To ask if you've ever ended a friendship

[022828MAN]

Did you officially 'dump' them or just limit contact until it naturally faded out?

A long standing friendship has just become toxic. We have very different political views (which is something I usually welcome in friendships) however it has spilled over to the point I feel our general morals just don't aline anymore.
This friend gets very frustrated when people don't agree with her and has negative traits that I just don't feel a want in my life anymore.

I don't necessarily want to upset this person as I don't think she deserves that, so not sure actually talking about it will get anywhere (plus she isn't someone to reason with so don't think it'd be a mature, rational conversation), so would it be too strange to just let the friendship phase out by restricting contact, delaying replying etc?

Right so just an update (if anyone cares)!

'Friend' sent a text last night which I ignored. She then text again today and I was brief but not rude. She pushed and asked if something was wrong as she felt I was not being my usual self.
I was as fair as possible about the way I felt without being rude. Well, what a can of worms it opened. Playing the victim, how she had had a really 'tough week' and other sorts of phrases which actually had nothing to do with what I was saying and were designed to make me feel guilty. Normally I'd cave at this kind of thing but I remained strong in my stance, spoke concisely but tried to not be too emotive or personal (this was difficult).
And then she continued to attack my character, accusing me of all sorts of ridiculous things. 2+2=5 etc.
I didn't respond and then she text again with more of what she probably believed to be home truths but we're just defensive vile shots.

I feel strangely calm. I usually really dislike confrontation and get very very panicky but I think because I was sure of the friendship being over anyway her words just didn't get to me at all.
There's definitely a strange 'feeling' there but I do feel weirdly content at the same time.

She's just continued to send more rude nasty messages, so I've blocked her and her partner on all platforms now. It's a shame she's had to take it to this level but I'm not willing to be sent continuous abuse.

Good for you! Shows you have made the right decision.

Yes no regrets on more than one occasion-

Friend 1 was due to be my bridesmaid and before the wedding decided she didn’t get on with other bridesmaid and expected me to pick between them
When I didn’t she decided not to be bridesmaid or come to wedding at all

2nd friend was quite a few years before - I had left abusive exh and she decided she still wanted to be friends with him and didn’t believe the atrocious things he had done to me

Good for you @022828MAN.
She’s confirmed what you already knew to be true and you’re so much better off without her in your life. Block on everything you can think of and enjoy the peace.

Good for you OP!

I haven't spoken to one of mine over lockdown and I'm hoping it fizzles out tbh when I see her she complains about her life, mum, bf (who she has split with numerous times than got back together), work, whenever we plan to do anything 'fun' she can't relax and doesn't drink so we can't go out and get a bit tipsy. So yeah

I have and have never looked back.

She was a young mum of two, never worked and always on benefits. I went out and got an apprenticeship at 16 and worked my way up, she was constantly on at me for money. If we ever did anything I had to pay. I always got a list at birthdays and Christmases of the things she and the kids wanted. I usually got a bubble bath and a card in return for spending over £100 quid. She would manipulate the kids to ask me for things, they would come to me and say they were hungry and ask me when I was ordering the takeaway mummy had said I was buying. She was incredibly selfish as she always had a new phone and nice trainers but her kids often went without.

The last straw was when she told me the father of her kids had attacked her and threatened to ruin her. Everyone rallied around her, we went to the police and protected her.

2 days later she posts a photo of them bowling and I saw a mysterious size 10 foot in the bottom of the picture. It was him. When confronted she flew off the handle about how it was none of my business and she did what she wanted. Meanwhile her mother had an interview with the police the next day to give her statement. I told her she was wrong and without hesitation she blocked me on every type of media going. We had been friends since we were 11.

She contacted me a few years later to apologise. I read it and then deleted it. Not interested. I've moved on with my life and it has no space for her anymore

I tried a slow fade once with a woman who lived in the same village as me, and who would turn up at my house all the time, and she would stay for hours, even if I had visitors. She used to do odd things too - she had a row with her partner and hid in the spare bedroom at their house and texted me and I had to lie for her when her partner came to our door. During a another row with her partner, she sent me a text saying she was lying on the floor, surrounded by candles, and could I please tell her daughter she loved her. Of course I panicked and rushed round and there she was, sitting having a nice cup of tea. In the end I couldn't cope, so I tried the slow fade. But it didn't work. So I had to send her a text message saying that I was happy to see her out and about or at social occasions with joint friends, but that I didn't want to have a personal relationship with her anymore.

She didn't reply - I did feel bad - but I just couldn't cope with her.

Yes, in my early twenties. She was my housemate as well as a friend. As time went on she had more and more tantrums and histrionics. Often over stuff that was minor, like being asked to wash up after herself. It got to the point where I dreaded the sound of her key in the door. You never knew if it was going to be jekyll or Hyde walking through the door. We did have some good times together but in the end I couldn't overlook her volatile moods. I decided to go off travelling and stopped contacting her. She kept trying to get in contact and wouldn't let it drop, so in the end I had to explain how I felt and that I wanted to end the friendship.

One, who was my closest friend in the middle period of university. We lived together in a foreign country and she left to go back to England before I did. When she left a lot of stuff came out from our other two housemates and we realised that she had been horribly controlling, particularly around me, and also stole money.

We were all on the same degree so seeing her again a few weeks later was bizarre, it felt like I'd lost the greatest love of my life. I still think about her sometimes but I would never have been able to trust her again. She's married with a baby on the way and I hope she's settled in life because I think her actions before were a result of being desperately insecure.

By coincidence, not long after I ended a long-term friendship (the one I’ve already mentioned), my mother phoned me in shock because a former friend had died suddenly. They hadn’t spoken in 25 years, but it had still shaken her up, and she felt sad about the way things had ended. It made me ask myself whether, in the same scenario, I’d regret having ended the friendship - and I knew I wouldn’t. I’d have felt the same sadness I was already feeling about the good times we’d once had, but I didn’t suddenly think ‘I have to make things up because how would I feel if he died in 25 years?’ To me that was a good barometer.

I've had friendships fade before, but one time I did have to actually dump one. It was horrible and I'd rather not have to do it again. She was quite the emotional vampire and wouldn't let up whenever I tried to slow contact down. The event that lead to the dumping was when she couldn't get hold of me so attempted to contact my neighbours through social media and lead them to believe DH was abusing me and she was worried for my life. Thankfully the day she pulled that stunt one of my neighbours was very well aware that I was silent because I was with my family in a mobile dead zone and DH was at home with the DC. Neighbour had the number of the place we were at if anything happened to DH or DC should she needed to contact me, I'm very lucky I can trust her and she put the record straight with the others before I even became aware of it. A few of her other lies came to light after that and I ended up having to tell her to leave us all the fuck alone.

Funnily enough I'm thinking about doing the same to a friend of over 35 years. He's had a shit time over the last 15/20 years or so and I've become the go- to friend for him to vent/ moan/ ask advice. Trouble is he never listens and 5 minutes later he's moaning about the same issues again. He's not good with boundaries re coming round, I've asked him time after time to text before coming round and he never does. (I'm not anti social, just busy and sometimes it's not convenient!) Over the last 5 years or so it's got very me, me, me on his part and I'm finding it wearing. As an example, he once texted, rang, e mailed and phoned the house phone in the space of 5 minutes as he needed advice "now!". I was waiting to hear from my daughter who'd been rushed into hospital, told him that but he begged for just 5 minutes of my time. Soft hearted me said ok, he was on the phone for 25 minutes, 24 minutes talking about his urgent issue (it wasn't) and 1 minute vaguely asking after me and my daughter but he couldn't stop long as he was busy! Not heard from him much in lockdown but I've got a plan for not letting him in after lockdown!
A few years ago he sent me a text that was quite upsetting, wish I'd dropped him then.

I think as most of my friends are reasonably well adjusted, I'm probably quite naive to just how many people are either narcissists or have some low level personality disorders.
I've since heard from a mutual friend that this person has been ranting all over their social media about 'toxic people' and negative energy etc. Thank god I'm out of that one!

@ThisShitCrazy
Just read your post and it totally reminded me of someone I was friends with. Again from.school - she was so manipulative when it came to money and when I look back I feel like a mug. I try not to! I would never expect the things she did. So rude. At least I can reflect on it now. I wouldn't put myself in that position ever again.
Live and learn eh?

Yes, it was hard, two former best friends. I became diary fodder, someone to call when a spare weekend came along. Know your worth. I drifted away.

@DrManhattan definitely, and the better off we are for it :)

Yes, I let it fade out.

My supposedly best friend.

Her response to me landing my dream job after a period of unemployment was disappointment that I couldn't provide her with free childcare anymore.

She told me she couldn't go on a long planned night out with me because her husband didn't want to be left alone with their baby... a week later her Facebook is full of selfies from a night out with her school mum friends that was the same night we were supposed to be going out.

She vanished completely when my mum was dying. Not a word of comfort, not a text, nothing.

I stopped being the one who messaged first and I haven't heard a word for over two years.

I've just phased out an nct friendship actually. The competitive nature of the group with two certain people was too much so I have ignored anymore from them. Will be weird when I bump into them when lockdown is lifted!

@morriseysquif diary fodder

That’s a great term. I had a friend who treated me like that. I never had a name for it until now.

She’d arrange an evening out and when I would get there, someone else would arrive an hour later and join us. For a time I thought it was a coincidence until we happened to be in a restaurant and half way through eating, a friend of hers arrived and pulled up a chair. Another time I was due to meet her in the city after she had finished a work event and when I arrived she didn’t turn up as she was having a good time at the work event. After hanging around late at night, for sone time, genuinely thinking she was running late, I returned home and drew a line under the friendship.

0228 you well rid of her! You do not need that in your life. Narcissists are awful my mam throws strops if not her way... honestly I just want easy friends now no drama