Am I lazy!

[Patriciathestripper1]

Small back story.... live very rural on a farm. Lots of animals. Husband workd away on events catering in the summer and I stay home and tend to animals and look after dd(13) with school and in holidays ect... we went through a bad patch financially and husband starts having a go at me saying I’m lazy ect.... snd why can’t I go out to work. Problem is his work is in another country and when it’s going well he isn’t here. He makes me feel worthless and knocks my confidence and belittles what I do at home eg: house is never clean enough, got no nice things to eat ( I shop on a strict budget) I have been offered jobs in the past. but when he is away there is no one else to do the animals and get daughter to school. I feel so low. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

No after school clubs? Are you in the uk? When did you last work?

A 13 year old can be left alone for a few hours after school. It’s perfectly acceptable.

She doesn't need after school care. She's 13. Most of my friends and myself were babysitting at the age.

How many animals do you have and what are they?

Is working away in that field bringing in enough money to justify leaving you tied to looking after the animals? Some things might need to change if more money needs to come in, but that doesn't necessarily mean the burden of sorting everything out should fall on you, just because that's what you do now. Does your DH have any constructive ideas about how to make your lives work if you get a job?

This totally depends on the scale of the hobby farm and how you ended up with it. If it’s a small number of animals, get a job and work around it. If it’s big enough to take up a substantial part of your day then you both need to decide whether you’d rather sacrifice the farm to have a more stable household income.

Thanks guys, I’ve worked with him in the past but by the time we’ve paid for travel and accommodation then paid for someone to come to the farm and feed the animals (pigs, horses, chickens, ducks, dogs,cats. Cows ) it hadn’t been financially worth it. It was better for him to employ a member of staff than to have the added cost of me work with him, plus a chimdminder who wouldn’t look after her overnight or after hours anyway.

A 13 yo doesnt need a childminder or an after school club, and you can drop them off at the bus stop before work if needed.

I would sell some of the animals, drop your daughter at the bus stop on the way to work.

She's 13, she can make her own way home, even with a heavy school bag.

How is she supposed to run a hobby farm, run the house and look after a 13 year old with a husband who works away a lot of the time and the get a job to fit around all of this too?

What sort of job can you get or what did you use to do before this?

You need to get a job.

Your animals sound like an extremely expensive hobby. Rather, if their care prevents you from earning a living, they are not a hobby, they have become your main job. What net income do they bring you?

@RainbowMum11 I have an 11 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 year old. My partner works away and is only home one week a month. I have 80 animals. I also have 2 jobs. The op needs to get a job. Having a 13 year old and having to ‘run the house’ should not be obstacles to working. If the hobby farm is so time consuming that she can’t get a job around it, then she should scale it right back or do away with it altogether. Your hobby should not come before your family or working for a living

Are any of the previous posters aware of rural life at all??
It seems not.
30 min walk to a bus on country lanes?
No after school clubs - also normal in more rural schools.
It also really isn't that easy to get a job that fits in with a husband that can work away for weeks on end.
Selling the animals and getting a job instead is bonkers - it's incredibly hard to get jobs with the school/time constraints irrespective of the animal care.

The reason you should probably get a job is so that you're not dependent upon a man who blames you for things being imperfect, when he's stressed.

Presumanly he wanted the dd and the animals too. He wants the lifestyle (when he's home). He just wants you to both proovide and pay for it. That's not reasonable, you cannot do both. You can do one.

The animals are not going to pay you a pension.

I live rural in Ireland... I currently qualify for the rural employment scheme and receive €200 a week farm payment. All of which goes on food and the animals. Nothing much left over. My problem (or argument ) is if I went to work yes I would probably get that take home for a part time job but wouldn’t be there/poor quality of care for daughter and animals and if I went full time would have to then pay someone to do what I was doing for €200 a week in the first place 🤔

People are being very harsh to you IMO.
You and your husband, presumably by joint agreement, live on a farm with animals and crops that need daily care. Your daughter is a minor issue compared to the farm needs really.
Your husband's work makes his time at home unreliable, sometimes for long periods.
You are both in financial difficulties.
He complains about how you do things a lot and you feel undermined.

(I'd say the last one on the list is a biggie.)

If you get a job, the animals and crops need to go or have someone else paid to look after them. Is that viable?
Does the farm bring in an amount of income more or less than you might get at work?
It doesn't seem like you could really do both at the same time, regardless of how much energy you had.
You need to have a big discussion about how things are going to work in the future.
Is he worth it?
Do you love him?

scwelshbird
Good for you - I am a single mum with a 7 year old and I work full time self employed too.
80 animals, 3 children and 2 jobs? Seriously? What are your pets and jobs?

@RainbowMum11 you’ve made a lot of assumptions there, the op hasn’t said any of the stuff you’ve made up. She’s not said the walk is dangerous or that jobs were in short supply, just that she doesn’t want to leave her 13 year old or animals

Whose hobby are the animals? Yours or your husbands?

Dogs, a hamster and very large collection of exotic animals. I run play sessions for baby’s/toddlers during the day and I pay someone to sleep over every Friday night when I do a night shift in a supermarket

You get it thank you. Up until we moved here we lived in a city and both worked full time shift work. It was his choice to move and I supported it. His job went in the direction of working away and I worked with him whilst dd was little but as she got older abs went to school I naturally took up the stay home toke...thank you for understanding the rural wAy of life.

Rainbow mum has hit it exactly how it is here

You're not unreasonable in your current circumstances but it obviously isn't working for you. Have you and husband considered a complete change in lifestyle, sell up and move on? The 'good life' isn't for everyone.