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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To NOT offer to help NDN with lawns

151 replies

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 21:56

NDN is in her 90’s and lives alone. She has Carers come in twice a day to make sure she’s eating etc. DC live away and have obviously not visited during lockdown. Both front and back gardens are overgrown and need tending to. Me and DH keep discussing whether or not to offer to help out with the gardens but with a young family ourselves, and DH working full time still, it’s hard enough to find the time to sort our own home/garden out. (Seriously he’s still out in our garden now after cleaning our windows).

The gardens are sizeable and would take a good day, if not more, to make right. The thing that sticks in DH’s throat is that 1- this has happened before when DC have gone a while without visiting, so they know well about it. 2- she has a window cleaner, who repeatedly and loudly told her [and half the street] that her DC would be paying her, so no need to worry about her paying. I’m not for a second saying how others should be spending their money, but DH has stated a gardener really wouldn’t be out of the question if it came to it. (As I said, sizeable gardens so a lot work round here and forever getting leaflets put through the door etc.)

Another point is, her memory is patchy at best, so would she remember that we’d said/agreed earlier in the day that he’d help out? (It really is painful to have a brief conversation with her).

Fully prepared to be flamed and told to go and be neighbourly.

OP posts:
GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 03/06/2020 22:28

Ffs, just do it. You have no idea what kind of people her children are and what her relationships are like with them. Just do something nice and help her. I would tackle it and make it presentable and mow it every time I mow my own.

Cannot believe people saying they wouldn't do it. She is an elderly person and looking out of her windows to a mess every day.

CaptainNelson · 03/06/2020 22:29

Does your neighbourhood have a voluntary group set up to support people during the pandemic? They may be able to find a volunteer to do this - I think in our village, one of the many volunteers would be quite happy to do this. You'd have to ask her though if she'd be ok with it.

Aveisenim · 03/06/2020 22:30

Age UK offer some services, my DP's mum has used them. Tbh I wouldn't if it's a big job because then it would become expected, her own family should be looking after her, not relying on neighbours.

Cadent · 03/06/2020 22:30

@GeorgiaWeLoveYou

She is an elderly person and looking out of her windows to a mess every day.

Yes, looking out of her windows...that are cleaned by a window cleaner. So she can get a gardener too.

2Rebecca · 03/06/2020 22:31

Her DC could now come and cut the grass for her. They could stay 2m away or she could even stay in the house. If she has carers it would count as helping a vulnerable person. It sounds like she needs to downsize. If her children dont feel able to come round and do it why is you doing it different? It's still a nonhousehold member.

TemoraryUsername · 03/06/2020 22:32

I agree with the suggestion to get the care company to contact the children. You could do it in a "being helpful" way with an email or letter with details of the gardeners whose flyers you get through your door.

formerbabe · 03/06/2020 22:33

Elderly doesn't necessarily mean impoverished does it? Her dc should organise a gardener.

highmarkingsnowbile · 03/06/2020 22:34

Have a word with the window cleaner next time.

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 22:37

CaptainNelson andcakeandchampagne

Yes we do actually- that’s not a bad shout, thank you.

DC live far enough away that it couldn’t really be a day trip. I’ve briefly spoken to one of them before and she is lovely, so no worries there. I’d say probably early 60’s.

The window cleaner may mention it to DC actually as he made a “is your gardener on strike?!” joke when he was here a few days ago.

OP posts:
cleanseTone · 03/06/2020 22:38

It's only grass. Just leave it, the bees will be happy

ButtonMoonLoon · 03/06/2020 22:38

I would speak to the carers, telling them you’ve seen her attempting to do it herself and suggesting they contact her DC to organise a gardener.

Kittenlicker · 03/06/2020 22:38

I would do it. When I am 90 I hope someone would do the same for me, It's a little thing in the big scheme of things. Growing old is rotten and the knowledge that you can't do things that you once could is very upsetting.

Timesdone · 03/06/2020 22:39

It depends on the person not necessarily their age or circumstances. I volunteer in a role where I do many tasks including gardening. However, my immediate NDC is an absolute pain in the neck. It's sad because I could be a good neighbour and offer a lot of support but it is never going to happen. I keep my distance due to her behaviour.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 03/06/2020 22:40

@Cadent

Yes, looking out of her windows...that are cleaned by a window cleaner. So she can get a gardener too.

Yes, this lady could get a gardener. But she hasn't. The OP could suggest that. The lady may have millions of pounds stashed away and not employ a gardener. Even still, I would still tidy her garden for her because it would be the kind thing to do. I cannot understand how you can live next door to an elderly person with a garden in such a state and not help them.

billy1966 · 03/06/2020 22:40

I would suggest to her Carer's that they should contact her family and arrange a gardener to do the garden as she is trying to do it herself and may injure herself.

If you have a few numbers of local dependable people to give to the Carer, all the better.

She has family.

A tiny space, yes I would do it ..a garden that will take a day, and you 6 months pregnant...not a chance OP.

One of my lovely elderly neighbours hinted strongly that my husband might help with her garden as her single, son living with her was busy in his job, and she didn't want to bother him...Hilarious...and we had 4 young children at the time.

Naturally I completely ignored her hints🙄

FortunesFave · 03/06/2020 22:42

Catch the carer and tell them that this needs doing. THEY should be telling her children ffs!

My Mum has three carers and they tell us immediately for things like this.

The poor woman's garden shouldn't be left to wrack and ruin.

AJPTaylor · 03/06/2020 22:43

I would do the front with her express permission.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/06/2020 22:43

You clearly don't want to do it, so don't. If you can't do it with a willing heart, then don't do it.

As others have said, there are other options and you can help her arrange it if she feels she wants to.

Personally I'd do it, but I'm not in your position and I'd enjoy it.

Cadent · 03/06/2020 22:46

@GeorgiaWeLoveYou

Even still, I would still tidy her garden for her because it would be the kind thing to do.

Because it's not a spot of tidying! It's a sizeable front and back garden. It's trying to find an extension cord long enough to connect to a power supply, it's bagging up all the grass, it's the follow on from lawnmowing to weeding, strimming and trimming hedges! Most of all, it will be very difficult to stop!

Our local gardener charges £90 for two men per hour. The reason being it's hard work!

Cherrysoup · 03/06/2020 22:47

I think I’d say no. We occasionally help our neighbour, but we have a nearly 20 year history with her (her bloody ds, same age as us, has barely been to see her, I do think it would have made sense for him to move in during lockdown, but that’s another thread)

Hopingtobelucky · 03/06/2020 22:48

We've got a good neighbour scheme in our village where people volunteer help to those struggling - there are a few offers of gardening services, we leafletted all though houses and set up up ourselves but I think some councils are organising the offers for help. Completely understand you've got a lot on, if she's only getting carers in twice a day and not seeing her family and you want to do something to cheer her up a bunch of flowers or nice cake is a thoughtful gesture x

BirdyCheepCheep · 03/06/2020 22:51

Dont do it! It will become a burden and that isn't helping you or her. If it bothers her, her DC can get a gardener. It would be different if it was a tiny patch of grass, or if you and DH had lots of spare time, but it isn't and you don't.
It is not your job to take care of this. That doesn't make you a bad NDN.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 03/06/2020 22:55

We wouldn't do it personally, as we haven't even managed to cut our own lawn for the past 3 weeks.

Surely there are teenagers in the area who would be happy to cut it weekly for some cash.

UserFriendly14 · 03/06/2020 22:58

Thank you Hopingtobelucky that’s a lovely idea.

Thanks again for the responses- I shall attempt to put my phone down now, but I will mention it to the Carers, to at least pass a message along to DC. I would definitely imagine our community helpers would do it.

Please don’t get me wrong, if it were just me and DH, we’d have been round with a full set of tools long ago. But alas family life, even in lockdown, takes over.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 03/06/2020 22:58

If she has to have carers in twice a day to remind her to eat then i'm guessing she has dementia in which case she wont be able to organise a gardener. You need to try to find a way to contact her family to discuss getting a gardener in.

The carers won't care about the garden. Nor will they be able to discuss her with you.