To ask for advice on how to deal with neighbour issues?

[Nameynameychangey1234555554544]

So we live in a cul de sac with a mix of houses, so most houses have children accept for the 4 maisonettes on the end. All are HA

My garden also backs onto another garden Which is privately owned.

We have 3 DC the middle of which has severe autism and is non verbal, he is nearly 7. Yesterday the neighbours at the back came round and have asked that we do not let DS in the garden anymore. DS is hard work, and sometimes throws things over the fence from the trampoline, his understanding level is very low but we try our best to tell him not to do that and bring him inside if he throws anything.

I was just a bit shocked to be asked not to let him in the garden at all, I understand they have a young daughter and don’t want random T-shirt’s flying over their fence but it seems a little unreasonable to ask us not to use our garden at all so that their 1 ish year old can play. I haven’t let my kids out all morning today and I can see their child isn’t even out.

There was some veiled smugness from them about owning their home, obviously they are far superior parents with their 1 neurotypical baby.

It’s just adding more stress to an already stressful situation, none of the children in the cul de sac can play out the front now either due to complaints and threats to phone the police about breaking social distancing from the childless people in the maisonettes at the end (no social distancing was broken, 4 children playing on their bikes supervised by parents).

So basically I’m now trapped in my house... we take the children out once a day but it is stressful and sometimes dangerous as DS has no understanding of roads or keeping close, has a meltdown when he sees a park he isn’t allowed in, doesn’t understand social distancing etc.

DS gets 2 days a week at school but is not getting his sensory diet or any of his therapies or respite and I’m just feeling like life is so hopeless at the minute, both parents trying to work from home, while homeschooling our 2 NTchildren and trying to stop DS killing himself and destroying the house.

I just want to move to the middle of nowhere where I don’t have to apologise for him every 2 minutes.

[HostessTrolley]

Home ownership doesn’t give them more rights than you have - or make them better parents x

[Molocosh]

Throwing his tshirt isn’t a huge problem. But now I’ve seen the update - he can’t continue throwing heavy items over the fence, he could injure someone. A spirit level hitting a 1yo on the head could kill them. In that context I can understand why they’ve asked you not to let your DS in the garden. He obviously needs a higher level of supervision than you’re providing. You shouldn’t be running over to stop him - you should remain within arms reach if he might throw dangerous objects.

[AnnaBanana333]

Agree with Thesearmsofmine and others. A golf club is very different from a T-shirt, but sadly I think you're going to carry on getting responses from people who think it's only soft clothes getting thrown over.

You don't have to stop your son going in the garden but you do need to be watching him like a hawk every moment, or somebody is going to get hurt. That's a bloody pain in the arse for you but it isn't unreasonable.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

They should be looking for ways for you to work together for a solution*

I disagree with this, the onus is on the OP to not allow her ds to potentially injury others, the neighbours have no responsibility in the OP doing this.

Yes the neighbours are being UR to ask for the child to not play in the garden, however at the same time the OP must take steps to eliminate this, if she cannot do this then yes he must be supervised at all times to stop him thrown heavy objects which could seriously injure/kill someone.

[WendyHoused]

YABU. If you can’t prevent your son from lobbing a shoe, golf clubs, spirit levels etc into a garden with a toddler, AND you haven’t sufficiently netted the top of the trampoline to prevent it, you shouldn’t be taking your son outside.

I appreciate it’s difficult and stressful. But for heaven’s sake, he could seriously damage the child.

Keep your net locked, stitch a tarp over the top if necessary, gerry-rig whatever you can to prevent him throwing things. He can’t be told but with ingenuity you can work around it. Or take him out front.

Your son’s soothing via trampoline doesn’t trump their child’s safety in their own garden.

[WorraLiberty]

Are you sure it's just the trampoline he throws things from OP?

Because I'm struggling to work out how it didn't simply occur to any of you to pop a bit of netting on top?

[Dotty1970]

So what about the netting on top then????

I clicked YANBU but would change it now, you say their toddler isn't out... I can see why, a spirit level or golf club could kill her!! Jesus.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

Would he go for a target in your garden to throw his things at? A small football goal or large cardboard box? Points for a score? Apologies if completely ridiculous idea x

[Neverendingweeds]

What did they actually say to you? I am confused by the comment about them owning their house?

The fact is, if they have a young child they are thinking about their child's safety. Heavy items being chucked over pose a risk to their child.

Could you put a load of tall growing plants, maybe bamboo to create a screen that he might not be able to throw things over? Or somehow block that end of the garden off unless you are watching what he does?

[grapesofbath]

OP You haven't commented on the suggestion to get netting over the top of the trampoline. If he only throws things over when on the trampoline this could solve the problem.

I was once bowling with my family (including one 8yo and one 3yo) and a man who was obviously not NT and did not speak, and another man who I think was a carer, came to bowl on the next lane to us. The man proceeded to launch bowling balls like a shot put down the lane, not waiting for the right time (i.e. his turn or for the skittles to be reset etc) and some of them came crashing down onto our lane. We spoke to the carer who just said he enjoys it and he's not doing any harm. Staff did nothing either. We got out of there obviously, but while speaking to staff afterwards, a child got hit in the back of the leg and screamed. It could have been far worse though.

I have utmost sympathy for people suffering with behavioural or ND issues but you absolutely cannot let him be a danger to other people.

[Pugsrus]

So once or twice it was something heavy ,a spirt level ...they have a one year old ,that would of caused serious damage to her ,had it hit her
I’ve 2 with autism ,one high functioning,one not .
The eldest we had to watch like a hawk ,anything and everything he threw over the fence.
You need to make sure he can not reach anything dangerous for a start.
If he is in the garden ,you need to be too.
I couldn’t take my eyes of my eldest without him doing something,if yours is the same ,it’s up to you to keep him ,and the neighbors child safe from anything dangerous being thrown over

[Pugsrus]

There is no other way round this ,than
If he is in the garden ,you must be too .

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

"He is never out there alone ever, if he throws he is told off and bought inside but he doesn’t really understand, yes he does look for things to bounce on the trampoline with.
If he doesn't understand then there is no point in telling him off. You need to prevent it in the first place. If you are going to let him out then you will just have to totally dedicate yourself to watching him thoroughly at all times, however hard that may be.

And he can throw very far for a 7 year old."
You need to make sure there is nothing out there for him to throw.

[usersouthcoast]

How about putting up two very tall washing line poles at the bottom of your garden, and then raising and lowering a football net each time he goes out?

[Pugsrus]

Nice idea southcoach .mine would of climbed that in seconds and been over the top like Spider-Man

[usersouthcoast]

Ah.

[Russell19]

I'm stuck in the middle here. On pne hand your neighbours can't tell you to stay in but it sounds like he's thrown a lot of things over which could be dangerous on numerous occasions which you haven't really done anything about other than keeping him indoors. Those things could be so dangerous flying through the air so I can understand your neighbours concerns.

[CharmerLlama]

The trampoline netting is a great idea and should be considered.

An alternative is to go and see the neighbours for a (socially distanced) chat. Tell them that your son is severely autistic and all three of your children need to - and will - go into your garden to play. However, acknowledge the problem with the throwing of objects and explain that your HA won't allow you to put netting on top of the fence (assume it is the HA's fence?) to prevent it. If you and they are willing you could offer to pay for netting to be erected on their side of the boundary on poles. They might not want this but it shows you are trying to find a compromise and solution to the problem.

[whatthefuckamigoingtodo]

I can't believe you just casually mentioned he threw a golf club and spirit level 😂

They are probably scared for their lives!

They can't tell you to not use your garden, but it seems unfair that they can't safely use theirs.

[Dotty1970]

Your not answering things but expect the support and solutions....

What about netting on top of the trampoline?

What did your neighbour say regarding them owning their property?

[nettytree]

You were lucky they haven't got the police involved. If my neighbours were chucking spirit levels over the fence, I would be straight on the phone. Please contact the LA again, they must be able to offer some help.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Yesterday the neighbours at the back came round and have asked that we do not let DS in the garden anymore
Did they elaborate? Did you discuss what was causing them problems?

You say that he only goes out when they are not, so I don't see what the issue is. Did you tell them that? Did you reassure them that you do indeed double check and that all the things that were thrown was they were not there?

Either they need reassurance over the things thrown or things are not as black and white and there have been times when things were thrown when they were there.

[Mascaramademehappy]

It’s not your neighbours responsibility to come up with a plan to keep them safe from flying objects coming into their own garden. That lies with you 100%.

If you had these discussions last year as well and it’s still happening it’s no wonder they have said they don’t want you to use the garden. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are speaking with the HA also.

You must be run ragged trying to keep eyes in the back of your head but you need to come up with the solution, not them. Imagine if their baby DID get hit by the golf club!!!

[ImInYourMindFuzz]

@Dotty1970

Your not answering things but expect the support and solutions....

What about netting on top of the trampoline?

What did your neighbour say regarding them owning their property?

She did say she would look into the netting in her 12.42 update

[QuizzlyBear]

I imagine your neighbours (over) reaction by telling you not to let your DS in the garden came as a result of a scare - was it related to the golf club being thrown?

I must admit if I had a toddler in the garden and a golf club came flying over the fence, my first instinct would be to go full Mama Bear.