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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how far away you live from yours parents? ..... Dilemma...

126 replies

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:20

For reference - Myself and my DH are currently looking to buy a house between two areas..

a) My hometown where I have lived all my life and
b) a lovely picturesque town (one of mine and my partners favourite towns) approximately 15 miles away (40 mins drive) from my home town

For any locals who know the area.. my hometown option A is Sale, Trafford and option B is Knutsford in Cheshire.

I guess buying in my hometown would be beneficial in the fact that it is nearer to work and it is where both my parents live in the home where I grew up in. This is a huge pull for me to buy in my home town due to the fact that myself and DH would like to have children in a few years and my parents have previously kindly agreed that when we do have children they would like to care for them for a day or 2 during the week to help us out. My mother does not drive and would be relying on my father to come and visit us, there is no train or tram between both towns. To clarify; DHS parents currently live in France.

However; Knutsford is also being considered as an area that myself and my partner do love - although further away from work, we both have flexible jobs that allow us to travel outside of rush hour and I am able to WFH several days a week. The area is near to a large national trust park that you can walk in to, it is picturesque and it has a good community feel to it. If it wasn't for my parents living in the hometown, I think we would most likely chose option B (Knutsford).

I guess I was hoping for experiences from others; do you live near your parents? and if so; do you find that it has been useful to have their help with childcare etc. For those that don't live near their parents - if you had the choice, would you live closer to them? AIBU to consider a location based on where my parents live? (albeit; it would be closer to work too) How much weighting would you put on an area based on where your family live?

FYI: myself and DH are very close wih my family, we are currently renting nearby and invite each other over for tea several times a week! (before covid!)

Any advice/ experiences / stories welcome!!

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Nacreous · 01/06/2020 16:55

People have such different standards for this that it's hard to compare. I have a friend who thinks they "moved away" from their parents because they now live 3 miles away, and they think I live a really long way from mine (15 miles). I think I live really close because compared to most friends (50-150 miles) they live nearby.

I wouldn't be worrying about the distance in terms of parents but I would be giving heavy weight to the commute. Cutting my commute has improved my life immensely.

TwoBlueFish · 01/06/2020 16:57

Trafford schools are very good so make sure you e thought of that first.

Knutsford isn’t a huge distance but if your mum doesn’t drive then it will be tough. My mum lived in Stockport for a while (I’m close to your home town) and although she wanted to see us more regularly and wanted to help with childcare/baby sitting it wasn’t really practical as she can’t drive and it would have been 3 buses on public transport.

waltzingparrot · 01/06/2020 16:58

If you have children and want your DM to care for them on your days WFH, will you have to run them over to DM's house first?

Asdf12345 · 01/06/2020 16:58

Far enough to generally fly to my parents but only 45 mins from the in-laws. The in-laws are far too close.

HappyDinosaur · 01/06/2020 16:58

Our dd isn't at school yet so they come to look after her for the day, they know they can stay the night if they need to but don't usually. My mum doesn't drive so it's down to my dad, both my in laws drive. We didn't ask them to, they offered, but it is very kind of them. I think they see it as days out and know it won't be for all that many years over all. Obviously at the moment none of this is happening because of Corona virus. None of us see an hour as a long journey either really and 15 miles seems like nothing to me so I suppose it depends what you're used to.

BackforGood · 01/06/2020 16:59

If you actually had dc that your parents were currently helping you with, then I'd say go for the local option. People saying "it's not far" aren't really thinking through in terms of childcare. 40mins for OP or her dh to drive the dc over to her parents, and then 40mins back, before being able to start work, would make for a very early start to the day / late start to the working day. Then of course collecting them again at the end. With getting them in from the car and a little chat / handover, you are talking about 3hours of commuting per day!!

However I wouldn't choose where to buy a house on "we hope to have dc in a few years time and parents say they will help out with childcare". There are so many things in that that just might not happen, for a myriad of reasons, it would seem daft to not buy where you want to, for that theoretical scenario.

Original poster
Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 17:00

@peopleherearerightcunts
I am really sorry to hear about your father.. 300 miles is very far; it must have been really difficult! It sounds like you have a lovely close relationship with other members of your family, it is a massive advantage having family close to you and especially when DC are involved. I always wished I lived closer to my cousin growing up - she lives in Scotland and our relationship is predominately via social media / skype etc!

OP posts:
SparkyTheCat · 01/06/2020 17:03

Have a good think about what would/not work for you in terms not just of childcare, but of general levels of involvement in one another's lives if you were to move closer. DH and I live 50 and 250 miles away from our respective interfering DPs, partly because we decided that lack of practical help was a price well worth paying for having our own lives clear boundaries.

KelpHelper · 01/06/2020 17:06

Sorry to hear from those that live so far away from your parents

Don't be, it's entirely voluntary. I'm in my mid-40s and haven't lived in the same country as my parents, ILs or siblings since 1994. I genuinely can't imagine limiting yourself to living in places within a few miles of parents. There's a big world out there.

I should say I'm very fond of my parents, and we talk and visit often and they have a good relationship with my DS, but it's honestly never occurred to me to make it a factor in where I lived.

Original poster
Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 17:06

@waltzingparrot

Yes I guess so! Although my DF could collect them, he does drive - by the time they have got back to theirs and then taken them back to ours it would be a long trip! (2 x 1.5 hour journeys based on normal traffic conditions) I wouldn't want to put on my parents, particularly my dad driving TOO much - its difficult really!

OP posts:
cptartapp · 01/06/2020 17:19

SIL thought she had a great relationship with her parents too. All very cosy and 'close' so she moved next door with BIL and free childcare on tap.
PIL have since expected to be included in every aspect of their lives, passing comment, being generally over involved.
Now teens, the GP have become a source of frustration. There is no special relationship, just annoyance they won't back off a bit.
SIL would like to move, but PIL are older and increasingly frail and expecting 'payback' so now beholden, she has years of running round after them to look forward to.
DH is resentful because of all the prioritising of his sister and her DC over the years.
Just a cautionary tale.

frazzledfatty · 01/06/2020 17:23

I wouldn't base my decision solely on parental help but I think if you do need regular childcare then parents need to be as close as possible.

I live a 15 min walk from my parents & 15 min drive from inlaws as I pretty much stayed in the area of London I grew up in. I find it really handy & the fact both sets are close to each other's means we can go away without the dc too as they can share the load.

ImFree2doasiwant · 01/06/2020 17:28

I live 20 miles ish from my parents. My work is between me and them. When ds1 was a baby, I would take him to them before work, and they would meet me at work with him when I finished. Now I have 2dc, I meet them at work in the morning, then collect the dc from them after work (mum feeds them dinner so I just drive them home, put to bed) that's 1 day a week. They occasionally did 2 days and we would stay over. It was very very helpful, and lovy that dc and GPS have such a great relationship.

ImFree2doasiwant · 01/06/2020 17:30

My 20 mile journey takes 30minutes.

vanillandhoney · 01/06/2020 17:30

About half a mile from DH's parents.
20 miles from mine, which is about 40 minutes drive.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/06/2020 17:32

It just sounds as though you really enjoy your parents though. If you like to see them several times a week then it seems to me that easy, frequent contact with them is more likely to make you happy than any town.
If you are really basing your decision on what might work in the future for children you don’t yet have, shouldn’t you also be considering the schooling options, not just after-school care? Are the schools just as good in both towns?
Tbh, I think you should stay near your family. Their company is woven into your life, you choose it regularly, it’s something you enjoy. What could be nicer? People over places.

Chrisinthemorning · 01/06/2020 17:34

5 minutes walk from my parents in the same village. It was amazing when DS was a baby, loads of help. It has been great during lockdown as we have been able to sort shopping and social distancing garden visits easily.

frazzledfatty · 01/06/2020 17:35

I also never expected inlaws or my parents to do loads of childcare but they do some, they are great for babysitting, emergencies & just spontaneity.

ShanghaiDiva · 01/06/2020 17:36

5700 miles.
However, now relocating back to the UK after 25 years.

Iseeareddoor · 01/06/2020 17:38

However I wouldn't choose where to buy a house on "we hope to have dc in a few years time and parents say they will help out with childcare". There are so many things in that that just might not happen, for a myriad of reasons, it would seem daft to not buy where you want to, for that theoretical scenario

This. Anything could happen over the next few years.

I genuinely can't imagine limiting yourself to living in places within a few miles of parents

Same.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/06/2020 17:48

1hr
4hrs
Amother country

At least we always knew that there was no practical support which is better than unreliable family or having strings attached.

It's normally fine, but it's a bit crap during a pandemic! Particularly when you can hear the neighbours having their local parents in the garden for a short visit each day, and you haven't seen your mum in 3+ months (shielding and being risk adverse) and the DCs won't see MiL this year and probably at least 18m. I'll admit to being a bit fed up and jealous. Plus childcare was a PITA until I stopped working.

Ultinately though, we like where we live (particularly at the moment) and we were never under any illusions, plus our parents were too old for more than occasional babysitting anyway. I'm glad I'm not paying hometown prices and all the compromises that would entail.

DogInATent · 01/06/2020 17:51

A full days drive to one set of parents.
An overnight ferry with five hours driving to the other set.

As the crow flies they're both about 300 away miles. Or as we see it, a sensible distance for maintaining our sanity and identities as adult individuals.

SwayingInTime · 01/06/2020 17:52

I would rather raise my children in Knutsford. The grammar school system is all consuming and incredibly influential on your child's school experience. But you know this! We accidentally ended up in it and boy, am I glad I am doing it for the last time.

SwayingInTime · 01/06/2020 17:53

Also, can't you get the tram to Altrincham and change for Knutsford? I appreciate not all parts of Sale are near the tram.

Onone · 01/06/2020 17:59

Not far enough,they don’t help with childcare and neither do my in laws