Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how far away you live from yours parents? ..... Dilemma...

126 replies

Balinesemountain · 01/06/2020 16:20

For reference - Myself and my DH are currently looking to buy a house between two areas..

a) My hometown where I have lived all my life and
b) a lovely picturesque town (one of mine and my partners favourite towns) approximately 15 miles away (40 mins drive) from my home town

For any locals who know the area.. my hometown option A is Sale, Trafford and option B is Knutsford in Cheshire.

I guess buying in my hometown would be beneficial in the fact that it is nearer to work and it is where both my parents live in the home where I grew up in. This is a huge pull for me to buy in my home town due to the fact that myself and DH would like to have children in a few years and my parents have previously kindly agreed that when we do have children they would like to care for them for a day or 2 during the week to help us out. My mother does not drive and would be relying on my father to come and visit us, there is no train or tram between both towns. To clarify; DHS parents currently live in France.

However; Knutsford is also being considered as an area that myself and my partner do love - although further away from work, we both have flexible jobs that allow us to travel outside of rush hour and I am able to WFH several days a week. The area is near to a large national trust park that you can walk in to, it is picturesque and it has a good community feel to it. If it wasn't for my parents living in the hometown, I think we would most likely chose option B (Knutsford).

I guess I was hoping for experiences from others; do you live near your parents? and if so; do you find that it has been useful to have their help with childcare etc. For those that don't live near their parents - if you had the choice, would you live closer to them? AIBU to consider a location based on where my parents live? (albeit; it would be closer to work too) How much weighting would you put on an area based on where your family live?

FYI: myself and DH are very close wih my family, we are currently renting nearby and invite each other over for tea several times a week! (before covid!)

Any advice/ experiences / stories welcome!!

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Dollywilde · 01/06/2020 17:59

I don’t know the area, but as others have said I’d base your decision on the facts as they stand rather than a myriad of hypotheticals. There’s nothing to stop you (or even your parents!) moving in 7/8/9 years’ time when you need help with the school run - but so much can change in that time. DH and I are coming to the end of our time living in a place we love due to children (need more space) - yes we could have moved to a more child friendly place 5 years ago but this place has been right for us now, and I’m glad we’ve lived here rather than first moving to somewhere that’s better suited to the future.
Hopefully not the case for you, but it took us a year to conceive and I think I’d have been miserable living in a child friendly house in a child friendly neighbourhood for that year and wishing we were still in our old part of town!

Dollywilde · 01/06/2020 18:01

Oh and sorry to answer your original question - I’m 1h away from parents now but currently looking to move 15 mins away due to aforementioned imminent DC! However that’s not for childcare - my dad’s in a wheelchair now and mum is his carer so they can’t commit to anything really. Like I say, you never know what the future holds.

Wecandothis99 · 01/06/2020 18:01

Jesus, I expected this to have been loving to the other end of the country so sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you probably need to move as being that dramatic implies you're wayyyyyy too reliant on them

Bringmewineandcake · 01/06/2020 18:02

My parents are about 45 mins drive away and have looked after my DC but they do it at my house. So your parents would only need to drive to and from yours once in a day, not the back and forth that you mentioned. I think so long as your dad is on board with the childcare then Knutsford won't be an issue. If he doesn't want the commitment then you'll need to stay closer for your mum to help.

sunlight81 · 01/06/2020 18:02

Knutty is lovely - I speak from experience!! Great schools, close enough to the city to commute but far enough to be in an quaint cheshire town. Having friends who live in sale (which really isn't far away) I would definitely choose knutsford!!

EventRider1 · 01/06/2020 18:06

3 miles from my parents and 7 miles from PIL. Just had first baby and they would have been very useful for support if it wasn't for covid!
I would actually hate to live far away from them but 15 miles really isn't much at all so I would say move if you prefer the area.

Blueuggboots · 01/06/2020 18:12

I live 10 miles from my mum and about 15 miles from my dad. No issues at all.

Tatum1234 · 01/06/2020 18:13

I live 4 streets away from my parents a and love being close to them, especially as they get older. The in-laws are about 20 mins away.

Immigrantsong · 01/06/2020 18:16

Our respective families are abroad (different countries) and frankly it's for the best. Zero interference.

gingerorange · 01/06/2020 18:17

12 thousand miles. It's a wee bit too far for my liking.

Dollywilde · 01/06/2020 18:17

Harsh @Wecandothis99 - it’s all relative (pardon the pun) to what you’re used to. And it doesn’t sound like OP’s dependent - just close with her family and thinking about the future. Nothing wrong with either of those things. I have a friend who live next door to her mum - I find weird but that’s because I’d go mad, if it works for them then that’s great!

2bazookas · 01/06/2020 18:24

At one time we lived 30 miles (different directions) from both our Mums and considered that an ideal distance. Close enough to invite for lunch but too far for them to pop over unannounced.

Almostalive · 01/06/2020 18:26

Could you consider Altrincham, Dunham or Hale? Simple commute from Sale on public transport. Trafford schools and countryside on your doorstep?

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 01/06/2020 18:26

5 miles away. 15 minute drive.

2Rebecca · 01/06/2020 18:26

8 hours drive from mine45 min from my husband. 8 hours is too far although usually I can get the sleeper down for the weekend. Convenience of travel matters as much as distance

Bienentrinkwasser · 01/06/2020 18:27

We’re about 30 minutes from my parents. Annoyingly they live in the opposite direction of my work (not their fault!) so my morning commute ends up taking about an hour and a half in order to do drop off in completely the wrong direction. It’s not ideal but in order to live closer to them, we’d have to live in a much less nice house and area than we do as we definitely couldn’t afford to buy in their village. However, it is free childcare from 7.30-5.30 two days per week!

PIL live about 2.5 hours away. They will still drop everything to help out in an emergency and often come and stay for a couple of days if we’ve got childcare issues. They are angels too!

Bluesheep8 · 01/06/2020 18:28

I don't know how many miles it is but it's a 2 hour drive. I love where I live but I do wish we we lived nearer to eachother.

DMCWelshcakes · 01/06/2020 18:30

110 miles from MIL, 120 miles from my DPs, 150 miles from FIL & his lovely partner.

Normally it's fine, but it's a bit of a bugger at the moment due to the fact that we're all in lockdown. I've not lived anywhere near my DPs since I was 18 though & I'm now in my 40s so I'm well used to it (and at least now I'm on the same land mass!).

I'd love to be able to have a shouty conversation with them all from the bottom of the drive though.

FatalSecrets · 01/06/2020 18:34

I’ve always lived very close to my parents (and we were 1.5 hours from ex’s parents)

It was made simpler for us though because I had met ex in my home town after he had relocated here.

I haven’t often used for childcare as they still worked until DD being 7/8 and taking early retirement. The emotional support and knowing they were 5 mins away is invaluable.

Good luck with your decision!

Sunshineonacloudyday20 · 01/06/2020 18:36

@swayingintime

I guess it would be an option- although it would be a walk to the tram station, tram to altrincham and then a train to knutsford... and then a walk to the house ! A bit of a faff =(

frazzledfatty · 01/06/2020 18:37

All families are different, when my brother bought his flat in East London my mum cried because it was "so far away" 🤣🤣

PurBal · 01/06/2020 18:40

DH and I both live 75 minutes away from our parents (parents live 30 minutes from each other, like a triangle). It's plenty close enough. Brother and SIL looking for a place 60 minutes away from them. Any closer is far too close.

PurBal · 01/06/2020 18:42

15 miles away in my head would be the same area. I grew up in a village 15 miles away from the school I went to. So... yeah... 15 miles is basically the same place. I walk 15 miles at the weekend and I wouldn't even say it was a particularly long walk...

IndieTara · 01/06/2020 18:42

Both sets of DD's grandparents live abroad so we never had the grandparent option of childcare. But if your preferrred option is still only 15 miles away I'd go with that

chocolicious · 01/06/2020 18:44

I lived 2 miles from my parents and 40miles from my in laws.Neither sets of parents regularly helped with childcare apart from during school holidays. My working hours were such that I could do school drop off and pick up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread