Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

You don't know me, clearedfortakeoff...but I can accept that I've annoyed you with my post and responses.

Well I've read this thread and found it highly entertaining. And OP I think you are a massive pain I'm afraid. However.

Cold sores can be no joke. You may not be able to guarantee your children don't get them but you shouldn't put them in a place where they almost certainly will. If the PIL gave their own children cold sores is it likely you can have a sensible conversation with them about your children? Probably not.

So the only option you really have is to move away. They don't sound terribly bright so an adult conversation is perhaps not an option. And you would need to be considerably more measured and I doubt that will happen either.

So you'll have to invent reasons to keep them away while giving up your cosy little terribly paid childcare job and arranging for you and hubby to live elsewhere - and you will need to contribute financially because you're the one that wants it.

Then the in laws won't be able to pop by. Or kiss the child. And you can relax a little. I wouldn't want people coming in without warning, looking in windows and planting cold sores on my imaginary kids either.

Do dust yourself cv off because you'll need a proper job and to not owe them anything financially.

Oh and has no one here heard of suppression therapy? There's no need to get cold sores you simply take 400-800 mg of acyclovir daily. The end.

I never realised cold sores were such a big deal to people 😂 I had a few during my uni years but never had one since. It honestly wouldn’t occur to me to not kiss my baby in case I passed on the herpes virus. I don’t know anyone who gets them all the time. It can’t be worth all this headspace surely?!
OPs child could get a cold core from anyone in school as she’s growing up but the in laws will be blamed no doubt.

That was a long post about a coldsore

Suppression therapy? Oh yes. That well known, cheap, nhs funded ( I know OP in US!), routine recommended treatment for the masses. That's simply not practical.
What is practical, without all the OP's dramatics, is practicing good infection control, which we should all be doing anyway, after all, it is 2020, as a safe, measured approach.
And knowing the full informed facts.

What do you do, OP, you mentioned you work with children? What other rules do you implement whilst working with them?

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Sizedoesmatter Legit have no idea what you're going on about but crack on darling 😂

Oh that's OK, I wouldn't expect a person who uses the word 'legit' to be able to comprehend simple sentences

Well ive never had one thank goodness but they look so awful, they leave a scar, they take ages to heal, they can kill babies, people do not want to get a cold sore!! Of course it's a big deal. I believe they hurt or sting badly too.

Some people on mumsnet trip over themselves to show they don't care about anything.

YANBU coldsores can be life threatening for babies. Maybe you need to show them the horrific pictures of what happens when some babies get them.

I'd get DH to explain that you both know she lied and it's making her seem untrustworthy.

But surely you can see there’s a massive difference between not wanting to pass on a cold sore - avoiding kissing a baby while you had an active cold sore and not kissing your baby’s face ever just in case. It just seems very disproportionate to me.

Well would you take the risk? Because it is a risk.
Would your child thank you for being so relaxed about the risk?

You are neurotic OP.

Yes I’ve taken the risk and continue to do so. I’ve had cold sores in the past and kiss my kids faces now. Honestly before reading this thread it just wouldn’t have occurred to me not to. Obviously if I had a cold sore right now I wouldn’t.

@blownaway1 just an aside - but you should do the research of the herpes virus and babies. I thought I had a cold sore when DD was about six weeks old and went to the doctor to get them to check because I was so worried I could pass the virus on to her. It can have devastating results on babies and really isn't something to be cavalier about.

I will do thank you. I thought there was only a risk if you actually had a cold sore.

Blown away there is only a risk when you do, or are just starting to feel it.

Not sure why suppression therapy is not practical porpoise? I mentioned it for other people who have had their lives made a misery and are scared of passing it on. Someone who gets severe and regular cold sores may not know about it and it's a cheap drug if you're paying. Just to have the whole thing go away. That's life changing. Not everyone knows this - and you can even just order it online from UK pharmacies. No cold sores while you are taking it. Acyclovir (tablets) 400-800 mg per day for anyone that missed it. I'd say that very ducking practical if it reduces the overall number of severe cases - there's different strains surely as with any virus?

You probably already have the herpes virus OP, you’ve just not had a coldsore yet. Why don’t you put your child up for adoption just to be safe?

www.who.int/news-room/detail/28-10-2015-globally-an-estimated-two-thirds-of-the-population-under-50-are-infected-with-herpes-simplex-virus-type-1

I've read the whole thread and I'm astounded by the OP's arrogance. It's her way or the highway so why bother posting?

I loved this thread, so entertaining. I think OP uses extreme words with strong connotations attached. For example LIE, swapping spit, incredulous and burn her/burn the in-laws... maybe one or two are okay, but everything she writes is like this. So dramatic.

Very dramatic indeed. And no suggestion that any of us could possibly just simply disagree with her - no, she must have touched a deep nerve and we obviously all have herpes.

Sorry love, no herpes here and no nerves of any depth touched. I just don't agree with you.

You all can disagree or not. Whatever you like. I think my words sound extreme? I speak and write passionately, maybe? I certainly didn't say that everyone has herpes who disagrees with me...you are twisting my words, but that's okay!

I just go for direct as much as possible when writing. Maybe it's rude to some? I'm not swearing or calling names...

When I work with nursery school aged kids, mu rules are 1) wash your hands before eating 2) no hitting or biting or scratching 3) if your food falls on the floor, I'll give you some more 4) I wash my hands before and after wiping their bums...5) I offer my cheek for them to kiss if they try to plant a kiss on me

I got great advice! You are 100% RIGHT!!! My job sucks IS paid poorly. I'm only in it because in-laws helped financially so it made things too easy. Thank you @Vodkacranberryplease

Oh and I've seen nursery workers pick pizza off the floor which landed on the toppings side and let kids eat it..

And teachers with active outbreaks get very close "cheek to cheek" with kids and I've been concerned.

But I can't say anything because I'll be considered a rude, controlling germaphobe...

Oh dear, you really need to calm down. As your baby becomes more mobile you will find they shove everything, and anything, in their mouths. I still remember my children helping themselves to the dog's biscuits, and one of them used to enjoy the occasional mouthful of dirt from the garden. No one died

@Natashabobasha1 not sure if it's a facetious thank or a real one and either is fine. But the best and only way to get control over your own life is to
make your own money. Then no one can look in your window or turn up unannounced as you simply move.

It's a shame as they may be very loving grandparents but if they can't have an adult conversation about this and their son can't either then you have to change the situation. Sometimes the easy way out isn't that easy after all.

Ideally you could sit down with them and say please please sort out your cold sores and if you have them please no physical contact. But as I've said they don't sound terribly bright.

I don't think it's too much to not want them kissing/touching the child when they have sores. Start asking for more than that and it becomes a drama. Why don't they just both take acyclovir and them it's problem solved?

I should think though they are currently utterly utterly humiliated. And devastated. This is a very delicate subject and you need to be a lot more diplomatic if you want to get through. Surely you know that working in child care?