To ask if you've ever ended a friendship

[022828MAN]

Did you officially 'dump' them or just limit contact until it naturally faded out?

A long standing friendship has just become toxic. We have very different political views (which is something I usually welcome in friendships) however it has spilled over to the point I feel our general morals just don't aline anymore.
This friend gets very frustrated when people don't agree with her and has negative traits that I just don't feel a want in my life anymore.

I don't necessarily want to upset this person as I don't think she deserves that, so not sure actually talking about it will get anywhere (plus she isn't someone to reason with so don't think it'd be a mature, rational conversation), so would it be too strange to just let the friendship phase out by restricting contact, delaying replying etc?

Yes definitely, my friend moved away and I felt lighter when she left so I kind of lost interest in replying quickly to texts etc. Looking back I think she was always toxic.

She invited me to a party and was just odd, it was tense. When I got home she messaged with a load of abuse it was vile. I told her to fuck off and spent the next week anxious she would try to do something to me, stir the pot or ‘get me’ somehow. Now I realise I’m so so much better off and realise I would have cut her off years ago if not for the drama she would cause. I’m glad it’s happened now.

I've recently started deleting people who voted for Johnson and/or Brexit. I just dont want to deal with arseholes in my life and it's fantastic to not have their idiocy on my screen on a regular basis.

Yes. Became good friends with a fellow school mum.

Her DD was a mean kid sadly and she indulged her wanted to be her best friend rather than her mum (ridiculous examples but would be way too outing). Not my business of course but I watched for years as her DD was periodically mean to mine and as she raised a truly spoilt brat.

Eventually my DD stood up to hers one year. To me this was between the girls and we could still be friends. I was naive. Because of that the next time I saw the mum she weirdly blanked me.

Now I’m not one to accept blatant wankery behaviour so I walked up and asked her straight out what was wrong and she basically said nothing and then changed her answer to blaming my DD. These kids were 10 ffs.

After that I thought for a couple of days that maybe she’d ring and apologise for the ridiculous way she acted but she never did. So in the end I blocked her and never contacted her again. I’ve never regretted it for a second. She was always taking from me anyway. Lifts places, help with this and that. It was a relief.

The irony is that I’ve since realised she’d fallen out with a lot of friends over the years. And in the end her daughter was so molly coddled that she couldn’t even function or go to school. Sad really but blocking her was liberating and DD learnt a lesson in how to stand up to the bully.

Yes, I just realised that she actually wasn't very nice to me and our friendship had only developed because I was lonely. Otherwise I wouldn't have allowed her in.

As I grew more as a person I realised he way she treated me was unacceptable and just gradually phased her out.

Wow I've just read through all of them, some of them I'm genuinely in shock by. It sounds strange to say they made me feel better, as I wouldn't wish those shitty people on anyone, but it makes me realise I can easily cut toxic people of my life and shouldn't be doubting myself for wanting to. I'm hoping you're all happy and content without them in it ♥ and absolutely agree with the 'quality over quantity' mantra!

Yes. One of my friends made some horribly insensitive comments after my mum died. Totally selfish and made it all about him. That, plus his general flakiness and me preparing food for him when he never showed up, me waiting in cafes for him and he was 2 hours late, him promising things that never materialised and it was the last straw. I realised how incredibly selfish this person was and how everything was all about him and how I could never rely on him to be there for me, despite the fact I would always be there for him. Thats not "friendship" in my book.
I now know that he has alienated all of his friends and is very lonely. Sad but not unexpected. You reap what you sow.

I've deliberately cut at least 3 people out because I couldn't stand their racism any more, initially it was just the odd hint here and there but then over the years I thought I can't carry on with it any longer. I've also ghosted a couple of people who would make arrangements with me, let me down at the last minute and then bizarrely post photos of themselves with a mutual friend at a club or whatever within 30 minutes! My question would be why make arrangements with me at all?

I asked about it on here too as I am in my late 50s so I would have thought this sort of thing would have stopped by now - I thought it must be me!!

Yes but took the bull by the horns. It want pretty but the right thing to do at the time. She was serially cheating on her fiancé and told us all about it all the time. I hated it and felt like listening to it I agreed with it. I said a few times I didn’t want to hear about it and that I didn’t think it was right. It carried on and so I said I’m really sorry we can’t be friends anymore. If you can lie so readily to the person you supposedly love what lies are you telling to me. It’s hurtful. That was the end of it. Not nice for the others in the group but morally I couldn’t carry on anymore. I want to trust my friends and she was untrustworthy in her behaviour in my opinion

Someone who I trusted as a v close friend treated me spectacularly badly, so now she doesn't exist for me. It was a grief, but I also grieved the previous years where I'd thought her something she actually wasn't.

Only once, I'm usually pretty picky about my friends so this one hurt. I worked with her and she came to stay with my family in Spain a couple of times, we got on great. A few of my friends didn't like her much which should've been a red flag and then she had an affair with my brother which was fucking weird (neither were married but both had partners - not that serious or exactly exclusive so not friendship breaking but fucking weird). She was HR manager at the charity I worked at and for some reason when I was pregnant with my second child she tried to get me fired. It was blatant what she was doing but she just denied it and lied to my face. It was weird and really childish and not the sort of thing I have ever encountered before. I just stopped talking to her entirely unless it was work related. It was horrible. And when having my baby nearly killed me she left messages twice while I was in ICU to demand I got in touch about some pretty work shit she could have easily asked someone else about (in fairness to her when she found out how ill I was I got an apology for that).
I have no idea what I did to deserve it, was very weird and not nice.
I got a new job (mainly due to her) about 2 months after I got back from mat leave and havent spoken to her since. Its lovely not to have her in my life any more but I do still wonder why it happened.

Yes just recently I I blocked her nd the shes message on different outlets which she is now blocked on. I couldn't cope with the constant drama, and it was getting to the point we were getting dragged into it.

I have let quite a few friendships drift away In the last year/18month. I move between feeling fine about it and feeling sad. I really do think a friendship ending can be quite upsetting even when it’s the right thing though.

I got fed up of making way more effort to meet up than other people did, so I decided to stop. I figured they’ll contact me to arrange something if they were that bothered....but they haven’t. So I kinda feel like I have to take that as a message and move on. I decided to put more into my couple of closer, older friendships. Also I maybe need to accept that the other people probably didn’t actual want to remain friends with me that much.

There is one person I’m glad about loosing contact with and another I’m sad about, but the two are close themselves so I think, unfortunately the two friendships will probably be lost.

I’ve recently come off Facebook and it’s helped a lot. Before I was seeing things I felt were ‘aimed at me’ or feeling left out. Without that constant social media comparison I am much happier.

Yes, once. I realised it was a very one-sided friendship and I was not on the winning end. Would never just ghost someone so I just slowly pulled away and things naturally faded away. It coincided with me having my first dc so I suspect she just thought I was less available because of that. If we bump into each other we're friendly and stop and have a chat so there's no ill feeling from me (or here that I've picked up on).

It depends on the situation. Generally, if the friendship has just reached a natural end, or we're just not that aligned anymore, I will let it fade away on good terms.

@coronafiona Wow. Just wow (and not in a good way)

I ha

I had a strange experience with an adult friend who ended up strangely over involved in my family. She seemed to think we should literally plan important family events around her. I thought I must be reading the situation wrong until she clearly informed me in front of her husband that she had come to our second child's baptism party to "punish" me. Then I realized this was crazy and getting out of hand. I told her this was not a friendship anymore, I wasn't sure what it was but definitely not friendship. I never socialized with her again.

I recently ended a 20 year friendship. I didn't really want to be friends in the first place if I'm honest, bit I felt sorry for her as everyone at our work didn't seem to like her much. She was immature, self important and hard work. I wish I'd done it 20 years ago. Sadly ghosting didn't work so I had to tell her (which I tried to do in the nicest possible way). She was not nice about it and got really nasty. It just confirmed to me it was the right thing to do. I feel nothing but relief

I ended a very close friendship at university. She was not horrible at all. She had many good qualities but I ended up finding the friendship toxic. She was constantly talking about a mutual friend in a very negative way. She was incredibly judgemental - her morals were from Victoria times. I did it in a gutless way by just avoiding her. Even when she confronted me and asked if there was a problem I just brushed it away and said "No, no everything's fine". She was very confused and hurt.

Yes, on two separate occasions in my teens/20s I went on holiday and then stopped speaking to them after. I think the feeling was mutual, they didnt contact me either I had other more successful holidays with friends.

Last year I decided to cut out a friend who I went on a weekend away with but was utterly selfish and self absorbed. She was rude to waiting staff, spent hours talking about herself and her life history, I realised she was an unpleasant selfish brat. I tried reducing contact by never initiating, replying slowly, being boring etc

However as some pp found, she didnt respond well at all. Pretty furious that I was no longer doing as she demanded in fact I still get occasional demanding phone messages but I just ignore.

I realised that we were friends because I was lonely. I enjoyed the company and she enjoyed talking. Then I had a health problem and an amazing promotion at work but she wasn't interested at all. The final straw was mentioning to her husband that my dad had recently been in hospital which he glossed over and continued talking in a very detailed way about trivial events.
The friendship has certainly finished but I'm still grateful for the company during a lonely year.

I had a very good friend - but our relationship ended when I found out that she was giving my DH advice about what to do and say during a very difficult time in our marriage. Who the fuck would do that???

Yes, I ended two long-term friendships fairly recently. One was an incredibly self-centred woman and I realised I was simply a sounding-board for her. I supported her for years through multiple crises. She rarely had time to listen to me. She spoke to me horribly around a mile-stone event and the scales finally fell from my eyes. I sent a gentle message explaining I felt the friendship had run its course etc but not blaming. I then blocked. She proceeded to message my husband and also to lie about me on here (garnering much sympathy!).

Second friend, we just had nothing in common any more and there was no fun or levity to the dynamic...only endless very somber coffee meets which kept us both trapped in a dynamic of using each other to vent. She was resistant to any suggestions to do anything different and it became a chore for both of us to meet. The dynamic had worked at one time (when we were both going through tough times) but there was nothing more to the friendship. I messaged and then blocked her too. I was fragile at the time and had so much on my plate that I couldn't take on angry backlash messages.

There was another person I also blocked hat week (it was quite a time of reflection and change!) but she was someone I had been trying to fade out for years and wouldn't let go. She wasn't a close friend by this point.

This might make me sound heartless but I really am not. I have poor self-esteem and had not been discerning about choosing friends as I thought I should accept any friendship offered. I don't think I've ever had a healthy close friendship. Lessons have been learned. I have been particularly sad about Friend 1 and questioned many times if I did the right thing but have no accepted that it was for the best.

Having been on the receiving end of The Slow Fade a few times, I would prefer the direct approach. Tell them briefly why and end it.

I just faded mine out. I hate confrontation and sometimes think fading out is better. Easier than saying ‘Well tbh I’ve recently come to the realisation that for the past 15 years you haven’t been very nice to me’.

Having an upfront conversation CAN be helpful if you think you can work through it. However if you have gone past the point of no return due to the persons crap behaviour, I don’t believe you owe them anything.