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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I lazy!

112 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 06/06/2020 23:25

Small back story.... live very rural on a farm. Lots of animals. Husband workd away on events catering in the summer and I stay home and tend to animals and look after dd(13) with school and in holidays ect... we went through a bad patch financially and husband starts having a go at me saying I’m lazy ect.... snd why can’t I go out to work. Problem is his work is in another country and when it’s going well he isn’t here. He makes me feel worthless and knocks my confidence and belittles what I do at home eg: house is never clean enough, got no nice things to eat ( I shop on a strict budget) I have been offered jobs in the past. but when he is away there is no one else to do the animals and get daughter to school. I feel so low. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 07/06/2020 01:10

Ok 'scwelshbird*
Rural Ireland and 39 mins walk to a bus stop generally makes me think that they don't live in a town.
Also, an assumption on my part about jobs that fit in with a husband who works overseas for weeks at a time - yes, because they really aren't easy to come by at all even without the given constraints,

lottiegarbanzo · 07/06/2020 01:11

How about he changes job / re-structures his business, so he can work from home and do his share of his 'hobby' and domestic work?

Then you'd be in a more reliable position to find other work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2020 01:13

I get that tending the animals is time-consuming, but you describe it as a 'hobby farm'. I'm not sure what that means, but it suggests to me that your farm is not a commercial business and doesn't provide a living for you, is this correct?

Can I ask, why devote your time to this in preference to taking a paying job? You say you have been offered jobs so you're clearly employable, so what ties you to this hobby farm? Is it what you want to do with your life?

Oh, and regardless of all that, your husband is being an arsewipe to describe you as lazy. It's impossible to be lazy in your circumstances.

cakeandchampagne · 07/06/2020 01:14

Maybe it’s time to rethink the whole hobby farm thing.
It doesn’t seem to be working for you personally or professionally.

Anoisagusaris · 07/06/2020 01:17

I have a friend in very similar circumstances to you, except her children are 10 and 8. She lives very rurally (in Ireland) after a lifestyle choice to move from a city, has loads of animals and grows stuff, works part time and has children aged 8 and 10. You could fit in a part time job around your daughter and your animals, if it’s something that is needed for your family and finances. Perhaps your husband would like to work away less.

Puddlejuice · 07/06/2020 01:19

Your family can't afford a SAHP to a teenager.
You need a long discussion with him about what your priorities are as a family.
Sure the vets bills alone must be awful, the farm is probably costing you money surely?

haveyoutriedgoogle · 07/06/2020 01:20

@RainbowMum11 come on.
School/time restraints? Really?
There is one 13 year old. Plenty of people (yes, even rurally) manage to work with more and younger children than that. The idea that a part time job would mean the child was getting ‘poor quality of care’ is ridiculous.
She has been offered jobs she’s turned down. Interchange ‘hobby farm’ with, say, ‘cycling’ (because it is a hobby).
‘How can the OP be expected to run a house, care for a 13 year old, so their cycling, and fit in a job around this?’

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/06/2020 01:24

So the hobby farm was your DH's dream, but you're the one who's had to give up financial independence to accommodate it and now he doesn't like the fact it basically costs a salary to have it, so he's having a go at you?

I think you would be wise to sell up and move back to somewhere you can work and your daughter can get to school (and her friends, etc.) by herself. The life you have has eroded your self-confidence and is dependent on a man who has taken you for granted and is coming to resent you. Make changes now before things get worse and make it harder to change.

NerdyBird · 07/06/2020 01:28

Can you look at jobs working from home? You'd likely still be able to take your dd to and from the bus, and do stuff for the animals.
You may have to pare back on crops/animals to make it fit in.
If moving was your husband's idea I think it's a bit off that he now wants you to work too, but getting some financial independence would be good for you.

RainbowMum11 · 07/06/2020 01:31

The Pp pointed out very clearly that this 'hobby dark' wasn't the initial choice of op.

Either way, the couple need to have an open discussion and try to work our what would suit all of them in the best way.

RainbowMum11 · 07/06/2020 01:32

*farm

Alphablocs · 07/06/2020 01:50

Can you and your dc travel into town together to get you to work and get to school?

And then she meets you after school and you travel home together?

What size is the town where she goes to school? Are there enough job opportunities for you there?

I think it’s reasonable to plan ahead for you to look for work, sell the animals and reduce the hobby farm workload in the short term.
He needs to help with the transition though. And you both need to think about your life priorities going forward.

And are there any ways to make the hobby farm profitable?

Donkeytail · 07/06/2020 01:50

I live in Ireland too and understand where you are coming from. You can't walk to the bus in rural Ireland, it just isn't safe.

If I were you I would be looking to make money with what I have. Turn your hobby farm into something more. Get some goats and make goats milk soap, get some bees make honey, get a polytunnel and grow some veg, farm snails. Find your niche and money will follow.

Ponoka7 · 07/06/2020 02:03

It sounds to me that he's looking for a stick to beat you with.

You can plan out the next two years. Childcare will no longer be an issue. Your DH needs to be on board with the planning, but he can't have the hobby farm and rural life sitting and waiting for him and get at you for not working.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 07/06/2020 02:05

I suspect this is actually a question of rewording how you discuss this (saying that any damn partner who called me lazy would be on a last warning) . Think of it this way, I have had to step put of work briefly as DP has to travel ( not other countries but overnights) and I have two DC. I cannot cover afterschool (when they go back) with childcare and they cannot be alone. Whilst we wont be swimming in money I being x y z income in via other means.

The above statement is one thing.

However I suspect you aren't realising the difference in " her school bag at 13 is too heavy to walk to a bus and the hobby farm needs looking after"

I honestly think your reasoning is fair for a rural area and I don't think you are lazy but if you are communicating it in the way above rather than the way I see my situation, frankly it sounds precious and silly. I would be annoyed too if you used things like your dad bus walk and bag , and feeding the animals which you refer to as a hobby , because they sound silly and entitled.

Reword it ,list the reality of what has to be covered and wouldn't be .

1forAll74 · 07/06/2020 02:14

Whether you call it a hobby or not,keeping farm animals and growing produce,is time consuming, and important work.It's not the type of work,that you can just walk away and leave, and you have to have a passion for this kind of work.

It is just a pity that your Husband works away, but he is way off. calling you lazy, when he know's what you have to do at home.

I used to help my late Grandparents on their small holding years ago, and we were all kept busy,from morning till night, with everything that had to be done.

steff13 · 07/06/2020 02:19

Do the animals provide food?

YoungsterIwish · 07/06/2020 02:28

If you are spending €200 on food for 2 people + animals...I would hope the animals bring in decent income after that. Food for 2 on a budget max €50..and it should be a lot less for you if you are partially self sufficient. I think UABU ( but obviously there is a lot more to your life and circumstances than 1 post). Yes, I live rural, dh works 80 hours a week seasonally and I work part-time and sort school runs/afterschool care, as do most parents in the area. I would also expect a 13yo to be able to work 30 min with a school bag, even on narrow roads. And do their share of animal care.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/06/2020 02:48

I'm in the UK not Ireland, but the hobby farms local to me have to be worked as part of the covenant for owning the land, so the op may not be able to just stop.

I don't imagine you are lazy. If what your dp is saying is that he has changed his mind about living on the farm and would rather have a more regular lifestyle then you should discuss it, but his wishes don't trump yours.

Nasty to be putting you down in that way, though. How is your relationship otherwise?

Trevsadick · 07/06/2020 05:41

Something needs to change.

Currently, you have little financial security, because of a hobby.

And your husband a dick. If he or you decide you want divorce, life will be a damn sight harder.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/06/2020 08:13

Maybe it would make more sense to call it a subsistence farm - though are you even able to subsist on its produce? Doesn't sound like it. A sub-subsistence farm. And you have become a slave to it. No wonder you're poor!

Your dd is at the age where rural living changes from being wonderful in childhood to being confining and constraining, as she wants to be able to see her friends independently (and most of her friends are able to see each other easily). Parents become a taxi service. The teenager starts longing for a city and moves to one as soon as they can get away.

SimonJT · 07/06/2020 08:22

Your husband was being horrible.

However a 13 year old who doesn’t have additional needs can not only walk 30 minutes they can also do it alone. My four year olds walk to school is 25 minutes, our walk to the park is 30-35 and he does have a physical disability (missing toes=balance issues).

I could happily fill my day with hobbies, I would love to, but I like you have a mortgage and bills etc. Is there a reason the animals can’t be fed by you in the morning before work, then daughter sees to them after school, then when your husband is working away you and your daughter can muck out etc when you get home from work? Ideally when your husband is home he should be doing half of the hobby based jobs.

breakingthebank · 07/06/2020 08:32

I don't think you sound lazy. Your dh seems to want to have his cake and eat it. When you say you have to shop on a tight budget - does dh contribute towards the food shopping or are you having to buy everything out of your €200?

Di11y · 07/06/2020 08:50

if he wants to keep the farm you don't get a job. if he's willing to sacrifice the farm then maybe. but sounds hard to manage childcare and school even if you didn't also have the farm.

any way you can up the profit on the farm so that's where your income is?

Cambionome · 07/06/2020 08:54

Op - I do see that this is quite a difficult situation for you, but I agree with a pp. DON'T make yourself totally financially dependent on someone else, especially this not very nice sounding man.

You need to rethink the issues with the hobby farm and your dd - its just not working well for you as a family at the moment. Ask him for his input as well - the family finances are not just your problem.

Most importantly: get some work experience and money behind you, you will be very thankful for this as you get older.