Care home won't let me speak to gran ...aibu to be annoyed?

[whatsnewlussy]

My gran has gone into a care home.
I seen her every day and I miss her terribly.
Obviously because I can't see her I have been ringing every day for 5 mins to chat to her.
I asked when I found the care home,was I okay to call every day and they said if I want yes.
I asked for a convenient time and they said between 3pm and 4pm.
Saturday I rang at 3pm and they say "sorry she's asleep call back tomorrow "
Sunday I rang and they said she was having a cup of tea and call back today.
I've just rang and the manager answered and said they were too busy today doing a care review and call back tomorrow.
I just want to speak to her.
All they have to do is pass her the phone for 5 mins.
Aibu here to be upset ?

Could you arrange for her to have her own phone? I know some people who have arranged for a landline in their relatives bedroom. Either that or a mobile phone for her? I don’t know her medical condition but you can get very basic ones like these: ownfone.com if she wouldn’t understand how to use a standard mobile.

@Myneighboursnorlax Thankyou for that,unfortunately she's in the last stages of dementia and I don't think she would understand how to answer a phone now.

They need to find the time. Poor care. Make a fuss.

Its upsetting but from their point of view its tying up a phone, they could be in a meeting, you wouldnt expect them to wake her up and they could have been busy helping other residents with tea. I would call back later around 7pm but they may be busy settling residents down. Can you buy her a mobile or arrange her own landline.

When I worked in a care home the only phones (that didn't belong to residents, some had their own) were in the offices. It was (to be completely honest) a total pain when people called - a member of staff had to sit with them, the room had to be cleared, sensitive information had to be cleared, meetings would have to be moved. The residents pretty regularly didn't want to be phoned, or didn't understand, or got upset.

I agree, get her her own phone.
My mum is in a care home, the staff are doing an amazing job despite Covid-19, staff shortages and illness/self-isolating and a huge number of vulnerable residents to care for, medicate and support.
Phoning every day because you miss and need your granny is selfish, are her other relatives as needy?
A Care review is an essential and complex process that’s done on a regular basis for each resident and involves a number of staff.
Write her a card a day, get her a phone and understand that the staff are juggling a huge number of demands, most of which are higher priority.

Kick up hell. This is completely unacceptable. Care homes should be run to meet the needs of their residents and be centred on them. Surely she can drink a cup of tea and talk at the same time? Of all the ridiculous excuses, that takes the biscuit.

@MidsummerMurder are you for real? Selfish and needy ?
I ring her every day because I love her and don't want to put her in a care home and forget about her.
She has no other relatives except me.

Could you talk to her through the window? I've seen a few people doing this, & passing stuff through.

I'm sorry about your gran, hope you get to speak to her.

Could you get a basic tablet and find a way to face call her through an app? That way care home phone not being tied up and could see your face?

@DivGirl the phones are cordless and they have a phone on each floor.

@HellSmith no unfortunately she's on the second floor and can't stand up to get to window.
She's bed bound.

And you can call it bad care (I don't disagree). We had 5 staff for 20 non-ambulatory wheelchair users (and this was within limits, it was 5 daytime and 2 overnight). All incontinent. Very complex medical issues. The care home receives the highest marks from the care commission every year.

It was hell.

@MidsummerMurder promoting and maintaining a relationship between an elderly, confused resident and her only relative would be quite a high priority to me.

Phoning every day because you miss and need your granny is selfish, are her other relatives as needy?

What a horrible comment!! Fucking hell! How does loving an elderly relative mean you’re needy?

I get your relationship with your grandma OP, I was the same with my grandparents, I loved them beyond words. I’m sorry you are unable to speak with her when you know you’re on a limited time now with her having dementia. I don’t really have any advice as there isn’t much you can do except continue to call. I hope you get through soon

I don't care how inconvenient it is. People can't visit at the moment so the care homes should be facilitating calls.

They're residents, not inmates but they are treated as if they are in prison.

Phoning every day because you miss and need your granny is selfish, are her other relatives as needy

what a load of tosh. If the OP could speak to her then she might not call every day! You call until you get the person don't you? Stupid remark.

@puffinkoala

Phoning every day because you miss and need your granny is selfish, are her other relatives as needy

what a load of tosh. If the OP could speak to her then she might not call every day! You call until you get the person don't you? Stupid remark.

The OP said she's been ringing to chat to her every day though.

Make a fuss. If she can’t handle a phone - ask them to arrange a video call or a window visit. Both are easy to do and easy for your gran. Whether it’s a phone call, video call or a window visit, your gran will need help, so non are more difficult than another for them to arrange.
It is as important for your gran to hear/see you as it is for you to see/hear your gran.
Some homes are starting social visits with both parties sat outside the required distance apart.
Keep pushing for it.

I have been ringing every day.
She's only been in a week.
If visiting was permitted I would be visiting every day.
Like someone has said it's not prison.
Surely a 5 minute call isn't too inconvenient.
Il change it to one call every other day
She means the world to me.
We used to see each other daily.
Go out for afternoon tea/shopping once a week.
She brought me up.
She's like my mum.

The home said it was okay. The phones are cordless and can be brought to her.
If it's too much trouble they should have said so when OP asked in the first place. Someone with dementia needs that contact when they can't have visitors. Or are people like @MidsummerMurder going to say that the person grandma is needy now?

Thank goodness my MIL is so far into her dementia that she no longer even recognises that they're there, has no remaining speech, and would just find a call confusing. Last year, not having visitors would be devastating for her, and phone calls would be a lifeline.

I've just rang and the manager answered and said they were too busy today doing a care review and call back tomorrow.

That's shocking. At my MIL's care home, even if they were busy, they'd offer to take the phone to her in a little while and call me back.

@saraclara so sorry about your mil
Dementia is a awful disease isn't it.
My gran thinks she is at home thankfully.
Every time I call she says she's been waiting for me,I feel like I'm letting her down not speaking to her.

Every day is probably excessive. If you say 10 minutes per day, every day, multiplied by the number of residents they have, that's a lot of staff time. I would open up a discussion with them and ask them to facilitate a call 3 times a week at a time arranged in advance.

Would you be able to give her a phone that the staff use for her in her room? Just so as not to tie up one of the home's phones? So you arrange a time to call every day or every other day and they help her with the phone? I think you need to get to the bottom of why they are going back on what they said. Is your phone call part of your grandma's care plan?