To think I might not have many friends soon?

[PikeletvsCrumpet]

I work full time and my dd is in reception. I've only ever been able to do three school pick ups. DD doesn't mind. My only worry is that I'm the only full time working mum in my dd's class and I feel so lonely.
Actually I don't feel lonely. I get to go to work and speak to people all day. What I feel is left out and so, as a result, my dd is also left out. I've tried to ignore it but the amount of school stuff that happens after pick up, after drop off, at 5pm when I'm collecting ds from nursery and dd from school and trying not to get chips (again!) on the way home.
Since Covid started I have felt particularly left out as I'm a key worker and the other parents have been sending constant images of days in the garden, extensive home school projects etc whilst I've been trying to convince my dd that it's completely normal to have school in a new class room with only three other kids that she's never met before and a different teacher. Now the other kids are allowed back I feel nothing has changed, my dd is still the only kid back and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for our situation on the group chats when they're discussing their plans to stay home till September.
Will it affect my dd and her socialising? I've messaged a few mums about meeting up but as soon as I say 'how about after 5pm or Saturday or Sunday?' they stop replying. Or the ever so helpful 'you can't take a day off?' No I can't take annual leave to meet you in a park next week. I'm going to need all my A/L to cover the summer holidays!
I know I'm not the first mum in the world who works, so maybe I picked the wrong school? Does anyone else feel like this?

My friends who I made during pregnancy are also dropping off, fed up that I don't reply or can't see them in the week. Tbh I get fed up that no one wants to meet me at weekends, which is dedicated husband time apparently. Just worried that everyone will drift and I'll have no one to talk to.

Are there any mums standing alone on the 3 days you can do pick up? Try talking to them, they may be feeling the same way but too shy to say anything. The times when I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone are when I made friends (living in another part of the country or at baby groups as a new mum). I sympathise because it's tough feeling isolated. Doesn't help if it feels like there are cliques, but I wonder if a clique is merely a friendship group that you don't feel part of? x

Don't have any advice but just wanted to say thanks and also people that matter will make time, them that don't? Screw em! I know it's harder when your in it but it's a life lesson worth learning for your dd

@AquarianSquirrel I'm quite naturally outgoing and I do talk to many of the mums but the problem is my lack of time. We message a few times but as soon as they realise I'm not free in the day or after school it sort of fizzles out.
One mum who I had an amazing friendship with is now replying one word answers when I ask how things are and if she is ok. Maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't seem like she thinks I'm going to be a good friend.

@PikeletvsCrumpet I'm in need of friends! You can talk to me! What region are you in, do you mind me asking? North Yorkshire here

That’s a shame, but I wouldn’t worry too much. Your child will make her own friends in school, and you have your friends at work. When she goes to secondary school it’ll be harder. But your child will be making her own social life.

What happened to the friends you had before you became a mum? Do your friends have to be mothers? Your DD will make friends in class one day, she doesn't need your friends for that.

Do you have friends from before you had children? Or from any hobbies? Dont worry too much about your dd, come sept things will starting looking a bit more like the old normal (hopefully), you cant expect others to send their children back to suit you though, everyone is doing what is best for their own child, as they should. To me your posta reads that you're expecting others to be flexible and change their norm for you but you wont. Theres no way I'd meet anyone after 5pm, my dds are 5 and 2, I have dinner on the table at 5.30 for my husband getting home from work and then get everything done so my dds go to bed at 7pm. I would meet on a weekend occasionally but there are already lots of other commitments. Sorry you're finding it tough

I mean this kindly but I don't think it's going to work to expect others to be able to change their routines to fit yours. You say they're not considering you when they decided not to keep send their children back to school but I doubt that really even entered their heads to be honest, they are just concerned about keeping their children safe. It's not surprising if friends give up if you don't reply or have time for them. After 5 is late for a play date for such young children, many will be having tea and baths and then bed shortly after. If the weekends are the only family time they get then that you can't blame them for keeping that.
Your daughter doesn't need you to be friends with parents in order for her to make friends so please don't worry about that side of things. But that doesn't help you with your situation. Could you suggest a night out (when things return to some sort of normal) with the mums, so no children involved? Or host a family BBQ so whole families could come if you do get a day off one weekend?

I think it is best to concentrate on finding fellow parents in wider society. There is a big difference in lifestyle between non working mums or those mums who are very part time and then those mums who work full time hours and are hard at it.

You will find op that there are parents everywhere. School mums gather in cliques very quickly and you may have already missed the boat. It is just the way the world works. Slowly and steadily work on fostering good relations with fellow parents of young children at work and any other groups you may be able to join. That is the best way forward. You can always do playdates for your daughter slowly and you may even find a fellow mum at pick up or drop off of the playdate that you click with.

Families will always put their partners/husbands first at weekends or evenings so if you happen to be a single parent you will find you have more in common with those who are also single parents. There may be some at work. You can mutually offload there if need be other than that single parents are everywhere and you may find some at your daughter's extra curricular activities who you bond with.

You don't work 7 days a week. Come on.

Find the friendliest most connected mum and make overtures.

A group of us met through school we had a drunken book club. One friend brought x with her who she introduced as mum of a girl in our class we had never even seen as she worked full time and had a nanny. Nicest kindest funniest woman ever we all still firm friends 10 years later

I’ve found more of us are working by the time they’re in year 4. I only do one pick up a week so planned play dates for that day but dd3’s best friend can’t do that day so we do a weekend but morning or afternoon so it’s not a whole day. My best friends came from dd1’s year but aren’t mums of dd1’s best friends. Quite a large chunk of the mums I have nothing in common with.

Overall, don’t worry about school playground friends. Having done the school run until year 3 I am glad to be away from the drama. Back in Dec I was having an affair with one of the dads apparently (someone told dh). Even when I don’t do school run I get caught up in this shit. Dh just laughed luckily - he knew I wasn’t

I think realistically you need to seek out people with a similar timetable to you as these people don't sound flexible. I can imagine an evening playdates would be awkward.

I’ve made more mum friends through my kids hobbies than at school xx

which is dedicated husband time apparently.

You say this quite disparagingly, which I don't think is very fair. For a lot of families (including ours) weekends are the only time they'll all get to spend together. I can fully understand why parents at the school gate wouldn't be interested in meeting you for a play date with your child on a weekend when they have other things they want to do.

In the nicest possible way, it isn't really their problem that you can't make it to the things mid-week, and I say this as a mother who works full time myself. Ultimately, your child will make their own friends and hopefully when they're a bit older they'll be able to have play dates after school etc which you're not required to attend and therefore aren't held back by your working hours.

I only take my dc to school once a week. I joined the committee of the outbid school club, which by its very nature is populated by parents who can’t often drop off their children.

Yes committees or a small role on the pta? Despite the myths I have found that attracts some dedicated working parents.

Yes, really relate to this. DD is 22 now but I always worked full time - overseas everyone did too so it was easy. After returning to the UK when she was five, (sole parent), I couldn't do a single drop off, and collected at 5.30pm at after school club. DD was always in holiday clubs and none of the other children were. Partly I do think it was school related and also the area I came back to, as there were very few mothers who worked. DD was still invited to birthday parties and I made connections there - I took the odd day as holiday and had two or three children over (during school holidays) and made it really different and fun. Then DD would be invited back on two or three occasions.

Even now, I'm in touch with a couple of the parents - some of whom were incredibly lovely to me and (for example) took DD home when the school water supply stopped and I was in a meeting and uncontactable. Largely though, I made friends outside of DD's friends' parents, and I really treasured my weekends with her anyway.

In reception there us generally loads of kids parties . This hasn’t happened recently obviously .

Your lives are different . I work full time and have done stuff with my Ds. It doesn’t need to take all day but we have done things we wouldn’t normally do together because these are different times . I also share them on Fb because as a Lp I don’t have a lot else to talk about. It’s my only way of been in the world.

Your Dd will be doing things in school.

It isn’t that long till summer holidays and if you are taking leave for that then you could meet up then . But if your Dd hasn’t seen them for months you aren’t friends - I haven’t seen my friends except the odd door step drop off so no I wouldn’t be meeting you right now .

I know you say you are a keyworker but are there options for you to start and finish earlier one day a week ? Keyworker is not very specific so no idea

Also tethered seems to be a lot of you not replying

I think people only inherently only think about themselves. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I'm echoing what you said about weekends and their husbands. It's just the way it is. Things will naturally fall into place sometime. As long as her home life with you is happy, that's the most important thing.

Sorry, just woke up! Maybe I didn't phrase the op very well. I have friends from before kids, I also have friends with children who I met through different things. My worry is that whilst Jago's mum and Rupert's mum are making plans with the class to meet up (pre-Covid) with the whole class on a Friday afternoon, my dd is watching them all go off whilst she goes back to her Childminder's or after school club. I feel like she's missing out.
I don't expect other parents to change their routines to suit mine but it's also not fair for them to comment 'ahh that's a shame' every time they invite me to another play date at 3pm. I am so grateful for the invite but I just can't take time off like that. I'm trying to build my career and it's difficult to ask to leave when you I have an important meeting at 2pm which will definitely go on until half four. Obviously I don't tell the other mum all this! Why is it more unreasonable to suggest a weekend play date rather than they expect me to take annual leave? I have a partner, I don't have to stay with him for every 48 hours of the weekend!
The return to school thing usually goes like this on the WhatsApp
Me: Hi everyone! Can anyone remind me if it's no nuts in the lunchbox?
Other mum; I don't know, Alexis isn't going to school until September
Me: Ok no worries :)
Other mum: Yes we just don't really feel it's safe and likely to do psychological harm to insist they socially distance and don't touch
Me: Ok, good, I'm sure dd will enjoy seeing Alexis in September :)
Other mum: Sorry to hear you have to send dd back, good luck!!! I have a friend who's NHS too, she's taken five months off unpaid to avoid the risk of sending her dc's back to school, is that an option?
Me: no not really lol, who would look after the patients?

I worked pt 2 1/2 days a week when my DC were at primary. I felt a bit excluded by the SAHM brigade for actually daring to work and similarly if I occasionally got in a conversation with a mum who worked FT at a party then some of them had a superior attitude almost bragging that they never did school pick ups. But similarly like your friends as DH was out of the house for 12 1/2 hours a day Monday to Friday then weekends and after 6pm was tea time and time for the kids and myself to spend time with DH. So we rarely accepted invitations other than a birthday party during these times.

Yes, but to be fair playing mid afternoon meets a need for those parents just like going to after school meets a need for you- can your child not meet friends there perhaps?

Other mum: Yes we just don't really feel it's safe and likely to do psychological harm to insist they socially distance and don't touch
Me: Ok, good, I'm sure dd will enjoy seeing Alexis in September smile

Yes quite a few are concerned about the virus and might be as well if you are a key worker unfortunately atm

Other mum: Sorry to hear you have to send dd back, good luck!!! I have a friend who's NHS too, she's taken five months off unpaid to avoid the risk of sending her dc's back to school, is that an option?
Me: no not really lol, who would look after the patients?

Sorry to hear you had this, how ridiculous of the other mother.

I get it, really. Not dissimilar here. Would it be possible (in normal times) for any of the other mums to take your DD with them on their after school trips? A few times my childminder would text and ask if DS or dd could go home with x after school as they'd asked for a playdate. I'd have to email the school to authorise it but it worked nicely for the kids.