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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

105 replies

Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:47

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down) Sad

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean Sad

OP posts:
AMileInMyShoes · 04/06/2020 19:48

What do you mean, "He planned to spend the evening alone after"

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:50

I mean he wanted to do his hobby stuff and relax in his own downstairs.

OP posts:
Microwaveoven · 04/06/2020 19:50

I find this very strange. Don't feel guilty for not wanting sex. It's fine. There's always tomorrow. Or later!! Plenty of time and chances basically.

Did you just not feel in the mood or is it something else? Hence you feeling guilty and lying about 'wanting to watch netflix'?
Why lie?

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:51

*on his own

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/06/2020 19:52

WHy are you feeling mean for basically telling him you did not just want to have sex before he disappeared off downstairs to his hobby

You should be turning him down and stop him taking you for granted. He wasnt sweet you told him you wanted him to spend less time on his hobby and more time on you and he went to sex. Doesnt sound very sweet

Ginkypig · 04/06/2020 19:52

So are you saying you had an argument about him never spending time with you and his response the next day is to want a shag from you then still not spend time with you?

WellIdidthatwrong · 04/06/2020 19:52

This is odd, I wouldn't like it either. He planned a big night on his own? For after you had sex? Huh?

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2020 19:53

why did you lie what did you want? Him to spend time with you

Nihiloxica · 04/06/2020 19:53

So he wanted his end away before spending the rest if the evening without you?

That must make you feel so sexy. How could you turn down an offer like that? Wink

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:53

I said it further down, we argued last night that all he seems to want to do in the evenings is spend time on his hobby and he doesn't really want to do anything together. I knew tonight that he would just be asking for sex and then be off downstairs, without spending time together.

OP posts:
ECBC · 04/06/2020 19:53

Are you trying to give him a taste of his own medicine by choosing not to spend time with him?

Wearywithteens · 04/06/2020 19:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TeddyBeans · 04/06/2020 19:54

Making time for you and making time for sex are two completely different things. I would feel completely used in your situation. He's practically saying the only thing worth doing with you is getting into your pants. Don't feel bad for saying no.

Alyssum34456 · 04/06/2020 19:55

It is completely normal to not want sex. If this is new to him then he is very lucky and should learn to be ok with it? Being guilted into sex is horrible.

WellIdidthatwrong · 04/06/2020 19:55

I'm curious about what the hobby is. Especially if it's something like gaming with friends online, not because I'm dead against gaming but because it's quite sad that he can't spend time with you, and be present for you, but will with others.

I wouldn't feel like a shag either tbh.

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:55

@ECBC sort of, yes. Also, to make him realise he can't just use me for when he wants me and then get rid of me when he doesn't. I still feel mean though...his face just dropped. He's so used to getting what he wants.

OP posts:
Alyssum34456 · 04/06/2020 19:56

It's concerning how many women think their job is to please their partner... it's a mutual thing.

Alyssum34456 · 04/06/2020 19:56

The more you write, the more awful he sounds!

Ipadipod · 04/06/2020 19:56

So he was nice to you because he wanted sex , with plans to then get on with his hobby ? He’s not really understanding the point is he ?

Nihiloxica · 04/06/2020 19:57

Does he feel mean for actually being mean?

Or do your feelings not count?

Ginkypig · 04/06/2020 19:57

You shouldn't be feeling bad you should be angry at his treatment towards you moaning!

You are not a sex doll that he can pick up when he needs then set aside when he is done with you!

You are his partner and sex is the result (normally) of a close intimate, affectionate relationship with someone who you spend time with.

He is not being a very nice partner to you at all.

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:58

But then it's the other side, where I carried on about him not having time for me, but then when he makes a bit of an effort I shut it down.

OP posts:
nikkylou · 04/06/2020 19:59

No, don't feel guilty.

You know, it sounds the same here with my DP. Spends his time doing his own thing, leaving me feeling ignored. Have a chat about it. Makes a vague display of 'effort', like initiating some action or coming to curl up on the sofa, then he feels annoyed/disappointed that I'm not in the mood for watching TV/having sex/whatever.

It's like they think the chat fixed things, they then just need to do this one action to 'spend time with you' then go back to their regular life.

So no, don't feel guilty. Insist on real change and effort. Not a singular action that, let's be honest, gets what they want anyway.

Healthyandhappy · 04/06/2020 20:00

What's that phrase. Lie bk and think of England? - my mum says this and I dont agree. If u dont wanna u dont wanna but when u say no they take hump and causes more friction. I said no st weekend and he moaned and moaned. Your body your feelings tell him what's point your head isnt in it so u wont enjoy it unless he goes down on u for 15 mins see what he says lol

Bagelsandbrie · 04/06/2020 20:01

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to spend any quality time with them? Yanbu.