Opening up to nct friends only to be met with bragging

[greycover]

I opened up slightly to a couple of nct mates last night about my son that had some speech therapy and will be starting again after a break because of covid.

One mate responded saying her daughter has made some good progress recently despite not saying much in March - fine but didn't ask anything about my son. Pretty self-centred reply but I can get out it.

The second mate responded saying how her daughter has the speaking skills of a 3-4 year old blah blah blah....

Just fuck off! This is why I don't really open up about stuff, it seems to open the door for disappointment.

I never had NCT classes, but our area used to have a diy music group - we each took it in turns to host house wrecked and do songs, and we had a box of tapes and bangy instruments. It was great, once you get over the wreckage Mostly they were people who had moved into the area and living in rented.

That is very insensitive. I disagree that it's typical NCT though. My lot were lovely and we're in touch after 20 years. Your 'friends' sound like arseholes.

I don't have children and not in NCT, but I got two things from your post immediately.

1. Are the NCT people quite posh? I've noticed a thing about posh people that they want to always portray a positive image of themselves and don't open up about problems very easily.

2. Some people of all backgrounds are very 'all about me'. I have a good friend like this. If I mention a problem, he'll turn it around to something about himself so I don't get a chance to talk about my thing. This is human nature I suppose - people have their own things they're interested in talking about. I've though about paying a counsellor just so I can get someone to listen to me.

For the best. You don’t seem to like either.
And arguing vehemently against any poster who raises the possibility that they aren’t all that negative in this situation. So you don’t think you’re being unreasonable either.

@Juliet2014 I haven't done anything vehemently! Ha.

You're right, I don't like either now. What more do you want me to say?

Are people really struggling to see the difference between a general chat about how the kids are getting on - both good and bad - and outright boasting about how their child is so much better than yours?

If I said something like:
Guys you know I've been worried about Jenny's speech as she's not really talking? Well we got the assessment results and she does need some SALT help. Hoping that will bring her on.

And it was met with:
Gulliver's speech is so advanced that not only is he holding entire conversations, but he's also started learning French!

Then, yeah, I'd be disappointed and upset that my friends were being so bloody tone deaf.

This is spot on!

It never ends op, I am the mother of a fairly challenging 13 year-old dd, who is very hormonal. I opened up to my group of mum friends..(we are all parents of kids who were in the same year as primary school), telling them, she was angry, not wanting to go to school, hanging around with a bad crowd etc. I was tearful as hate talking about my problems. Anyway one of the mums immediately piped up "See, I've never had any problems like that with my girls, they've always been so sensible and well behaved, I'm really lucky". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Avoid her like the plague these days. She's always been a competitive mum but that was the last straw.

* Then, yeah, I'd be disappointed and upset that my friends were being so bloody tone deaf.*

Me too. Really upset.
Read the OP’s posts about these women - she seems to dislike them rather than them being friends so baffling she would decide to open up to them! It would seem they had “massive form” for talking about themselves and their children and they “shoehorn” their second baby in to conversations knowing the OP is trying.

I was lucky that my nct lot were the opposite of this. I've found the same with school parent friends too.

Ds was incredibly late to speak and I remember a "friend" who knew how much I was worrying about it all saying in front of others with a little giggle that that her 1 year old ds "sounds just like Carlyds". My ds was 4 at the time. She followed it up with "don't worry, it's not your fault."

I dropped her like a stone.

I was lucky that my nct lot were the opposite of this. I've found the same with school parent friends too.

Ds was incredibly late to speak and I remember a "friend" who knew how much I was worrying about it all saying in front of others with a little giggle that that her 1 year old ds "sounds just like Carlyds". My ds was 4 at the time. She followed it up with "don't worry, it's not your fault."

I dropped her like a stone.

Dropping her was very wise.

It's best to just ignore isn't it.

@Juliet2014 I've said you're right, I don't know why you keep going.

A good friend of mine compared nct to starting uni. You are so desperate for friends that you make friends with everyone in year 1 and spend years 2 and 3 shaking off the ones that you shouldn't have been friends with in the first place!
Fwiw dd3 had severe speech problems including a stammer. By the end of reception with a lot of input from private speech therapy most was sorted.

@greycover I'm really sad to hear you are going through this - parenting is bloody hard enough as it is and we should all be supporting each other.

Reading this just makes me realise how incredibly lucky I was with the NCT group I have - 13 years on and 4 of us are still as close and our kids have 3 extra 'aunties' each. They are 3 of my closest friends and we have never had any competitive parenting - we've all been through rough and difficult times with our babies/children doing things differently/being diagnosed with life changing illness - all we have ever done is support and champion each other.

I just hope this response doesn't come across as competitive NCT-ing - it's certainly not meant to be.

Glad to hear your DD is all good now ajp! X

No Jamie doesn't sound competitive at all! I hope the nice two and I continue to be friends because it's so nice having people that were there during the whole pregnancy and birth etc.

@MotheringShites - it is judgy and a generalisation. I’m still in touch wit some of mine 25 years later. They’re just people. I think this is a class thing because it’s middle class.

It's horrible that you didn't get the support you needed OP but not all Nct groups are bad!
Ours seems to be more competitive about the biggest mum fail or biggest nappy explosion!

Also it can be hard when your baby does stuff before the others. Mine did a lot first (he was the oldest) and every time I felt like I had to downplay it or not mention for worry it sounded like bragging.

I am sorry OP, my sister is like you NCT 'friends' so sadly it is pretty much impossible for me to drop her entirely. If I was tearfully having problems with a boyfriend, that would be her cue to rave on about how lucky she was her boyfriend adored her and treated her so well. Really helpful and supportive, thanks sis. So it is not just NCT competitive parenting, some people are just like that. At least you can back away from this toxic pair.

OP from personal experience people do such insensitive things, because they lack confidence in themselves and feel better by showing off. It's a projection of their own issues. I hope you find your crowd, you deserve better.

It's more the way it's said and when, like life in general. Apply tact and it's normally fine.

I'm not saying they can't say anything at all, just would have been nice if they'd been a bit more supportive and more tactful

Maybe when he starts school I will meet more mums. He only does nursery once a week (none at the moment!) so I don't really speak with nursery mums very much at all

Dontiknowit, it is never hard when your child does something early/better than other children. Sometimes you feel a little embarrassed- but it’s in a good way. It’s always nice to brag about your child, even if you do it as a stealth boast.