To ask if you've ever ended a friendship

[022828MAN]

Did you officially 'dump' them or just limit contact until it naturally faded out?

A long standing friendship has just become toxic. We have very different political views (which is something I usually welcome in friendships) however it has spilled over to the point I feel our general morals just don't aline anymore.
This friend gets very frustrated when people don't agree with her and has negative traits that I just don't feel a want in my life anymore.

I don't necessarily want to upset this person as I don't think she deserves that, so not sure actually talking about it will get anywhere (plus she isn't someone to reason with so don't think it'd be a mature, rational conversation), so would it be too strange to just let the friendship phase out by restricting contact, delaying replying etc?

Yes.

I left an abusive marriage and three joint friends tried to persuade me to stay and sent messages which caused me distress during mediation/the divorce process.

I emailed them and requested they stopped contacting me.

One friend backed off, two of them then contacted my parents (!!) implying I was mentally ill.

Baffling. The slow fade is definitely kinder, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and draw a 6ft boundary in permanent marker for some obtuse people to see it!

This friend gets very frustrated when people don't agree with her and has negative traits that I just don't feel a want in my life anymore

I had very similar with a friend although, unlike you, we had very similar views about politics and other stuff (in fact she wouldn't be friends with anyone who revealed themselves to have differing views, labelling them "idiots", whereas I have friends & family with a variety of views). I hated how aggressive and opinionated she was about her views, both online & in person, actually found it cringeworthy. For example, when she discovered my sister had voted for Brexit, she'd send me articles to send to "that fucking idiot", which I obviously didn't!

Over time she'd worn me down and I wanted to disengage. This intensified as our lives started heading down different paths and I felt we had much less in common. I didn't actually want to fall out with her, upset her or lose her friendship altogether as we went back a long way and had mutual friends but just felt the need to create some distance, I actually thought it would happen naturally due to the changes in both our lives but I was wrong!

I started to back off, stopped initiating contact, slow to respond to messages, non committal about making plans etc. It had the reverse effect and she'd chase me up if I didn't reply to messages straightaway ("I see you're online"). I kept saying I was busy etc but she wouldn't let up and eventually asked me straight if she'd done anything wrong. Maybe I should've told her straight but felt unable to as it was all so non-specific and couldn't say "I find you boring, opinionated and I don't enjoy your company anymore". Instead I just maintained I was just really busy these days, which was actually true & one reason why I didn't have time to listening to her rantings anymore.

Eventually, she stopped contacting me and a while later I discovered she'd removed me from her social media (had unfollowed her long ago). This was a few years ago and I occasionally see her around locally but we don't acknowledge each other at all. It's not what I wanted but I guess it was all or nothing with her.

In answer to your question, I don't agree with ghosting (unless the person had done something awful and deserved to be cut dead) and I also think it cruel to tell someone why you don't want to be friends unless, again It's something very specific, such as they stole from you or gossiped about you, for example.

Distancing yourself and hoping the friendship just fades without anyone getting hurt is your best option I reckon. Unfortunately, I think my friend was hurt and I feel bad about that but am still unsure how I could've played it differently.

Good luck!

I've recently started deleting people who voted for Johnson and/or Brexit. I just dont want to deal with arseholes in my life and it's fantastic to not have their idiocy on my screen on a regular basis

46ArnoJambonsBike are you my ex-friend? That's exactly the kind of thing she'd say. Once described anyone who voted Tory as a "massive cunt" I do have friends who voted that way, they are not massive cunts and don't tend to go on about it on social media but of course would remove them if they were. Otherwise, people are entitled to their opinion, I'm all for a bit of healthy debate!

Yes I faded out a friend who had "wendied" me. We'd been friends for several years and I'd brought her into a group of close friends of mine. I thought it was great they got on but there was a sudden switch. She dropped me like a stone once she was in "the cool gang". It was as if I'd served my purpose. If she didn't hear from any of them for a while she'd start contacting me again but only to find out what the others were doing and if she could tag along. If it had happened more gradually and organically I worked have been fine with it but it was so blatant and made me feel like rubbish.

I now barely see her and she doesn't have much to do with the rest of the group. It seems they saw her as " my friend" and once that link was gone they didn't give her much thought.

The most painful thing was that I'd thought we were really good friends until then and I felt so used and insignificant.

I met one person through dc's school and we initially got on well. Soon enough I realised she is one of those pushy people who will go after what she wants in a rude and insistent manner. She thinks she's assertive but really she's just self-centred. Won't take no for an answer but push and push and push to get her own way.

She's one of life's takers, needy and demanding. Whenever I have told her something positive that was happening in my life she'd just reply with a dismissive grunt and turn the conversation back to her terrible problems or amazing achievements. I don't think I have ever heard her laugh, she always seems tense and grumpy.

I feel so uncomfortable around her and avoid her as much as possible. Can't ditch her though as our husbands are part of the same group of school dad friends so have to socialise from time to time. I dread it.

Ive done both, slow fade out and one that reached such a difficult point one of us had to make the choice to cut off contact and I did.. she cracked the shits but it had to happen. not spoken to her for 3.5 yrs. Im much better off for having done it.

I had to get rid of an ex best friend as she was a negative person attention seeking and not a genuine friend- it had been a long time coming but after a night out she did something else which ended in a row between us.

The next morning I just knew I had to end the friendship so sent her a message basically saying your not a good friend and never have been please don't contact me again. And she didn't!

I did see her in a group situation some years later and we politely said hello but that was it.

It was the right thing to do for me...

I think if you can let it fade it is better. I ended a friendship quite dramatically and whilst I dont regret ending the friendship, I do regret how I dealt with it. I know of others who ended a friendship with her with way less drama. I have a friend now who I have known for a really long time that I would prefer to end but there are a group of us so it is easier to just keep contact within the group setting but I dont contact her for individual calls/meetups anymore. This can work too.

Yes. Delete their number, block them and move on.

About six months ago I was due to go on a girls night out, the morning off I received a text message saying it was cancelled. I found out later that night when some of the girls where texting me "where the heck are you?" that it wasn't cancelled. Me and another friend had just been disinvited by the Queen Bee for some perceived slight the other friend had done and I knew nothing about.

I was more angry than upset but rather than make a drama about it I just reflected on my relationship with the Queen Bee and reliased for the past few years she'd treated me bad and was always take, take, take on her part but letting me down at the last minute. So I decided just not to chase after her any more.

Since lock down I've only heard from her twice. Once when the weather was nice during Easter to ask if she could use my garden to chill in. She lives in a high rise flat. Then again last night to ask could she borrow my curling Irons. I just responded No Sorry both times and she texted back "Ah what a shame - Hope your all keeping well during these tough times" - eye rolls at her last response I know she actually doesn't give a shit.

Just because you had good times with someone on the past doesn't mean you should let them treat you like a doormat. Was a very valuable lesson I've learnt from her and I'm grateful.

Yes fade out is prob best. I found if I say anything they get defensive. Got tired one way friendships!!

Yes, something wasn't quite right that I couldn't put my finger on, she was getting very flaky. Some money disappeared from my purse and cold logic told me it had to be her but I didn't want to believe that. Long story short, I'd had my suspicions and strange inexplicable things were happening or I was being told of them, it turned out she had a big drug problem. I cut her out when I found out about something she'd done which I felt was absolutely unforgivable even if it was the drugs rather than her being a wicked cruel person. I got a couple of long rambling texts from her trying to justify what she'd done. I cut her off. Instant termination. I didn't trust myself to reply or speak to her. I do wonder how she is and I hope she's OK now, but I won't ever forgive her for what she did. It's taken a long time, but sometimes it's the right thing to do to preserve ones own sanity? Life's too short to put up with being treated badly by so called friends.

I seem to have a habit of getting to the point the friendship isn't serving a purpose and change my phone number, not giving it to the people I don't want to talk to again. Has been successful so far.

Yes. I had a good friend and we were very close for about 3 years. I am even godmother to her daughter. She had a lovely husband and 3 lovely girls. We all got on really well. All of a sudden, she became very withdrawn from our friendship and secretive and her behaviour changed. After 2 miscarriages I really needed her support, and she just wasn't there for me. I finally fell pregnant again, and kept it a secret from everyone except DH until 12 week scan. I then invited her over so I could share my news in person, and she said a vague "Congratulations!" and spent most of the night on her phone messaging someone, which was very hurtful. She then told me that she was having an affair. I was horrified. Her husband was such a wonderful, kind man and an excellent husband and father. He eventually found out, the marriage ended and she is now married to the person she was having a affair with - who was also married with children whilst having the affair. I found it so hard to accept and she was so smug and arrogant about her affair. She was positively gleeful. Her new husband has changed her beyond belief. They are very well suited - completely self-absorbed, vain and arrogant. She is not the friend I once knew. She has become very right-wing and racist, and posts very goady, inflammatory posts on social media mocking those who don't share her views. She has lost nearly all of her friends which she had before her affair. Everyone has been appalled by her behaviour and how much she has changed. I found it very upsetting to see my friendship disintegrating, but I had to slowly withdraw and stop messaging, etc, as it all became too fake. She became a negative influence in my life, and I needed to cut that out. It has been hard, but it was the right decision. Our friendship had become a façade.

I have. Unfortunately though, what she did when we were friends she now tries to do at work and I am her senior. She is so very pissed off that I stopped all contact with her. I can handle her no problem but it does make for the ocasional tricky moment.

Thank god for lockdown and WFH is all I can say!

Yes I dumped my friend, he got into the wrong crowd and had turned into an arsehole

Yes and I haven't regretted it.

I finally ended a 17-year friendship a couple of years ago and my only regret is not doing it sooner. We had a kind of brother-sister relationship at uni, but really we’d been drifting apart for years - yet he’d still make this massive deal of us being ‘best friends’. By coincidence, he lived in my home town, so whenever I went back we’d usually make arrangements to catch up, but he’d forever be cancelling at the last minute (then complaining when I wasn’t available when he wanted to reschedule). He also used to complain if I wanted to invite anyone else along - it was always ‘Why can we never meet up just the two of us?’ Which would be fine if I could’ve relied on him to turn up!

In the end we had a fairly disastrous holiday and I tried to step back. We had a long talk about it and I thought we were getting somewhere, but the first sign of a disagreement and he threw it in my face, claiming I’d ranted at him when he’d ‘just had an operation’ (a routine biopsy - he was in the pub half an hour later).

The final straw came when I went home for a mini school reunion. He got massively shirty when I went somewhere we used to go a lot and didn’t invite him to join us - despite the fact that he didn’t go to school with any of us. He had a very public rant about it on Facebook the next day, which I just ignored, so he messaged me saying I was treating him like a cunt and had been for months. It was the last straw - I hit the block button on every channel.

Even over two years on, he’s still trying to get ‘mutual’ friends to pass on messages and get him back in. I just pity him now, as I realise how few genuinely mutual friends we had - most of these people are my friends who tolerated him, and are now blocking him because they’re fed up with being pestered. I just wish he’d finally give up so I enjoy my freedom!

I ended a friendship when she spoke rudely about my new DP to my family before they'd met him. It meant that when they did meet him, we were on the back foot and wondering why people were being hostile.

I confronted her about it and she flat out denied it. She said that my two brother, my parents and my oldest best friend were all lying and I should believe her.

She tried to get back in with me a while later, but I was not interested. Her life was always dramatic and she was always falling out with people. I wk see why?! 😆

PS I married him. He was worth it.

I’ve ended a couple and had a couple ended by other people. When I was younger and less emotionally secure I did a dramatic “I’m not your friend any more” speech, but now I know the better way If possible is to just gradually let it fade so that’s what I’ve done more recently.

I ended a 19 year friendship last year and wish I'd done it sooner.
She was incredibly judgemental, patronising and couldn't cope when I left an emotionally abusive relationship - she felt I messed our friendship group up and I should have stayed despite his cheating and abuse.

She never once acknowledged any of my successes and once said she'd considered applying for I job I left but felt she was too good for it!
I once offered to help her with something both me and DH have a PhD in and years and years of experience and she turned me down as, and I quote, ' if you can get your head around it I'm sure I'll be fine'

The final straw was her booking a restaurant for a night out where there would be nothing I'd be able to eat and her telling me I could just eat bread or meet them later.....I didn't turn up and haven't spoken to her since.

SueEllenMishke

I just wanted to tip my hat to your username!
#1 Seinfeld fan over here

I'd got a tenner out of the cash point, broken it buying chewing gum so I'd have a fiver for the bus in the morning, and left it on the table with my phone when I nipped to the loo whilst out for a drink with my 'friend'. When I got back, she'd put it towards a round of drinks. She didn't mention it, there were just two drinks on the table and my fiver was gone. She'd told me earlier she only had a couple of quid, and so wouldn't be able to buy her round. I hadn't offered, so I guess she just took it.

Last straw.

Aww yey!! Love that OP.....it's my absolute favourite! It's pretty much on constantly in my house 😂

I have just recently stopped messaging a friend, stopped interacting on social media etc. I didn’t particularly want to fall out with her but found her behaviour hard work. She drinks a lot and says offensive things when drunk. Also rude in ways that I can’t cope with, asking for lifts for child to extracurricular activities then them going with someone else and not letting me know etc. I just felt like i wasn’t getting anything positive from the relationship. I think she’s got the message.