AIBU to ask how far away you live from yours parents? ..... Dilemma...

[Balinesemountain]

For reference - Myself and my DH are currently looking to buy a house between two areas..

a) My hometown where I have lived all my life and
b) a lovely picturesque town (one of mine and my partners favourite towns) approximately 15 miles away (40 mins drive) from my home town

For any locals who know the area.. my hometown option A is Sale, Trafford and option B is Knutsford in Cheshire.

I guess buying in my hometown would be beneficial in the fact that it is nearer to work and it is where both my parents live in the home where I grew up in. This is a huge pull for me to buy in my home town due to the fact that myself and DH would like to have children in a few years and my parents have previously kindly agreed that when we do have children they would like to care for them for a day or 2 during the week to help us out. My mother does not drive and would be relying on my father to come and visit us, there is no train or tram between both towns. To clarify; DHS parents currently live in France.

However; Knutsford is also being considered as an area that myself and my partner do love - although further away from work, we both have flexible jobs that allow us to travel outside of rush hour and I am able to WFH several days a week. The area is near to a large national trust park that you can walk in to, it is picturesque and it has a good community feel to it. If it wasn't for my parents living in the hometown, I think we would most likely chose option B (Knutsford).

I guess I was hoping for experiences from others; do you live near your parents? and if so; do you find that it has been useful to have their help with childcare etc. For those that don't live near their parents - if you had the choice, would you live closer to them? AIBU to consider a location based on where my parents live? (albeit; it would be closer to work too) How much weighting would you put on an area based on where your family live?

FYI: myself and DH are very close wih my family, we are currently renting nearby and invite each other over for tea several times a week! (before covid!)

Any advice/ experiences / stories welcome!!

Thank you in advance!

@sparticuscaticus

Laughing to myself.. yes it was me! I was replying on my laptop and on the app logged in on my phone.

It looks like the app doesnt reset the username if you dont log out after changing it!

Lesson learned

We live in Wilmslow and the in laws are in Altrincham, so not quite as far, but we don't find it too bad. DD goes (pre corona) to theirs every Friday whilst we work, and round trip to drop her off and pick her up is a bit tiring but definitely doable.
Only thing is that we end up doing 90% of the legwork in travelling to them (unless the weather is good as like you say there are lots of national trust sites in Cheshire), and the big one - I'm really tempted to
move back to Trafford for the schools!!
Good luck!

I live somewhere in between the 2 so I know Sale and Knutsford well. If it were me I'd give Knutsford a try. Living in Sale you will know all about Trafford schools. After going through the palaver of 11+ I genuinely say this - it's not worth all the faff. Knutsford HS does GCSEs too
Seriously, living in Knutsford would save you a lot of blood sweat and tears in school angst.

Also, there is a train from Altrincham that goes to Knutsford which is fairly regular so just a quick change on the met.

Go for it. It's not that far. Enjoy long walks and picnics in the park, if you don't like it you can always move.

@Angeldust747

Thank you for your response, nice to hear from a relatively nearby local to ourselves!

Do you mind me asking how old your dd is? Do you think it will be difficult when she starts school? Would your parents be able to help with the school run?

Interesting you are considering moving back to Trafford, the schools are great but I have heard they can be really difficult to get in to! Do you have an area in mind? Altrincham is next door to us, I like the area (more so bowdon with it being quiet) but it's gone extortionate and prices have rocketed! Not that sale or knutsford is particularly cheap either 😅

@notangelinajolie
Another nearby local 👋
Thank you for your response!

You are so right about the schools in trafford, I went to a local grammar school when I was younger, 2 of my friends are now teachers at the same school and they have told me the intake of students compared to the number of students that apply is absolutely ridiclous. I did the 11+ when I was younger but now a lot of the grammar schools are replacing them with entrance exams that are supposed to be really hard, I was also told it's not based on area anymore so they are more willing to accept students from further afield !

We have always loved knutsford, it has kept a lot of its heritage with unique buildings and I think it's rare nowadays for villages and towns to keep their character! Lymm is also another consideration but there isnt much there for supermarkets/ public transport etc!

200 miles between us and each set of parents. In opposite directions. Ain't nobody just dropping in on us as a surprise!! 😂

I think so @SparticusCaticus.

It's always a bit confusing when OPs do that

I live a 30mins (approx) drive from my parents & 30mins (approx) from PiLs. There is a 30mins (approx) drive between them too. (Kind of like a triangle) would not change it for the world.

I dont know the areas, but from a purely living near parents point of view, If you are a close knit family that see each other multiple times a week, they are up for childcare and babysitting, your work commute is much shorter, they potentially will help with school holidays, be an emergency school contact in the future etc then I would go for A. You can always visit B.

Where are you living at the moment op?

It's not that we don't love them, but we are pretty independent and always have been. We don't want our parents involved in every aspect of our lives.

What does that have to do with proximity?

I'd choose to live close to my parents everytime. I used to live 120 miles from them, for 16 years. Then we got sick of the crime in our area (a city) and decided to move back to my childhood village. It was DH's idea, even though he's from the city. He loved how quiet it is and that I'd have my family. We moved just in time for DS to start primary school. My sibling lives in the same village with his family. We see my family at the weekends and often during the week too. I can walk up a safe cycle track to get to my sibling's family and then a few minutes more to get to my parents. We don't get much childcare as my parents can't cope with DS more than a night. I felt so isolated in the city, I don't have many friends. My kid goes to school with his cousins and sees them most weekends.

However, we didn't have a second choice. We just wanted this village. So it was easy to choose where to live. If you really like the other option then I can see how it would be harder. But for me, personally, family is absolutely everything. My kid sees his granny go past the house/school walking the dog, there is a great sense of community here too. People remember me from when I was a kid so I've just slotted back in to village life quite easily. I love showing DS all my old haunts!

I think I'll probably be caring for my parents when they get older, I have a feeling my mum will need me.

I live 4 hours drive from my mum, but 10 mins cycle or drive from my Dad.

I'd go for the closer option as it'll make a big difference with childcare and ease of meeting. My kids are teens now, but I love being able to meet my dad so easily. Living so close to him we can call in to see each other for quick cups of tea.

My mum lives next door to us! She used to live in a different County from us approximately 1.5 hours away. My sister lived 4 hours away and my mum and dad had split up a couple of years previously.

My mum decided she wanted to move nearer to family and she decided to move nearer to us. The house next door came up for sale and my DH suggested it would be perfect for my mum. Whilst she was in the process of buying the house I found out I was pregnant. It was decided that once I went back to work (when DS was 7 months) my mum would look after my DS. I had a long commute which meant leaving early so my mum used to come across to me in the morning so I didn't have to wake DS up if he was still sleeping. She walked miles with him in the pushchair as she didn't drive and joined play groups to ensure he met other children. We did pay my mum a monthly amount - nothing like the amount we would have paid a childminder - but that was because she gave up her job to look after my DS and she was a few years off receiving her state pension.

It worked out brilliantly and she is still very close to my DS who is now 20! She still lives next door and is now 80 so with the whole Covid situation she is in the vulnerable group so it is now our turn to take care of her.

We moved to Australia about 11 years ago, but after spending 6 months here when our twins were born, my parents moved to Australia, and my brother followed shortly after. So my family chose to live near me.

My parents live around the corner from us and my brother up the lake/river (we can see his house over the water). It’s lovely, as my twins have an excellent relationship with my parents and brother. I don’t work, so childcare is not required regularly, but they happily take the children to/from school or activities, in addition to taking the twins out or having the children at their house, as my parents enjoy spending time with my children. My children complain if they don’t see them for a day or two, and so we often just pop over for short visits whilst bike riding so they can just say “Hi” or tell them something good that’s happened.

I love that my children have such a close relationship with my parents. In fact, my children have seen my parents more in their lives than I had by their age (9), as my father was always abroad on business (my mother often with him), and my brother and I boarded on and off for years because of this, so it’s lovely to be able to spend time with them now. My parents are also easy going, have their own lives and interests, still travel regularly, and are not controlling or demanding. If they were controlling or demanding then it probably wouldn’t be much fun living so close to them.

I would choose the area you would like to live in, over living close to your parents, because you don’t have children yet and, even if you do, you cannot guarantee that your parents will be well/fit enough to provide as much childcare as they say they want. Your parents may also not realise that they can’t just go away on short notice if they are locked into a regular weekly childcare pattern and this can lead to resentment on both sides.

Choose the house/area over fictional children.

We lived 17 miles/30 moms away from my in laws - they still drove through for 7.30am once a week to look after our dcs for the day.

What are the school like in place B? If great then I would go for it.

Knutsford/Sale? Sale/Knutsford?
No contest. Knutsford.
If you don't do it before you have children, you won't do it after. I sometimes look after a child in my family ( before Covid ). 18 mile drive each way via M60

My parents moved house a couple of years ago. They used to live about a 15 minutes drive away, which I considered nearby, until they moved a 10 minute walk away. Not only is it absolutely lovely to see them so much more often, when DS was at school, it really helped us out on a fairly regular basis. I used to get home from work at 4.15pm, so would have had to pay the full £9 after school club for 45 minutes for DS, but my parents would collect him instead, and by the time I got back from work, they'd have usually just arrived home.
He did also go to clubs and after school childcare, but just once or twice a week, this was brilliant.
That, and a similar routine for breakfast club, saved us so much money but, more importantly, meant that DS got to see his grandparents regularly - not just in a "We're going visiting" kind of way, but just as a normal part of daily life.
I believe that's contributed massively to their relationship.
Also I love having them nearby. My father in law also lives within walking distance. You sound younger than me, so parents are probably younger but as they've got older it also means that we love living close in case they need us.
During covid it's been really easy for us to drop food round and have a wave from the end of the drive to them.

This is circumstance though for us, not planning and I don't know if I would base my house move on a hypothetical future. It's not really possible to predict what will happen
Good luck with your choice

I dont know the areas so cant comment on that.

It sounds like you and your H enjoy having a close relationship with your parents. Personally I would stay close by if you like to see them multiple times a week. You could move to this area you love but ultimately be lonely as your parents can't just drop round for a cuppa on a whim.

When it comes to childcare I feel 40mins travel especially when your mum dosnt drive will reduce their ability to help considerably.

Only you know if you want to live in this area more than you want to maintain this close relationship with your parents.

We live less than 1 mile from both parents, intentionally before we had children, for childcare purposes, so we have never had to pay for childcare. This has made a massive difference to us and enabled me to work part time (ie, if we had to pay nursery fees, I would have had to work full time to maintain same lifestyle). Also, we live in a relatively cheap area for housing, but one that we know well. I'd have thought housing is far more expensive in Knutsford than Sale, but that's just a guess.

We had a similar dilemma and chose to buy a house approx 1 mile from my parents who help with childcare and before/after school. I think it has made our life immeasurably easier and we don’t feel guilty asking for help as their only up the road/ 2 minute drive away. It’s also meant my son has a very close relationship with them which is lovely.

I think it's good to live close to family. We live a couple of hundred miles away and it's not easy. When my first was born 10 years ago I thought only about help with childcare - what my parents could do for us if they lived nearby. A lot can change in 10 years. Now one parent's health has dramatically declined and the other parent - well they're getting old. All I can think about now is what I could do for them! I just wish I was there to help them in their old age and poor health.

I wouldn’t live far from my parents.

You can’t expect them to travel to you to provide free childcare.

6 hours away.

You'll be fine, just go for the house and area you prefer

I live about 10 miles in the other direction from Knutsford, we have friends that live in Sale/Trafford Park.
If it was me I'd go for Knutsford every time. The new by-pass makes the journey quicker.