Opening up to nct friends only to be met with bragging

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I opened up slightly to a couple of nct mates last night about my son that had some speech therapy and will be starting again after a break because of covid.

One mate responded saying her daughter has made some good progress recently despite not saying much in March - fine but didn't ask anything about my son. Pretty self-centred reply but I can get out it.

The second mate responded saying how her daughter has the speaking skills of a 3-4 year old blah blah blah....

Just fuck off! This is why I don't really open up about stuff, it seems to open the door for disappointment.

I did NCT with DS1 15 years ago and still stay in touch with several. They've become genuine friends. I went again with DS2 and it was utter shite - the hoorays and the asshats all clamouring to show off their car or their DC's reading Mandarin aged 8 months. It's it and miss - look for another group rather than totally writing off all parent-friends.

The ones from 15 years ago now compete over who has the most grumpy teen - those are the NCT parents you want.

I’m only in touch with one of my group now but this continued all through their childhood and still continues with this person .... the kids are at uni and she loves to drop “Russell group” into most convos.

It's it and miss - look for another group rather than totally writing off all parent-friends.

Gosh no I don't write off all parent friends. Because like you say it's hit and miss

Some of the examples on this thread are terrible and really insensitive @PuntoEBasta is on the money with the temporary shared experience insta-bonding comment.

I’m having to cast my mind back as my children are adult now or pretty close to it. I do remember that I swerved baby groups after one or two experiences of competitive parenting which was something I really didn’t want any part in. I went to one after my 3rd child was born (not sure why really!) and I said something far too honest about some sleep problem my child had and a woman with a precious firstborn started explaining how her baby had slept through the night from day one blah blah blah. By that stage I knew that parents have little influence over these things having had one great sleeper and one average sleeper and at that point a completely nocturnal baby so I just said “you do know that it’s nothing to do with your parenting abilities don’t you? Come back to me when you’re had more than one child and tell me you’ve got the blueprint then”. She didn’t like that but I could see other new mums exhale and I remember it triggered a conversation about all the parental fuck ups and genuine shared tips etc. I’m still friends with most of them now including perfect sleep parent who now has teenagers she can’t get out of bed at all (and she’s lovely btw)!

I wish I could say competitive parenting is confined to the NCT/baby groups but there are instances of it in lots of gatherings where people with zero in common apart from having given birth at the same time are thrown together.

School is the same in the early years (not everyone but there are always one or two insecure parents who are compelled to do this). Then it gets diluted as the picture gets more complicated; the superstar baby who babbled before every other child turns out to have problems with his reading, the first to walk decides he hates sport, the baby girl who said nothing after all the others were saying words gets some amazing scholarship, the child in reception who stares out of the window and can’t focus gets an ADD diagnosis and then excels etc etc. Once they’re at secondary school no one can remember any of the baby, toddler or Reception triumphs and anyone with any sense will have worked out long long ago that children hitting milestones ahead of schedule is no reflection on their parenting ability.

BTW OP (showy offy parenting coming right up ) my extremely late talker son; the child that everyone head tilted sympathetically when asking about his progress, is now at Oxford and doing just fine despite his early years being a bumpy ride. And my daughter who was one of those super-babies is a complete Loveable layabout now!

you must be very proud

Genius response, I'll going to steal that.

Absolutely don't let them make you doubt yourself for a second and just remember that people only act competitively when they think they have something to prove.

No excuse but easier to think kindly of them when you realise however they might appear, they are struggling about something.

I disagree with OP. She made a statement. They all know that the speech therapist won't be working again until covid rules specify.

What's to say. No real response needed.

YANBU and I hate when people do this. My sister does it all the time. We had babies close together and I'll ask about DC and she won't ask about mine. We have a family what's app group and her and my BIL completely ignore anything of my
DC but will reply to other people. When I mentioned it to DM she just says 'I'm sure they haven't seen them' . Find it hard to believe when they've scrolled past my DC video to reply to someone else. I've put it down to jealousy.

Just say if you feel the responses to your text are unhelpful and making you feel unhappy. When it’s your first baby, you worry a lot more and what might seem like competitive crowing could be that persons way of making themselves feel better and that they’re doing ok. They might not realise that you find their responses upsetting.

As an older mum, I was happy to ask for help if I needed it. I can’t stand people who hint and then get grumpy and blame others when no-one picks up the hint.

If you’re not finding support, then it’s the individuals not the group that’s the problem. Thousands of women attend NCT classes every year so it’s childish to label the organisation as being at fault. Plenty of people make great friends at Uni and stay in touch whilst others don’t bother. It’s got nothing to do with which Uni they attend.

My NCT group were a nice bunch. The 5 of us who were parents of boys all stayed In touch despite moving away and we’re still in touch via WhatsApp even though the boys are now early teens. There was no competitive behaviour in the group. If anything, everyone was really supportive. I remember one day suffering a bad migraine and having projectile vomiting. I rang one of my NCT buddies in desperation to ask if she would look after my toddler DS for an hour just so I could take some medication and lie down. I had no family support as both my parents were dead. She drove over immediately and took DS for the rest of the day until DH came home. She was also pregnant with baby no.2 at the time. There were lots of other incidences of us helping each other out too.

When things get back to some kind of normal, maybe try a few baby & toddler groups?

I had similar with my baby groups (not NCT).

Eventually DH said ; 'Look just because all these women had sex with their partners at roughly the same time as WE had sex does not mean we have anything else in common'.

He was right.

DS1 was eventually diagnosed with ASD. (And, more recently Tourettes bless him). I finally dumped my baby group when the Queen Bee of the group (there is always one) said with her head tilted; 'Isn't he talking yet? Would it help if you talked to him'. Because yes of course that was what was missing.... me talking to him

Anyway- his tourettes is currently manifesting in verbal tics, so the talking came eventually .

Some people are depserately competitive. (Or maybe just super proud to be generous). Ignore it. You are doing the exact right thing by pursuing speech therapy and I bet you would not swap your gorgeous boy for any other.

What's to say.

They certainly found a lot to say

Thousands of women attend NCT classes every year so it’s childish to label the organisation as being at fault.

I'm not blaming nct at all, didn't mean to sound like I was

You are doing the exact right thing by pursuing speech therapy and I bet you would not swap your gorgeous boy for any other.

Thank you x Glad your one is doing well!

Thanks. :) {thanks]. My boy is utterly gorgeous. :) My very soul.

I think a lot of new parents just don't realise that they are bragging. They just like to talk about their children
Having said that I think the first person was probably trying to be reassuring by telling you her child was a late starter.

It's such a strange and sleep deprived time. Can turn people quite strange temporarily...
I cringe when I think of some of the things I said and how it might have sounded. It wasn't meant in that way, I was just a bit full of my baby at the time. I also has some things said to me which were really unhelpful. I think at that point in time you just dont have the emotional resilience to bat it off.
Back off for a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks?

I’d give them a self centred pass today. We’re in lockdown it’s boring as hell and our once interesting lives are now entering 11(12?!?) weeks of groundhog lockdown. If they are still dicks post lockdown ditch them!!

On the subject of NCT I couldn’t have been without my group at the start but a few years on I’ve basically realised they are essentially like work colleagues only instead of having work in common it’s your children. Like all workplaces some are crap, some are brilliant, some become your best friends and others are alright but you don’t have much in common so you play nice when you have to.

Once you reframe them as “colleagues” rather than “Friends” the group dynamic is much easier to deal with and you tend not to take things personally.

You can brag about your child without competing. Inormally avoid thd braggers as after a few months the constant baby talk is highly tedious anyway.

typos...agggrrr

I found my NCT group really supportive for a couple of months, then very annoying and competitive. They were BF fascists. I BF and it was fine, but didn't expect a medal or want to criticize anyone who wasn't actively spraying milk in all directions. I remember confiding that I was really down and wondered if I had PND. They all fell silent, one said "oh gosh" in horror and moved away from me. It made me laugh, so I decided I probably wasn't and might just benefit from giving them a little more distance. Months later at a 1st birthday, one of the grandparents set about lecturing me on why, as I'd gone back to work, my poor baby was confused and her daughter was a SAHM. DH hated the lot of them.
Find new friends.

Find new friends.

Where?!

I think a lot of new parents just don't realise that they are bragging. They just like to talk about their children.
Yes, and if the topic is speech, that’s what they will speak about.

Having said that I think the first person was probably trying to be reassuring by telling you her child was a late starter.

I agree. When our mindset is negative about something, we will hear a negative in a response no matter how it is phrased.

The problem appears to be that nobody asked about OP’s son’s issues or how he was doing.

I used to get annoyed when DD’s issues became everyone’s focus. I saw loads of parents backing off or shutting up, saying nothing or asking really inappropriate questions about her. I wanted to know how they were all getting on. Their kids were streaking ahead in things DD was nowhere near attempting, and rather than be upset that DD wasn’t, I liked hearing their good news stories. If I got upset every time I heard of a child following or exceeding milestones, I’d have been really down. The first few times were hard but I had to get over it and find a different way to think about it. That’s what worked for me.

And sorry OP, you won’t find the school mums much different!

YANBU

My adult daughter has severe learning disability and autism. I couldn't open up with her to many. I had some pretty selfish experiences from people with children with children without her disability. EG one said we all have things to live with - her son had to wear glasses and so couldn't do the job she wanted him to grow up to do following his father's footsteps... that was meant seriously as well... comparing wearing glasses to having a child that needed 24 hour care.

However, I do love to hear how well other people's children are doing. It's a balance though. I blocked a friend who insisted that my daughter could be 'cured' of her learning disability and autism if I used a particular behaviour therapy. Another who said it was caused by my allowing her to have the MMR vaccination - seriously why are people so nasty?

I try not to let things get to me now (it's harder some times than others) and distanced myself from people who just cannot help themselves. It's less painful then.

Surround yourself with people that are nice, ones that understand and can have a 2 way conversation.....

Good luck and best wishes.

Laugh at it OP; they’re up their own ego stroking bottoms. If it comforts you, my DD was shoved in front of loads of specialists who were convinced she was dispraxic or dyslexic ....she’s now a trainee doctor. My youngest didn’t speak til 2 as he had glue ear (undetected) and he didn’t walk til 2 either....he’s now a successful microbiologist.

GreenTeaMug DD has Tourette’s too. Sending best wishes to you- it’s not easy at times, is it?!
(Sorry- completely off the topic but wanted to say hi!).

Thanks EuphieKat and Hi!

How old is your DD? Mine is 10. He was diagnosed just before lockdown so we have not really accessed anything in terms of support yet.