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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

105 replies

Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 19:47

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down) Sad

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean Sad

OP posts:
FancyPants20 · 04/06/2020 20:42

I got annoyed with my toaster the other day when it completely failed to toast my bread. You had ONE JOB, toaster!

Does he think you're some sort of appliance ? Do you think you are? Why on earth would you feel mean about not being used as some sort of live-in prostitute?

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2020 20:43

"He's so used to getting what he wants." He is very lucky.

I am sorry you do not get what you want more often.

It's totally fine not to want to have sex. I think it is pretty normal. Maybe sometimes you want, sometimes you don't. He does sound very selfish.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 04/06/2020 20:50

Maybe it will be good for him to relaise that a quickie before he spends his evening doing his own thing, doesnt equate to spending quality time together

Dahlietta · 04/06/2020 20:58

Are you in the UK? You were upstairs by 7:30pm because he had 'a big night' planned? With his hobby?

Original poster
Moaningmeanie · 04/06/2020 21:04

@Dahlietta Yes Blush that's how it is most nights. He works hard and likes his time alone. Hence our argument last night Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/06/2020 21:06

Did you say no to prove a point or Did you say no because you weren’t in the mood?

If just to prove a point, yes it’s a bit petty, if it’s because you didn’t wish to that’s not remotely mean and the way it should be,

BabyBrainJane · 04/06/2020 21:08

You feel mean because you’re worried that in some way you’ve cut your nose off to spite your face. You haven’t 💐

You are right to hold out for better. You asked him for his time and he thought that a nice shag on his timeline would make him feel nice, throw you some crumbs and he could then carry on a normal.

He was dead wrong xx

Greenmarmalade · 04/06/2020 21:11

I need time on my own to recharge. I sometimes stay up really late just to achieve it. Do you spend lots of time together in the day/early evening?

RandomMess · 04/06/2020 21:13

DH always needs time to himself, he is an introvert. That however never meant a whole evening on his own probably an hour maybe an hour and half most days.

Pulled his fair share around the house and with the DC, we had sex most nights - at most that would be an hour and when we we went to bed. I'm not a fan of sex taking hours tbh.

Your DH is incredibly selfish.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 04/06/2020 21:13

He sounds a right charmer. I think he needs to stop treating you like a sex object and get himself a blow up doll.

Dahlietta · 04/06/2020 21:14

Blimey, OP, that does sound like a very weird set up. And it's not you that is out of order.

highmarkingsnowbile · 04/06/2020 21:14

You're so worn down by being used by this emotional arsewipe that you feel mean for not being his warm blow up doll. He's ground you down so low you honestly feel your self worth is as his blow up doll with a pulse.

He uses you as a wank sock.

He wants to be alone so he can game because he 'works hard' but likes to keep you around as the bang maid.

You are not being mean. He, however, is being a total cock to you.

Eckhart · 04/06/2020 21:15

Has he misunderstood last night's conversation, and heard 'We don't have enough sex' when you said 'We don't spend enough time together'?

All your comments seem to be about what he wants, OP, and how you feel guilty that he doesn't get it. What do you want?

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2020 21:18

Hold on you have to be upstairs because he wants to be alone downstairs

OP this doesnt sound like a good partnership

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 21:18

^Did you say no to prove a point or Did you say no because you weren’t in the mood?

If just to prove a point, yes it’s a bit petty, if it’s because you didn’t wish to that’s not remotely mean and the way it should be,^

I don't see it as a dichotomy. You can be physically horny for someone who's treating you badly, treating you badly is still a turn off and a perfectly decent to turn someone down.

It has to be, otherwise men could duff us up and if we fancy them we then give them a shag (which happens with some people, but isn't an ideal scenario.)

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 21:19

*decent reason

Clutterbugsmum · 04/06/2020 21:19

The AIBU is was I being mean for turning him down

No you should feel unreasonable, you told him how felt, and his answer was to 'ask' for a quick shag to shut you up so he could carry on about whatever he wants with having to worry about your feeling.

4amWitchingHour · 04/06/2020 21:23

YANBU. You can turn down sex whenever you want and for whatever reason. You weren't in the mood. Who can blame you?

You're way too invested in his feelings and not invested enough in your own. Get on with watching Netflix, shut down any guilt as you have nothing to feel guilty about, and start thinking about how YOU want to live YOUR life - your needs, your wants.

gamerchick · 04/06/2020 21:24

He spends his evenings alone? What's the point of him then?

Seperate houses would sort that out.

SallyWD · 04/06/2020 21:25

You never turn him down? Really? I'm always knackered and often turn down my husband. He doesn't take it personally and we do have sex fairly frequently so it's not like he's deprived.

Puddlejuice · 04/06/2020 21:29

What do your lives look like at the moment, is anyone out of the house or WFH?
Your post does not really make a huge amount of sense without context.

Fairenuff · 04/06/2020 21:30

I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix

So what was his big night he had planned downstairs?

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 21:34

What is the point of this? Does he just see you as a warm hole to empty his balls into? Why are you with him?

pinktaxi · 04/06/2020 21:37

I'd have told him to fuck off.

Bleepbloopblarp · 04/06/2020 21:38

He doesn’t like spending time with you and you don’t really want to have sex with him. Sounds like the relationship is pretty much over tbh! I’m shocked that you feel the need to come on MN to ask if you’re mean for refusing sex from your (seemingly) completely disinterested DH. Are you young and/or naive? (I don’t mean this in a cruel way, just you sound young maybe).

Id say leave him and then he’ll have all the time in the world for his precious hobby..