Am I lazy!

[Patriciathestripper1]

Small back story.... live very rural on a farm. Lots of animals. Husband workd away on events catering in the summer and I stay home and tend to animals and look after dd(13) with school and in holidays ect... we went through a bad patch financially and husband starts having a go at me saying I’m lazy ect.... snd why can’t I go out to work. Problem is his work is in another country and when it’s going well he isn’t here. He makes me feel worthless and knocks my confidence and belittles what I do at home eg: house is never clean enough, got no nice things to eat ( I shop on a strict budget) I have been offered jobs in the past. but when he is away there is no one else to do the animals and get daughter to school. I feel so low. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

I voted YANBU before I realised it's a hobby farm!
so YABU

Your daughter at 13 can get herself to and from school and doesnt need looking after like a baby or toddler leaving you free to work.

Why dont you get a job?

“
I live in Ireland too and understand where you are coming from. You can't walk to the bus in rural Ireland, it just isn't safe. ”

Can you elaborate on this donkeytail ? I believe you, but I’m curious.

“I voted YANBU before I realised it's a hobby farm!
so YABU”

Agree with a PP that calling it a Hobby Farm is unhelpful. People are getting really hung up on it.

Does the farm make money? If not I think you have a choice... either find a way to make decent money from the farm or move on. You and your DP have set up a situation where you have a big drain on your time, if you cannot afford to live like this then something has to change.

So where I lived as a teenager (rurally) we got it down to a 15 minute walk by my walking across the fields, but the original suggestion from the bus company/council would have involved me setting off for school at 7:30am and getting home at 5pm, for a 9am to 3:45 day. I would have been able to walk in summer probably, but the roads are 60 miles an hour (obviously you shouldn't drive that fast but people do), two way with no pavement, sometimes steep banks and if not, often hedges right up to the road, no street lights and no white line down the middle, as they aren't wide enough. Cars often squeezed right onto the edges of the road to make room for people coming the other way. Walking down those for half an hour in the dark is pretty dangerous even with a torch and a fluorescent jacket. I've had to literally throw myself into hedges to avoid being killed.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want that for your daughter every day, especially if you aren't even at home to know they've got back safely.

YABU. My husband is a farmer- we're mostly arable and that is his full time occupation. We have three working dogs, a flock of sheep, four horses and a toddler and I fit them all in comfortably around an office profession where I am away from the house 8-6 three days a week. I'm currently on mat leave with our second but come winter I will be back at work again.

Like one of the PP suggested, can't you increase the activity on your farm and make it into a profitable business? Grow and sell some unusual fruit and veg, you could look in to making some of this into preserves. Sell other eggs (e.g. duck, quail (prolific layers), goose etc). Look in to buying other animals, goats and alpacas, sell their wool (alpacas) or milk (goats), look in to other things like alpaca trekking days. I presume you use the cows for dairy? What sort of practises do you use, do you keep the calf with mum, could be a selling point of the milk and people will often pay higher prices for these sort of practises. Could you make butter, cheese or ice cream from this? Same really for the sheep. And goats if you had a few of those.

How big is the farm? I assume you're not really located suitably for a farm shop, is there a village shop that you could supply your products via? Our local Morrisons sells local eggs, perhaps once established in your village shop, start approaching bigger places. Less perishable stuff like preserves, honey or soap could be sold online.

Not a chance I'd let a young teen walk those roads with farm machinery and general.speeding that goes on. Also in Ireland. Donkeytails suggestions good, except the snails bit

If it was him that wanted to live really and get animals then it does seem harsh that because of a joint decision it's hard for you to get a job and then he has a go at you for not having a job.

It seems the choices are - carry on as you are, see if you can get a part time job working from home for a bit of extra money.

Wait a few years and get a part time job somewhere else when your daughter can drive as you wont be so restrained by school pick up

Start making the farm make money for you eg value added products like home made ice cream and cheese though this sounds least likely

Sell the farm and move somewhere less rural so your daughter can get herself to and from school and then you can get a job more easily.

You need to discuss it with him

I dont think you are lazy. Looking after livestock, doing school runs etc will take up a lot of your time. Who chose to run a hobby farm? If it's you then maybe he is fed up funding your hobby. If him, then he needs a bit of realism.

I think you need to sit down and lay out some options. Give up the farm and move back to the town, he restructures his career so he can work locally, do school runs and work the farm, you look at something you can do for a few hours a day flexi time and remote (good luck but maybe more of that going forwards), stay as you are etc.

Have a look at what is available nearby work wise. I think he's showing frustration at being solely responsible for money. Or maybe he is just dick. Only you know. Only you also know if getting work is possible but you dont want to.

Yes perhaps hobby farm was the wrong thing to call it. We were doing the self sufficiency thing with the veg and food ect... it just think it doesn’t make financial and ‘time’ sense to go out and work part time to have to give it to someone else to pay for looking after the place and don’t want to leave dd at hone on her own for example if she’s sick from school or on school holidays.. when husband is home that’s fine as there is someone else here but when he’s away that leaves just me.

Anyway thank you wise mumsnetters... you have given me lots to think on x

You're not hearing what people are saying. If the hobby / subsistence / self-sufficiency farming project isn't paying its way and is preventing you from earning more than its value, then you need to consider ditching the farming project.

You don't need to pay someone else to do hobby farming for you. (Who on earth pays someone to do run their 'self-suffuciency thing' for them? That is the opposite of self-sufficiency!). You need to stop playing at farming.

If the self-sufficiency thing was your DH's dream, that you were happy to go along with, and he's now abandoned it for paid work, you are more than free to do the same.

Your DH needs to face some hard truths here. The change in his working patterns has made a significant practical and material difference to the way your household is able to operate. He needs to work out what his priorities are. You need to work out what yours are. Then the two of you need to have a calm, grown-up discussion.

If he isn't capable of that, you have a different problem.

Tell your DH you will get a job once he arranges care of animals or sells all animals as you cannot do both.

You definitely couldn’t let a 13 year old walk 30 mins on many roads in rural Ireland, just not safe with the amount of cars on them. I wouldn’t do it.

And I think a 30 min walk before and a bus journey twice a day is a bit much to expect a teenager to do, especially in Irish weather!

But you could arrange a lift with a friend, or work around school drop off times.

The school bags here are ridiculously heavy theres no way my 14 year old who is also about 30mins from bus stop would be able to do it. On a cold wet morning it's just not feasible. I'm in a similar position OP, I dont work because I have 2 kids 1 in primary and 1 in secondary school, both start different times and finish different times. By the time I drop them off I have 4 hours before I need to pick youngest 1 up. Theres no after school here either. Difference is my husband supports me staying at home, it works best for us but if he wanted me to contribute and get a job that would be a different story. If you get €200 a week you wouldn't get much more if you worked part time and gave up the farm would you?

I don’t think you’re lazy, OP. It sounds like you do a lot.

Is there a way to make money from the farm, in a less traditional way? Do you blog about it? Microblog (Twitter / Instagram)?

There are a lot of people who want to know these skills. I bet you have learned a million things from running a small holding that you don’t even think about.

The added advantage of microblogging is that he could see how busy you’ve been & maybe might be less of an arsehole.

I think you do have a job, it just doesn't pay enough. Make a plan for a way out.

I understand the rural roads issue. But the 'no after school clubs' one - what do other people do? Does every family of teenage children in rural Ireland have a SAHP available to ferry them to school and back?

Not every school has afterschool clubs. And the small villages which have rural schools most likely won't have any clubs, certainly not every day. So it would still involve picking up said child after school and driving them somewhere else for another activity.

Or making arrangements with other parents to share that task, surely.

I just do not believe that every rural family has a full time SAHP for teenagers.

@lottiegarbanzo
Mixes of the following ime:
Go to the local library and do homework until parent finishes work.
Supervised (paid for) study in a school/youth centre (sometimes with a late bus home).
School bus home - our school bus goes past the gate at around 7.45am, back 4.45pm, so a decent amount of time to get a day's work done even if you have to drop to and from the bus stop.
Car pool with neighbours.
Walk to afterschool activity (e.g. basketball, etc), parent collects afterwards or car pools.
Parent works shorter hours to finish earlier.

This is secondary school tho...most villages wouldn't have a secondary school.

OP's dd is 13 so it is secondary school we're talking about.

I really would get a part time job OP, although it will be more difficult at the moment I guess. Even if you enjoy what you do surely it would be nice to have some adult conversation while your husband is away and your dd is at school - at 13 she's going to be spending an increasing amount of time with her friends anyway.
Extra cash would help at home.
A job would help you to be independent.
Regular contact outside the home could be interesting.