in my family has cold sores. I had no knowledge about the illness at all. On checking with his nursery I found out another child had also fallen ill with suspected herpes. They strongly denied the cases were linked! I highly doubt anyone there had kissed him! But I'm sure that's where it came from. I deep cleaned my new home anyway and all is now fine.
He made a quick recovery.
You have to understand as a parent that sometimes things are out of your control. Trying to take control of everything will only stress you out. If baby shows signs of a rash or illness take them to the doctor. They will always get colds / bad tummies. At 9 months he got chicken pots from his older brother. You can't stop viruses as we know. Your MIL lied because she's probably trying to keep you calm and she wants to see her grandchild.
You've pointed out how you feel so stop obsessing. As long as cutlery is clean why would you not share. Relax. parenting is stressful enough, don't make it worse for yourself.

[Standrewsschool]

Sharing utensils does no harm at all. What are you worried about? I’ve never heard of bacteria causing cavities before from sharing utensils. Your dc will soon be touching everything in sight,picking up stuff, putting their hands in their mouth etc. Bacteria, good and bad, is everywhere, and by mixing with it, kids build resistance.

Perhaps when you asked, she didn’t think she had a cold sore at that time, , until you pointed it out, rather than in general.

You sound over anxious, and Worried over the slightest thing. I agree about no kissing on the lips, but a quick peck on their forehead will be fine.

[Fisharefriendstoo]

I think it’s fine to have a rule that no one kisses the baby. I have the same rule . It’s unnecessary for a baby to be kissed on the lips.

My sister suffers cold sores but she doesn’t lie and is stringent about hygiene. Unfortunately she suffers when she is run down. I don’t get too anxious because I completely trust her as she wouldn’t want to give anything to my son for the sake of a kiss.

Didn’t know about utensils causing cavities but DS was BLW and didn’t bother with utensils and just used his hands to stuff his face. Still does now sometimes at almost 2. No one has ever spoon fed him much to My mums & MIL dismay.

If you can’t trust them though it’s paid childcare or you.

Maybe MIL doesn’t get cold sores until now or has had them rarely or once in the past so didn’t think it was relevant?

[mummmy2017]

My mum used to get cold sores, and so do I, but not my dad or my siblings.
My ex never got one off me, nor did my children.
When you first get a tingle in your lip, you know one is on the way, I just tell children, don't use my stuff or steal my drink.
I'd show her an article about how it harms babies, tell her you know she would never want to harm her GC and just carry for zivoracs cream ...

[mathanxiety]

Cold sores are not fatal but they can be a massive pain in the butt. Some people get off lightly but some have one on the go all winter.

In babies and small children they can affect the gums, tissue inside the mouth, and the face, as well as the lips. The virus can cause eye problems if transferred to the eyes. There can be secondary bacterial infections if a child picks at the sore of gets dirt in it. Sore mouths can lead to feeding problems.

People in the US don't get a huge amount of time off to care for a baby or child who is ill with complications from cold sores.

It's not going to kill a grown adult to refrain from kissing a baby during an outbreak. Adults are supposed to be capable of deferred gratification and putting others first.

[NoMoreDickheads]

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities"

Erm, no. Maybe it does theoretically but not actually. Bacteria are everywhere but we just brush our teeth and don't eat too much sugary stuff and it's ok.

I can see your point about the cold sores thing, but that bit above is wrong.

[needhandhold]

I think YANBU. I wouldn’t let anyone with cold sores touch my kids! No way. It’s disgusting. The rest is a bit weird and you need to calm down about the teeth bacteria

[lotusbell]

You say you've not had an open conversation with the family about them but you seem to have discussed it with them several times and you've made it clear to everyone (else?) Via whatsapp and in person so why not have that conversation? You sound as if you're stressing out over this and other potential health issues for your baby, it cant be doing much for your mental health. You need to be polite and firm about your boundaries if you insist on them, not whispering gently to members of the family. You're coming across as a bit highly strung and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how you can prevent contact as your child grows up?

[Natashabobasha1]

It's occurred to me that some people think I don't like sharing clean cutlery...


I don't like people putting utensils that have been in their mouth into my kid's mouth...

She should have her own knife and fork. She's her own person...

Think....


MIL has gum disease and has teeth removed yearly.

Do you want to drink.out of her glass? Do you want to share her fork?

Didnt think so

[Sicktaethebackyeeth]

You need help, OP. It’s not normal to be this neurotic

[AJPTaylor]

How about openly TELLING them that you are concerned about transmission?

[Livpool]

YABVU

And I have never have a cod sore and only shared utensils with my DS when he has stolen food from my fork!

You seem a bit obsessed

[earlydoors42]

People don't "feel insulted". They disagree with you.

By the way, I don't have herpes and neither do any of my children. My husband does but hasn't passed it on.

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

The fact that this is your second thread on exactly same thread is something you need to share with a trusted friend/ health visitor or counsellor

[Natashabobasha1]

I'm on a different time zone

[Wowthisisreal]

@natashabobasha1 You keep saying how you posted this on a US board and the women there are frothing at the mouth. I don't really know what you expect us to make of that? Obviously the cultures are very different - do you like in the UK or the US?

YABVVU. Before you say it yourself, I get cold sores. Mine come on very suddenly and are normally linked to when I get my period (hormonal). I probably get one every 5 months but more frequently if I get stressed. I didn't get a cold sore until I got my first period. My brother used to get them all the time as a child until he reached his teenage years (and hasn't had one since) and my sister never got them. My mum has cold sores but my dad has never had one in his life. My husband (I've been with him for 15 years) has never had a cold sore.

I also have a 15 month old baby. I am very afraid of giving cold cores to my DS so when I feel one coming on I do not kiss my son. When he was very small I antibac'd every time I breastfed him or picked him up when I had a cold sore. When my mum saw him she would tell me if she felt a cold sore coming on and wouldn't get too close to him. As he gets older it is more difficult - he is all about grabbing my face and although I try to avoid him touching my face he tries his best on a daily basis - he does not get the memo that I have a cold sore. I just wash his hands immediately.

I guess my point is... (and why I say YABVVU) do you suggest I NEVER kiss my child? EVER? Because I have this virus? That's what you are asking of your ILs.

If that's the extent of your paranoia then I suggest you do quit your job and take full care of your own child and keep them away from all those virus-ridden relatives of yours.


And the utensils thing - just Wow.

[Ineedcoffee2345]

Yanbu about the coldsores its very dangerous. I suffer from them but neither of my children do as i dont kiss them on the lips, noone does. The sharing utensils is ridiculous you need to calm down.

[Azerothi]

The way you write seems to be full of disgust for your in-laws. And yet at the very end of the OP is that you're using them for free childcare when you want to leave your baby to go back to work. It doesn't make a lot of sense does it? Is there something else going on?

[turnthebiglightoff]

Why do you keep banging on about people "putting saliva in my child's oral cavities"? It's really bloody weird, American or not. This is why we are much more sensible here and have GP's and don't consult paediatricians unless baby is very unwell. You do need to address your anxiety; the gum disease stuff is utter crap so I'd start there. Speak to a dentist.

[Natashabobasha1]

Noguckingworriesmate....I talk to my family and friends about this. They don't lie to me or gaslight me or accuse me of being crazy
... I have lots of people in my life.

The lazy response "seek help".

Ok night night. I'm really leaving now. Got to get up with my gorgeous child tmrw. Bye! Thanks for the non lazy responses!

[artyandtarty]

I see you OP.

I would be livid. Face herpes around babies with no immune system can be dangerous,
The lying would infuriate me, I doubt that the in-laws will stick to what you believe in - whether they agree with it or not is not their business & you are entitled to instruct whatever beliefs as it's your child.

I couldn't trust them, they've already proven themselves incapable of sticking to what you've asked & they've already lied about having the face herpes!

This would make me feel ill, I don't think you are over reacting OP.