To ask for advice on how to deal with neighbour issues?

[Nameynameychangey1234555554544]

So we live in a cul de sac with a mix of houses, so most houses have children accept for the 4 maisonettes on the end. All are HA

My garden also backs onto another garden Which is privately owned.

We have 3 DC the middle of which has severe autism and is non verbal, he is nearly 7. Yesterday the neighbours at the back came round and have asked that we do not let DS in the garden anymore. DS is hard work, and sometimes throws things over the fence from the trampoline, his understanding level is very low but we try our best to tell him not to do that and bring him inside if he throws anything.

I was just a bit shocked to be asked not to let him in the garden at all, I understand they have a young daughter and don’t want random T-shirt’s flying over their fence but it seems a little unreasonable to ask us not to use our garden at all so that their 1 ish year old can play. I haven’t let my kids out all morning today and I can see their child isn’t even out.

There was some veiled smugness from them about owning their home, obviously they are far superior parents with their 1 neurotypical baby.

It’s just adding more stress to an already stressful situation, none of the children in the cul de sac can play out the front now either due to complaints and threats to phone the police about breaking social distancing from the childless people in the maisonettes at the end (no social distancing was broken, 4 children playing on their bikes supervised by parents).

So basically I’m now trapped in my house... we take the children out once a day but it is stressful and sometimes dangerous as DS has no understanding of roads or keeping close, has a meltdown when he sees a park he isn’t allowed in, doesn’t understand social distancing etc.

DS gets 2 days a week at school but is not getting his sensory diet or any of his therapies or respite and I’m just feeling like life is so hopeless at the minute, both parents trying to work from home, while homeschooling our 2 NTchildren and trying to stop DS killing himself and destroying the house.

I just want to move to the middle of nowhere where I don’t have to apologise for him every 2 minutes.

@Bottleup

Let the poor soul out that's heartbreaking. People like your neighbour dont get it with their NT child - maybe one day they'll find themselves in a position like you and hope these people around them have more understanding and empathy. Your poor child will be struggling enough with lockdown without being able to use his garden. And its discriminatory to say can just your ASD child stay in. Horrible people.

I have to keep my girls in as well, as if the door is open or the key to the door is in sight he will let himself out. The girls are 8 and 5

If he's actually looking for things to throw, are there any consequences for when he does it?

Kids shouldn’t be playing in the front street at present. They can’t possibly maintain social distancing. I don’t think you can really complain about that.

Re. the back garden - if your DS is throwing things from the trampoline then perhaps it needs to be removed. He can’t keep throwing things at the neighbours.

Yabu for him keeping throwing things into their garden that can potentially cause injury to them and their child, if he’s out I’m afraid one of you are going to have to supervise him and keep reinforcing the message that he’s not allowed to throw things and if he does take him inside until he understands.

Yanbu to keep inside, absolutely I would not allow this.

As for the netting I’d just put it up yourself, HA won’t pay for this, you may have to go throw OT if your unable to do this yourself however working in this field this isn’t something we would authorise, as supervision would eliminate the issue.

Actually, assuming the trampoline has netting around the sides, you could order replacement netting (Amazon and lots of other websites) and attach it to the top?

They cannot stop you from using the garden but I can see how they are worried if a golf club and a spirit level have been thrown over a 6 foot fence.

Can he only throw stuff over the fence whilst on the trampoline? If so get a net over the top.

It's almost impossible to watch a child 24/7 so I have massive sympathy for you. There might be steps you can take that can reduce the risk of things going over the fence.

*through

Put the netting up unless you think someone will complain about it. If everyone is happy with it the housing association will be none the wiser, and probably won’t mind that much, even if they find out about it further down the line. Or move or remove the trampoline. How far can a child who isn’t even seven throw?

I think it's disgraceful that your neighbours have asked you for to not let your son in the garden! I would acknowledge that they do not like having things thrown in their garden but it is your garden and you and your son have a right to use it. I'm an OT and imagine that the trampoline is very good for your son's sensory regulation and exercise at present and that this is more important than their need to not have t shirts thrown over the fence.
I live in a family friendly area and there are always balls getting thrown one way or another, this is perfectly reasonable. I think suggestions regarding netting are a good idea and monitoring what he takes outside. But don't feel you have to comply with their unreasonable wishes OP

Whoa, he's thrown a shoe and a spirit level? That puts a different perspective on it.
Does your DS only do it from the trampoline or does he throw stuff over when on the ground too?

Their child's play area may be at the other end of the garden while they are very young but what about later on? What about the parents too? I wouldn't like to risk having a spirit level hit me whilst mowing my lawn or gardening or just walking around enjoying looking at my flowers.

That behaviour isn't acceptable and you need to find a solution. How would you have felt if they'd thrown the spirit level back and it had hit and injured one of your family?

No one can tell you not to use your garden. But it's a bit of a drip feed to say he throws t-shirts, then to add on that he's thrown a golf club and a spirit level, too.

Is he supervised 100% when he's outside? It would be unreasonable to leave him alone if he doesn't understand he can't throw things.

Of course it's not ok for them to be having heavy things thrown into their garden but it's their attitude that's bad. Their approach should be "we have a problem here, how can we sort it in a way that keeps our child safe and allows your children some vitally essentially exercise, fresh air and, for your ASD child, sensory input. But their attitude seems to be "our child isn't safe so keep your kids indoors at all times" without factoring in that your children have needs too. It's the "all about me" attitude that's not ok.

They can't tell you not to use your garden! How ridiculous. I would just make sure there's nothing in the garden to throw. It might mean having a totally empty garden but if that's what's needed I think it's the best option

If you are in the garden with him then that’s ok in my eyes, however if he is out there unsupervised I can see the neighbours point. If thrown with force then shoe, spirit level and especially a golf club could cause injuries.

I would approach your HA again about netting and also make use of the front, let other neighbours complain, if social distancing rules are not broken then crack on.

You can buy trampoline tents to go on the top so they could possibly solve the issue of throwing things over

A golf club turfed over the fence could kill the neighbours' baby.

Someone recently posted about this from the perspective of the neighbours. She was advised to try and work with the parents of the child to maybe come up with a timetable or something so that they could all use their gardens but not at the same time. A huge compromise obviously.

A shoe
A toy
A spirit level
A golf club

I was with you when it was just a t.shirt but they have to protect their child.

Get some trampoline netting for the top. Or if that proves too expensive, football netting is quite cheap.

I don’t believe they have the right to tell you to keep your child inside , although I can appreciate they might be worried about having a heavy thing lobbed over the fence.

I think just very very close supervision of his trampoline time is the better solution isn’t it? Zip it up with a lock on so he can’t go out and sneak something in while you’re busy in the house? He has to wait for you first otherwise he doesn’t go in it.

But either way, neighbours can’t tell you he can’t go in his own garden. They can decide they won’t go in their own garden if they think it’s so very dangerous.

Football netting starts at £7 here

I can see how people with a small child might be worried about heavy objects coming over BUT they have approached this in a negative way
They should be looking for ways for you to work together for a solution

He is never out there alone ever, if he throws he is told off and bought inside but he doesn’t really understand, yes he does look for things to bounce on the trampoline with.

And he can throw very far for a 7 year old.

We don’t want HA to pay for the netting we are happy to pay for it, OT had been out 2 years ago and still waiting for the dividing 4foot fence to be raised... (not allowed to do that ourselves either)

"I did consider getting rid of the trampoline but the bouncing soothes him and stops his bouncing on aall the beds."
I'd sooner get rid of the trampoline and let the child jump over the beds than risk injury to the neighbours.

In your position, I would also ensure I have Public Liability Insurance in case your DS does unwittingly cause injury to a neighbour.

If we hear them out I bring him inside, just in case, he has never thrown anything while they are in the garden as I don’t let him out When they are out.

If it was socks and t shirts as you first implied then I think they were being ridiculous but you have now added a golf club, spirit level, shoes and toys that changes things and they are right to be concerned about this. Those things could cause serious injury.

Of course your ds can’t be kept inside but you need to put netting on top of the trampoline and only allow him to play out when you are sure he has nothing that he can throw over.