Do I let him go?

[fluffymummykins]

18 months ago, my dh had a brief affair with someone at work. It is over now and I forgave him. That person has changed departments so isn’t on dh’s team anymore. I refused to let dh go out on their staff Xmas party last year, as she would be there and I was worried my dh would speak to them. I told him that if he went, I would divorce him.

There is talk about this years Xmas party and dh wants to go, especially because he couldn’t go last year and it sounded like a really good night out (I know Coronavirus might put a stop to it anyway!) I don’t know if the other person is going or not, but AIBU to say dh can’t go if they will be there? They no longer speak (I sometimes check dh’s phone and emails) but dh has been honest and said that one of dh’s team has invited her along. Dh has already said he wouldn't stay overnight like everyone else and has offered not to drink alcohol so he can drive home, but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now.

Please do not judge me on my decision to forgive my dh, that wouldn’t be helpful, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. Thank you.

No you are fine
I was in your shoes
My dh moved job to ensure he didn’t see her again.
I’d of kicked him out if he had

Op draw your line in the sand,and don’t let him step over it .your line would be my line too.
Like fuck should he be desperate to go to a fucking party
He should be desperate to keep his marriage ,and agreeing to your normal suggestions

He misses out on a lot of things and social events for me and has stopped a lot of his friendships with any women because of how I feel.

Wonder what the response would have been if it was a man posting about his wife?

If the only way you can stop him being unfaithful again is to keep him locked up then it really isn’t worth it is it?

He misses out on a lot of things and social events for me and has stopped a lot of his friendships with any women because of how I feel.

Well yes that what’ll happen when you stick your dick in someone else do you feel he’s missed out OP or are these his words?

Please reflect on why, in June, he is so desperate to go to a Xmas do sober. Who is he so desperate to spend time with.

@TARSCOUT To be fair....every firm I've worked for has organised their Christmas party in June. If you want to have it at a big venue, one of those party nights, or a meal for lots of people etc, you do have to book well in advance.

What company is talking about Christmas parties now?? In normal times, ok possibly, but now when they probably won't happen?...

Anyway.

I think given the circumstances he should decide himself not to go knowing it's upsetting to you. It's only one night, so he misses one good party every year because he cheated on you? So what? But if he's not offering to do that, I guess your only decision is do you decide to reconcile yourself with it and trust him and if you can't maybe you can't get past it after all.

Horrible situation for you.

People in Mumsnet always oversimplify these situations as if trust is black and white and if you take someone back after an affair you should automatically trust them again.

He has to go through a period of earning back your trust and I think that it is fair enough that this is one of your red lines. I think whilst he and the OW are still in the same company then no work jollies.

As a PP has said, the work Christmas do's are a hotbed for colleagues getting it on and you'd never know whether they'd taken the opportunity for a snog and a fumble in the loos or whatever. You'd akways be wondering.

If you forgive him you have to trust him to have any sort of life together. If you can't trust him then I think your life (and his) are going to be very difficult. I don't want to be harsh with you, but I think you either have to fully forgive and trust him (therefore he goes) or split up.

Interesting poll answers I wasnt expecting
Haven't read all replies, but imo : he cheated, you get to call the shots. Absolutely not going to works do.
Boo hoo. You're missing "fun" ...shouldn't have stuck your penis elsewhere should you?
Absolutely not being unreasonable, op.
Your H was being unreasonable the day he put his penis in a woman that wasn't you.

If he had a shred of respect for you he wouldn't even suggest going after what he has done to you. If he does go you will spend months leading up to the event worrying, spiralling and fretting about it, and on the night itself you will be climbing the walls. The fact he has even suggested it tells,me that he still doesn't 'get' how traumatised you are by his infidelity. He is being absolutely selfish.

YABU, because there may have been more OW after her & there could be many more OW in the future.

She won't be one in a million.

If you decided to stay with him and make a go of the marriage then you have to take that leap of faith and trust him again. It's what everyone does when they fall in love and is a hard thing to do. Doing it again after a major break in trust in 100 times harder, but something you have to do if this is to work.

However hard it is, let him go with the proviso he doesn't drink and comes home at the end of the party.

It's something that just has to happen, or you might just as well divorce now.

You either forgive and move on or you dont. You have done neither. Your DH is a cheat but you have chosen to stay with him. however your lack of trust is now leading to toxic and controlling behaviour, He isnt allowed to go to xmas nights out or you will divorce him, he cant stay overnight anywhere with work, he cant stay and have a meal. I wont be surprised if he decides enough is enough and leaves you when actually it should be the other way round. sad state of affairs all round

YABVU and controlling. You forgave him, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so, but continuing a relationship with him means you have to trust him.

You do not get to constantly throw the affair back in his face, you do not get to invade his privacy by checking his phone/emails, you do not get to tell him what he can and can’t do and where he can and can’t go.

Your relationship is over. You don’t trust him. It’s extremely unhealthy and your behaviour is out of control and out of order.

I put YABU because you forgave him. It was 18 months ago. You can’t keep punishing him forever.

People seem to be forgetting that trust can be broken in an instant but it can take a LONG time to earn it back, and whether or not the betrayed spouse is actually able to regain that trust over time is ENTIRELY dependent upon the subsequent actions of the unfaithful spouse and whether they seem to be genuinely remorseful and committed to their marriage. In the early days of this journey back from infidelity the OP no doubt hoped that her DH would indeed display exactly that by putting her first and doing everything in his power to prove he had learned from his appalling past actions and that he understood how much pain he had caused her. By suggesting going to a party where OW will be (and by still working at the same company imo) he is showing the OP the opposite, and he is not putting her first. She wouldn't have known at the beginning of this process how her DH would behave going forward, she could only hope that he 'got it' - she has given him a chance, and if she chooses to change her mind at a later stage she has every right to. It doesn't mean she was wrong to give her marriage another chance, but her DH is letting her down by doing this. Forgiveness and trust are NOT the same thing AT ALL. Her DH should be thanking his lucky stars she gave him a chance in the first place, nit doing more things to cause her pain. Some of the comments on this thread are lacking so much insight, it's depressing.

People seem to be forgetting that trust can be broken in an instant but it can take a LONG time to earn it back, and whether or not the betrayed spouse is actually able to regain that trust over time is ENTIRELY dependent upon the subsequent actions of the unfaithful spouse and whether they seem to be genuinely remorseful and committed to their marriage.

Magicpaintbrush I agree. However:

She does not get to constantly throw the affair back in his face, she does not get to invade his privacy by checking his phone/emails, she does not get to tell him what he can and can’t do and where he can and can’t go.

That is controlling and unhealthy behaviour bordering on abusive and should never be tolerated.

Honestly I think if this is worrying you this much and it’s six months off I think trust has been irreparably damaged.

This is why I don’t really believe it’s possible to move past affairs. However much the cheat tries to toe the line, the wronged partner will never really trust again.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable per se to ask him not to go but I also don’t see how the two of you can managed long term when you are policing his social interactions like this.

Personally I would call time on the whole thing: it’s no way to live.

Heartsonacake Transparency is a very key component of infidelity recovery. If access to phone and emails helps her feel more secure and trust her husband again and he is willing to provide that there is no problem. No way would I agree to stay with a cheating partner if I didn’t have full access to his phone whenever I wanted. It’s not abusive, it’s part of being able to trust again. Betraying your partner when you promised not to is abusive.

It's not abusive (ffs) - a lot of betrayed spouses end up with PTSD following discovery of infidelity. Some end up feeling suicidal. When trust is broken it can take years to regain it, and it takes hard work from both parties. If a betrayed spouse feels compelled to check up during the early days (and 18 months is still early days imo) it's not because they are trying control their partner or because they are hoping to find evidence of betrayal, it's because they are hoping NOT to, to reassure themselves that they did the right thing in giving their partner another chance, and gradually over time this sort of compulsive behaviour will probably gradually lessen and stop, as will the trauma, and trust will grow. What doesn't help this process one bit is when an unfaithful spouse suggests going to a social event where their affair partner will be present, that is so disrespectful to their spouse it's off the scale. This is not the OP being controlling, it's her processing the fact that her DH is putting a stupid poxy party as more important than the fact that she would be deeply hurt by him being in the company of OW at a social event, massively rubbing her nose in it. This party situation might be different if OW was not going to be there, but she is - on what planet would any betrayed spouse be okay with that? It's disrepectful and humiliating and drags up all the trauma she has spent 18 months trying to get past.

I think you're both being unreasonable. Him for really wanting to go when she will be there. And you for not letting him go to dinner after conferences, not trusting him an inch etc. That's no way for either of you to live. Although I can see where you're coming from, I don't think its 'forgiveness' if it comes with loads of conditions including not talking to any females or having a social life.

You believed he was the cheating type before he had the affair. You made him drop all his friendships except his male best friend, by your own admission, to reduce the chance of him cheating, prior to him actually cheating in the one place you couldn't police.

If you think so low of him, why are you with him?

Betrayed spouses can be traumatised obviously, but they don't have PTSD in any diagnostic sense of the term FGS.

What you are essentially saying is that if you block his access to her, and any other potential 'threat' you will stop him cheating. Surely you want the 'not cheating' to come from him?