Opening up to nct friends only to be met with bragging

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I opened up slightly to a couple of nct mates last night about my son that had some speech therapy and will be starting again after a break because of covid.

One mate responded saying her daughter has made some good progress recently despite not saying much in March - fine but didn't ask anything about my son. Pretty self-centred reply but I can get out it.

The second mate responded saying how her daughter has the speaking skills of a 3-4 year old blah blah blah....

Just fuck off! This is why I don't really open up about stuff, it seems to open the door for disappointment.

I replied 'you must be very proud'. Left it there. She's been texting inane shit ever since, perhaps to see if I'm still going to respond.. I don't know.

Then this morning she sent a message saying, 'Here’s an example of how XXX can speak off her own back: "blah blah blah blah"

(I've taken out the details because everything I'm saying is outing enough!)

Completely unprompted! I literally don't get how she hasn't understood that it's grossly insensitive!!

The other nct person hasn't responded either. She probably finds it crass too.

I went to a one nct 'meet up' I literally sat there thinking 'oh my god when we will this end'
Hours of bragging, braying, use of the word 'hubby' and literally no ability to see anything in the world apart from their own baby.

As I left, someone grabbed my arm and whispered 'fancy a coffee' That was 19 years ago, that women is still one of my closest friends, thank god both of us endured those 3 tortuous hours

Op, ignore them, easier said than done but I honestly think childbirth brings out the worst in some.
We should be supporting one another, not bringing others down!!

Yes the first one's response was ok but she had massive form for only ever talking about herself or her daughter so I didn't expect any different. Certainly wasn't as annoying as the second response.

You’re unfortunately not alone. The competitive parenting is bloody awful... have many similar tales (not just within NCT) of opening up about for example my mental health and lack of confidence as a parent and being met with “I always feel pretty confident as a parent, I think I’m a good mum”. Thanks, helpful. Or when my daughter was only sleeping 45 minutes a time at 9 months old “Oh, Siesta slept through from 5 weeks”. Or when my daughter was struggling with weaning due to her reflux and food aversion, I was worried whether she was eating enough and asked for advice “Jemima eats a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a banana and a yoghurt, a snack of gingerbread, quinoa and olives for lunch, a simple paella for dinner....”. It’s grim.

Why people can’t just say, “Fuck, I’m sorry to hear that, it must be really worrying” or “It sounds really similar to my niece. I know my sister worried for a long time about whether it would improve and if it would dent her confidence, but she’s doing great now”.

Fuck ‘em! They sound like dicks.

Sound like a lot of NCT people haven't changed much since I join and left in quick succession 40 years ago.

They’re not friends. Start seeing them as acquaintances

Some parents think that their luck is down to some kind of fabulous parenting. My cousin was one, didn't get all the fuss about baby not sleeping or being difficult or whatever, just did a routine at 6 weeks and PFB slept nicely. Easiest baby and kid ever. Then she had her second who was the complete opposite and woke up 6 times a night screaming at the top of her voice till she was 2! No routine or parenting made/makes any difference to any behaviour, it's just a lovely kid who has to grow out of things at her own pace.

I know this scenario is different, but my friend is the same.

I was made redundant in January. Naturally, I was devastated. A close friend would not stop going on about how good her new job was, and how much more she was getting paid, and how they were talking about promoting her within 5 minutes of her first day. I just didn't need to hear it at that time.

NCT is awful, as others have said.
I think the comment about nothing in March and now 3 months later has made progress was maybe a crap way of offering reassurance, like don't worry we had the same until just now? The other one is a bitch, sounds a lot like my kids class whatsapp sometimes.

Often at NCT you superficially insta-bond because you are going through an intense shared experience. It’s a bit like freshers’ week in that sense. Once the newborn fog lifts you are very likely to find that you don’t have anything else in common with many of those people and you need to make a decision about which, if any, you will develop true friendships with.

Time to decide if you actually like this person and get anything out of your relationship.

Competitive parenting is a thing and some people don't listen or don't really care about anyone else. Pretty self centred. How old is your son? Boys do tend to be later at speaking than girls from my experience.

I joined an NCT group when we moved areas just to make new friends. I did not keep up with any of them once I returned to work as all you have in common is that your children are similar ages. Some people just like bragging about how brilliant their kids are. I think we all feel like that but pushing it down other peoples throats is insensitive.

I think exchanges like this are due to a combination of @wherethetamethingsare and what a pp said about experiences outside of one's personal scope.

Ie that these people aren't your friends, you don't have a long shared history, you haven't been through the ups and downs of life together and they aren't as invested in you as people who have. So when they hear something the only way they can relate to it is to think of their own experience, because they don't really know you and don't have anything to say that's properly about you.

You see it on thread after thread here, where an op has a problem and you just get 20 pages of people talking about how something similar has been for them. Because they don't know each other.

Sometimes the anecdotal information can be vaguely useful - I'd class the first response as that, in that it sounds a little hopeful - but that's usually accidental. Most of the time you aren't going to get proper advice/information that has you at the centre; you're just going to get a reflection of yourself dimly contained in a statement that is all about the other person.

Often at NCT you superficially insta-bond because you are going through an intense shared experience. It’s a bit like freshers’ week in that sense. Once the newborn fog lifts you are very likely to find that you don’t have anything else in common with many of those people and you need to make a decision about which, if any, you will develop true friendships with.
**
Time to decide if you actually like this person and get anything out of your relationship.*

I think this a lot. There are two others from the same nct course and we get on much better, one is even a friendship.

I keep meaning to just stop replying to these annoying ones, but for some reason I get sucked back in. Perhaps for nostalgic feelings about my 2 and a quarter old's newborn days.

I won't even get started on the fact that I'm struggling with trying for a second and they've had theirs and shoehorn that into every single conversations. Despite knowing I'm struggling. Nice.

Typing all this does strengthen my resolve to ditch asap!

I'd text back:

Thanks for the update. I am disappointed though, that sharing my information seems to have opened up a game of competitive parenting top trumps. I'd hoped for some sympathy and support instead. This isn't working for me so I am going to step away. Best of luck to you both for the future.

Then remove yourself from the chat. If necessary delete and block.

I’m not sure competitive parenting is exclusive to NCT to be fair! Toddler groups and postnatal groups led by the HV were also rife with it in my area.

Completely agree with the superficial bond, one of my NCT group is my best friend 12 years on, but I haven’t seen the rest for 9-10 years! My sister’s group is just starting to fall apart after 4 years due to primary school allocations... sometimes friendships have a shelf life or a point at which the advantage to you is outweighed by the disadvantage.

Have you got other people you can turn to for support/reassurance about your son?

I had the exact same thing and I only have two mum friends because I felt that many others was just a big fucked up competition. But am very happy they are very genuine and great to open up to.

We live in a fairly wannabe middle class area, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it but it got ridiculous in the end. Literally everything was a direct comparison to their dc, usually a dig that theirs was "better".

Extremely bizarre, I've never experienced anything like it before having dc!!

I remember mentioning that dc had a nappy blow out on the way and it was everywhere. To be met with "my dc has never had a blow out. I always make sure the nappy size is correct" dead serious face.

Another great one "I'm so sick of lazy parents banging on about their kids poor sleep habits. Just put the effort in and get them in a routine and they will sleep." Said by a first time mum of a 3 month old after a mum of a toddler was struggling with sleep deprivation.

I think there's a lot of people who are v anxious about the development of their own child and by 'bragging' they are reassuring themself that their child is ok in that area. yes totally self-centred and insensitive. but when the 'friends' are only people who happened to have a baby at the same time as you rather than being friends beforehand who care about you as a person I guess that's what you get.

A couple of our NCT friends were pretty competitive in the early days, but they soon chilled out and we are still all good friends 4 years later. I guess you have to decide whether these people are worth having in your 'support village' or not.

NCT getting a hard time here - almost if all of my friends did NCT, including me, and the are all lovely and supportive so I don't think the stereotype is correct.

OP - sounds like the first was not bragging but the second is so misguided, big eye roll and move on.

My children both needed speech therapy and my eldest is now fine. My youngest is more affected and is not making good progress but we, and you, are doing what we can to help them and it isn't easy doing it on a video call with the therapist or having to wait longer to see them.

I'd text back:

Thanks for the update. I am disappointed though, that sharing my information seems to have opened up a game of competitive parenting top trumps. I'd hoped for some sympathy and support instead. This isn't working for me so I am going to step away. Best of luck to you both for the future.

Then remove yourself from the chat. If necessary delete and block.

I'm just too passive!

Yes to the PP regarding reassurance and support for my son. All my brothers were late speakers and my son is actually making great progress so I'm not as sensitive as I was 3 months ago. Then, I would have been very upset! Now I'm more 'what the fuck is wrong with these people'

God, imagine if they're reading this!!!

I wouldn’t bother with them anymore, anytime who thinks that a brag is an appropriate response must be a twat. I’d either ignore it just reply ‘good for you’ and leave it as that.
They’ll be ramming it down your throat how good little Johnny is for the rest of your life if you don’t.

I'm just too passive!

Only if you allow yourself to be. Send it, leave the chat and block them. What's to lose? They aren't friends. They don't care about you. They make you miserable. Sounds like a good result for you - because not only do you walk away, but you get a chance to call out their shitty behaviour. There is even a small chance it might make them stop and think and not do the same to some other Mum who's struggling.

I think most people 'learn' not to brag and be idiots... at this stage people are too new to the whole thing and kind of forget themselves?

By the school gate stage IME most people have stopped bragging, at least not quite so brazenly...

@Alwaysonarecce. You heathen eh?.