Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

I am sorry but I too think you're going a bit overboard (and its not your writing - I lived in the US and work with Americans more than Europeans daily).

You say its about lying and why would she lie? Maybe because you're so highly strung about it and they fear you may end up prohibiting them from seeing their GC?

My sibling has had cold sores since childhood. I don't. My parents don't. The third sibling doesn't. I have a 6m old baby. Of course, if my sibling has an active cold sore they won't kiss the baby (and if they wanted to - I WOULD ask them not to) but anything beyond that is going overboard.

This is so weird. I wrote an identical thread on an American site DWIL and those women were frothing at the mouth in support of me. I do appreciate the varied opinions, though...I'm also curious as to how many of these people telling me I'm nuts have given their children herpes, themselves.

For anyone saying OP is ‘bonkers’ please read this
www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

I have a feeling this might end up being the thread of the day.

This family are not going to stop and your child will almost certainly be exposed to cold sores. I'm sorry about that because the same happened to me with the childminder and it still pisses me off every time my kids have an outbreak. This family really seem to suffer with them though - what's going on there?
Your problems will continue and there's nothing much you can do. Move? Otherwise just vent on mumsnet I suppose.

Interesting...okay I'll try easy breezy, I guess! I'd never prohibit them from seeing the baby unless they were sick. The pediatrician said nobody with active lesions should be in contact with the baby. I.e. no holding her.

MIL gets an occasional cold sore. Very occasionally dd1 does (once every three years or so - but that said, hasn’t for years). No one else does (two other DCs.) Is it theoretically possible that dd1’s came from MIL? Guess so. Do I care? Not particularly. All three have a great relationship with their grandparents. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to lecture them on oral hygiene or take photographic evidence of facial lesions... and I shared cutlery with all of the DCs.. God I’m sure at one point they tried to feed the dogs and then stuck the spoon in their own mouths. They crawl on the floor and eat dirt, sand, worms... Kids are filthy beasts.
Should you occasionally remind people with active cold sores not to kiss babies? Sure. Should you lecture your relatives about oral cavities and ban cutlery sharing? Sorry, you lost me on that one. Look it still makes me wince when I see mums pick a dummy off the floor, suck it clean and then pop it into the baby’s mouth, but just because I can’t get my head round sucking a dummy, rather than in some belief that the poor child’s teeth are going to be ruined forever
It’s all vairy intense. Relax. By the time you have three or four you’ll be licking their spoon yourself.
That said, you are still stressing over an incident that was 6 months ago. And seem to believe that your husband’s family require education. From you. I would second asking for some help with your anxiety. And possibly chilling the fuck out so that you don’t alienate your child’s family completely. (And also so she doesn’t start adopting your views of your in-laws as disgusting illiterate no-hopers who present a danger to the precious).

Also, I thought it was a given not to share utensils with small children to reduce tooth decay- hence all the plastic baby cuttlery.
Streptococcus mutans bacteria can cause tooth decay.

No I have not infected my children with herpes I just disagree with you. Kissing a child on the cheek when you have no coldsores is a very low risk thing to do. When you try and prevent your inlaws from holding your baby and are shaking and sweating in fear then you obviously have a problem, that is not normal behaviour.

OP you asked what you need to do about the lying-simple answer is you need to pay for childcare and not rely on free childcare from people you clearly despise and distrust. Are you going to do that?

Nohardsell, how did it happen? Did the child minder know the risks? Did she kiss your kids on the mouth? I guess you'll never know...but I don't want to regret this in my own child's life.

And being all superior and stating that anyone who doesn’t agree with you has clearly given their babies herpes....well let’s just say that doesn’t reflect well on you. You’re coming across as immature, controlling and hysterical.

Pay for childcare for your own child, problem solved. Or is the problem that you want freebies but not what comes along with it...?

Why post on here then if you've already got support on another site? I've had bad anxiety in the past and its miserable. You must be exhausted OP.

Why are you asking on here then if you got the responses you were looking for on the 'American site'?
For what it's worth, I've never had a coldsore either so no, we're not all in some coldsore defence club. You're coming across as rude, smug and a bit nasty in your responses to be honest.

You are being utterly ridiculous and completely unreasonable. Cold sores are contagious and obviously that person needs to e careful when they have them. But when they don't there is no issue.
As long as utensils are cleaned properly between eating there is no risk to anyone.

If you have already got the answer that you want on an American page, why are you now asking on a UK one. You obviously don't like the answers you are getting, so maybe go back to the American one where they agree with you.

Rainycloudyday I never had a reason to dislike them until now, honestly. It's the "we're not listening"/"we deny reality" thing that makes me angry.

My MIL came to see my baby at one week old with an active case of shingles which she concealed for the first few days then says her doctor had told her it was fine. I went out of my mind with stress for days on end. I don't think I ever forgave her for it. I understand OP and I wouldn't want any one like your SIL who, with regular outbreaks, could at any time be about to get one, kissing my baby.

I don't know what you can do. You live close. Maybe explain how careful your husband will be and how disappointed/saddened you will be if your baby/and later child gets them if people are not careful, and how unnecessary it is because all people need to do is be careful.

And keep an eye out and point out patterns you don't like?

I am aware that so far, I'm bucking the trend of most responses on the thread but I totally get it.

Kissing a baby when you have a cold sore is horrible, but I didn’t know that it was particularly dangerous. I just googled and read the NHS advice which is about neonatal herpes, i.e. up to 4 weeks old. Everyone hyperventilating about cold sores killing 10 month old babies needs to calm the fuck down. But obviously people with cold sores should definitely avoid contact that could spread them.

The utensil/bacteria/gum disease is just bonkers.

I had Post Partum Anxiety and it's not a laughing matter. I'm surprised that so many posters on here are being sarcastic and flippant, and even so ignorant as to call OP "nuts". Absolutely disgusting and vile thing to call a new mother who is clearly struggling. You should be ashamed.

OP, please speak to someone about this. It might get worse. You don't have to suffer alone, there is support available if you reach out for it. Your GP would be a good place to start, or perhaps speak to the organiser of your parent's group, if you are part of one.

Hi rainycloudyday...I don't want freebies. I'd rather stay home with my kid. The in-laws want to take care of her.

But I don't think babysitting should come with herpes and cavities. Sorry, not sorry.

Is it strange to limit people putting saliva in your baby's oral cavities? She's not a dog...

You are so right. Personally I'd keep your baby indoors till they are at least 18. No chance of catching anything then.

Moita, I'm well rested. I've been away from the in-laws due to covid since February. I've posted on here because I suspected the DWIL board was out for in law blood.

They probably think you'll stop them from ever having contact with the baby since cold sores are recurring. You sound incredibly over anxious about it, I say that as someone with 2 kids and no cold sores.

Of course they shouldn't hold the baby when then have an active cold sore, they shouldn't be kissing her on the face anyway (I've always hated that). But you sound obsessive even when they don't have breakouts so they most likely daren't tell you.

The utensils thing - yes, there is evidence, but there is evidence for most things. The upshot is that the risk is so tiny and it's not prolonged use that putting an outright ban is overkill.

They shouldn't have lied to you, but I can see why they would as your anxiety levels are way higher than is normal over these issues they they were most likely concerned for what you'd do.

If you think about the millions of babies who haven't suffered tooth decay because grandma used the wrong spoon then it may give you some perspective. The cold sore thing has more weight of course, but treating them like disease ridden animals whether they do or don't have an active one is horrible behaviour.

I’m paranoid about cold sores too and I would be so annoyed if someone kissed my baby while they had one or lied about.

YABU about utensils