Care home won't let me speak to gran ...aibu to be annoyed?

[whatsnewlussy]

My gran has gone into a care home.
I seen her every day and I miss her terribly.
Obviously because I can't see her I have been ringing every day for 5 mins to chat to her.
I asked when I found the care home,was I okay to call every day and they said if I want yes.
I asked for a convenient time and they said between 3pm and 4pm.
Saturday I rang at 3pm and they say "sorry she's asleep call back tomorrow "
Sunday I rang and they said she was having a cup of tea and call back today.
I've just rang and the manager answered and said they were too busy today doing a care review and call back tomorrow.
I just want to speak to her.
All they have to do is pass her the phone for 5 mins.
Aibu here to be upset ?

At my fathers care home you can book Skype calls, have you looked into this. My father has his own phone, he calls me half a dozen times each hour, in between he forgets he has spoken to me😀

It's just difficult with no contact
I don't want her to feel alone

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I would suggest you phone the care homes and ask for any times to avoid. Meal times tend to be manic and handover but you should be able to speak.

@Purpleartichoke

Communication with relatives is essential. I can’t believe people are trying to claim it is too much work.

Are you really suggesting that just because someone is old or sick, they should be cut off from their family entirely? Why even bother providing care if the elderly aren’t going to be treated like human beings? Oh, grandma broke her hip, everybody say goodbye because it’s time to put her in storage.

I don’t think people are suggesting it’s too much work in a bad way. Realistically have you any actual experience of working in a care home?

There will be other relatives ringing too.

That is bad. I wouldn’t be happy with that alt all.
My mam is in a care home and are absolutely great. Nothing is a bother to them, which is how it should be everywhere.
As far as I’m concerned, we’re paying enough money for this.
To a PP - needy and selfish?! Hardly!! Who pissed in your cornflakes?!! Jeez!

Not on they keep making excuses. I worked in a care home, we always gave the phone to a resident if a relative called and asked to speak to them. Yes certain times can be busy, tea time especially. You should ask again for another time to call as the one you were given clearly isn't suitable for them afterall. The residents need regular contact with families/friends as it can be so lonely for them in a home, the staff try their best but there isn't enough hours in a day when there is so many residents to look after and the management should realise this.

@Purpleartichoke I’m looking at the whole picture. If you want to cherry pick what I wrote that’s fine get on with it

Your clearly being awkward and there’s no need for it. Have you read the full thread?
I’m telling you from personal experience it’s not for the will of not wanting to there’s honestly not enough time in the day care homes are soooo short staffed and over worked. I’m simply saying have some patience that’s all.

@saraclara

Even though OPs gran says that, it’s not actually clear at all. There are a few signs here that OPs relative’s dementia is very advanced -in EMI care, OP herself says “late stage”. People do repeat stock phrases, especially common things “I’ve missed you” “been hoping to hear from you soon” without necessarily noticing the time that passed etc.

Which is why I would stress that it is worth listening to the point of view of staff working with the resident.

I totally believe we need to advocate for our loved ones in these situations but we also have to hear harsh truths sometimes -it’s not always good to be pursuing a lot of contact for it’s own sake.

@cosmo30

Not on they keep making excuses. I worked in a care home, we always gave the phone to a resident if a relative called and asked to speak to them. Yes certain times can be busy, tea time especially. You should ask again for another time to call as the one you were given clearly isn't suitable for them afterall. The residents need regular contact with families/friends as it can be so lonely for them in a home, the staff try their best but there isn't enough hours in a day when there is so many residents to look after and the management should realise this.

It’s so true and I don’t know about where you worked but it wasn’t management that was running around! I do agree though management should of passed the phone if they could have.

It's not a prison. It's supposed to be her home. And them not allowing you to speak to her is a massive red flag. Not good enough. If this continues I would speak to the social worker and get them to deal with it. And if that fails get on to CQC and raise your concerns with them.

I wonder if this is arguably a 'deprivation of liberty' - read up on that OP - basically they aren't allowed to restrict her contact with the outside world

As soon as a person enters a care home or long term hospital care they have to apply for DOLs, but as I found out depending on the LA looking after your care DOLs can take a long time... sometimes 3 years.

Ring them and ask them again for a suitable time. Provide a simple mobile phone for her. Ask them to use it to call you at a prearranged time. They can then call and leave the phone with her on loud speaker while she speaks to you. If they say they can't manage every day, ask for every other day. They should be able to do this.

@sweetlikecocoa oh it definitely wasn't management running around!!

I worked in a home for a while and it was a nightmare when relatives phoned. I totally understand why they want to and it’s great for everyone involved but it’s getting the resident to the main office when they might be doing something else, they’re then sat there while people are trying to work etc etc. It’s just not just a case of passing the phone over.

She is in an EMI not a care home. She is obviously very far advanced and a DOL may well be in place.

OP you have done an incredible job looking after your gran and you are obviously very concerned about her. I would ask for a manager to phone you and have a chat about what the best way for you to communicate with your gran and with them about your gran.

It is very hard to hand someone you care about over to strangers but as time goes on you will build relationships with them.

We are not very far from visitors being allowed and I think you will probably be happier when you can visualise where she is, what her room is like, who is looking after her.

Apologies for the double post but the elderly parents board is full of people who have been where you are. You might find posting or even reading there helpful.

There is no such thing as an EMI nowadays. Very outmoded language. It’s a care home registered to provide accommodation with nursing or personal care. All care homes are thus registered in England. Most care homes have people living with dementia.

There should be a DOLs applied for and that should have been discussed with her family.

It is not acceptable to limit contact with families. Insufficient staff is not a reason to evade contact. Insufficient staff to meet people needs, including contact, is a safeguarding issue, particularly if the home have effectively cut people off from outside. Yes care homes are poorly funded but there are fundamental standards that are the absolute minimum. That includes support to maintain contact.

If her GM is self funding, it could be costing her £3000-4000 a month to be there. The least they can do is accommodate a daily phone call in her first week there, when visitors aren't allowed.

Any care home that only has one phone in the office and has to drag their residents there to take a call, clearly doesn't make provision for the welfare of their residents. One extra portable phone costs very little, so it demonstrates a lack of consideration, not money.

My MIL's home is a specialist dementia home too. All the staff have had a lot of training about seeing the world from their residents' points of view, about anxiety, disconnection etc. Of course they prioritise their mental health. It's disturbing to find that other don't.

I work in a hospital as a nurse and previously wo in nursing homes as a carer. We all have to pitch in answering phones even though we're all busy and I have been known to lock up my drug trolley to run a phone to a patient as I knew she didn't have visitors often, not that I would make a habit of that. But unless we are busy assisting someone to the toilet or with eating and drinking at that very moment there is always time you can find.

I agree with cherry pavlova. If your grandmother is on a DOLS she will have had a best interest assessment and a relevant person's representative should be appointed, that person is often a relative.

I would speak to the care home manager and ask how your contact can be facilitated. I would also get in touch with her social worker. I get that it's hard for care homes but I imagine maintaining contact with you we would be very important to your grandmother. Hopefully you can agree a workable compromise with the home.

I have worked in a care home.
My father now lives in one. It is astronomicaly expensive.
He has his own phone in his room, which is a total waste of money as he can’t answer it nor does he think to phone anyone else. I bought him a cheap mobile with the idea that it could be left in the office and passed to him when I called. This was a disaster.
It shouldn’t be too much to expect to be able to make a 5-minute call to a relative who can’t have visitors. If it was too much for the home to manage, they should have said that at the outset.
Call again tomorrow. Avoid mealtimes, maybe trying morning instead.

This is shocking. Your gran could think you put her in home and abandoned her. I would ring home and tell them you want appointment to come in and complain. Explain in person why your gran needs to see you or hear your voice every day as demented. If they refuse to see you tell them you will be complaint to quality care commission.

Second all comments with regard to Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards. An authorisation should have been applied for by the Care Home if your Gran lacks capacity to consent.

A Best Interests Assessor would be appointed to undertake assessments. A relevant persons representative will be appointed which can be family or a Paid Representative from an organisation providing the service to the Local Authority.

Meaningful family contact must be promoted by the Care Home, to not do so may be an unlawful Deprivation of Liberty and potentially breaching Article 8 of the Human Rights Act.

Speak to the Registered Manager asap and outline your concerns.

I have heard of some care homes prioritizing call time for those residents for whom it would make a difference, due to staff shortages and more calls since the pandemic . If your gran has late stage dementia it’s possible someone has decided it wouldn’t make a difference to her whether she spoke to you or not. If you can make a complaint to the manager and see what they say.

Of course there is still such a thing as EMI. I work in an EMI Nursing home, the nurses on duty carry a cordless phone, if a relative calls and wants to talk you take the phone to them. Either the nurse or one of the carers make sure they are holding it to their ear, and will let them hear the family talking. We also have a couple of iPads, and arrange facetime with some of the residents and their family.
During lockdow all our families know they can call to ask after their relative any time. We did let them know when mealtimes are so we can concentrate on everyone eating, bit other than that it's part and parcel of the patient care.
OP the home your Gran is in is being very unreasonable.
Do you live close by? Now people can go out a little more we have some relatives who come by and see their Gran or Grandad through the window.