Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

[Moaningmeanie]

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down)

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

Of course the hobby is gaming. I would be too embarrassed as well to admit it.

[yelyah22]

Oh don't be ridiculous @CrazyTimesAreOccuring, gaming is a perfectly legitimate hobby. People who can't manage their hobbies and their real life are embarassing, not the hobbies themselves.

OP, you are absolutely 100% entitled to not have sex when you don't want to, including when you don't feel valued or like you're getting enough emotional connection or quality time with your partner. It's not mean, it's your right, and you should feel able to say no whenever you want.

It sounds like you don't want to have sex with him right now for that reason, so you were absolutely justified. However I don't think it's healthy that you've reached a point in your relationship where you're effectively pointscoring/turning him down just to make a point (although as I said it sounds like you didn't necessarily want sex anyway, which is fine!).

What would have been healthier would be to sit with him and say, I don't feel valued or like we get any quality time, and it makes me not want to have sex with you when I know I'm effectively being used as a sex toy before you go and do something else. If you want to have sex, there needs to be an improvement in how much quality time we spend together, and it needs to be with a view to you enjoying sex and time spent WITH ME, not sex as a means to an end.

Lying and saying you wanted to watch Netflix and then adding the dig in about his hobby probably felt momentarily satisfying, but it didn't solve anything. Talk to him honestly. And if he can't see why his behaviour makes you not to want to have sex with him, get a counsellor.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Err, YANBU. That's really all.

'I feel bad for pointing out politely to the man that treats me like a domestic appliance that I don't want to be used for sex this evening.'

[Disabrie22]

I find sex a bit like going out, I usually feel like I can be bothered but then enjoy myself when I get there 😂

[SpacePug]

I think spending time together is harder these days since we can't go to the cinema/out for a meal etc so it does involve the same things over and over again (watch a movie, play a game, go for a walk) but I get that some evenings you just want to hang out with him and watch something together rather than do your own thing. We do bit of both, if I say shall we hang out tonight we watch a film together usually. And some nights he's on his PC and I'm watching tv/playing on my switch alone. It's nice to do both but spending time together is important. Maybe have another chat with him about how you felt sad that he came to have sex with you but you knew he wouldn't want to hang out with you afterwards