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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I let him go?

121 replies

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 09:05

18 months ago, my dh had a brief affair with someone at work. It is over now and I forgave him. That person has changed departments so isn’t on dh’s team anymore. I refused to let dh go out on their staff Xmas party last year, as she would be there and I was worried my dh would speak to them. I told him that if he went, I would divorce him.

There is talk about this years Xmas party and dh wants to go, especially because he couldn’t go last year and it sounded like a really good night out (I know Coronavirus might put a stop to it anyway!) I don’t know if the other person is going or not, but AIBU to say dh can’t go if they will be there? They no longer speak (I sometimes check dh’s phone and emails) but dh has been honest and said that one of dh’s team has invited her along. Dh has already said he wouldn't stay overnight like everyone else and has offered not to drink alcohol so he can drive home, but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now.

Please do not judge me on my decision to forgive my dh, that wouldn’t be helpful, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. Thank you.

OP posts:

shinyredbus · 06/06/2020 09:07

I suppose you forgave him and now trust him, and if you trust him then he should be able to go and keep it in his pants - whether or not he does is a different story. I suppose you have to learn to trust him again sometime.... I’m sorry about what you’ve been through.

MeglaFlop · 06/06/2020 09:10

No you are not being unreasonable. If we're not allowed to mention taking him back and consiquential lack of trust issues there's nothing more to say

isitamapletree · 06/06/2020 09:11

I don't think YABU. You have forgiven him so need to trust him but this seems a bit like returning to the scene of the crime. Of course you are going to have feelings around it.

He should respect your feelings and not put you in this position of having to decide whether to 'let' him go. He's only missing out on an annual party, I think that's a small price to pay in his shoes.

Magicrose · 06/06/2020 09:13

I couldn’t live like this so it’s hard to advise - I know you’ve made the decision to stay with him so you really have to just trust him and let him go where he likes. You can’t try to control his movements forever and that wouldn’t stop him cheating again if he wanted to anyway. I do empathise as I’ve been through this myself but I regret forgiving him initially and I was much happier (eventually) when I left him.

user135844794 · 06/06/2020 09:13

You are being controlling and toxic. It's not up to you to grant or deny permission.

Persiaclementine · 06/06/2020 09:14

Yes you let him go, you cant keep him cooped up with you for forever because he might cheat on you again, if that's what you want to do, leave him, it's not healthy

OhioOhioOhio · 06/06/2020 09:16

Yeah. I'd be done with him. Let him do what he wants.

Bananasplitlady · 06/06/2020 09:19

I'm not judging your decision to forgive him, but if you are prepared to forgive, you have to move on. If you still can't trust him, you do not have a healthy relationship and you cannot 'refuse' to let him go anywhere. He can choose not to go if you feel that strongly. If he is going to cheat again, a staff party is not going to be his only opportunity.

ChazP · 06/06/2020 09:24

Personally I would be the same as you. In my 20s I had a couple of flings with married men where I worked. Not proud of myself. What I do know is that we would hook up at work dos even if there had been many months/years with nothing happening.

popsydoodle4444 · 06/06/2020 09:26

Maybe it would be useful for you to talk things through with a marriage counsellor together.I'm pretty sure some are still working by doing zoom sessions.

You might have forgiven him in one sense but not others as trust appears to be an issue.I get the sense you're not over what's happened.Please bare in mind you're husband is an adult and doesn't need permission to go to a party or stay over after said party like his colleagues.In order to heal you need to learn to trust him otherwise there's no point in forgiveness.

LellyMcKelly · 06/06/2020 09:29

You clearly haven’t forgiven him if you are monitoring his phone and choosing whether to ‘let’ him go anywhere. He’s a grown ass man who should be able to make his own decisions. You either trust him or you don’t. If you do there there is no reason to stop him going, if you don’t then what are you doing living with a man you don’t trust?

Ellisandra · 06/06/2020 09:32

I don’t personally believe in forgive and forget - forgive all you like, but don’t forget.

You have to decide why you don’t want him to go.
Surely it’s either:

you don’t trust him (then leave)
you are punishing him, showing that he created consequences

The latter is fine... but it has a time limit. I would say that over a year, is over that time limit.

I would never forget his behaviour - but having made the decision to forgive, I would accept that I couldn’t punish forever.

In the circumstances - that she is there - I don’t think it’s unreasonable to accept his offer of no overnight. However, the drinking? If he’s actually telling you that with alcohol, his dick might fall into her then just dump him.

JustC · 06/06/2020 09:33

Hi. I was in a similar position at some point, but mine was a one time violent episode inflamed by alcohol. Due to our baggage(how we grew up) and knowing without a doubt that he is genuinely a good egg, I decided to give him yhe option of counseling or divorcw. We did counseling, we did save our marriage. He was/is under the forever condition that when I say he has drunk enough, he needs to listen. So I get you imposing some conditions. I do not think it's controling, it's something that gives some peace of mind. At some point you do however have to try and trust, as otherwise you will both become miserable. My situation: initially I put the condition of no alcohol until I feel secure enough. After some time, can:t remember precisely, I felt comfortable with him doing it only with me present to impose some boundary. After more than a year, in which he really respected my boundariesz i felt comfortable with him going for a drink with friends if he keeps in mind he needs to stop at the first sigh of getting more than a happy buzz. It has been about 10years since and while we might at times have other issues, I do not regret for a moment the decision to do counseling and later on giving the marriage another shot. It helps that, to this day, if we are anywhere together socially, and I say you have drunk enough, he will stop or assure me he is ok to have one more and we can go as soon as i thjnk the ne more was not making me cofortable. So my take, if you decide to truly give the marriage a chance, you will have to try and trust he will respect your boundaries. Otherwise I think you will end up jn a controlling, miserable marriage. I would also suggest some counselling, to help you both. Hope this helps and sorry for long post.

Original poster

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 09:49

@Ellisandra no, he’s saying he won’t drink alcohol so that he can drive home afterwards. He doesn’t touch alcohol when he knows he has to drive.

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 06/06/2020 09:51

Personally, I’d divorce him. He cheated once so why wouldn’t he do it again?
Boundaries have already been trashed and life’s too short to be checking up on him all the time.

AvoidingRealHumans · 06/06/2020 09:53

You can't control what another human does, if he wants to go then he should go.
You should have only took him back if you could trust him not to do it again, not letting him on a night out won't stop him cheating again if he wants to.

You don't trust him anymore and no amount of making him miss nights out will change that, once the trust is gone it is gone unfortunately.
So you either carry on your life always wondering what he is up to when out of your sight or you leave the relationship.

Goatinthegarden · 06/06/2020 09:55

The saddest part here is that it’s June and you are feeling stressed by a possible work do in December. It’s no way for you to have to live.

He has destroyed your trust and now you are the one left getting anxious about who he interacts with and when. This is the reason I would never take back a cheating partner, regardless of how much it hurt not to be with them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you tried marriage counselling?

hugefanofcheese · 06/06/2020 09:56

I see what PPs are saying but I feel there is some middle ground between forgiving and moving on entirely and not, which includes still being a bit concerned about the staff party which would feel a bit close for comfort for me too.

Yes, I think you need to decide whether you trust him or not but also I feel he should know that he has been awfully lucky in being forgiven an affair and you can't be the only one keeping things on an even keel. He has to make some concessions to your happiness and if it is just the work Christmas party then this is a small enough price to pay that he should just take it on the chin.

I don't think this is toxic or controlling. He has the option to leave. You can't start moving the goalposts and throwing up further restrictions but I don't think it's hugely unreasonable to expect him to avoid social situations with the affair partner for the foreseeable.

Moondust001 · 06/06/2020 09:57

You forgave him. But not really you didn't. You check up on him and you control his behaviour. I'm not saying that you are wrong to do that, but if you do it then you haven't moved past the issue and haven't really forgiven him. So you either accept and trust him, which means that you stop treating him like you don't trust him; or you accept that you can't move past this and have that conversation with him. Then it is down to both of you to decide whether you can maintain a relationship within which trust has gone. And if you can, how you do that.

dudsville · 06/06/2020 09:58

It doesn't sound like you trust him. That may never return and in the meantime he'll be walking on eggshells. That's not a nice relational dynamic for you both. Sounds like it's over.

Spied · 06/06/2020 09:58

Sounds like he's desperate to go and as most annual Christmas parties revolve around alcohol and merriment I'd be a bit suspicious of why he's so desperate to go and play designated driver.
I'd also wonder why he's talking about this in June and wonder how he already knows a woman who doesn't even work in his department has been invited already
I'm sorry but I think there is more to this that is still going on.

NerrSnerr · 06/06/2020 09:59

It's not a way to live is it OP? Worrying about a Christmas party 6 months in advance.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 06/06/2020 09:59

Can he not see he has put you through enough? The fact that he is putting his feelings above your own here is a red flag.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 06/06/2020 10:00

What NerrSnerr said. 100 times.

Footywife · 06/06/2020 10:01

You don't trust him. The relationship is doomed.

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