Friend's affair - AIBU to get involved?

[NoseyfriendNC]

I am the first to say to anyone to never get involved in someone else's relationship as you end up being the bad guy usually but I feel like I can't just sit by and watch, so I need you guys to help me decide whether I should get involved or not.

Background - Good friend of many years. She is very sensitive and I am quite outspoken - so I am extra careful when giving my opinion. She has been married for 10 years with 3 kids and is early 30s. I don't hate her DH but don't like him much either (never say or show this) as he is grumpy, quite selfish and I believe financially controlling. They don't get on great and basically live separate lives.

She has been having an 'emotional' affair (says they haven't done anything sexual yet but would like to) for about 6 months. I thought it would die down thanks to lockdown but it has become worse and more intense. She sees no-one else nor goes into shops as she is so worried about the virus but happily still meets him. She doesn't have anyone else to talk to so I have to hear about it all the time. I've told her I think it is wrong and she will get caught and she just says she doesn't care. I say the new man is not good enough for her and she will say I don't know him like she does etc - I am sick of hearing about it but I like her telling me things to make sure she is staying safe.

My reasons for wanting to get involved:

1. She has a good life - her DH brings in the majority of the money and deals with everything (bills, shopping, childcare, etc) I personally think he is quite controlling as she doesn't get a say in these things but she is also the type to not want any of this responsibility and I would worry how she would cope alone as she has never had to deal with adulthood really. She has no bank account of her own and all the bills, car, rent agreement etc is in her DH's name.

1. I do not like/trust the new man she is involved with.

She has told me many examples where he has been plain rude but I just get a strange feeling about him. I have asked what his last name is and she won't give it to me (I'm not sure she knows it). She was upset as he told her which house he lived in and said he lived alone - then she found out he lived in a completely different area with his brother - his excuse was he's had to rent his 4 bedroom home to move in with his brother in a 1 bed flat as the brother has gone through a bad break up. He doesn't work. He is into every conspiracy theory going. This is fine but she believes everything he says - it started out that he would say not to eat certain foods so she stopped, then it started with speaking to anyone on the phone as the government is listening in (she doesn't have his number anyway) and now it is not shaving pubic hair as its part of some ritual or conspiracy. They only meet during the night and usually in a field - I ask her what they do and she said they look for aliens. Something doesn't sit right with me about this man and I am worried about her safety. Everything I say she has an answer for and believes everything he says without question (he said no-one has died from COVID-19 and we know someone who did and was confirmed by the hospital that this was the case but now she is saying that it's not real and it's a cover-up etc). She is usually not like this at all. Not only is she married but her personality is changing.

Sorry for the long thread. I didn't want to drip-feed.

YABU - Do NOT get involved and leave her to it.
YANBU - DO get involved and try and stop it.

I don't think you sound like a good friend at all but I'm sure you're meaning to be. Personally, I'd be horrified if one of my friends was thinking of me like a child they need to 'keep safe' rather than seeing me as an adult capable of making my own decisions, however crap they may seem to others.

Your friend's husband and her new "boyfriend" may not be great, but your friend doesn't sound very nice, either, tbh. She's immature and behaving very selfishly (and stupidly). If she wants to ruin her own life, that's fine, but what of her children? I'm not sure I'd want her as a friend, at this point.

If you've voiced your concerns and been ignored, I'm not sure what more you can do. Anything I can think of would only make her angry and hurry along what seems like the inevitable destruction of her marriage.

I'd probably prepare for the eventual fallout by putting some distance between the two of you. The only other option is to go on as you are, but just ignore her bizarre and idiotic behaviour.

Tell her he sounds great and you d like to meet him for a socially distance alien searching picnic

He doesn't like to meet people apparently. I think he has some type of mental health problem or he's just lying.

Your friend's husband and her new "boyfriend" may not be great, but your friend doesn't sound very nice, either, tbh. She's immature and behaving very selfishly (and stupidly)

I agree that she's an idiot and at first I said that to her and said if you don't want to be married then leave. But now it is becoming more of a concern to me because of the new man's behaviour.

Personally, I'd be horrified if one of my friends was thinking of me like a child they need to 'keep safe' rather than seeing me as an adult capable of making my own decisions,

I completely get this and would feel horrified too. But she has had a complete personality change. If they were in a relationship or younger I would say she is being groomed or controlled and I would definitely get involved but as she's an adult I didn't know what to do.

If you meddle too much you could lose her as a friend. Do you want this?

I assume she is of reasonable enough intelligence to know what she is doing is wrong, in which case it is entirely her decision.

DO NOT tell her DH - what do you think would be achieved by this? If she's unhappy in her marriage she needs to start the process of leaving and divorcing her DH.

At the moment it’s all star-crossed lovers/Romeo and Juliet/soul mate, drama drama drama everyone’s against us excitement.

The more you rail against it all the more you feed the ridiculousness.

If she were my friend I’d tell her it’s all too stupid for words, that he sounds like a nutter and she’s twice the nutter for 1) Believing his bullshit and 2) Getting involved with him.

If she mentions him I’d cut her off with “Pauline I told you I don’t want to hear about it”.

I’d struggle to be friends with someone like this tbh.

It sounds like you care about your friend an awful lot and you must be feeling upset to see her in such a difficult situation. Both of these possibilities do not seem like good options for different reasons. It must be so painful to see someone you care about being treated so poorly. Perhaps you are also feeling a little sad that you are sort of losing your friend (you mention her personality changing) to this OM?

However, your role in this as a friend is not to be actively involved. Telling her DH would be a disaster for your friendship (just read your very first sentence!) It is a very human instinct to want to help someone with a problem, with advice and opinions or even some sort of action as you suggest - because you want to help! However this isn't always helpful. Even expressing your disapproval at her DH and OM is probably not that helpful to your friend and she might feel judged by you. The only reason for raising the alarm should be if she is in imminent danger.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, listen without judgement and empathise with her. She is her own person and will make her own choices.

Don't get involved.

OP not your circus not your monkeys. Just be her friend and listen to her and be there when she needs you. You have to let people live their lives irrelevant of what you think of their choices. That's what being a friend is all about. If you can't do that, please get out of her life, so she can find a friend that can accept her.

You’re way too invested and actually it’s none of your business.

Stay out of it

Give your opinion and then bow out. Say you don't want any further involvement. If she brings it up just say "I've given my opinion and have no more to say"

I think you sound like a person who cares a lot and from all your responses I just see that you feel a bit lost and really want to help her.

There's not much you can do to pull her back from it. It sounds like she's quite vulnerable mentally and this man is feasting on that. To me the lies just show that he's definitely not to be trusted. Yes, she's made her bed but also being manipulated by someone who has probably done it before is not an easy situation to get out of.

You can work in the background to try and find some more information on him. I don't think she will believe you right now but at least you have given her the facts.

Has she shared any pictures of him with you? Could you do a Google image search and see if it's connected to any webpages or social media accounts?

What information do you have on him other than his first name?

I would normally say don't get involved at all.
It's not your place to involve her husband or to worry about her life choices, its your place as a friend to listen and support where possible or to step away if you dont feel able to do that.
However if you have genuine concerns for her safety, maybe try to seek some anonymous advice from an outside source/organisation. She is an adult and will make her own decisions but knowing you are there for her in the right way could make a huge difference in a potentially difficult situation.

Perhaps you are also feeling a little sad that you are sort of losing your friend (you mention her personality changing) to this OM?

I don't think I feel this way as she has been married for 10 years but I might be more sensitive to her changes knowing it has come from him - if that makes sense.
Eg. she is a die-hard Beyonce fan and has every album and been to see her live etc. He is against women like Beyonce as she has songs that are degrading to men (he doesn't like feminists or anything) so she rang me upset saying he is refusing to speak to her until she gets rid of all her CDs and so she did - I said your an idiot and need to get a grip but it just made her more upset.

Also just to be clear - I would never actually tell the DH but I was wondering whether to threaten it so she would snap out of the fantasy and make a decision.

If She has not visited his house, and has no phone number for him he is probably married as well! Maybe try to get her to open up a bit more about her marriage if you can.Its not 1930 you know! even if her marriage broke down she would be entitled to a fair settlement .Its surprising how quickly you can go from being clueless about finances, to being 100 % clued up when you have to do them yourselves! It sounds like this man is a distraction .Believing in Aliens/Conspiracies is like a fantasy type life(maybe some are true)but many are not .Really nothing you can do really .Just be there as a friend and try not to judge her too harshly .She has obviously married young and may be regretting it!

I do have an image so I could do a google search just to see. The only thing I know is his first name which I can't guarantee is real.

It's all very well to say that it's none of the OP's business, but her friend has involved her in it by talking to her about it constantly. And I would actually have concerns about her mental health tbh, as this is out of character behaviour, so I wouldn't tell her to stop talking about it, as I would want to make sure she stays safe.

Other than that, you shouldn't get involved and you definitely shouldn't tell her husband. Particularly when the relationship is controlling, you don't know how he might react. (I wonder whether he already knows, or suspects, seeing as she's so obsessed with the OM?)

I have said I bet he is married - she screamed at me saying he would never lie to me.

I might start talking about her marriage more that's a good idea. I asked what if her DH found out and she says she's willing to take that risk.

@NoseyfriendNC

Try it, that's how we found out this guy my friend had started dating - and his stories weren't adding up - had a fiance

How on earth is she communicating with him then, how did she find out where he actually lives?

It sounds like she's getting brainwashed and emotionally manipulated. You can contact an organisation to get some advice but they will probably give you the generic advice around abusive relationships and since you don't have any evidence about him being dangerous, the police wouldn't bother. No matter what you tell her, she won't listen. The only way would be to appear supportive so she shares more information about him. Other than that it's a case of picking up the pieces when it hits the fan.

That is why I do 'like' to hear about it as she says she's meeting up with him tonight so I think at least I know roughly where she is.

I don't know how her husband doesn't know! This is one thing that I can't get my head around. She is definitely obsessed! She went from rarely using her phone to never having it out of her hand. She doesn't have many friends but now even in lockdown, she is going out all the time for 'walks'. The new man doesn't like kids so she has to tell her DH she's going out so he knows to look after the DCs.

How on earth is she communicating with him then, how did she find out where he actually lives?

It's on a messaging app. And she was just driving somewhere when she saw him unlocking a door and asked what he was doing there and he said he's moved in with his brother. She has seen a man go in there a few times but it's flats so it's hard to tell Could be a boyfriend though but I asked her this and she said he's definitely not gay apparently. He has said he has never had a relationship with anyone before.