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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I let him go?

121 replies

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 09:05

18 months ago, my dh had a brief affair with someone at work. It is over now and I forgave him. That person has changed departments so isn’t on dh’s team anymore. I refused to let dh go out on their staff Xmas party last year, as she would be there and I was worried my dh would speak to them. I told him that if he went, I would divorce him.

There is talk about this years Xmas party and dh wants to go, especially because he couldn’t go last year and it sounded like a really good night out (I know Coronavirus might put a stop to it anyway!) I don’t know if the other person is going or not, but AIBU to say dh can’t go if they will be there? They no longer speak (I sometimes check dh’s phone and emails) but dh has been honest and said that one of dh’s team has invited her along. Dh has already said he wouldn't stay overnight like everyone else and has offered not to drink alcohol so he can drive home, but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now.

Please do not judge me on my decision to forgive my dh, that wouldn’t be helpful, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. Thank you.

OP posts:

Pebblexox · 06/06/2020 10:06

It's a tough one. I personally think yabu.
You forgave him, and chose to stay in the relationship. However you clearly don't trust him. Understandable, but there has to be trust again otherwise you'll the relationship is basically dead. I think you have to let him go, and then he can prove that he isn't going to do it again or he does do it again then you know that your relationship is over.

2bazookas · 06/06/2020 10:11

He needs to realise that missing an Xmas party is a very tiny and insignificant loss compared with the pain and misery he caused you. It's a price he should willingly pay for your peace of mind and the future of your marriage.

How could he even think of enjoying the party when he knows what it will do to you.

Chandler12 · 06/06/2020 10:15

You were kind enough to forgive him for the sake of your relationship.

For the sake of your relationship he can give up a shitty Christmas work do. A very small price to pay and I can’t believe he even suggested it.

As a PP said forgive does not mean forget. He made decisions and it should be he that faces the consequences by not going, not you facing consequences by sitting fretting in June.

He can organise a night out with just his team etc he doesn’t need to go to the main one (which are always stuffy anyway) where she will be.

Truthpact · 06/06/2020 10:18

Turn it around on him and ask him would he be OK with you going to a party with someone you had cheated on him with? I bet he wouldn't.

It's bad to be honest he's even asked if he can go, knowing she will be there. Surely if he wants to work on his marriage, he would avoid going near her again and want her completely out of his life? Why hasn't he changed jobs? To me, he hasn't done enough to earn trust and wanting to go to the party speaks volumes. As someone else said, it's a small price to pay to miss a party after what he did. His happiness matters more to him, than how much he hurt you. If it didn't, he wouldn't even consider it.

I can see why you don't trust him, and it's no way to live. I think you deserve to be with someone you can trust, someone you do deserve. You don't deserve him. You deserve so much better, someone who isn't a cheater.

Original poster

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 10:18

@Spied They go to a posh place in the city so they have to book in advance, and the person organising it has included this woman in the email as they’re mates.
Dh doesn’t drink much anyway so him offering not to drink is not out of the ordinary.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 06/06/2020 10:18

@NerrSnerr

It's not a way to live is it OP? Worrying about a Christmas party 6 months in advance.

This.

The trust is gone. Your marriage is a dead duck already

Original poster

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 10:20

@2bazookas I know, although I don’t let him go on any meals out after their conferences either, so that’s why his Xmas party is more important to him.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 06/06/2020 10:22

Put a collar and bell on him. Seeing as reducing the opportunity is the only way to stop him shagging people it seems.

TooTiredTodayOk · 06/06/2020 10:23

I think it's perfectly reasonable that, for your peace of mind, you request that he avoids all social occasions where the OW will be present.

He's had his fun.

Now you do you.

It's up to him to accept your terms, or leave.

diddl · 06/06/2020 10:24

"but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now."

So you don't trust him?

Don't blame her for your husband cheating on you-he didn't have to!

2bazookas · 06/06/2020 10:27

"You don't trust him. The relationship is doomed."

Forgiveness does not automatically replace trust. He has to earn that all over again, by proving she matters to him more than anyone else. Over and over and over.

Going to Xmas party gives exactly the opposite message

" I want my bit of fun regardless of how it might hurt you ". Again.

mrsmummy111 · 06/06/2020 10:28

You need to ask yourself the question of why you don't want him to go. Is it because you don't trust him not to cheat again? If not, what is the issue with him going? Only you can answer that.

If you have chosen to forgive him, that's your decision and one I'm hopeful you didn't come to lightly. However, in order for your marriage to progress and to move on in your lives, you have to learn to forgive and forget. If you don't want him to go to the party because you truly don't trust him, then you haven't truly forgiven him and stopping him from going won't eradicate that feeling of mistrust. You need to deal with that first and foremost. If you want to move on with your marriage, you have to move on from the affair otherwise you're wasting both your times.

Pukeymama · 06/06/2020 10:28

You forgave him for an affair, the least he can do is not go to a party once a year. YANBU.

TooTiredTodayOk · 06/06/2020 10:30

Why are posters saying if you don't trust him then you haven't forgiven him?

Forgiveness and trust are two totally separate things.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 06/06/2020 10:31

I thought by the title you meant let him go as in from your life. Having read this I think you should. Not to the party just out of your life otherwise you'll always wonder what he's up to and that's no way to live.

maudspellbody · 06/06/2020 10:34

I have had a similar situation in the recent past.

The issue for me was less about trust. I was never a jealous person before he cheated. I wasn't possessive or controlling afterwards either.

My one and only problem (and I was totally open that it was my issue and was irrational) was HER. I didn't want him near her. I didn't think he'd cheat with her again. I just had a really strong, almost physical reaction to knowing he would see her. I told him I wouldn't stop him from seeing her, but I wanted to know in advance if he was going somewhere she would be. This was mainly because he used to lie to me about her and i needed things to be up front this time. No sneaking around. I wanted her to know we were back together (he didn't tell her) and I wanted to never have to stumble upon photos of them together on Facebook again.

I thought he needed to choose me and my peace of mind.

He didn't.

We ended again.

I don't consider myself to be controlling or toxic to say I wanted to be told if he was going to be seeing her. I don't actually think it was a lot to ask.

I tried to be cool with it and tries to over-ride my reactions, but actually, why should I?

FlowerArranger · 06/06/2020 10:36

You are trying to control him.
In order to prevent him from straying again.
You say you have forgiven him. But clearly, and not surprisingly, you cannot forget.
This isn't going to work.
Read Chumplady.
Betrayal is shit. No coming back from it unless HE is totally committed.
I mean totally committed. As opposed to just wanting his comfortable life back.

JustC · 06/06/2020 10:36

Just because you choose to give your marriage another chance after something like this, it does not mean you already forgave and already trusting again. He still has to deserve these things.

Nottherealslimshady · 06/06/2020 10:37

I dont think he should be pestering to go. He did something wrong, there are consequences to that. I wouldn't be happy that he's not just said to his friends "no I cant go because such and such is there and I don't want to upset my wife".

ThePianist38 · 06/06/2020 10:38

You are unreasonable, yes. You had a choice, divorce or stay in the marriage, you got to move on now and put it behind you. You cannot keep him under lock and key forever .

Heko · 06/06/2020 10:40

He doesn't need your permission to socialise with work colleagues. You sound controlling and abusive.

Ughmaybenot · 06/06/2020 10:40

I would expect him to suggest that he doesn’t go. The fact he’s moping about the fact he doesn’t get to go to a bloody Christmas party, knowing exactly what he’s put you through, suggests he isn’t so bothered about getting this marriage right again as you are. He shouldn’t be even suggesting it imo.
No judgement for choosing to forgive and choosing to stay, but this isn’t all on you.

TeaAndHobnob · 06/06/2020 10:41

I think people are being quite harsh on you OP.

I would feel the same if I'm honest.

But why hasn't he moved to a job somewhere else? That would be one very simple way to cut all of this nonsense off. I can't believe a suitable job hasn't come up in the whole time since the affair.

Chickenwing · 06/06/2020 10:41

I think he should know this would make you uncomfortable and not want to go. I wouldn't personally tell him not to or stop him, but would be so dissappointed. He is putting himself first and a partner shouldn't do that.

Takingontheworld · 06/06/2020 10:42

This relationship is dead in the water. You can't trust him and he is going to end up feeling like a grounded child.

I'd let him go in more ways than one. You can't like this version of yourself OP?

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