Am I lazy!

[Patriciathestripper1]

Small back story.... live very rural on a farm. Lots of animals. Husband workd away on events catering in the summer and I stay home and tend to animals and look after dd(13) with school and in holidays ect... we went through a bad patch financially and husband starts having a go at me saying I’m lazy ect.... snd why can’t I go out to work. Problem is his work is in another country and when it’s going well he isn’t here. He makes me feel worthless and knocks my confidence and belittles what I do at home eg: house is never clean enough, got no nice things to eat ( I shop on a strict budget) I have been offered jobs in the past. but when he is away there is no one else to do the animals and get daughter to school. I feel so low. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

So you live on a farm but are you actually farming for your living ?

It’s a hobby farm so we are raising g anomaly /crops for our own use. But they still require daily looking after

What do you do when he's not working away? How long is he gone?

I think you should get a job and be independent and have some finances of your own. It will help your self esteem and get you out of the house. Work partime and tend the farm

If it’s a hobby farm then it’s not really ok is it with money being tight that you’re pootling about on it while your dh is Having to carry the financial burden and not even being able to come home from work every evening because he works away.

Your dd must be in school most of the time and even during holidays it’s not like she needs full on ‘looking after.’ As long as there’s an adequate level of supervision she must want to be doing her own thing.

Get a job and I'll give you some advice my supervisor gave me as a young girl

NEVER rely on a man for anything
Always earn enough to support yourself and be independent
Always stash money away in a secret account they don't know about - they call it the escape fund 😂

It was sound advice that has served me well and I've re-gifted this advice loads of times

Btw not acceptable that he belittles you. Sounds as though the underlying thing is that he’s stressed and there’s too much of disparity between your lives. He’s working away, not even able to be in the same country, while you’re tied to a home because of a hobby essentially

Tell him fine. He can find homes for the animals and sort a childminder for the school run and then you'll get a job when he has taken care of it.

Make him sort out the workability of it.

Honestly? Just get a job and contribute

The OP is contributing, by holding the fort when he buggers off, out the country

His behaviour towards you sounds horrible. That's not ok, whatever the practicalities. On those though, for your own sake and future:

Your dd presumably has access to after school clubs etc. Most parents of 13yos work.

The farm as a barrier to you working. Is it worth it? Do you make / save more money from it than you would from working? Seems unlikely. Surely better value to sell the animals, get a job and have enough money to buy the annual products of your farm, many times over, with money to spare.

You seem to have made some very constraining lifestyle choices as a couple. The question is whether you can continue to afford that lifestyle. Or whether you are willing to constrain your lives further, in service of that lifestyle.

When did you last work? Do you have saleable skills? So realistically, what's your chance of gaining employment at all, and for a decent wage, locally (bearing in mind transport costs etc)?

She's 13. Before you know it, she'll be on her own!
I'd get out there and learn some new skills.
It's all virtual, now, so easy to brush up, get DD to school, and take care of animals! She might love helping you study (or train), too!
What are you interested in doing?

It's not acceptable that he belittled you, however a part time job sounds a good idea, as finances are tight and it would give you some independence from him.

He is being a jackass.

Can't your daughter get herself to school at 13? I had my own key at that age.

He can be gone for weeks at a time

Not an exscuse but we are a 30 min walking from a bus and they have a really heavy school bag.

How many animals are we talking about here? And what are they? Makes a difference.
I'd be reducing the animals and getting a job.
Does your husband resent working away?

Two seperate issues here. The first one is his treatment of you which is not ok. It’s not acceptable of him to belittle you and make you feel worthless, this needs to stop.
Second issue, is whether you could be working. Sorry OP but the idea that you can’t work because you need to stop your daughter to school 🤨 really? She’s 13. And it’s a hobby farm. The animals are essentially pets. So make arrangements for some if it’s too much for you to work as tend to them but I don’t think anyone would thinks it’s ok to say ‘ I can’t work because we’ve got too many pets’. And in the absence of a giant drip feed, one 13 year old is not a hinderance either - drop her to school before you start work and organise clubs etc for the afternoon.

You really need to be more specific if you want people to give you any useful advice.

Lots of people walk 30 mins to school, that's not a big deal in itself.

What's the point of this hobby farm? He's never there to enjoy it. It's a burden and constraint upon you. Why bother with it?

You’re right, a 30 minute walk from the bus isn’t an excuse.

Get a job. Don't tend to the animals. See how lazy he thinks you are then.

No woman should be financially dependant on a man. It doesn't make for a good future

Only you know whether you're lazy. If you're doing the bare minimum at home when you're in all day I see his point. Is the strict food budget out of necessity?

That’s the thing ... no after school clubs and no supervision if we not there. Getting the gist of the general answers now..,. Backcslky backing up what he thinks... get a job..,