Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Do I let him go?

121 replies

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 09:05

18 months ago, my dh had a brief affair with someone at work. It is over now and I forgave him. That person has changed departments so isn’t on dh’s team anymore. I refused to let dh go out on their staff Xmas party last year, as she would be there and I was worried my dh would speak to them. I told him that if he went, I would divorce him.

There is talk about this years Xmas party and dh wants to go, especially because he couldn’t go last year and it sounded like a really good night out (I know Coronavirus might put a stop to it anyway!) I don’t know if the other person is going or not, but AIBU to say dh can’t go if they will be there? They no longer speak (I sometimes check dh’s phone and emails) but dh has been honest and said that one of dh’s team has invited her along. Dh has already said he wouldn't stay overnight like everyone else and has offered not to drink alcohol so he can drive home, but I don’t want my dh anywhere near her, even though she’s in a relationship now.

Please do not judge me on my decision to forgive my dh, that wouldn’t be helpful, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. Thank you.

OP posts:

pumpkinbump · 06/06/2020 10:49

If it were me, I would have made him change jobs completely, not just departments then you wouldn't have this problem of him potentially socialising with her. No you're not being unreasonable at all. I'm not sure if I would have him go to be honest, probably not. He missed a good night because of his own actions. These are some of the consequences of having an affair unfortunately. Plus, what kind of time would he have if he is offering not to drink and drive back?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 06/06/2020 10:50

You can't keep him under house arrest in case he doesn't stray again. What kind of relationship is that? Why would you want to be worried every time he goes out, sod that.
Either end it or move on, if he strays so be it, but you are currently existing in a completely artificial set up which sounds very stressful.

TARSCOUT · 06/06/2020 10:50

You didn't let him go to his xmas night out and you don't let him go for meals after conferences, you're still checking his phone and email. This is no life for either of you. No one is organising a xmas night just now surely, posh place or not. Sounds strange, sorry.

pumpkinbump · 06/06/2020 10:52

I don't think it's about trust and if anything would happen with her again. I think it's more about not wanting the person who strayed in the same vicinity of the affair partner. I've been in a similar situation and knowing she was there was like a red rag to a bull.

MolotovMocktail · 06/06/2020 10:54

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If the marriage is to work he should be doing absolutely everything possible to reassure you, and that means declining events where she will be there. Personally I would find it totally unacceptable that they are still working in the same place, even though they are not on the same team now. The fact that you’re still feeling quite insecure is indicative to me that he is not working hard enough to earn your trust back.

thenamesarealltaken · 06/06/2020 10:56

@fluffymummykins, he's agreed to move forward with you, but if the only way your relationship can seem to work is by you monitoring and controlling him, well, what sort of relationship do you really have?

Why did he have a brief affair that one time?

What is keeping him willingly living submissively with you?

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

Do you have shared assets?

I'm trying to work out why a grown man would choose to be controlled and live a part life, continually monitored and denied experiences.

My ex had affairs and despite it causing me difficulties, we talked, I didnt play victim, I just told him that what he had to offer me was not what I wanted. I was certainly not going to spend my days worrying about what STDs he might be bringing home or whether he was only with me for specific reasons rather than because we were great together. He proved we weren't great together by having an affair - I wasn't enough and I had no interest in open relationships or monitoring and controlling someone, so I helped him look for a flat, helped him move out and we stayed amicable.

IndecentFeminist · 06/06/2020 11:00

Ignoring everything else, he shouldn't want to go. I'm amazed he's raising it this early on, and with such little time since it all happened

Dustyroad63 · 06/06/2020 11:02

He is being totally selfish.

Whinging and desperate to go on a works do?

It's one night out surely he can miss it to prove you are his priority.

He cheated on you and you forgave him. He should think himself lucky.

Maybe he can take you out to a posh hotel instead.

thenamesarealltaken · 06/06/2020 11:02

So, to be clear, I think you should stop this 'letting him....' thing and sort this relationship out. Either live as two whole people, as individuals, but sharing some of life's experiences together, in harmony, or carry on monitoring/controlling, or just let it go, as it sounds like a rubbish existencefor you both.

Sn0tnose · 06/06/2020 11:08

This just isn’t sustainable long term. I completely understand why you wouldn’t want them anywhere near each other but what you are essentially saying is that if they find themselves in a social situation together, you do not trust him not to cheat.

At some point, you are either going to have to accept that he can go anywhere and speak to anyone he wants and you’ll simply have to have faith that he’s not going to cheat again. Or, you carry on as you are and try to make him be faithful by controlling his movements and checking his phone. Or you’re going to have to decide that the trust is gone, it’s not coming back and consider whether it’s fair to either of you to carry on like that.

MolotovMocktail · 06/06/2020 11:08

Thenames I think your posts are very unhelpful. The OP isn’t “playing the victim”. 18 months in is still quite early days when it comes to recovering from infidelity. And you are completely delusional to expect the OP to just put up and shut up because she shouldn’t be “controlling” her husband. He was the one that fucked up and if he still wants to be in the relationship then he should expect to do what it takes to earn back his wife’s trust, which means having certain freedoms curtailed if that’s what she needs. It’s a fucking Christmas party for God’s sake, hardly a life changing experience. No it’s not an ideal situation for a healthy relationship but it’s what it takes to heal.

Number3or4 · 06/06/2020 11:10

You can forgive him. But what does forgiveness mean to you? I don’t know him or if he is a trustworthy person. Do you trust him? Do you have conditions that needs to be meet in order to put your mind at rest? You would need him to agree to them to.

Happymum12345 · 06/06/2020 11:17

You have forgiven him but that doesn’t mean you trust him. Two different things entirely. He needs to prove he can be trusted & what a pathetic man to be talking about a Christmas party in June.

allyouneedis · 06/06/2020 11:18

This is why in my opinion affairs can never be forgiven. You have said you have forgiven him and moved on but clearly it’s still there in your mind. By refusing to let him go to the party you are basically saying I don’t trust you and that’s no way to live for either of you.

Everythingsgoingmyway · 06/06/2020 11:21

I know a couple where he has cheated with multiple women (at least 15), some one night stands and others longer affairs. His DP knows about many but not all.

She calls him every 5 minutes when he's out of her sight. Checks his 'phone numerous times a day, they have massive arguments whenever he's late home or wants a night out with his friends. He's constantly accused of shagging literally any woman he comes near and she's fallen out with friends and family members she's accused of flirting with him or whatever.

Ironically, this is often how he gets new affair partners as his DP is presented by him as controlling and abusive and it does seem that way if you don't know the whole story.

I know the OP here isn't quite such an extreme situation but I don't see that it's any way to live just to keep hold of a cheat. Checking 'phones, not wanting him to go to certain events, worrying all the time. It's awful.

Original poster

fluffymummykins · 06/06/2020 11:23

He doesn’t go out much anyway. Maybe once every couple of months, and that’s only round his mates. I’m a bit uncomfortable about him having any female friends. He misses out on a lot of things and social events for me and has stopped a lot of his friendships with any women because of how I feel. He’s promised he wouldn’t talk to her, but he’s a friendly person so I think he would be polite and speak if he’s spoken to in order to remain professional but I do believe there’s no feelings or attraction there anymore.

OP posts:

sugarlost · 06/06/2020 11:26

At one our Christmas partys one colleague who is now engaged to her long term partner snogged a married man 20 plus years then her. I didn't believe it went I heard as I just thought she wasn't the type but I think alcohol played a big part in this and him being confident and loving himself. If he got an opportunity with another attractive girl I'm sure he'd do it again and more if possible.

Another married women known for cheating was all over an embaressed looking guy on the dancefloor... again I don't think drink helps.

I understand your concerns. You want to feel secure in your relationship. I agree without what someone else said...how would he feel if it was the other way round.

pumpkinbump · 06/06/2020 11:26

what a pathetic man to be talking about a Christmas party in June.

Completey agree with this. Why is it so important to him?

It can take years to recover from infidelity, a lot of hard work and both parties need to put the effort in.

This is not about the OP controlling her husband. Who in their right mind would be okay with their husband/wife socialising with the person they had the affair with. It's ridiculous and rubbing the OP's nose in it.

Presumably he goes out with mates, which is completely different to socialising with this woman, despite whether she is in a relationship or not.

If it were me and I had the affair, I would choose not to go on account of her being there. He shouldn't even be asking!

beingtiredsucks · 06/06/2020 11:27

Here's your medal 🏅

He has to earn your trust op and 18 months isn't very long. I don't think I could forgive an affair but if I did I'd be very uncomfortable with my dh and ow seeing each other again. Whether or not you thought they'd shag each other, it just wouldn't be a nice feeling.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/06/2020 11:28

You either trust him or not.

I wouldn’t trust him though but that’s just me.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 06/06/2020 11:31

To be honest if it was me that had been unfaithful and I'd been given another chance then I'd happily give up this once a year tradition where the other person would be present.
That being said I don't think I could forgive a cheater in the first place though.

sugarlost · 06/06/2020 11:31

He may begin to resent the restrictions to his social life because of how you feel.

Trust is important in a relationship. Would you both get marriage counselling?

Would you let him see his female friends again? I don't think I could live under those limitations

moveandmove · 06/06/2020 11:31

I'm shocked that he's ditched his female friends for you and he has to get a yes or no from you before going out anywhere. That's no way to live for either of you.

pinkyredrose · 06/06/2020 11:32

You either trust him or you don't. Has he explained why he had an affair? Did the woman know he was married?

hardboiledeggs · 06/06/2020 11:32

YANBU I'd feel the same and if he truly wanted to make it work with you he would do anything help you get over it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5