Opening up to nct friends only to be met with bragging

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I opened up slightly to a couple of nct mates last night about my son that had some speech therapy and will be starting again after a break because of covid.

One mate responded saying her daughter has made some good progress recently despite not saying much in March - fine but didn't ask anything about my son. Pretty self-centred reply but I can get out it.

The second mate responded saying how her daughter has the speaking skills of a 3-4 year old blah blah blah....

Just fuck off! This is why I don't really open up about stuff, it seems to open the door for disappointment.

I'm sorry to hear your NCT group friends were less than supportive. TBQH I've always thought that such groups were the preserve of uber-competitive mummies.

That’s NCT for you i’m afraid. Its the national performance parenting and showing off society...

I always feel bad when I read threads like this, because I don't recognise the NCT stereotypes that are clearly widespread. My group were absolutely lovely, perhaps I was just exceptionally lucky.

However, its worth remembering that NCT is an attempt to socially engineer a group of peers for you when you have a baby. It doesn't always work out. If these people are making you unhappy, quietly drop them and move on. You don't owe it to anyone to keep up with a social group that's making you feel like shit.

This makes me glad I'm not bothering with NCT. Pay 300 quid to be looked down on by a load of Claras and Tobies? No thanks.

I joined Nct 9 years ago when I was pregnant with dd 8. Initially it was really helpful for support and to have people to meet on mat leave. We were a group of 7 and I thought if I made 1 deceht friend it would be worth it. As it turns out 2 of them have become great friends and we meet on our own. I feel we'd have become friends wherever we'd met.

However, I do not like meeting as a group. I'd told them my dd had been diagnosed with ASD and was devastated. When we met up, noone mentioned it or asked how I was, there was boasting of their dcs' achievements, and I just cried all the way home and vowed not to meet again as a group.

@AcrobaticCardigan

Sounds like you want to talk about your child’s speech, but they’re not allowed to say how their child is coming along? Is speech now off the table as a subject because your child is behind in this area? 2nd person perhaps bit insensitive, but think mums of young children tend to be absorbed by their child and just want to share - it’s not always necessarily competitive. My child is way ahead of all the other babies we know - am I not allowed to share excitement at milestones incase I offend? I’m least competitive person I know, but bursting with love & pride for my beautiful little one!

If you're the least competitive person you know, I'd hate to meet your friends

I had a very positive experience with making friends at nct, DS is 4 and we still meet up.

DS has quite a significant speech and language delay and whilst I haven't had anyone say anything intentionally insensitive to me I've spent the last 2/2.5 years worrying about him and understand how, even innocuous, comments can hurt. I understand people want to talk about their children, I like talking about DS but sometimes it's a massive kicker to hear all about the 'hilarious thing little Tabitha said' when DS couldn't say mummy.

This makes me glad I'm not bothering with NCT. Pay 300 quid to be looked down on by a load of Claras and Tobies? No thanks.

There is nothing wrong with the names Toby or Clara, but judging people on their names is. ..

NCT - say no more!

NCT was the biggest waste of money that we ever spent. Complete competitive parenting. My stress and anxiety levels went through the roof everytime we met up. As soon as I ditched them and their competitive bragging life was so much easier. The OPs friends sound self centred and bragging.

Two of them are nice and I shall quietly drop the other two. I don't need the stress!

I was lucky my nct were really lovely (unless I was the oblivious twat in the group?) But I've met plenty of bragging parents in my time.

My favourite announced on Facebook the midwife told her her 2 week old was advanced. I cringed for her! 😆

Good luck with the speech therapy. There is a great book called small talk by Nicola lathey which is written by a speech and language therapist and gives great tips and background on speech development. Worth a try if you are struggling to access therapy.

I'm afraid this is how I found NCT to be, on a cultural level. I'm sure, in fact I know, that many women find it very supportive and helpful but I didn't.

With my first NCT we were a group and still in touch now. NCT the second time round the people where foul and one mother in particular was a flipping bully. Cut them dead. Don't regret it.

Some people don’t think. One of our members made a comment about her child not being able to crawl and only two of us actually told her not to worry (and were honest about our babies experiences). The others just blagged.

If an anecdote helps, my DS1 had very delayed speech. Speech therapy until he was 4. It came on slowly, eventually. His reading was similarly delayed, one of the oldest in reception but one of the worse readers. I persevered with reading to him, books he should have been able to read himself but still struggled with. I was still reading to him at age 13, His Dark Materials.

He suddenly seemed to ‘get it’ at GCSE and amazingly got an A for both English GCSEs. I was so proud! His maths, however, had always been good. Almost as if he couldn’t quite do both at the same time.

He got his maths degree from Warwick last year.

Friends whose children were quick at talking, they have done equally well, most of them.

Feel free to tell us about your little ones achievements here, we wont see it as boasting . My big one has a enormous vocabulary but I have never managed to get her to read a book despite both of us being avid readers . My little one was a elective mute till 4 and now will not shut up at 8 but is a voracious reader . Both my children are like me we all have strengths and weaknesses but I'm very proud of them both .

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I dont this those replies are unacceptable at all.

You said your son had some speech therapy which makes it sound done-and-dusted, like 'he needed a bit of help, he got it, where are yours at?'

Obviously not ideal for you but unless you stated you were struggling with it etc I cant think why they would see it as needing a gushy sympathetic reply.

I'm really not trying to pick at you, just saying maybe the way you worded it sounded like it wasnt really a big deal for you. I probably wouldve asked how he was now, though, and whether the speech therapy had worked.

YANBU. Was told nct best thing since sliced bread by a uni friend who is a bit Oxfordshire yummy mummy to be fair. Paid and went and just made me feel like shit, brought up all the stuff from school days...ie just not fitting in with the in crowd. DD had colic and reflux and screamed relentlessly. I had pnd, they were worse than unsupportive. They made me feel worse.

Best was when the 3 in the central clique met for coffee one time without inviting me, I stumbled across them in a local cafe and stayed way longer than I needed to making banal small talk just to intensify their discomfort. Childish I know. Then went home and cried, wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

My nct group was good during the early months, breastfeeding support and so on, and I carried on joining them off and on for two years. There was a competitive element to be sure but everyone had lovely manners and was tactful - esp to one fairly obviously future SEN child.
But then the which-school? chat started in earnest and I realised virtually no-one else was even looking at our great local primaries - just a mind-blowing selection of London preps.
It was as though the state sector did not exist.
At this point I realised the honeymoon was over and I bowed out.

I thought it would have got better after the original 'how many times a night do they wake up' chat. One slept through from birth apparently! But was also dropping percentiles so not sure how well advised the sleeping through actually was!

Oh god and then it was the whole weaning shit!!

If you're the least competitive person you know, I'd hate to meet your friends

Stating fact doesn’t mean you are competitive.

It’s entirely possible for someone to have a child who is further ahead in development and for them not to be competitive. The only milestone DD hit early (or at all really) was speech. It was a fact (and obvious) she was advanced compared to her peers. I wasn’t in the least competitive about it.

At this point I realised the honeymoon was over and I bowed out.

I believe I'm at that stage of bowing out now.

I think it's fairly common. My friend (one of my best friends) had a baby 3 days apart from mine so I used to message her a lot. When I had trouble sleeping, she used to tell me how hers had slept all the way through the night, when I had trouble weaning, she'd send me pics of her kid gobbling it up etc etc. Isnt this fairly usual?

It’s entirely possible for someone to have a child who is further ahead in development and for them not to be competitive. The only milestone DD hit early (or at all really) was speech. It was a fact (and obvious) she was advanced compared to her peers. I wasn’t in the least competitive about it.

My issue was with how 'facts were stated' in an insensitive manner.