Care home won't let me speak to gran ...aibu to be annoyed?

[whatsnewlussy]

My gran has gone into a care home.
I seen her every day and I miss her terribly.
Obviously because I can't see her I have been ringing every day for 5 mins to chat to her.
I asked when I found the care home,was I okay to call every day and they said if I want yes.
I asked for a convenient time and they said between 3pm and 4pm.
Saturday I rang at 3pm and they say "sorry she's asleep call back tomorrow "
Sunday I rang and they said she was having a cup of tea and call back today.
I've just rang and the manager answered and said they were too busy today doing a care review and call back tomorrow.
I just want to speak to her.
All they have to do is pass her the phone for 5 mins.
Aibu here to be upset ?

Maybe just call again later. IME 3 to 4 is pretty busy with staff helping residents with afternoon drinks and care. Hope you get to speak to her later.

I wonder if this is arguably a 'deprivation of liberty' - read up on that OP - basically they aren't allowed to restrict her contact with the outside world

@FangsForTheMemory I don't know what her care plan is.
I don't know anything.
It was all rushed as she went in after a broken hip.
Nobody seems to know anything at the minute

Every day isn’t excessive. I visited my mum every day. If I couldn’t have seen her I’d definitely have called.

I didn't really know what time was best.
You have morning breakfast then getting residents washed and dressed.
Then you have mid morning cup of tea coffee
Then you have lunch ,clearing lunch away
Then afternoon cup of tea then tea time then putting residents to bed.

I can see both sides OP. I was going to suggest a phone in your grans room. I can read someone else suggested the same. It still could be useful as if the was a carer in the room they could just pass the phone to your gran.

Managers are usually the least busy in care homes so she/he could have took the phone personally.

But having worked previously in a care home the work load is immense and looking after 8 people at a time with various needs and short staffed I can see how they may not having time at that particular time to pass the phone to your Gran.

Phone again and be a ‘nuisance’. Explain that you’ve been trying to talk to her for 3 days & you must speak to her now. Dementia patients need that stability. Bless you xx

Communication with relatives is essential. I can’t believe people are trying to claim it is too much work.

Are you really suggesting that just because someone is old or sick, they should be cut off from their family entirely? Why even bother providing care if the elderly aren’t going to be treated like human beings? Oh, grandma broke her hip, everybody say goodbye because it’s time to put her in storage.

Op, sorry I used your grandmothers actual condition. Typing took me a bit and we cross-posted.

Surely a 5 minute call isn't too inconvenient

It must be very difficult though. Each time a phone call comes through they have to don PPE to take the phone through. They then have to remove PPE and decontaminate the phone after the call.
I don’t know what the answer is I’m just saying it may be 5 mins to you but that’s a 20 min operation, at least, for the staff.
I’m a HCP and everything takes a lot longer than you think when you are putting all that gear on, taking it off and then cleaning and re cleaning.
I’m sorry you are missing your Gran.

Is there a way you can get a phone in her room and then someone can phone you when they are getting her tea in the afternoon or whenever it is convenient for them?

Its very poor. Ask them whether they have applied for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards and why. Stopping people speaking with relatives can be considered a deprivation of liberty and is a potential brach of MCA 2005.

A simple guide is at www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs62_deprivation_of_liberty_safeguards_fcs.pdf

If after a reasonable discussion with the registered manager, there is no joy, make a formal complaint and copy in the Care Quality Commission using the webform on the CQC website.

Is this the carehome you found for your gran that you liked very much. Maybe they are genuinely busy. Dont give up. Just call again later and ask if they can put a note in their diary and her careplan to say you will be calling or maybe see uf a member if staff can help gran call you when its quiet.

Im in a similar position OP. Its shit. My gran has a doro secure phone but doesn't use it to call and very rarely picks up.

I kept her with me for as long as I could and even back then, she was a bit funny about using the phone and sometimes needed a lot of encouragement to speak to people that she really loved.

I've been hand delivering letters, the care home promised me they are reading them to her. I think that's the best thing I can do for now to try and make sure she knows she isn't forgotten.

I had something very similar to this recently and even when my Dad was dying it was almost impossible to speak to him. I escalated it and said that contact with his family MUST be a part of his care. I suggested that they called me or my mum at a time that WAS convenient to them.

They did try much harder after this and it meant that we got to say goodbye to him which I will always be grateful for. It may be a pain but these are actual people at the end of their lives and removing all contact with their loved ones is bloody disgusting.

Ask them what they CAN do. Be reasonable, daily might be too much but YANBU to ask for regular contact. Not at all.

Have you asked them if there's a way round this? It must be very hard for the staff at the moment with the restrictions, and less staff.

That doesn't mean your relationship with your gran should suffer though. See if you can work with them. Phone several times so that you get to speak to several different members of staff. My grandad has one particularly helpful carer who is pretty much the only person there he trusts. If I can get her on the phone, I know she'll do her best, and he'll listen to her. It's in your gran's best interests to keep them onside, at least in the first instance, before you go kicking up a fuss, as suggested by previous posters. If it doesn't work,then yes, all guns blazing. But softly softly, first.

Please don't be too reasonable. Contact with a family is a human right and the greatest risk to the vulnerable comes from closed cultures where there is little contact with the outside world.

Maybe agree a set time each day?

@whatsnewlussy of course you are NBU to be upset. How long has your Gran been in the home?

My grandfather had dementia and sadly spent the last few months of his life in hospital. The nurses were wonderful but there were just not enough of them. The phone used to ring incessantly but (quite rightly) they always attended the patients calling them before the relatives phone calls.

When visitors are restricted the staff are having to take on your roll as visitor, as well as doing their own roll to keep the residents safe & well. They are pulled from pillar to post trying to keep everyone happy.

If they are usually kind & caring I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Is your Gran well enough to articulate whether she feels her care is acceptable?

Could you send in some old photos for her to have in her room, write to her?

Don’t give up calling though. If you don’t get to speak to her tomorrow I would write to the manager explaining what you have said here.

Cross posted

Contact a builders yard op.
One in Belgium I think it was used a cherry picker to lift relatives up to see loved ones in care homes on upper floors!! Was a sight to see!! Very tear jerking..

@Windyatthebeach That's excellent!

A tricky one to be honest. I work in care homes as an activity coordinator and I would say there is never a good time.
Possibly between 3pm - 4pm might be worth trying as staff have done their change over by then and it is before tea. Better still ask the staff when is the best time.

I’m sorry this is upsetting for you OP.

To play devil’s advocate though-

People with end stage dementia are likely to struggle with phone calls or people just turning up at windows as others have suggested.

Visiting in person may go well as seeing you in person gives lots of visual cues, but this doesn’t tell you much about other forms of contact.

It may well be the case that phone calls are unsettling and therefore not particularly useful for the majority of residents.

While it’s upsetting for you, you might need to ask yourself who the calls would really benefit. If it’s predominantly you, rather than your relative, you might need to accept the sad loss of your contact with her just now, and rest assured that if this really is end stage dementia, she is unlikely to be experiencing the passage of time in the same way you are.

That said, go with your gut and if you really think it’s of benefit to her, find a way forward with staff, while hearing them out on their view.

Maybe the staff could take a phone with them and call you when they are with gran if she is having supervised meals and drinks if she is benefitting from speaking to you.

@HappyHammy 3-4 is the time that the home asked her to call. They chose it as their most convenient time.