To think I might not have many friends soon?

[PikeletvsCrumpet]

I work full time and my dd is in reception. I've only ever been able to do three school pick ups. DD doesn't mind. My only worry is that I'm the only full time working mum in my dd's class and I feel so lonely.
Actually I don't feel lonely. I get to go to work and speak to people all day. What I feel is left out and so, as a result, my dd is also left out. I've tried to ignore it but the amount of school stuff that happens after pick up, after drop off, at 5pm when I'm collecting ds from nursery and dd from school and trying not to get chips (again!) on the way home.
Since Covid started I have felt particularly left out as I'm a key worker and the other parents have been sending constant images of days in the garden, extensive home school projects etc whilst I've been trying to convince my dd that it's completely normal to have school in a new class room with only three other kids that she's never met before and a different teacher. Now the other kids are allowed back I feel nothing has changed, my dd is still the only kid back and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for our situation on the group chats when they're discussing their plans to stay home till September.
Will it affect my dd and her socialising? I've messaged a few mums about meeting up but as soon as I say 'how about after 5pm or Saturday or Sunday?' they stop replying. Or the ever so helpful 'you can't take a day off?' No I can't take annual leave to meet you in a park next week. I'm going to need all my A/L to cover the summer holidays!
I know I'm not the first mum in the world who works, so maybe I picked the wrong school? Does anyone else feel like this?

My friends who I made during pregnancy are also dropping off, fed up that I don't reply or can't see them in the week. Tbh I get fed up that no one wants to meet me at weekends, which is dedicated husband time apparently. Just worried that everyone will drift and I'll have no one to talk to.

It's tough to see others having the choices we'd sometimes like to be offered. I've been in a similar situation to you but a few years ago now. I can only say it's really not worth getting upset by these mums who have no idea what you're dealing with. In my own case, these very same mums became my absolute angel-rescue-squad over the years by inviting my child round after school to help me out when I was delayed at work. It gets easier as the kids get older and can go without you - hang on in there!

We only meet up with family or other families at the weekend. Only time dh is around be quite shit for him if I took kids off to see a friend leaving him out. He wants to hang out with me and them. What with work and kids activities we down to one day together a week spending it with a school mum just isn’t going to happen. Most families I know are like this.

You seem to have stumbled on an odd group of mums if they were the only replies you had to your lunchbox question.

As an aside, did you really ask that about nuts?

I’m on three separate WhatsApp groups for school stuff and would nobody would send replies like those.

Sorry OP, another who thinks your schedule is unreasonable to expect other parents to fit into - 5pm is when play dates end, unless the child is having dinner with the playdate family. It's that 3:30 - 5pm time that's free to play, at 5pm start, what time do you expect the other child to be collected? It would be straight from playdate to bed for most children that age, which doesn't work well for many kids who need some wind down time.

Perhaps ask what clubs they do on weekends, if you can get your DD into the same tennis/gym/football/dance/swimming class as others friends?

Also with the summer holidays coming up, if you have planned to take some days off to just be at home with DD, can you offer to have a friend over for a couple of hours on one or two days, this will give the other parent a bit of a break, so more likely to say yes.

From my own experience, many parents who are full time at home start returning to work from year 1 onwards, so you might find more friends of DD at the childminders. Plus from year 1 more after school activities start, if you haven't got her name down for Rainbows and Beavers yet, do add her, they usually start after 5pm so she could do them.

YANBU to ask for a different time OP, but I can see both sides of this. If it's convenient for most of the mums to meet up after school and go to the park, that's what they'll do. It's not that they prefer the company of the DC or the DMs who can do that time over you and your DD, but people do what works for them. To me, 5pm is going home for tea time. If I meet a DM in the park at 5pm it means not being home until 6.30, which is then too late to eat and do homework and get the DC into bed at a reasonable time. It also means going home for a bit, then going out again, which is a PITA - and all to accommodate someone else's work schedule. If my DC was friends with your DD though I would agree to meet at the weekend.

Im sorry for your daughter, she must feel left out. But its noones fault really. If the other mums dont work, then they would prefer to meet up in the day time. They probably have to make dinner in the evenings and spend time with their partner. Perhaps you could host a get together with the mums, a meal out?

I'm the opposite. I'm a sahm and most mums at my children's school, work. I'm quite lonely as most of them are too busy to meet up. They work in the week and need the weekend to sort out the house, groceries, laundry and spend time with their family. I only know of 4 sahm in that school. I've given up making friends from school!

OP I too work full time and almost never in a position to do drop offs and pick ups. Almost everyone was telling me that once my eldest would start school we would make loads of friends. I have found this to be untrue. Just because we have kids at the same school, that doesn't mean a friendship with materialise. Yes my child misses iut in pretty much everything, rarely gets invited anywhere. I did try a lot for reception and Yr1. Now at Yr2 I have given up. It could be racism as we are foreign. Frankly I don't care anymore. I am focusing on making home life as good as I can and get her to lots of paid afterschool activities, so she can be social. I was happy during lockdown as I felt she wasn't missing much, when her peers would normally have invitations galore.

[quote PikeletvsCrumpet]@NataliaOsipova I try not to be self absorbed and entitled. I don't expect people to frame their whole lives around mine. I just wonder why some mums don't understand that me suggesting a play date at 5pm or on a Saturday morning isn't that unreasonable. If they can't make it then that's ok. It's also not unreasonable for them to suggest an afterschool date, I will try to make it and I have taken time off to take my dd to a play date. It's just it usually doesn't get to that point as there's no reply to my first message in which I said I can't do a play date tomorrow with 24 hours notice.
I just feel a disconnect to these mums, maybe it's class (they're MC, we're WC) maybe it's priorities (they are really really invested in what toys, books, tv their kids watch, diet etc) or maybe it's the work thing. My bf is a SAHP, lone parent, and we never find our differences an issue, it's all love and understanding. It's just these mums who seem to not get how hard things are, and I try to see things from their side too.[/quote]
A. Playdates at 5pm for the average Reception child is too late and too encompassing on the family routine such as baths, homework, and reading and dinner. And for some this possibly clashes with clubs that they have planned around their family evenings.

Saturday mornings probably clash with whole family events, even if it's just chill out time rather than have to get up and worry about getting out for a school playdate.

Really, you have to make some choices and decisions. If your career progression is the most important thing, then you need to accept that your child will only ever be picked up 3 times a year by you and that they will miss out on many of the outside of the school social opportunities. The other parents prioritise their family at weekend times.

Obviously there are still school holidays when you arrange activities.

OR you review your work situation and either cut down your hours, request some degree of flexible working that would mean that your child isn't in wraparound call every school day.

What about your partner? Can he not facilitate some of the after school collections and friendships?

Fwiw I work pt and even still, that means that with friends we work around one another's schedules, family arrangements etc.

Another thought OP - you seem to be mixing up wanting your DD to socialise with other kids and you socialising with other parents.

I also don't spend all my weekends with DH, however, I do think (in normal circumstances!) it's important he gets lots of weekend time with the DCs as he works long hours in the week.

Therefore I'll arrange to see my friends without DH. Have you suggested to your mum friends you met when on Mat leave you meet up on a Saturday morning without the kids? Or for a drink in the evenings? (obviously not an option now)

When I was a SAHM with a reception aged DC, I saw evenings and weekends as not playdate time, but was more than happy to leave DH with the kids and go out for a brunch with a friend or go for a glass of wine or three once they were in bed.

You have to separate how you make/keep friends and how your DD makes friends.

I feel for you OP, and I'm also working full time through the pandemic.

I missed out on the Friday 3pm get togethers because I was at work, and was so worried about my children missing out. I was never short of offers for things like that but working as a nurse it was simply impossible. I've been lucky with my older DD that some of the Mums were happy to take her and her younger sister along but I didn't want to accept too often for fear of being a CF.

And my ExH always worked weekends, leaving me on my own, and I completely relate to the dedicated husband time comment. I was always so grateful when someone would take pity on me being on my own all day with the kids and offer to meet up, but it wasn't often!

I’ve never understood the after school play date thing. It never happened to me as a child. I’ve only once been requested an after school play date as a parent (said no for the obvious reasons).

Friend texted and said thanks but no thanks because they’d be full of virus.
I’ve heard of people saying their kids need to stay well away from mine because they’re certain to have coronavirus because of my job.

That is a horrible thing to say so someone giving a gift. I don't think I could continue a friendship after that.

YANBU. I found that because my DCs didn't go to the school nursery, I missed out on bonding with both DCs classes. With DS1 I worked FT until the end of yR when a contract ended and the pace of working was too much. The 5pm being frightfully late is hysterically funny when your DC wasn't even picked up until 5:55pm, dinner didn't happen until 7pm and bedtime at 8pm. I kept DS2 in his private nursery incase an appealing opportunity occured and the hours were more convenient anyway, but again, I missed the nursery gate bonding. Then I was split between different pick-up doors.

I don't think it's co-incidental that my DCs have bonded more with other children of working parents as those whose parents didn't work in the early days (often moving to PT) socialise and bond a lot as whole families that carry on into school relationships. I get on with the other mums, but I'm definitely second best and friendly small talk quickly evaporates when a closer mum turns up.

And here I am stuck as a social lemon My friends from pre-children are mainly geographically spread and had families at different times. Most of my social contact is aquaintances, formal activities, groups and volunteering. Of course that's all pissed up the wall at the monent. My DCs are not in returning classes so are still off indefinitely. The class chats are quiet so I can't get the measure of who thinks a social invitation is tantamount to murder and I'm nervous of sticking my head above the parapets. From friends with younger DCs, there was all the virtue signalling hyperbole over RTS, and there is some overlap of sibling groups to my DCs' peers. It's pretty lonely!

@EmperorCovidula - go on, I'll bite, what are the obvious reasons?!

I haven't read the full thread but I'm a sahm, available for playdates whenever with 3dc at school and have made no friends on the school run.
But the place I have made amazing friends is at my dd's dance classes. We have to stay in the building during classes but not in the room so we have hours of just sitting and it's on a Saturday. The group is such a mix of people yet we have all bonded. Maybe try things like that once things get back to normal.

You have two different issues, your friends and your DDs friends. They’re not the same thing. Give it a year or two and she’ll find her own friends. You can have them over in the holidays if you have time off work or at the weekend. While I don’t want to see a mum friend at the weekend, I’m happy to send my child over there at the weekend. Also there is limited point to play dates so early on. I used to push them for my eldest, by the younger ones I’ve tried to avoid them till yr 3!
It’s easy to feel she’s missing out but she barely is.

You need to work on your own friends separately.

Would they be happy having your child over and you pick up when you finish?

It goes to show that they're all friends of convenience though, rather than actual friends. I realise that doesn't help your situation at all and it's horrible being left out.

I have no local friends either - mine are all in and around London in different towns and counties now we're older and have families. That's fine normally but lockdown has really changed things! It really hard when you're working on a different time frame to everyone else.

@DisgruntledGuineaPig used to doing other things in the evenings. Obvious from my post. Also, young children tend to be horrid after school I suppose, a bit of time this wind down before homework and bed is essential.

My dc's friend's parents have always seemed to struggle with the concept of me working full time outside of the home and not being available for coffee after drop off, café/ park trips at pick up, etc etc etc. That's fine though. I have my own friends who also work full time and we meet up (or we did when things were different) at times that suit us. Most of those friends don't have dc so struggle a bit with "no I am not up for you calling your dealer and us all moving on to this club you have heard about it is 1am and I will be awoken by a screeching child in less than 5 hours", but they are far better than the 'friends' I have through the dc at making an effort to stay in contact and meet up with me :)

OR you review your work situation and either cut down your hours, request some degree of flexible working*

What a ridiculous comment. We don't know OPs financial situation - it's not just that easy to cut hours or obtain flexible working 🤷‍♀️

I also work FT. I'm also the main earner by as much as 3 times. I had to reconcile with myself that I wouldn't be able to do many school pick ups and drop offs. I also don't have any school mum friends. In my area they are overwhelmingly STAHP and to be honest we have nothing in common. I've been WFH/furloughed the last 3 months and I can honestly say that being a stay at home parent is NOT hard compared to work like many of the mums on the school WhatsApp group make out.

Just ignore the playground mum cliques. Even part time and non working mums are not always included in these groups. Isolation from out of work activities is often the price you pay for full time working, but the benefits far outweigh this. Your DD will make friends in school and after school clubs etc if she attends them, so don't worry about it. Your company is all she needs at the moment.

That’s all very well but if you time poor the other adults you meet are at work or through kids. It’s great if you can make friends out of your kids friends parents. My parents still hang out with friends they met this way and us “kids” all well into our 40s and no longer in touch !

I was sympathetic - well, I still am - until I read your comment ‘naming’ the classmates as Jago and Rupert. You may find that chip on your shoulder is visible to the other parents!

I am sympathetic - and honestly have had the same chip at times! But do watch for it.

As a working single parent when mine was in reception, I can tell you that nearly everyone seems to go to ground at the weekend! Don’t think it’s your enclave of mums.

Also, I was ahead of the curve on divorce - by about Y4, there were a LOT more divorced parents around at the weekend

Finally, at reception age they’re still mainly playing alongside each other rather than forming close friendships that are their own choice, not who mummy knows... once she’s a bit older, and Rupert is saying, “I want Jemima for a play mummy” you will find it more common that Rupert’s mummy will offer to pick them both up.

@ivfgottostaypositive

OR you review your work situation and either cut down your hours, request some degree of flexible working*

What a ridiculous comment. We don't know OPs financial situation - it's not just that easy to cut hours or obtain flexible working 🤷‍♀️

I also work FT. I'm also the main earner by as much as 3 times. I had to reconcile with myself that I wouldn't be able to do many school pick ups and drop offs. I also don't have any school mum friends. In my area they are overwhelmingly STAHP and to be honest we have nothing in common. I've been WFH/furloughed the last 3 months and I can honestly say that being a stay at home parent is NOT hard compared to work like many of the mums on the school WhatsApp group make out.

If you have an issue with missing out on the Afterschool events then that's the obvious thing to review.

I'm not sure about the saho dig you made. But I personally chose to work pt so that I can drop and collect my child, and yes that means my child is a part of the Afterschool social bit! It's about priorities.

I find it really sad that a 4-5 yo was only collected 3 times by their mother from Sept to March.