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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask how far away you live from yours parents? ..... Dilemma...

126 replies

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:20

For reference - Myself and my DH are currently looking to buy a house between two areas..

a) My hometown where I have lived all my life and
b) a lovely picturesque town (one of mine and my partners favourite towns) approximately 15 miles away (40 mins drive) from my home town

For any locals who know the area.. my hometown option A is Sale, Trafford and option B is Knutsford in Cheshire.

I guess buying in my hometown would be beneficial in the fact that it is nearer to work and it is where both my parents live in the home where I grew up in. This is a huge pull for me to buy in my home town due to the fact that myself and DH would like to have children in a few years and my parents have previously kindly agreed that when we do have children they would like to care for them for a day or 2 during the week to help us out. My mother does not drive and would be relying on my father to come and visit us, there is no train or tram between both towns. To clarify; DHS parents currently live in France.

However; Knutsford is also being considered as an area that myself and my partner do love - although further away from work, we both have flexible jobs that allow us to travel outside of rush hour and I am able to WFH several days a week. The area is near to a large national trust park that you can walk in to, it is picturesque and it has a good community feel to it. If it wasn't for my parents living in the hometown, I think we would most likely chose option B (Knutsford).

I guess I was hoping for experiences from others; do you live near your parents? and if so; do you find that it has been useful to have their help with childcare etc. For those that don't live near their parents - if you had the choice, would you live closer to them? AIBU to consider a location based on where my parents live? (albeit; it would be closer to work too) How much weighting would you put on an area based on where your family live?

FYI: myself and DH are very close wih my family, we are currently renting nearby and invite each other over for tea several times a week! (before covid!)

Any advice/ experiences / stories welcome!!

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 01/06/2020 16:23

I wouldn’t call Knutsford-Sale far at all!
Go for it.

I live 350 miles or so away. Or as I prefer to call it, a safe distance.

ChocoholicMama · 01/06/2020 16:28

We live three hours from DM and DPIL. I would love to live within an hour. I’d definitely choose B in your position. 40 mins will not stop visits multiple times a week. Three hours, I can assure you, does

Powerplant · 01/06/2020 16:29

I lived 250 miles from my mum years ago it was very difficult looking after 3 children with no family support. However we lived near the beach, in a village with a wonderful community. Made some great friends who I relied on. With hindsight it would have been a lot easier to have lived nearer my folks.

Purpleartichoke · 01/06/2020 16:30

We live about 10 minutes from my husband’s parents. We did this intentionally once we had dd. We actually took a huge loss on our house to move closer to family because once we had a child we realized that having no backup was terrifying. Before the move it took a plane trip to get to family.

I have never lived close to my parents. I don’t have the best relationship with them to begin with, but even if I did, they have summer and winter homes very far apart from one another so it would be impossible to live near them the whole year.

WhatWouldDominicDo · 01/06/2020 16:30

Not far enough

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/06/2020 16:31

Our situation is v similar to yours. Parents 7 miles away and inlaws 14 miles away and MiL cant drive. My mum provided regular childcare, my inlaws occasional. It's not really realistic to expect your mum to do regular childcare if she cant get to you easily imo.

Bananasplitlady · 01/06/2020 16:32

15 miles is nothing! I did not want either set of grandparents to do childcare for dc when little, I preferred a private nursery, so that was never a factor for me - if it is a big deal for you, then you need to weigh that up. But 15 miles is so close, I'd go for b in your situation.

HappyDinosaur · 01/06/2020 16:33

My parents and in laws are doing the same and they live just over an hour away. As long as they are still willing to help I would go for the nicer area, though I'd probably have a chat with them about it first.

022828MAN · 01/06/2020 16:33

I live just down the road from you, OP. Both my DM and PIL are less than 2 miles from us. DM has been amazing help with DD, regular childcare, will help out for date nights, appointments etc. PIL don't really do anything and I'd happily be further away from them.

Mummyme87 · 01/06/2020 16:34

I live 300miles from most of my family, and 350miles from my mam and her husband. We live 220 miles from OHs parents.
I would kill to be closer to my family

Wing1ngit · 01/06/2020 16:35

Id go for Knutsford! I definitely wouldn't choose where to live based on parents vague offer of childcare for hypothetical children.

I have friends who have chosen location/jobs based on parents helping with DC and it didn't happen or work out. Don't fall into that trap!

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 01/06/2020 16:37

I live a 10 hour flight away from mine, and an hour and a half’s drive from the in-laws. FaceTime/Skype is wonderful!

Original poster

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:38

Sorry to hear from those that live so far away from your parents - my DH's parents live in France and we only see them once a year really - My DH finds it very difficult and he has never really had much support from them! I am very fortunate that my family are the complete opposite, myself and my DB have been wrapped in cotton wool really and have a very close relationship with both our parents! I suppose it must seem strange to some that I am considering 15 miles as being far away - if my mother drove and/or there was a bus/train between each town I don't think I would consider it as much of an issue!

OP posts:

JC12345 · 01/06/2020 16:39

I don't think Sale-Knutsford is too far particularly if you're not needing to commute in rush hour traffic. If you're planning children in the future it's worth considering schools. Trafford is well known for having great schools (not sure on Knutsford) both primary and particularly secondary so can make house prices higher depending on where you're looking.

GU24Mum · 01/06/2020 16:40

It's hard as it's all a bit hypothetical at the moment BUT if you see your parents "little and often" (as I tend to) and they are likely to do childcare and your mother doesn't drive, I'd definitely go for the closer option.

My children are older and my parents now early 80s. They'll have the children for some days in the school holidays (viruses aside of course......) and when we have to drive then then then back home to work, you wouldn't want something like that if they're 40 mins away.

DelurkingAJ · 01/06/2020 16:40

We’re a couple of hours (in opposite directions) from each set. Since having DC we’d love to be 30 minutes but that’s not where our jobs are and we can make up for it with paid childcare. Depending how old your DM is I’d be jumpy about relying on her for regular childcare...but amazing to have local back up and ad hoc babysitting (for which either place would be close enough!).

peopleherearerightcunts · 01/06/2020 16:42

We live 4 miles from my mum and step dad and 4 miles from MIL.
Both are great, we love living near by, we socialise together and they do help with childcare once a week each (during non covid times).
We're also only a 10 minute walk from my brother and SIL, the cousins love each other.
I'd hate to live away from them.
My dad was 300 miles away and died a few months ago, it's a source of great pain that he wasn't closer and I couldn't be with him regularly until the end.

KittenVsBox · 01/06/2020 16:43

How much does the price affect what you can afford in each area?
I don't think Knutsford is too far from your parents. It might be a long journey to work - although could you easily pass through Sale and drop any hypothetical kids at your parents rather than your parents coming to you?
Yes to checking schools (I cant imagine either place has bad schools tho).

Original poster

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:44

@Porcupineinwaiting

'Our situation is v similar to yours. Parents 7 miles away and inlaws 14 miles away and MiL cant drive. My mum provided regular childcare, my inlaws occasional. It's not really realistic to expect your mum to do regular childcare if she cant get to you easily imo.'

It does sound very similar! You are absolutely right, I can't rely on parents so much when it would require my DF to drive 15 miles - the odd weekend here or there would be fine - but picking up / dropping off DC from school etc becomes a lot more difficult, especially in rush hour!

We could afford childcare but the financial help would be quite considerable, particularly if we have more than 1 DC!

OP posts:

Original poster

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:46

@HappyDinosaur

'My parents and in laws are doing the same and they live just over an hour away. As long as they are still willing to help I would go for the nicer area, though I'd probably have a chat with them about it first.'

Wow that is really kind of them - do you mind me asking how it works? do both parents do the school run? has it been difficult for them to manage it with the distance? I assume they both drive?

OP posts:

MillicentMartha · 01/06/2020 16:50

I lived 45 miles away from my parents, around 1 hr 20 minutes. It was a bit too far. You couldn’t easily pop in for a couple of hours with very small children, any visit had to involve a meal, which was often sandwiches we brought ourselves. 15 miles sounds perfect.

Original poster

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:50

@Wing1ngit

'Id go for Knutsford! I definitely wouldn't choose where to live based on parents vague offer of childcare for hypothetical children.

I have friends who have chosen location/jobs based on parents helping with DC and it didn't happen or work out. Don't fall into that trap!'

When i say vague offer - I think my DM really means it - I keep getting asked when we are going to have children - all her friends have DGC and I can see she is getting grandma broody! She has already mentioned in the future she would like to have a room in their house for when their DGC stay over (jheez no pressure hey!)

Do you mind me asking why it didn't work out or happen with friends? (If you know - I realise it hasn't happened to you directly!)

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/06/2020 16:52

Yes talk to your parents. One solution might be that they look after the child(ren) at their house 1 or 2 days a week with you doing the dropping off/collection until school age, then you make other arrangements eg after school club.

shinyredbus · 01/06/2020 16:52

14 hours.

yearinyearout · 01/06/2020 16:55

It's a tricky one, on one hand I'd say live where you want to live. But on the other...when they are helping out with childcare it will be really handy to have them close by, sorry that isn't very helpful when making the decision!

Our parents all lived within a mile so were happy to pick up from school, babysit on an evening at the drop of a hat etc, I'm not sure they'd have been so willing if it involved a 30 mile round trip.

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