Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

You're worrying about this without this happening. Just tell them no kisses to the face or hands, no sharing cups etc full stop.
I did the same with our relatives.

My mum kissed me all over and I get stupid coldsores up my nose and on my eye, most likely her fault since shes the one who kissed me all over.

If people openly disrespect yours and your husbands boundaries withyour child they wont be having unsupervised access will they

Wifeofbikerviking...I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sure you've protected your kids like a great mummy!

Had they just said "okay, we understand that they can be contagious and dangerous. We'll be super careful" I would not be posting at all.

This is key as you have to recognise the generational differences. There is so much now that we know which wasn't known when your in laws raised their children and there is often a 'well my kids turned out ok' viewpoint.

But, you might need to address how you are discussing things, as you have come across as crazy American mum, perhaps there is a cultural/communication style you can consider in how you explain what you want and why.

BUT also recognise, you can never fully control what other people do when baby is in their care, and if you feel you need to, then a nursery setting would be better with clear guidelines and standards. I'm Not sure how you will cope being away from baby all day if this is how you feel now.

Babyboomstastic...she needs a cuddle and a kiss? MY child?

Ummm..this child is stuck to me all day. I am an attachment parent and I practice ecological breastfeeding with no immediate plans to stop. She has no play pen. I babywear constantly....

Regarding putting things in her mouth: that's fine. We sprinkled lettuce leaves on the floor today and she loved crushing them with her fingers...

I wash my kids hands (no soap) before every meal and after we come in from outside.

If my daughter ran her food through her feet before eating, I'd rinse those before meals too!

My kid wants to drink her bathwater too! I just put a cup of water near her bath so she can drink as much as she likes.

She has toys fall on the floor. Sometimes I rinse them off if I'm near a water source. Mostly I don't.

She put my car keys in her mouth today...I didn't panic....she played with them for 20 minutes...

I don't stress about most things.....

I think people read a post and think they know your whole life...

I'm not a perfect mom. But I try my best to be a "good" mom.

And for those who say I'm going to find it hard to be a parent? Ha! My child's 10 months has been the most blissful time in my life thus far (aside from in law stuff).

Take care.

You need help. Your poor child.

Good points, Stealthmomma

Many years on mumsnet has taught me there are many right ways to parent.

If you don't want people to kiss your baby on the face or share utensils those are your rules.

My husband is an anxiety sufferer. So is his mum. Infact it turns out severe anxiety can be traced back many many generations.

I'm determined to break the cycle of his learned anxiety being passed onto our DD. Initially DH thought this was loopy but over time and discussion he understands and he doesn't want DD to grow up with the level of stress and self imposed restriction he's put on his own life.

I wonder if this is a little like your herpes and tooth decay scenario's. The family accept them so much as part of what is normal that they don't see there is an alternative way.

It can be really frustrating getting people who are entrentched in a way of thinking/ being to try a different path. I'm a big fan of the plant a seed method. You gently suggest then stand back. Gentle prompting fairly frequently until the new behaviour pattern becomes the norm.

Your posts sound very, very frustrated to the point it sounds as though this frustration is currently dominating your thoughts. This maybe making it much more challenging to rationalise how best to proceed and possibly makes the requests, within your rights as primary caregiver, come over in an agressive, patronising way. I find when peoples are agitated by a request they dig their heels in and even rebel against it. Could your frustration actually be coming across clearer than the validity of your message?

Seek therapy is such a passive agressive term but therapy comes in all shapes and sizes.

Self therapy can be writing on a forum and getting the emotion out - quite possibly its been rather cathartic to do that here, plus get the contrast from elsewhere doing the same.
Journaling or writing down the problem and making a plan of action about how you can reasonably suggest, how frequently and how to ensure that the suggestion messages are balanced with lots of other more varied communication.
Having a good long download with a friend of elderly aunt who will allow you to just blow of steam and get it off your chest once a week/ fortnight so when you do re-express your rules its done in a gently meassured way.
Or the more conventional paying someone, a trained professional, to let you get it off your chest, help you rationalise your thoughts, improve your self confidence in your own beliefs and help you productively move forwards with comfortable to you boundaries in place.
Therapy can be a really positive thing - life coaching. If you don't have that wise old aunt, brilliant sounding board person in your life you may find it brings great direction to your life.

Moving house, cutting ties with family who can potentially bring you great support are major life moves easy to instigate, very difficult to unwind.

I live near my family now. My parents had different rules to me. We have had boundary issues. Yes its not always convenient for them to pop in, look in, I don't wish to be judged. Overall, with boundaries now established over time, its hugely beneficial to us, them and our DC to be close to each other.

A few spread out hours thrashing out best way to keep moving gently forwards with better boundaries whether with a friend/ relative or professional to help you could be a much easier way forwards.

I've had lovely, thoughtful answers on this post. Thank you.

And rippleeffects: I have 5 aunts who are my best friends and a sister I confide in. One of my best chilchood friends is a therapist. I talk to them about this stuff regularly.

I think you've hit a lot on the head here. Lots to think about in terms of planting seeds. Thank you.

And Ripple effects...yes! I've read about epigenetics. Very interesting stuff. There are various "cycles" and "chains" from my own childhood I'd like to rebuke and break as well.

I think I am frustrated by the thought "what's the harm? I.turned out just fine" as an excuse NOT to learn and grow.

And yes, my frustration and seething resentment for the in-laws playing stupid with me has come straight through. I need to change my communication with them...you're right.

I think you need help. You sound stark raving mad and quite frankly ridiculous.
You are going to really struggle when your child goes to nursery and school if you don't get help now.

OP I hear you, it's maddening when people can't respect your wishes for your own child,
GP's (on both sides)

I suggest just having an upfront conversation, explaining that the subject makes you very anxious and showing her something online as back up. Make it crystal clear that you need honesty around the subject, and that it's not personal it's just out of concern for your child.

In my experience, being (kindly) direct with people is the only way to get your feelings across. It's making you worried, it's your baby, so just have the conversation. Don't worry that they are passive in personality, their response isn't for you to worry about.

There's no point in tying yourself up in knots worrying about it and hoping they'll go along with what you're saying.

My MIL babysat my 4 month old and turned up with a whacking great cold sore, I was dying a bit inside but instead of heading out the door in secret turmoil I explained that I needed to know she wouldn't kiss her and explained why. She was totally fine, and understood I was a new mum who was just a bit frightened. 2 years on my daughters has never had one

As a side note, I've never heard about the not sharing utensils thing- absolute news to me and I'm not sure if that's particularly widely circulated in the UK... so thanks for the info! X

I do most of those things to, I just don't give it a wanky name

And I'm afraid you're naivety over hygiene and babies doesn't just dinner through your post, it sparkles. And that's ok, you're fairly new to parenting a mobile child (I'm assuming baby is crawling/cruising/walking, she might not be), but don't lecture us on his to parent.

It's sweet that you think offering a cup of water will stop her from drinking from the bath (or anything she can get her hands on). It's likely to be poured out and refilled with bath water within seconds

She will try to eat slugs and worms, and her own bogeys. Babies and toddlers gave a reputation for grossness that is well deserved.

They do things like store a half chewed sweetcorn piece in their mouth, wipe it onto their hands, and onto the floor, and then try eating it again. Even my very well behaved eldest went through a state at 2 of licking everything to see what it tasted like (not good timing when part way through potty training )

And toys won't be 'dropped' on the floor so much as that's where they are stored. Because your while world is at floor level when you are tiny. I assume you allow your baby to play on the floor, and have their toys around them?

If your child doesn't already they will have playdates soon with others who are just as gross, and saliva and germs will be swapped through toys, them hugging and kissing eachother, stealing eachothers food etc. Same if they go to childcare.

You really need to get a grip on your anxieties if you are to enjoy being a parent as your child becomes older (the first bit is the easy bit) and to stop your anxieties causing harm to your child.

Found it odd the way you talk of people sharing spit with your child, and making links with sexual activity. Then your update about your partner ‘enjoying’ leaving saliva on your child and slobbering on her when he kisses her.
Your worried about your in laws denial of reality? Sort yourself out
Fucking disgusting

Op there is no point having a chat with people like that, you need to also provide hard facts. Get a file about the deaths from cold sore virus.

And the dental stuff about cavities.

Then it's not your word agaisnt theirs it's real life scientific facts.

I can't understand why people can't show some self restraint. If I had any sign of a cold saw I wouldn't dream of wanting by desire to kiss a baby override the threat I pose to the child.

Is it ego? Lack of self awareness? What!!

Am I correct in thinking in that neither you or your husband has actually had a proper discussion with your in-laws about this? You've just laid down a load of insane sounding rules over WhatsApp without explaining you're concerned about cold sores? I don't get cold sores so I'm not defensive or any of the other stuff you've accused other posters of being but I think you need to have an actual conversation with them.

Also, what on earth is ecological breastfeeding and how is is different to the normal type?

Have you not considered how much you have irradiated your baby? And again sharing utensils does not cause tooth decay or gum disease

Well it’s certainly an original new response from an OP to YABU. Not “You’ve all missed the point of my question” or “LOL you’re all so defensive - touched a nerve have I?” but “You must all have herpes!”. Nice.

A few members of my family suffer from coldsores, myself included. I have always been aware of trying not to let my kids catch them as best I can. My son is 9 and had his first one a few weeks ago, so he has still managed to get it somehow.

With regards to cavaties, I dont dispute you at all, but i have actually never heard of that. Unfortunately you can't keep your kids in a bubble. Even if you do it at home, once they start nursery, kindergarten etc they will share everything with the other kids, putting things in their mouth etc. My daughter consistantly put things in her mouth until she was 5.
I would repeat yourself regularly regarding the coldsores to the family, but apart from that I don't think you can do much else

My take away from this is what an odd obsession with cold sores. Is that an American thing? I don't think Ive ever had a conversation with anyone about them and couldn't tell you if anyone I know has ever had one, I'm not even sure if I have.

Have I been missing a threat all these years?

That said I would never kiss someone else's baby so I can see why that would be annoying, I sympathise with you on having your ILs so close, I wouldn't want that.

What’s ecological breastfeeding?

@PleasantVille

My take away from this is what an odd obsession with cold sores. Is that an American thing? I don't think Ive ever had a conversation with anyone about them and couldn't tell you if anyone I know has ever had one, I'm not even sure if I have.

Have I been missing a threat all these years?

That said I would never kiss someone else's baby so I can see why that would be annoying, I sympathise with you on having your ILs so close, I wouldn't want that.

If you did some research into cold sores and how they can litreally kill young babies, then you'd understand. It's not an American thing, it's an educated and hygienic human being thing. I wouldn't want anyone with a cold sore on their face anywhere near my newborn baby 🤷‍♀️ they certainly wouldn't be holding them. If me or their father had one then we would have no choice, but I trust myself and him to be careful. I wouldn't put that trust in anyone else because my babies health is more important than other people's feelings.

I jfgi...I see.
Don’t have much to say about that except it wouldn’t have worked for me and my lifestyle or personality...too intense.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears

Did they not raise their son, your husband?

Why do they need to be educated about raising a child when they have successfully done so.

Ummm this child is stuck to me all day. I am an attachment parent and I practice ecological breastfeeding with no immediate plans to stop. She has no play pen. I babywear constantly

So how is your baby every going to learn to crawl, climb and walk? How does she ever get to stretch out and wave her arms and legs around if she's stuck to you all day, crumpled up in a sling 'constantly'?

Um, are we going to ignore that you “put lettuce leaves on the floor” for her to play with?! Bonkers. Also washing hands without soap isn’t washing hands, it’s getting them wet not clean.