Do I let him go?

[fluffymummykins]

18 months ago, my dh had a brief affair with someone at work. It is over now and I forgave him. That person has changed departments so isn’t on dh’s team anymore. I refused to let dh go out on their staff Xmas party last year, as she would be there and I was worried my dh would speak to them. I told him that if he went, I would divorce him.

There is talk about this years Xmas party and dh wants to go, especially because he couldn’t go last year and it sounded like a really good night out (I know Coronavirus might put a stop to it anyway!) I don’t know if the other person is going or not, but AIBU to say dh can’t go if they will be there? They no longer speak (I sometimes check dh’s phone and emails) but dh has been honest and said that one of dh’s team has invited her along. Dh has already said he wouldn't stay overnight like everyone else and has offered not to drink alcohol so he can drive home, but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now.

Please do not judge me on my decision to forgive my dh, that wouldn’t be helpful, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. Thank you.

He wouldn't be going and he's got himself to blame for that!
If he hadn't done what he had he'd be going but he's lucky he's not going as a single man.

"Betrayed spouses can be traumatised obviously, but they don't have PTSD in any diagnostic sense of the term FGS." - you're basing that assumption on what exactly? That infidelity isn't traumatising enough to bring on PTSD for anybody out there? The Therapists at Affair Recovery would disagree with you:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=affair+recovery+-+unfaithful+spouse+deali+with+traumatised+betrayed+spouse&&view=detail&mid=B50ACD6AB4C6FC3F6966B50ACD6AB4C6FC3F6966&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Daffair%2520recovery%2520-%2520unfaithful%2520spouse%2520deali%2520with%2520traumatised%2520betrayed%2520spouse%26qs%3Dn%26form%3DQBVRMH%26sp%3D-1%26pq%3Daffair%2520recovery%2520-%2520unfaithful%2520spouse%2520deali%2520with%2520traumatise%26sc%3D0-57%26sk%3D%26cvid%3D7BA73285B8124ACF87B3242F614F7C41

YABU - you forgave him and are still expecting him to jump through hoops with controlling demands. Either forgive him or don't and leave.

I was cheated on several times during my first marriage so I do understand how you feel, but I am quite uncomfortable with what you have said. He has had to give up friendships with women who have nothing to do with his affair, he isn't allowed out to meals or parties. He barely goes out now unless preapproved. You monitor all of his communication. That is pretty controlling, however understandable.

You cannot remove every woman in the world to stop him cheating. That has to come from him. He is going to have female colleagues he could cheat with in almost any job.

If this carries on then eventually he will get fed up with it, I know I would. Of course he has to earn back your trust, but how can he do this when you don't give him any opportunity to do so? It must also be very wearing on you as well, having to constantly worry about it whenever anything comes up.

Ask yourself whether you think there will come a point when you may feel comfortable with him doing any of these things? If the answer is no then I can't see this lasting anyway.

BarbedBloom is right. You've got to a point where saving your marriage seems to be predicated on you ruthlessly policing his social life and vetting all interactions.

This is his fault and your reaction to it is understandable, but that doesn't change the fact that this isn't a sustainable position. Do you expect him to check any social interaction with every woman in perpetuity?

It just doesn't sound like the basis for a happy, trusting partnership and I would suggest you might be happier without the constant worry that your partner is going to cheat every time he steps out of the house.

You forgave him so YABU. If you do not trust him then divorce him.

You are not being unreasonable. He shouldn't even be bringing it up.

Remaining with someone after they had cheated on me is beyond my sphere of understanding. I would find it impossible to do but you have so are now living with the consequences, that you have forgiven him but forgetting is proving more difficult.

The fact is, that unless he stops working and is with you 24/7, he will have plenty of opportunities to cheat. He doesn't need to wait for six months until the office party. The not cheating has to come from him, not from you. If you have come to the point in your relationship where you feel you need to forbid or allow him to do things, it doesn't sound great. He's an adult, not your child.

Good luck.

Nah. After what he’s put you through, he can stay away from the OW. If he doesn’t like that, I’d tell him to sling his hook. He expects to have an affair for free?

He needs to get a new job

I also think he should find a new job. You need to trust him generally around others but he shouldn’t want to put you through him being around the OW. My dh left his job as soon as he possibly could after I found out he’d cheated with a colleague - it was part of the process of showing he put me first.

It’s bloody hard process forgiving though isn’t it - good luck and a unmumsnetty hug

OP, he shouldn't want to be anywhere near the OW. He should have changed jobs but if that wasn't an option he should avoid all social situations where he might meet her. This isn't because it's a given anything would happen but as a mark of respect to you. I can't imagine anyone, male or female being comfortable with their partner doing this. However, he shouldn't be putting you in the position where you have to decide what happens, he should already know this isn't acceptable. This shows he hasn't learned from his mistake.

Forgiveness takes a long time and a lot of work, be kind to yourself, you don't deserve this.

I agree with PPs who said that he should not want to go to the event when the OW will be there as it would be disrespectful to OP for him to go. I also think that OP is being very controlling of him but that is probably a normal reaction of somebody whose spouse cheated but I have no personal experience of this.

Personally if I was the OP's DH, I wouldn't have put her in this position in the first place and instead thank my sorry ass that she forgave me.

Fgs, it's a work do, not a Nobel Prize Ceremony.

What a sad way to live

You're not unreasonable to feel it difficult (impossible?) to trust after he had an affair...BUT is this how you (both?) want to live? The language used 'let him' 'not allowed' suggests that the only way his infidelity is controlled...is by your control? Forget him for a second-does that make you happy? If be cheated would it be your fault for not checking his phone? Stopping him drinking? Not checking the guest list for females? Honestly, it doesn't sound like a relaxing way to live for you, monitoring and watching-and for him to be controlled by another. I'd seriously consider counselling (joint or you) to see whether you can repair the trust, because honestly, planning to control someone's attendance at a party at Christmas, in June-sounds simply miserable.

Thank you all. It’s interesting how half of you seem to share my opinion that he shouldn’t even be considering it and that he should still be sort of begging forgiveness. The other half share his opinion, that I need to at least give him opportunity to trust him, and as he’s not allowed to go out on any work things, the Christmas do is kind of the one to be at.

I’ve reflected a little on the situation. I have been working 6 or 7 days a week for the last 7 years. I work 12 hour days and he was doing all the housework, helping to look after my dc from a previous relationship, and I never once said thank you. He was feeling neglected, and although he had tried to talk to me about it, I never realised the extent of how he was feeling. The affair with the other woman was mainly emotional (She isn’t even that pretty) and she made him feel desired and appreciated, which he wasn’t getting from me. They were only physical on one occasion. Whenever I ask to look at his phone, he lets me. Same with his emails and itemised phone bill. He doesn’t go OTT on asking for forgiveness because he says he has apologised and cannot be punished for it forever, he wants to move on now.

People can cheat anywhere if they really want to. It may temporarily make you feel better to bar the Christmas party but really it does fuck all if your partner is determined to cheat.

You've posted about this before.

The answer won't change. He isn't committed to take action to protect your marriage and he will cheat again, and again and again. Your self esteem (and sanity) will be destroyed.

The only way towards your own happiness is for the marriage to end.

How have you managed to make it your fault?

Im guessing you wouldnt have worked so much if you really wanted to be at home.. with him. Consider this

Do you think if he sees her then he's going to cheat? You're living as a prison warden, and it's no way to run a relationship. Either you have forgiven him and you trust him again so he goes where he wants or you break up. This is no way to live for either of you