My 12 yr old fell asleep an hour ago and he’s been so awful I’m tempted to leave him to sleep through

[savetti]

What’s the chances he’ll sleep right through
This is the first time I have had any peace for weeks

Dhal, his day centre got cancelled and we needed to keep him safe, were v nervous about different carers coming in. But it just reopened today, with minimal clients, so he can go back now.

@savetti

Dhal- there is no more Time in the day that I can give to him. I am with him physically and emotionally in his every waking minute.

Under all this, it’s very possible that it’s an insecurity, Especially as it’s only me, his dad died 6 yrs ago. but believe me I reassure him about how much he is loved.
We actually are very close, we talk aBout anything and everything, he has a million questions about everything and theres nothing I shy away from.

Savetti this sounds very much like insecurity but more perhaps about you leaving him (i.e. dying) rather than him not being loved? Totally understandable and likely to be much worse in the time of Pandemic. It sounds really tough for both of you

I once read that not getting enough daylight can cause sleeping issues . So if spending too much time indoors due to lockdown it can cause circadian rhythms to get messed up, a kind of jet lag. (Note - I paraphrase, of course!)

Sorry, I did laugh at that sentence. I can empathise, just not display it well.

@Dhalmeup sorry, I hope you don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that autistic people can't empathise, just that I would be surprised if you didn't understand the feeling of finding it all a bit much!

Leave him ! My 13 yo Dd does 11 hours regularly and could do 12 if tired. She has put herself to bed at 7pm plenty of times, always sleeps through. Once after a night shift then staying up all day I slept 5:30pm till 7am I was 33 !.

What does he do that makes you cry? It sounds very difficult. Is it just the two of you?

Our dc have needed far more extra attention and comfort than usual. Why can’t you give this to him without running away and crying?

Oh fuck off. Can't you tell when someone's at the end of her tether, or are you being deliberately cruel?

He wants to be everywhere I am, follows me around, won’t do anything independently, including schoolwork. He sits on me, to hug me, squeeze me, get my attention

As no diagnosis yet, I assume he is in mainstream school (outside of Covid) without 1:1 support, so he must be able to manage boundaries with his teachers and other kids. Do you think you could start setting some boundaries about some time for you to be left alone? Starting with 10 minutes and building up? Also, he must cope with course work at school, so you might need to be a bit firmer about his working independently at home. I know it's not easy though

OP, mine are older.

I would let him sleep. I would have been very slightly concerned, if it were one of mine, if he were ill/coming down with something if it isn't part of a normal pattern - but the most likely thing is that he's exhausted with late bedtimes, lack of school routine, horrible lockdown, etc, and just needs a long sleep.

One of my DC has ASD. That, combined with many years of parenting, tells me that you should ignore any sanctimonious comments on here. I was full of principles, grand ideas, etc. Having real live children, one with additional needs, put paid to all of this.

Lockdown is shit for an awful lot of people. Look after yourself.

Wow you're getting some tough replies on here. I've got a 14 yr old and a 12 yr old and they are both going to bed later than usual and getting up later than usual. What's the point in arguing with them about it? They've got nothing to get up for and they know it. And it helps me, I can get a couple of hours work done before they get up, what's the problem? I'm not manipulating their sleep patterns for my own benefit, neither is op.

I've wanted to get away from my family and cry more than once this lockdown. Not every day, that would obviously be bad, but more than once. Every day is a bit shit, some days are more shit than others.

I would just leave him be. He's obviously needing some extra sleep, maybe he's feeling particularly wrung out today too and just needs the rest.

Sounds tough being just the two of you all day, I would find that really hard going too. I crave time by myself right now. Can he go out for a walk with a friend now or is he not keen? Send him to the shop for milk? I'm thinking up all sorts of random errands to get mine out of the house independently.

I can not see what the ds is doing that is so awful op had to run away and cry.

No you can't @Dhalmeup because you're not there and have no idea what the OP is going through. Your own experiences with your children bear no relevance to the OP and I suspect she's feeling shit enough without anyone sticking the boot in.

Dhalmeup That was quite inappropriate and rude. You need to expand your horizons because every SN child isn't the same because my son is like a Pit bull on a bone and sometimes you have to step away and cry

@savetti that is great! I hope that relieves some pressure for you.

@NYCDreaming I did not mean I found it offensive, sorry I have a strange sense of humour.

I am sorry if I have caused offence op. I meant that there must be something else going on you perhaps needed help with, I did not mean to be cruel. I can see I have not been clear and will stop derailing your thread.

Is he coming down with something. Both my daughter and I are and we are very sleepy!

Teenagers body clock does shift naturally towards later sleeping / waking. There's been studies about how starting the secondary school day at 10am or later rather than 9am would benefit the children (but not the teachers!).

Left to her own devices DD (age 12) would be awake until midnight. As it is, phone is off at 9pm, into bed by 9:30 and most nights she's asleep by 10:30. Every now and then, it catches up with her and she's out by 9.

I'd leave him, he might wake at 11pm or he might go through to 6am. But his body and brsin obviously need a rest.

I agree with MrsNoah. He needs to practice time alone.

I'd sit down with him and explain that we all have needs and that one of your needs is for some chill out time. Emphasise that you love him and love being with him but that the social bit of your brain needs a rest just like a muscle. Give it a name "quiet time" "mum's chill out" doesn't matter what but it does need a name. He then needs, with your help to find somewhere in the house where he feels safe and comfortable and can be occupied. Choose a space and call it something, "cosy corner", "X's laid" or whatever. Put together a box of things he can do (magazine/fiddle toys/Lego) that he can occupy himself with. He also needs a watch/phone/timer. Arrange each day to have a time when he will be in his space and you will be in yours. You could start small and build up if you think he won't manage a long time. The aim would be to build up to twice a day slots of maybe 30 minutes? Whatever works for both you.

Reading that his dad died 6 years ago (so aged 6) i am wondering if he is actually very scared of you dying so won’t let you out of his sight but wants to be horrid to push you away so it hurts less if it does happen.

My older sister was the same age when our dad died and she was inseparable from my mum, to the point she would sit and talk to my mum through the bathroom door. But was also absolutely horrendous at times to both me and my mum. In reality she was still a frightened 6 year old who was scared that her mum was going to die.

Having said all of the above OP that doesn’t mean that it is not exhausting for you. for your loss and sending you strength. Take the time out whilst he sleeps to recharge, cry if you need to, rant about how unfair it is.... whatever you need to do to get YOU through.

My has autism.

He was a nightmare sleeper for years. 5 hours broken a night. Around 12 he suddenly started sleeping much more but would wake early. He'd still come into me at 12.

My compromise would be he can be up early and I'll be there in person but he had to watch iPad or dvd quietly whilst I dosed.

Would that work for you?

*lair not laid

I can second the weighted blanket. We got this one for my DD and she loves it. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07D6GXTCN/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

I'm sorry to her about your DH, but maybe the pandemic and your caring for your uncle is bringing back emotions for your DS and probably for you too.

Kids do thrive with routine so try and adhere to that if you can. Get some support for you too, any friends you can ring up in real life? Are you communicating with your DS' school about how things are for him? They may be able to support you and him at this time - I know my school do this as does my DDs school.

Good to hear your uncle's day centre has reopened and you can get some respite there.

OP do you have somewhere to sleep? You need your rest.

I’m not offended don’t worry

You can’t explain every detail on here

Yes ,wotsit, I thought this sleep pattern was more in rhythm with natural circadian sleep patterns of teenagers

There’s a lot going on obviously.
He doesn’t really want to go out, Not bothered about seeing his friends( but always been a bit like that) definitely doesn’t get enough exercise or fresh air, dependence on me is becoming unhealthy I think. Move to senior school highlighted some massive organisation problems. He’s very smart, and always done well in school but he wings it, does minimal work, it’s all in his head, his brain is on constantly.

I hope you get an appointment soon. It's so hard for people having to wait months at the moment.

Is it just that he's very demanding, or is he horrible to you?

Let him sleep.

Use this time to just cater to yourself. I have a child who can be tough at times so I understand the need for a break. Even if he's up at 4am... You'll have had this time to recoup some sanity.hugs

How is his diet? Does he get enough water? I ask because I find myself very anxious when I’m not drinking water.