To NOT offer to help NDN with lawns

[UserFriendly14]

NDN is in her 90’s and lives alone. She has Carers come in twice a day to make sure she’s eating etc. DC live away and have obviously not visited during lockdown. Both front and back gardens are overgrown and need tending to. Me and DH keep discussing whether or not to offer to help out with the gardens but with a young family ourselves, and DH working full time still, it’s hard enough to find the time to sort our own home/garden out. (Seriously he’s still out in our garden now after cleaning our windows).

The gardens are sizeable and would take a good day, if not more, to make right. The thing that sticks in DH’s throat is that 1- this has happened before when DC have gone a while without visiting, so they know well about it. 2- she has a window cleaner, who repeatedly and loudly told her [and half the street] that her DC would be paying her, so no need to worry about her paying. I’m not for a second saying how others should be spending their money, but DH has stated a gardener really wouldn’t be out of the question if it came to it. (As I said, sizeable gardens so a lot work round here and forever getting leaflets put through the door etc.)

Another point is, her memory is patchy at best, so would she remember that we’d said/agreed earlier in the day that he’d help out? (It really is painful to have a brief conversation with her).

Fully prepared to be flamed and told to go and be neighbourly.

Our local gardener charges £90 for two men per hour. The reason being it's hard work!

My gardening lady charges £20 an hour so that’s absolutely taking the piss. It’s not such hard work.

It sounds as if you’re the one it’s bothering, in which case offer to mow your neighbour’s garden. IF that’s what your neighbour actually wants. If not then leave it. It may even be that like a number of people, myself included, your neighbour/neighbour's family has deliberately left the garden to grow for environmental reasons. A friend’s grandmother in their 90s has left part of hers wild for similar reasons and like me has seeded it with bee-friendly plants, in order to attract bees/insects etc…

I only cut mine back once a year. It’s not full of rubbish or machinery or encroaching on anyone else’s space but sounds as if I’ll need to watch out if/when I become elderly, in case the well-meaning assume I’m incapable rather than bothered about the environment.

www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/11205984/Let-your-lawns-grow-wild-to-save-Britains-bees-gardeners-told.html

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/02/overgrown-garden-benefits-alys-fowler

This thread is really depressing. Just mow the fecking lawn.

Why? The woman has family who could do it
The neighbors lawn isnt the OP responsibility. Nor is it her DHs to cut into his down time to help her, especially given the OP yard sounds sizable too
Id be betting the local gardeners are screaming out for work, any work right now. The woman could do her bit for the economy and pay someone, or her kids could on her behalf

My gardening lady charges £20 an hour so that’s absolutely taking the piss. It’s not such hard work.
That depends on your garden really, some would be easy. Some would be monsters

She doesn’t differentiate, it’s £20 an hour. Obviously “a monster” would take longer. £45 an hour is insane.

She doesn’t differentiate, it’s £20 an hour. Obviously “a monster” would take longer. £45 an hour is insane

For my yard, id say 45 ph is fair. From the size, to tools you would need to supply, its a fair price. Plus travel to and from the house, car maintenance.

20 is a courtyard price, and to me wouldnt have all the tools for say edging or trimming higher trees or bushes.

As you say you are too busy, her children probably are too. I totally don't blame you for not taking this on though! My mother in law has a wraparound garden and her neighbour asked why I wasn't helping with it, my answer was that after the shopping, cleaning a full.time job and a small boy it is the last thing on my list. Defo don't ask her children about it.

Yes DC did help out when they popped up, but even that was sparingly, so the lawns were more overgrown than most, even then

Even then they've organised a window cleaner who's getting paid. And they know and have organised in the past, about the garden. Have a word with her carers at most. They know. They know she probably needs to downsize, too. It's not just mowing a lawn, as you've said, it's sizeable and needs work. People charge for this for a reason, rightly so, it's a job and folk are needing work right about now. A word with her carers and leave it at that.

I feel your pain OP! My NDN is 87 and went to stay with her 91yr old sister nine weeks ago. She asked me to pop in and water her house plants (all three million of them!) which I do and it takes ages but I agreed so...

She has five adult children but has taken to phoning me three times a week say X daughter said her garden is a mess and the lawn needs mowing. Then pauses.

No way am I mowing her lawn when she has adult children to do it! Nor must you! Rod and back spring to mind!

I'm all for doing people favours, and I do, but on this occasion I wouldn't because 1, her children can do it, and unless they are very far away could have done it before. 2, it's not essential to her well being and 3, she can probably afford to get a gardener to do it. I think her age is irrelevant. If it was a quick job then yes, but it's not.

Another point is, her memory is patchy at best, so would she remember that we’d said/agreed earlier in the day that he’d help out

So you’d already told her you’d do it and are now relying on her having dementia to get out of it?

@squeekums because it’s a kind thing to do and as I said before being in your 90s with dementia is not a nice place to be and a bit of kindness goes a long way. Doing it once doesn’t mean you are shackled to do it all the time, if that’s the problem.

Maybe I read it wrong, but did you say her family pay the window cleaner? If so, could you have a word with the WC and ask if he could speak to her family about it?

because it’s a kind thing to do

This thread is really depressing. Just mow the fecking lawn.

Agree^

I've been mowing my neighbours lawn every other week throughout lockdown as she had to move away for a while to care for her dying mother. We've been neighbours a long time and she looks after my house and cat whenever I'm away. Heck I've even dusted and hoovered, oh and I'm a single parent. It's really no great hardship. If it's a big job just do a little at a time fgs. So glad I live somewhere with a great sense of community where people help each other out.

@Bluntness100 i read it as if it was agreed that they'd do it would the neighbour remember, rather than they have offered & are hoping she'll forget

TakemetoGreece, just because you have lovely relationship with neighbour and help out each other, you don't know it always go down as lovely gesture to do something for them. Tbh, early 60s living on their own doesn't sound like they should be treated as too vulnerable to do something about their garden. It's lovely thing to offer to do it and they may appreciate. But they may not. Also their is risk of her own family starting to expect too much from OP, if they realised they are happy to help their neighbour. Their family let her live on her own, or she choose to live on her own quite far away from family, I assume she is capable of making decisions herself. Maybe gardening isn't her thing.
If I was her neighbour, and I was cutting grass, and the work doesn't require a lot of time, then maybe I would offer. But if that work takes long hours, I wouldn't, especially if I was pregnant and have young children.

Same happened with our NDN, my DP messaged her son as we were struggling to get our pushchair up the path it was so overgrown! He sorted it the next day luckily, its a shame it took us to raise the issue as he visits weekly so could see how bad it had got

My former neighbour was widowed and her dementia worsened, until she had a fall and ended up in hospital for a prolonged period then discharged to a carehome for her last couple of years. The family were local but had their own lives and already spent significant time and effort in supporting her.

I used to get the extension lead out and do her front lawn while I did mine if it had been a while so it was a much easier job when her family came by. It was better for all concerned for the frontage to look cared for. There was no agreement but when family visited they were grateful that it hadn't got out of hand between times.

It's a caring thing to do to help out, but taking on regular major commitments that compromise you are something that shouldn't be entered into lightly and it is right to be cautious about what you can take on in terms of time and effort.

I absolutely do not believe that an hour cant be found here and there to help. No one's asking for Wimbledon standards.

Hopefully you can get a message to someone who can help. But if not, you still won't. And I think that's sad.

You could do it once and suggest to the woman’s children they need to organise a gardener. If it’s a massive garden it’s a bit much to expect neighbours to keep it in check.

Heck I've even dusted and hoovered, oh and I'm a single parent. It's really no great hardship

So you're basically an unpaid cleaner...

I would help without a doubt . My relative the same age doesn’t like getting anyone in to do the garden if she doesn’t know them . Her son does it when needed and it tends to get a bit overgrown by the time he comes but she wouldn’t feel safe living on her own getting someone in.
Her son ended up breaking travel restrictions to cut the grass as it had gotten bad.
I think if you say you will do it as a once off since her own children can’t do it .

I agree that a days work in a frequent basis is too great an ask of a working family with young children in these times. I agree it's worth asking the window cleaner to mention it.

This is the responsibility of her children to do or arrange. I'm sure you'd drop bread and milk round if required. If you're not on a very friendly basis doing gardening is too much.