Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

Um, are we going to ignore that you “put lettuce leaves on the floor” for her to play with?!
Stretching credibility here.... bollocks. Nobody puts lettuce leaves on the floor for a baby to play with.

Bonkers. Also washing hands without soap isn’t washing hands, it’s getting them wet not clean.
I thought this too but I've never had a baby so I didn't really know if there's a reason why you shouldn't wash a baby's hands with soap.
I find this bizarre that when someone is so concerned about cold sores and shared oral bacteria, they think washing a baby's hands with just water is hygienic.
But as I say - never had a baby so maybe I'm missing something here.

I think you're obsessing a little too much. Herpes is dangerous and you've asked them not to kiss your child. You can't lose sleep worrying about the fact they might do. You can't cut family off because of cold sores.

I'm going to ask again why you're sexualising kissing babies? It's deeply disturbing and a safeguarding concern.

Is anyone else starting to think this is a stealth boast about the baby having been on 8 flights?! It's been mentioned so many times!

It reads to me as though the family isn't lying because the OP has 'overreacted' - she has reacted this way because they lie about when they are getting cold sores.

It's all very well for posters to say 'it's fine so long as they don't kiss a baby when they're having a break out' but if the SIL lies about having the tingle and the MIL lies about her partner getting them at all, then there is no way the OP can trust them to steer clear when they are the only ones who know that they've got a cold sore brewing.

It doesn't matter how many parents have been careful and not given them to their babies - the family in the OP are NOT being careful - they are lying about having the tingle, pretending they don't get them at all and avoiding the issue and that's what's stressing the OP out. It's perfectly understandable and I am surprised at the number of people who have confidently asserted that the OP is being over the top when then potential impact of contracting the virus is so devastating.

Jings, OP, you've had a bit of a flaming here.

I think you maybe need to reframe this for yourself.

Its a fact that ILs have not been honest about something that you feel is extremely important to your DC's health. For you to make peace with any decision you make on the back of this you need to consider their motivations. As I see it there are 3 possible senarios:

1. the risk is as extreme as you fear and your ILs just don't care if your DD comes to harm/death.

2. the risk is as extreme as you fear and your ILs are appallingly stupid and are willing to cause death/harm due not wanting to become educated.

3. the risk is not as extreme as you fear and ILs believe that behaving as you wish will fuel the negative effects of the situation.

I think, from your posts, that you fear #1 but believe #2 is most likely. Quite a lot of the PP think #3 is closer to the truth.

Do you know the technique used in CBT to come to a balanced conclusion? I can't remember it exactly but it involves gathering evidence for and against any position and trying to evaluate it in the absence of emotions that might inflame things. It's fairly easily available on Google if you fancy giving it a try.

Lastly, before I draw this edition of the Encyclopedia Zombianica to a close, it might be helpful to consider that, while neonatal herpes is absolutely devastating, it's just that - neonatal. Once your DD was out of that period her risk of harm became the same as any other person. I'm not an expert in neonates, or children's medicine so you would be wise to check with someone who is, but this is my understanding. About 80% of us will have this virus and for most of us it will have no symptoms or bad effects.

I agree loosely with both your points OP (not the no face kisses, ever though), however you seem to be very intense with informing your ILs and extremely stressed about it all.

Do you trust your DH? Does your DH trust his family with his child?
How does he feel about his parents, and your reactions?

But no kisses on faces ever? Not even lovely munchy baby cheeks? That seems very extreme.
Are you including you and your DH, after all you have germs too?

Half my family come from a hot climate where strict hygiene was followed to try not to spread diseases so I agree that sharing cutlery/cups isn't hygienic. So we don't. It's no big deal though.

With C19 about you can use that to highlight that you don't want you ILs to catch anything from your baby, or the other way around.

Remember they won't deliberately be trying try to harm their grand child, or to piss you off. Just keep talking.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

I'm going to ask again why you're sexualising kissing babies? It's deeply disturbing and a safeguarding concern.

I would ask you more why you think it is OK or acceptable to kiss someone else's child on the face, a child who cannot tell you 'no I don't want your mouth on me' and whose parent is telling you not to. I can't see how anyone thinks that's alright? Would you do that to an adult? Nó because it's bloody well weird.

You don't need to kiss a baby to bond with them, I also don't think she was 'sexualising' it, I think she was being a bit over dramatic due to frustration. Stop going on like she's going to harm her child sexually because of a fleeting statement on an Internet form, that's what's weird.

I think you’re being OTT. And I have never had a cold sore in my life.
I think as someone else had said, you won’t hear reason because you’re in the grip of overwhelming anxiety.

No kissing during a cold sore - fine.

The rest - no sharing utensils etc? You sound quite unhinged.

If everyone was like you humans would never have survived 🙄

Coming on here just for the updates to see how further unhinged the OP is.

Shout out to all the mums who will let anyone kiss and cuddle their baby just for 5 minutes peace and a hot cup of coffee.

Why,scheffsm? The lettuce leaves sound like a great way to do sensory play.

People making an issue of baby wearing are also ridiculous.

There is a genuine risk of transmitting heroes virus if you have a cold sore. But no face kisses ever and screenshotting developing cold sores on FaceTime is OTT.

Herpes not heroes ffs

....why don’t you use soap?

I have never had a cold sore (touch wood) and I would be absolutely livid if people lied about not having them and then accidentally infected my baby.

I go to lengths not to catch them myself, so for a family member to infect an innocent child? No way.

However the utensils things does sound OTT, OP.

You sound batshit crazy

I expect the OP is using the expression 'babywear constantly' as an exaggeration. No 10m old wants to be held all of the time, so I assume she means multiple times a day, when the baby wants a cwtch etc, and the baby still gets plenty of time to play (I do similar). Though given some of her attitudes, I'm not sure whether I should give her the benefit of the doubt with a common sense explanations.

OP I understand you wouldn't want people kissing your baby whilst they have active coldsores who would?
I have always suffered with coldsores myself (I've also managed to raise 2 children, one who is now a fully grown adult who have both never had a coldsore in their life, yayyy go me....) .
You do however sound slightly unhinged and a bit OTT and I agree that maybe you might want to look into passing your anxiety and neurosis onto your child as that sounds more likely than them getting coldsores.

@Sizedoesmatter
If you did some research into cold sores and how they can litreally kill young babies, then you'd understand
The above refers to neonatal herpes which can affect young babies as you’ve said.

The OP has said her child is 10 months old. The baby is not a neonate and therefore the references of the danger “young babies” and of neonatal herpes are irrelevant here and are just unnecessary scaremongering.

[quote Nestofvipers]@Sizedoesmatter
If you did some research into cold sores and how they can litreally kill young babies, then you'd understand
The above refers to neonatal herpes which can affect young babies as you’ve said.

The OP has said her child is 10 months old. The baby is not a neonate and therefore the references of the danger “young babies” and of neonatal herpes are irrelevant here and are just unnecessary scaremongering.[/quote]
So do you think it's acceptable then to knowingly risk giving a baby or child a cold sore? Because I certainly don't and I'd be very bloody annoyed. My MIL kissed my toddler on the jaw before with a very obvious cold sore, and when DH pulled her up on it she denied that it was a cold sore and said it was just a chapped lip 🙄

In my case, my toddler is under 2 and I have a newborn due any day now, if he had caught it (luckily he didn't) and had a flare up when his sister was small, or around other peoples babies in general, it would be very difficult to stop him spreading it.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what age the child is. Don't fucking kiss children with coldsores on your face, it's disgusting and irresponsible. I don't like people kissing my child at all, partly because ds abseloutley hates it and tries to push them away every time, and partly because it's just not OK with me personally, and I would never just kiss someone else's child regardless of my relation to them. Every parent has a right to set boundaries, and said boundaries should be respected wether you agree or not. Everyone has their own way and their own beliefs.

I'm with you OP

I am a cold sore sufferer. My mum let my grandma kiss me while she had one when I was a baby. And I am still resentful to this day. From age of 3-13 I had the most disgusting flare up. It was like boils and red mountains crusting and bubbling on my lips and my NOSE. I don't have good childhood pics because I ALWAYS HAD THEM. I would cry to not go school and even the teacher once told my mum, maybe it's best to keep her at home.
And no it wasn't impetigo. When I turned 16, my best friend was like "wow you haven't had a severe cold sore for a few years now" and since being 16, I do get cold sores every year, but they are minor and I tend to get them early. However.

The day after my wedding (honeymoon) had a severe outbreak on my nose (outside of my nose)
Whole honeymoon ruined.

The birth of my daughter, 2 days post partum, I had a severe outbreak. Nose, lips, my newborn picture days are heartbreaking for me. I was too scared to even touch my newborn without gloves.

It seems to be important days that get ruined I think from a stress or my immune system being down..

My dd (2) hasn't had any cold sores thankfully and hopefully I've been cautious.

I don't think you're being overprotective or ridiculous. If you can save your child from what I went through why wouldn't you???

Sizedoesmatter I don't knoe what you're banging on about. I would ask you more why you think it is OK or acceptable to kiss someone else's child on the face, a child who cannot tell you 'no I don't want your mouth on me' and whose parent is telling you not to. I haven't said that's ok so I don't understand why you're making things up. That's so weird! And idiotic! You've just completely made up what I've said 😂😂😂

It was the OP who equated kissing a babies face to spit swapping etc. I kiss my baby on the cheek not the mouth so how is that spit swapping? Why does she think people are kissing babies with tongues?

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Sizedoesmatter I don't knoe what you're banging on about. I would ask you more why you think it is OK or acceptable to kiss someone else's child on the face, a child who cannot tell you 'no I don't want your mouth on me' and whose parent is telling you not to. I haven't said that's ok so I don't understand why you're making things up. That's so weird! And idiotic! You've just completely made up what I've said 😂😂😂

It was the OP who equated kissing a babies face to spit swapping etc. I kiss my baby on the cheek not the mouth so how is that spit swapping? Why does she think people are kissing babies with tongues?

Did she say people were kissing babies with tongues? Because I didn't see her say that 🤦‍♀️ just you telling her that her opinion is a safeguarding issue 😂 cop on.

OP you need to seek professional help.