Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

[Moaningmeanie]

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down)

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean

[CoffeeRunner]

What’s the hobby?

Is it something like binge watching US “drama” on TV? Or does it involve interacting with others online in some way? Or is it reading the complete works of Shakespeare & rewriting them in French?

YANBU to not want to have sex. Nobody ever is U about that.

[DamnYankee]

He's so used to getting what he wants

Why does he? Do you give up what you want to cater to him?

[Bertucci]

That sounds depressing. He wants sex but not your company?

[Lollypop701]

But was he just making an effort to shut you up/have sex with you, or was he making an effort to spend time with you that would lead to sex And time together. You know there’s a difference and you also indicated it was option A. I’d tell him to get a sec doll

[Lollypop701]

Sex doll even!

[mbosnz]

He wasn't making an effort to be with you and make time for you, he was making an effort to use time with you to his advantage.

You're not a slot machine.

[bunnyplops]

You shut it down because deep down you know he's a selfish, using wank stain.

How generous of him to make time for a shag before continuing his hobby afterwards, the day after a disagreement.

I'm guessing his hobby is gaming.

YANBU at all op.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Well, don’t feel guilty about no sex, he will get over it and you’re never obliged to have sex when you don’t feel like it.

Even though you knew he was wanting to spend time with you with the expectation of sex, you could, in future, just spend the time with him but not have sex. The two- spending time together and sex don’t both have to happen together.

I’ve often told my DH up front, yeah let’s cuddle, drink wine and watch a film but I’m not in mood for sex. And DH has shrugged and said no worries it’s nice to just spend the time together. Then we have a nice affectionate evening.

You could try that, saying yes to time together but let him know up front sex is off the menu. Because it sounds like you think by spending time with him, you are obliged to have sex and you want to spend time with him, but not have it lead to sex.

[Nihiloxica]

but then when he makes a bit of an effort I shut it down.

An effort would be actually spending time together.

Not a quick bonk before he goes back to what he really enjoys.

Do you have kids?

Because, unless you have a lot riding on this relationship, I think when you're having to beg someone to spend time with you, you're wasting your time.

[Moaningmeanie]

@Lollypop701 He was making the effort because HE was in the mood. I don't think it had anything to do with me.

[GabsAlot]

sex isnt making time for you really is it-its for him

[Josette77]

Why not just turn him down and suggest something else?

[Moaningmeanie]

@Josette77 because that wasn't an option. He had already made it clear that he had plans. He just followed me upstairs for a quick time before he got on with what he wanted to do.

[Fairenuff]

This is too cryptic to even work out what our AIBU is.

[Fairenuff]

*your

[Moaningmeanie]

@Fairenuff it's not cryptic in the slightest. The AIBU is was I being mean for turning him down?

[NoParticularPattern]

I don’t think it’s even remotely the same- you saying you don’t want to have sex with him then have him disappear off to do whatever shite he wants to do is NOT making an effort to spend time with you as a result of the argument you had. It’s him wanting to have a quick shag to make himself feel like he’s made an effort which then magically absolves him of all responsibility to actually spend time with you. I don’t blame you for turning him down, I’d have done the same thing 100%. You’re not a toy, you’re a human being with feelings that you expressed to him and he chose to ignore them again anyway (or deliberately misunderstand in an effort to get sex. Either way not great). Don’t feel guilty, he clearly doesn’t.

[Marnie76]

Why is everyone so secretive about their DH hobbies 😳 surely none of them are that unique!

[BobbieDraper]

Did you actually explain why you said no? Did you tell him that using you as a sex doll isnt what you meant.
He cant just pay attention to you when he wants sex and then jump out of bed to do his hobby. Did you actually communicate that to him?

Tell him what you need. That you want, I dont know, a game night together? Or an evening walk together? Or just watching a movie having a cuddle. Tell him that you want a relationship with him; not to spend all your time alone other than when he wants sex.

If you dont communicate then he wont understand it. If you make it clear and he says he doesnt want those things then it's time for a rethink about the relationship.

[Ginkypig]

Spending time with you and having sex with you are two separate things aren't they?
unless to you they aren't and by time with you you actually meant have sex?

If not then no one on this thread is going to be able advise you because you are not actually listening to anyone. You are reading but filtering out what most people are trying to tell you if your subsequent posts are anything to go by.

[Doggodogington]

Have you never said no to sex before? Even if you didn’t want it? Even if you were in a mood with him?

[RandomMess]

No you are not mean for turning him down. He needs to spend an awful lot of quality time with you before he even thinks it's ok to ask for sex...

It sounds like he thinks you exist as a domestic appliance to keep house and provide sex when he wants it and you have no needs or desires

[Interestedwoman]

I never turn him down

You're allowed to be 'off duty' when you want. He isn't entitled to sex.

He's so used to getting what he wants.

Time for this to change a little so things are more equal.

And as to a PP saying her OH moans if he doesn't get it when he wants,, I like to think he would be in the bin for me faster than you can say 'coercion.'

[category12]

He wasn't making an effort in order to make you happy, he was making a (minimal) effort to get a shag and then bog off. I've no idea why you feel guilty, you should be pissed off.