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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To NOT offer to help NDN with lawns

151 replies

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 21:56

NDN is in her 90’s and lives alone. She has Carers come in twice a day to make sure she’s eating etc. DC live away and have obviously not visited during lockdown. Both front and back gardens are overgrown and need tending to. Me and DH keep discussing whether or not to offer to help out with the gardens but with a young family ourselves, and DH working full time still, it’s hard enough to find the time to sort our own home/garden out. (Seriously he’s still out in our garden now after cleaning our windows).

The gardens are sizeable and would take a good day, if not more, to make right. The thing that sticks in DH’s throat is that 1- this has happened before when DC have gone a while without visiting, so they know well about it. 2- she has a window cleaner, who repeatedly and loudly told her [and half the street] that her DC would be paying her, so no need to worry about her paying. I’m not for a second saying how others should be spending their money, but DH has stated a gardener really wouldn’t be out of the question if it came to it. (As I said, sizeable gardens so a lot work round here and forever getting leaflets put through the door etc.)

Another point is, her memory is patchy at best, so would she remember that we’d said/agreed earlier in the day that he’d help out? (It really is painful to have a brief conversation with her).

Fully prepared to be flamed and told to go and be neighbourly.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 03/06/2020 21:58

I would want to help out personally.

highmarkingsnowbile · 03/06/2020 21:59

I would not volunteer to start doing this for free. No. Maybe if it were just mowing a small front garden, but not a large one back and front. It will then become expected of you and lockdown has to end at some point.

MrsClatterbuck · 03/06/2020 22:00

My dm is not at home at the moment due to health issues. We have organised someone to do the garden and have paid in advance.

19lottie82 · 03/06/2020 22:01

If it was a small lawn that would take no more than an hour or so then I’d offer to cut it, but from your description, it sounds like a much bigger job. It’s not your responsibility. I wouldn’t worry about it.

My across the road neighbour lives next door to a young lad who doesn’t give 2 hoots about his garden and she tends to it, but she is very house proud and I think she only does it because she thinks it lowers the tone of her house! 😂

DDiva · 03/06/2020 22:01

No I wouldnt start it that sounds alot of work. Can you contact her DC?

TinyPigeon · 03/06/2020 22:02

I don't think it's necessary. Are you friendly with her? Probably (distanced/on the phone) company would be more helpful to her than gardening. Also if you spoke to her on the phone you could see if she mentioned it.

worzelsnurzel123 · 03/06/2020 22:03

Yes I’d definitely help. It’s not forever just make it clear it’s just until her adult kids come back to visit once lockdown is over. Presumably someone ( her children?) did her lawns prior to lockdown?

highmarkingsnowbile · 03/06/2020 22:03

The thing that sticks in DH’s throat is that 1- this has happened before when DC have gone a while without visiting, so they know well about it. 2- she has a window cleaner, who repeatedly and loudly told her [and half the street] that her DC would be paying her, so no need to worry about her paying.

Yep, they know. They need to sort this out and pay for it. Don't become their mug.

Cadent · 03/06/2020 22:04

OMG no. We hate doing our own, let alone anyone else's.

If her DC have arranged for a window cleaner, they can easily arrange for a gardener too. Maybe her DC are hoping you'll do it?

My mum is elderly and we live 5 minute walk away and do all her shopping, admin, driving around, but her pension allows her to afford a gardener and cleaner so I've always been clear that I can't do these things.

PepeSkunk · 03/06/2020 22:07

My mum just got a Company in to do hers for the first time since lockdown and it was a huge job, despite the actual lawns being tiny! They had tobe strimmed and then cut with a petrol mower Three times each. It took the lady three and a half hours whereas it would only takes 20 minutes tops normally.

peajotter · 03/06/2020 22:10

Does it bother her though? It may be that she doesn’t get out and is quite happy to let nature take over. I wouldn’t worry yourself unless you know she’s unhappy with it.

MuthaFunka61 · 03/06/2020 22:13

If you enjoy gardening and have the time then yes,help out. This doesn't seem to be the case here though

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 22:14

Thanks for the responses. No contact numbers for anyone unfortunately and, while we are friendly, it really is a brief chat if we see each other.

Yes DC did help out when they popped up, but even that was sparingly, so the lawns were more overgrown than most, even then. A recently moved away neighbour did it once or twice too.

OP posts:
Cadent · 03/06/2020 22:15

If you enjoy gardening and have the time then yes,help out. This doesn't seem to be the case here though

But what if you enjoy gardening and have time but just don't fancy pushing around lawnmover on someone else's "sizeable" garden?

YangShanPo · 03/06/2020 22:17

No you don't need to do it, but maybe no one thought of it so you could mention it to one of her carers or maybe the window cleaner since he seems to know the family.

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 22:19

peajotter
I think this is where my conscious becomes heavy, because we do hear her get the lawnmower out and seemingly go over the same spot in the back garden.

No I really don’t enjoy gardening and am a poor feminist for admittingly leaving it all to DH to take care of. Added in I’m currently 6 months pregnant with an active and demanding 1.5 y/o, it would really be on DH to sort it.

I feel guilty knowing that we are capable but I guess, for our own reasons, unwilling.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 03/06/2020 22:23

No I wouldn't offer.

She has family...they can organise this.

And to be fair, an overgrown garden is not life or death is it or even that detrimental to life.

Susanna85 · 03/06/2020 22:24

If it were a small job, then yes. It would be kind to help out. But it's not a small job, you have other priorities, and she has family that could be helping or booking someone to do it. But it seems not to be a priority for them.

I feel sorry for her that her children haven't been visiting but I guess we don't know the full story.

Inthemuckheap · 03/06/2020 22:25

So a 90 yo gets the lawnmower out and goes over the same spot? Is this where she sits?

The care company will have her NOK details so maybe give them a call and get them to contact her DC to sort it out? There's no reason her DC can't come over to mow her lawn now. Did they do it last year?

cakeandchampagne · 03/06/2020 22:25

Maybe a nearby church knows of someone who has the time and would enjoy helping.

northernlittledonkey · 03/06/2020 22:26

I think she needs to pay for one, could you offer to find her a Gardener?

Gingertam · 03/06/2020 22:26

Once you start it will be difficult to stop. Please don't take on this responsibility, you have enough to do. There is no need to feel bad about it. The lazy children need to sort it out! If they can't do it then they will have to pay someone. Don't get involved.

Itisbetter · 03/06/2020 22:26

I’d help her. If she’s 90 her children may be 70, surely all of them are housebound?

Somewhereinthesky · 03/06/2020 22:27

Does that bother you to see the over grown garden? If so, do it. Offer to help. If not, just leave it.

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2020 22:27

Is it stopping her going out in it?

I think it may not have occured to the DC and I would do it.

Is it worth asking her if she'd like to have a gardener come and sort it?