Urgh...I feel so mean for saying no to DH :(

[Moaningmeanie]

I'm sat here feeling guilty and really mean for turning DH down tonight. He was being very sweet about it and basically said he wanted to have sex. I wasn't mean to him but just politely told him to go and get on with his big night he had planned downstairs as I wanted to watch some netflix (a lie).

He looked really hurt (or maybe shocked because I never turn him down)

Back story - we had words last night about him being obsessive about his hobby and he could never make time for me. Tonight he maybe did make time for me, but just for sex, he was planning on spending the evening alone afterwards.

I don't know whether I feel empowered that the tables have turned or just really, really mean

[MashedSpud]

His big night alone probably includes a headset, an xbox one or PS4, online friends and a game.

[OliviaPopeRules]

he sounds like a dick, do you ever do stuff together?

[Icklepicklewoo]

He could lie with you and watch tele instead. Sometimes when it's booked in it is abit forced. Much nicer to happen naturally x

[EngagedAgain]

Don't feel guilty that would make you feel very used wouldn't it? I eventually got fed up with my OH because he would either 1. Fall asleep after (but I get that tends to be a genuine natural thing with men?) 2. Revert back to his selfish ways/or start looking at phone, or 3. Immediately get ready to go out, leaving me feeling used.

[ChocolateChipMuffin2016]

YANBU to say no to your DH. My DH likes to play Xbox of an evening on occasion, I don’t mind, if it was every night I would be angry (it’s not, it’s more like once a fortnight, or 2 days one week and then none for 3 weeks). If he wanted to get laid and then play Xbox every night I’d tell him to fuck off.
Are you seriously saying your DH never spends any down time with you? Because that’s pretty shit. My relationship is far from perfect but me and DH chat about crap, debate the news, I ask him stupid scenario questions based on AIBU, and he always says “on Mumsnet again huh” (he loves it really!). It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship if you don’t spend any time together, have you asked him to spend an evening with you? Could you do a date night of sorts?

[Gncq]

I'm another one immediately thinking the OP partner is gamer.

I've been in a relationship with a gamer. It's a waste of your life.

[Thehop]

Jesus of course YANBU.

You’re not a wank sock! He didn’t make time for you he was nice to you to get a shag then wanted to leave you in your room out of the way whilst he had more fun.....at no point did he want to spend time with you, he wanted sex!

You surely realise you deserve better?

[Queenoftheashes]

So you moaned because he spends all his time playing video games so he offered to knob you for ten minutes and then spend all night on his console and you feel bad for saying no?
Jfc.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I still feel mean though...his face just dropped. He's so used to getting what he wants."

His behaviour is appalling; you need to stop feeling mean and start feeling angry. Angry that he views you as a domestic appliance that dispenses sex on demand. That's shitty behaviour on his part.

[CaptainNelson]

OP, what you're describing sounds so much like my ex. He would always interpret 'spend time together' as 'have sex' - he seemed incapable of just spending time with me doing non-sexual things unless he thought they would lead to sex. If not, he'd rather be on his own at his computer.
Basically, this is a man for whom you have no value and who does not respect you or your feelings. Do not feel guilty. Recognise this for what it is, and if you can't get him to recognise it, get out.

[BertieBotts]

The hobby is probably gaming and OP doesn't want the whole thread derailed into a discussion about how gamers are lazy, childish and unsexy, as is mumsnet's wont.

Have you had a conversation about the kinds of things you actually want to do together? I don't think there's that much wrong with doing your own separate thing of an evening, DH and I generally do, but we do also do things together as well and I don't feel abandoned, I like having my own space to do stuff. Maybe you're just not very compatible?

[MulticolourMophead]

OP, the fact that he works hard doesn't mean he gets a free pass on the relationship. It's ok to want to spend sometime alone with your hobby, but that can't be at the expense of spending time with your partner in a non-sexual way.

It sounds like he only spends time with you when he wants sex, so to me that means your relationship is terminal.

I'd get out and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you, who likes to chat and watch tv together, etc. Don't waste any more time on this jerk.

[Ilovesausages]

I’m intrigued that you ‘politely’ told him no thanks to a shag.

It sounds like you guys need to talk...

[Cornishclio]

There is a word for someone who is just used for sex which is what your DH is doing. Can you honestly say you want to be with him when he makes no time for you unless he wants sex? Whether or not he works hard he is not making any effort with your relationship.

[WinterSunglasses]

He works hard and likes his time alone.

He isn't really showing that he's grasped the problem you might have with that yet. Don't feel bad. I would be planning many, many nights of Netflix watching by myself in response, possibly with a side order of planning my new life without him after lockdown ends.

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

What's the hobby? Does he force you to be upstairs when he does it? Why didn't you say you might feel like it later after you've done X together? Do you suggest doing things together?

Also, why is having sex "getting what he wants"? It seems to be a common thing on MN to use sex as punishments for husbands. Like "he doesn't clean up so withhold sex until he does. Or "stop doing al cooking, cleaning and sex". It's so weird. Sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable and not used as a weird kind of currency. If it isn't mutually enjoyable and is being used as a punishment/in exchange for tasks then the relationship isn't right.

[TheLashKingOfScotland]

I'm so confused by this. Surely this isn't the first time in your married life that you've said 'no' to sex ? It's not 'mean' to refuse sex. 'Mean' makes you sound like a child.

[PickAChew]

He only made a bit of an effort, though. When you're struggling with being in the mood, you need more than a bit of an effort. You need an opportunity to get some proper intimacy back.

[EmeraldShamrock]

No don't feel bad he should've used the time to be kind caring and sweet without expecting sex. He doesn't get it, it isn't a case of hobby or you. I get it when you just want them present.

[EmeraldShamrock]

The hobby is gaming?

[Muh2020]

He's a bit of a twat though, isn't he?

[Namenic]

Just explain to him how you feel - ie you don’t feel in the mood because he will just have sex and abandon you after.

Say that you appreciate that he works hard and needs some down time, but you feel you are becoming distant because you don’t spend quality time together. Could he take 1 or 2 days holiday to tag into a weekend and spend that time with you?

[BubblyBarbara]

This is why you need to set boundaries early on in a relationship and reject sexual advances frequently so they get trained to actually put some effort in and not just get it offered up on a plate every time they ask. I make my DH work for it.

Also, to make him realise he can't just use me for when he wants me and then get rid of me when he doesn't.

To be fair to him, do you really want to hang out with HIM when you don't want to? Surely there should be some give and take with this. You don't need to be in each others' pockets all the time.

[PissedOffPartner]

@Moaningmeanie Out of curiosity, what's the hobby.

Of course, my answer is YANBU. You are setting yourself up to feel bad by saying yes all of the time. It has to be a two way street.

[Catmaiden]

YANBU.
THAT IS ALL
LTB