Care home won't let me speak to gran ...aibu to be annoyed?

[whatsnewlussy]

My gran has gone into a care home.
I seen her every day and I miss her terribly.
Obviously because I can't see her I have been ringing every day for 5 mins to chat to her.
I asked when I found the care home,was I okay to call every day and they said if I want yes.
I asked for a convenient time and they said between 3pm and 4pm.
Saturday I rang at 3pm and they say "sorry she's asleep call back tomorrow "
Sunday I rang and they said she was having a cup of tea and call back today.
I've just rang and the manager answered and said they were too busy today doing a care review and call back tomorrow.
I just want to speak to her.
All they have to do is pass her the phone for 5 mins.
Aibu here to be upset ?

Speak to your grans social worker!

Op please continue to phone , all care homes should be providing person centred care , the care workers job is to provide for the residents needs , contact with a relative is a need and should be in her care plan , I would think it would come under a dols ( deprivation of liberty ) to refuse your phone contact and if they continue to make excuses . yes I agree many staff are run off their feet but this was agreed before she took residence so don't be fobbed off

@DC3dilemma OP has already said that her gran says that she's been waiting for her call, when OP phones. So she's clearly not at the stage where it means anything.

I absolutely appreciate that is not always easy, but my MIL's care home has proved that if the management are REALLY focused on the needs of their residents, they make it happen.

Ugh. "So she's clearly not at the stage where it DOESN'T mean anything". I really need to check my posts before sending

When my mum was in a care home,one of my sister's was living in America. She would phone the home several times a week. The phone was in the dining room and the staff would leave my mum to chat she also had advanced dementia most of the time my sister ended up chatting to the other residents as my mum would wander off.
The home must have more than one phone.

This is poor care. You should be able to chat to your gran every day, especially as visiting is restricted due to covid and the care home should be doing their upmost to facilitate this. I would speak to the care home manager and make a fuss if necessary.

I work in a care home, I
I completely get where ur coming from but also it's not as simple as just handing her the phone. Someone needs to sit with her while she's on the phone, there's a massive shortage of staff and more residents in the unit. You say she's late stages of dementia, if she's in the specialist dementia unit, which I am, I do nightshift and we barely have time to have our breaks I can't imagine the day staff having time. It's a very stressful time in the care homes just now.

You are not selfish or needy. You asked if it was ok and they said yes. Give it a few days and if things don't improve raise it with the manager. It's not like you didn't check with them first. If they were too busy they should have said at the time She's not in prison you're allowed to talk to her

Surely it's good for her emotional well-being to hear a loved one's voice?

That’s not good enough from the care home. Keeping their residents in touch with loved ones should be a priority right now, living with dementia plus isolation from family is incredibly hard - and I am someone who has worked in care homes, and I still think that’s a raw deal for you. Push to speak to her. Kick up a fuss, contact the social worker if you have to. They need to arrange to call back as soon as she wakes up if she’s not awake when you call.

@loveskaka she's in the EMI unit I'm not sure exactly what that is.

If she’s in the last stages of dementia, does she still know who you are? Genuine question, since I’ve had 2 relatives in late stages and by then neither knew me any more.
If she does, IMO you’re very lucky.
I remember another woman in my mother’s care home, by no means yet late stage, who was told by a staff member that her daughter was on the phone.
‘Oh!’ she said. ‘I didn’t know I had a daughter!’

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER sometimes she does,sometimes she thinks I'm her mum.
No days are the same with her.
She has thought one of the care assistants was also me.

Would it he better for her if the staff can guage her understanding at the time and call you from her room. If she is having a bit of an off day she may not benefit from a call. EMI is an elderly mentally infirm unit. Was this the home you looked at where the staff suggested she needed specialist dementia care. If so it sounded very nice from your description. Apologies though if that was from a different poster.

EMI means Elderly Mentally Infirm.

Specialist elderly mentally infirm unit. So they will very busy. They won't be able to tale staff off the floor to sit with 1 individual unless there's has been a risk assuming place, ur mums not at risk. But there is so much that can happen, they can't risk it, and probably already dnt have enough staff in the unit already or they have less experienced or staff that dnt know the residents in. X

It's not all nice sweet ladies and gentlemen sitting drinking tea, I can tell u that for sure.

If she does, IMO you’re very lucky

With my mum it was sporadic, some days she knew who I was and on others she didn’t. She definitely knew who I was the say before she died. She used my name.

@whatsnewlussy, before she stopped recognising me altogether, my mother sometimes thought I was her sister - the one she didn’t really get on with!!

After that I was just ‘a nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.
The change came very suddenly. One week her eyes would light up when she saw me coming - the next, they were just blank. 🙁
I hope you get to speak to your gran soon.

I would do it the other way round and ask them to phone you when your Gran is able to speak to you. Agree how frequently this should be. I agree every day is a bit much but two or three times a week is perfectly doable for them

My MIL's sister called her once a week until recently. For quite a long time MIL hasn't been able to speak back, and it's unlikely that she can make sense of anything her sister says. But we hope that she got comfort from the sound of her voice (auntie's voice is very distinctive) and in the later stages, her sister just used to sing to her the songs and hymns that they both loved. The carers would talk to Auntie M, too, and grew fond of her. It was rare that she could visit MIL as she's 90 herself, but whenever we could take her, the care staff were absolutely thrilled to see her. I think they found witnessing those calls very moving.

So yep, some places get it right.

I think that within the first week of a resident arriving, to fob their only relative off three times waves red flags to me.

Speak to the manager tomorrow and express your concerns. If no joy speak to your social worker, she should give an honest appraisal. If you are self funding you have more options.

On the side of the home, times are tough at the moment and they may be dealing with staff isolating or being off sick.

Sorry if it's already been said, could you call the manager tomorrow and ask to speak to the manager. Explain usually you'd be visiting daily and what provisions are made for family contact. I work in a care home and we've been given 2 iPads for for relatives to call and found out from the relatives what that expect- as you can imagine it varies wildly from daily to weekly/fortnightly.
As a lot of the residents are shielding in their bedrooms the activity co-ordinator isn't able to do her full programme of activity so she supports with a lot of the calls.
Hope you get to speak to her soon x

I think that within the first week of a resident arriving, to fob their only relative off three times waves red flags to me.

Good point. If they're not even trying at this point, they've no intention of making an effort, ever.
I'd definitely take it further, reminding them that you're calling at the time they suggested themselves.

Covid times are tricky, admittedly, but still the priority needs to be wellbeing, particularly of a new resident when visitors aren't allowed.

I think perhaps every day is a little excessive. I get that you want to speak to your gran. However if the care home has say, 50 residents. And everyone wants to call up and speak to granny/grandad for 10 mins every day...that's over 8 hours a day that the phone line is tied up for. And that staff are having to supervise calls. And that's if only one member of the family wants to speak to the resident. They may have 4 or 5 family members wanting to speak to them.

Maybe a call every a couple of times a week would be best. Speak to the manager and say that you understand that staff are extremely busy however perhaps once a week you could call and if gran is unavailable, they can give you a time to call back?