To think I might not have many friends soon?

[PikeletvsCrumpet]

I work full time and my dd is in reception. I've only ever been able to do three school pick ups. DD doesn't mind. My only worry is that I'm the only full time working mum in my dd's class and I feel so lonely.
Actually I don't feel lonely. I get to go to work and speak to people all day. What I feel is left out and so, as a result, my dd is also left out. I've tried to ignore it but the amount of school stuff that happens after pick up, after drop off, at 5pm when I'm collecting ds from nursery and dd from school and trying not to get chips (again!) on the way home.
Since Covid started I have felt particularly left out as I'm a key worker and the other parents have been sending constant images of days in the garden, extensive home school projects etc whilst I've been trying to convince my dd that it's completely normal to have school in a new class room with only three other kids that she's never met before and a different teacher. Now the other kids are allowed back I feel nothing has changed, my dd is still the only kid back and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for our situation on the group chats when they're discussing their plans to stay home till September.
Will it affect my dd and her socialising? I've messaged a few mums about meeting up but as soon as I say 'how about after 5pm or Saturday or Sunday?' they stop replying. Or the ever so helpful 'you can't take a day off?' No I can't take annual leave to meet you in a park next week. I'm going to need all my A/L to cover the summer holidays!
I know I'm not the first mum in the world who works, so maybe I picked the wrong school? Does anyone else feel like this?

My friends who I made during pregnancy are also dropping off, fed up that I don't reply or can't see them in the week. Tbh I get fed up that no one wants to meet me at weekends, which is dedicated husband time apparently. Just worried that everyone will drift and I'll have no one to talk to.

It is really hard,I would be worried about my DD too, you arent doing anything wrong but mums do like to beat themselves up, however unless DD is upset or feeling left out I wouldnt worry.
Do you need to go on a playdate with DD? If she has an invite can her friends mum pick her up from school rather than the CM? Does DD have any particular close friend(s) ? Can you concentrate on those friends and invite them over saturday afternoon for example, or during the holidays when you have a day off? If their child is good friends with your DD they may be more open about weekends. Many parents might want to ringfence weekends as family time but not all and tbh 5pm is late for a playdate.
I would also.look out for other mums at school gate who are standing alone, school gates can be very clicky.

I am in a very similar situation OP, and can offer sympathy. One thing I found helped was to hire an after school babysitter (in our case a local student) to pick up DS on Fridays and take him to the park with other families. This means DS has good free socialising time with his friends, and if the weather is good, I can pick him up from the park 5.30/6 on the way home, allowing me to say a quick hello to other parents. Also, our babysitter chats to the other parents and keeps me uptodate on what is going on, so if say a mum has been ill, I can drop her a quick message wishing her a speedy recovery or offering help. I’m not yet close friends with the other parents, but definitely feeling a bit more connected.

Just a quick point -
At our local school you would not have been the only Ft working mum in reception but it was more uncommon and there was a large proportion of sahp and lots with younger siblings/babies.

By juniors (yr3) things had completely changed and the sahp were in the minority with most working.
So things will change.
Also as the children get older their socialising gets more separate to yours.

I would echo what someone else suggested about looking at clubs on Saturday mornings - obviously when stuff gets back to normal.

My dd would do ballet for half an hour while a group of the mums chatted. It really cemented our friendships. I’ve also made good friends at swimming lessons.

I’m in the same position. I’ve found it worse at primary school, especially when they would write notices to parents on a white board in the playground for the next day! So I’d have no idea what was going - think school uniform on a non school uniform day. High school is much better and my DD has friends outside of school now from holiday clubs etc. The husband thing is so true! What annoyed me is that they seem to think you booking a day off for an hour long play date is fine, but you suggesting they take an hour out of their family time on a Saturday is unacceptable. Why can’t they bring their family and husband to the park or for a coffee?
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone

When it comes to friends quality is better than quantity so reach out to people who seem kind and forget those who arent interested..

Also - by juniors there tends to (sadly) be a few relationship breakdowns so the whole husband time at the weekend thing might be less of an issue....

It’s a long game, just relax about it, things will change and not stay the same and friendships will naturally form with the mums of the children your dd forms close relationships with.

I find it really sad that a 4-5 yo was only collected 3 times by their mother from Sept to March.

Save the crocodile tears. Some of us prioritise providing for our children.

I find it really sad that a 4-5 yo was only collected 3 times by their mother from Sept to March

I'd find it much fucking sadder to be unable to pay rent and buy food, but ymmv.

Well done you are parent of the year! What could all the full time working parents be thinking about working to provide for their kids...

Could @SoloMummy's entire post have been any more pass-agg and tone deaf?

I hope you saved some tears for all those children who never get picked up by their dads at all.

@solomummy But I personally chose to work pt so that I can drop and collect my child,

👏 👏 well bully for you. Not all of us can afford to make that decision

Some of this could be a communication issue - why are you assuming that an after school play date must include you, and therefore be scheduled after work? It's your DD that's invited. If I have a child over after school, whose parent works, they collect from me after work instead of after school club. You are making something simple into something complicated.

I don't think you can take the recent posts personally either. The issues they are dealing with (home schooling, boredom) are different than yours.

In fact, I don't think any of it is personal. You say you have friends at work, can you honestly say you give the same time, consideration and level of friendship to people who visit your office 3 times a year as those you see every day? They might be lovely people but they aren't part of your life in the same way, and that's okay.

Strange that all the other mums don't work. The mums I was friends with all worked.
I worked part when my kids were younger and saw the
other mums just chatting all the time.

I did Saturday playdates. Or on my days off I would pick up DDs friends and do a playdate after school.

A lot of SAHM who may never have worked, just don't understand... not all off them, but many of them in my experience have no idea of working life.

I’ve never understood the after school play date thing. It never happened to me as a child.

really? That was very common when I was a child. Go home with friend, play and eat with friend. It never even stopped when we were teens! Just no parent involvement.

If you are around, you just pick one or more children with your own, they play and you give them tea. It means you have a free afternoon another day when your own goes with friends. What's not to like?

A lot of SAHM who may never have worked, just don't understand

I'd love to know how many women have never experienced a day of work in their entire life

OP I'm in a similar position. Both dp and I work fulltime. Dd is in reception. I do no pick ups as I can't get home in time.

I've got to know other parents in dd's year, and we're the only family with both parents working fulltime.

This is how I've met other parents. Dd does a local weekend activity, and that gives us the chance to chat to other parents. Fortunately, some are at her school.

Before covid, we frequently organised weekend playdates at our house or in the park. We'd invite 2 or 3 at a time so that of someone says no, we still have a playdate. We'd make sure fathers were invited too. Some parents have been open to this, others have not, some have just wanted to drop their kids off and not come in themselves.

Another parent did a lovely thing. Her house is big enough that she had a Halloween party. She told me she wanted to get to know other parents. She had planned to do an Easter party but obviously couldn't.

I'm still working too, fulltime, unlike many of the mothers that in dd's class. I honestly cry when I see some of their WhatsApp messages about the lovely time they are having.

Esmesmommy

Why can’t they bring their family and husband to the park or for a coffee?

you should find the threads on here shocked and loudly complaining about women (usually women) who have dared done just so in the past

Bringing partner or family to a "playdate" is not acceptable in any shape or form on MN It is only the sign of a weak or abused wife.

when 1 or 2 partners work during the week, I fail to understand why it's so hard to comprehend that people would rather see each other and have plans than make small talk with a near stranger for an hour play date .

I empathise, OP, and I’m currently a SAHM. I think sometimes you just get a group of mums like this. I was talking to friends the other day (made outside the school btw; I’ve no ‘good’ friends from school) and they said similarly. Two children each and one class would have a good, non-dramatic WhatsApp group and the other would have one full of cattiness.

This doesn’t really help right now in this situation but the way I found ‘mum friends’ was via volunteering. In my specific case it was the NCT and their Nearly New sales (always held on Saturdays so there’s a range of working/SAHM) and organising their Saturday morning group for working parents. I’m only giving these as examples but maybe look out there for groups your DD might be interested in, and help out? Brownies? Rainbows? The parents I know who volunteer for those groups almost all work full time as well and understand the value of time and needing to socialise when you can!

Also a caveat, your mileage may vary, local groups can differ and we might just be lucky. It’s worth a try though. I haven’t cracked the school gate yet and we’re almost done with primary!

I feel I should add, volunteering gives you a topic/shared task as a topic of conversation with other parents, with the option to talk about your children but that’s not the focus.. Unlike school gate which almost always is “kids, teachers, do anything nice this weekend”

@solomummy get off your high horse will you? Not all people can afford to be part time or stay at home parents at a time when most jobs lack flexibility and economic prospects are dire.

My eldest is 13 and I have worked full time since maternity leave (twice).

I found it quite hard when my eldest was young but what I learnt was it'll get better in time.

Your child will find their own friends, there will be parties to attend, they'll start having sleepovers. You can have big parties to get to know people.

You will always miss out on the post-pick up activities but it is what it is.

Your child will not suffer as there will be others in the same position, you might suffer as you won't get the socialisation and support from other Mums that others get but there is literally nothing you can do about this.

I would just look to keep making opportunities and grasping opportunities as they arrive.

bit harsh SoloMummy

kids finish at 3pm here! It makes no difference if they are brought by a parent to their afternoon clubs or if they are joining one with the school.

I'd rather my kids having a blast doing sport and whatever hobby and club they like than going home with a parent and being plonked in front of the tv until tea at 5, bed at 6 because I need my "me time".

You can generalise both ways...

Then maybe you should have thought of that before having them! Not being able to collect your infant aged child from school is awful for the child. That lack of involvement in their school life has a real negative impact. Educationally and emotionally.

Your reasoning seems a little confused. Everyone needs to provide for their children -- you have just offloaded that onto someone else.

I was and am involved in DS's school life, I just, like many people, have a job. This job prevents me doing school drop-offs and pick-ups. Fortunately, the school (by its nature run by people who work, whether or not they are parents) is aware of this, and doesn't frame its interaction with parents about their child's progress or happiness around drop-offs or pick-ups.

I'd be fascinated to see evidence that parents not doing drop-offs and pick-ups has a detrimental effect on the children. DS is in a gifted and talented programme, so my total uninvolvement in his education (in your view) doesn't seem to have wrecked his school life.