Neglectful family or me?

[Ecclescakes20]

Hi,

I am hoping to gain some much needed perspective and difference in views. I’m 33, and have just had my first baby after being married last year.

It’s fair to say I’ve struggled financially since finishing university, and as we all do, have had some big and brutal bumps in the road. I had £2k of debt to pay, or the uni said I wouldnt get my degree. My parents refused to help, and my friends bailed me out.

Bumps range from losing jobs to having money stolen from me. I was also taken by a builder who bodged work on my house, and it’s taken my husband and his dad over a year to fix themselves, as we couldn’t afford more builders.

My parents, to be straight, are apparently wealthy. They own numerous houses and businesses, have a collection of expensive cars etc. They work hard, and have had good fortune.

My mum adopted my step fathers daughter recently, as her mother died which is obviously awful.

I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.

The adopted sister is 18, and just finished school.

I have been told that if you want something in life, there are no handouts, go and earn it if you want it. This has been my path.

Over the years I feel more and more resentful to my parents. My sister seems to get her life remapped and fixed with every new drama, and recently has been bought a house and had it fully renovated for her. While she bought it from them for what they paid, she made a lot of money and has a lovely new home.

My house has leaked for over a year, and they haven’t even as much as phoned me about it. I spoke to my mum and she said they would give us some money to fix it, as I was pregnant and we really were in a bind.

This never materialised and have had to save and husband do the work himself.

The final straw came when my grandmother died, and I found out they had lied about inheritance. When questioned, they emailed me with a threat of legal action. I was 6 months pregnant. They bought the 18 year old a flat with my family money, and gave her a huge chunk of money, which was not in the will. We were told expressly that it was, and I feel duped by This man.

I want to know if I am being unreasonable, if I should be more adult and realise I am not their responsibility. I just feel that I am being laughed at, and it’s broken our relationship.

When I couldn’t take any more I opened up and told them all of this. They now say they don’t want to contact again, and will never see my son.

It’s heartbreaking but I just need some differing opinion as I am going out of my mind.

Please be kind, but please be honest.

Thanks

They sound absolutely awful OP - horrible, unfair, heartless people.

It won’t feel like this way for a while, but you will be much better off without them in your life. They don’t deserve to have a relationship with you or your baby, and you deserve much more than this cruelty.

Yeah appreciate I am being a little confusing with the posts:

I am upset as the way I was told by him post university was get lost and go get things in life. The same is not for the other 2 and especially his daughter.

To cut their child and grandchildren out to me is deapicable, and shows their value set perfectly.

I appreciate we are not destitute, £25k is a lovely sum. We tried to invest it to good use and it backfired. When we need help, even just moral support they are nowhere.

I can see from some of the posts that I have maybe looked at the step sister situation in a wrong Way, I appreciate the comments!

Thought you were unreasonable until I read about your grandmother. That's shameful.

I think I'd go NC

Her parents have taken that decision from her as they are going no contact with her

But is the "apparent wealth" you refer to the stepfather's money that he brought to the table when he got with your Mum. Maybe when her mother died there was money in trust for her to buy that property. She was after all under 18 otherwise your Mum could not have adopted her.

You got your inheritance. Your mum matched it for her (adopted) daughter because Gran presumably had not updated her will not considered this eventuality when she made the will.

Your other sister has not had a house bought for her if she has mortgaged it and is paying them back. Perhaps she would not have got a mortgage otherwise.

Maybe if you have kicked off about all this they don't feel inclined to be generous towards you.

If your grandmother didn’t wish to leave money to your stepsister, it’s not up to your family to redistribute her estate.

The step fathers daughter wasn’t named in the will. We were told she was and they effectively gave her the same from their pocket.

So you got your inheritance - your step,sister didn’t inherit and her parents generously made it up out of their own money?

I personally have never had any help from my parents as one is dead (I was barely an adult when they died) and the other estranged. I’ve had to live my life knowing there’s no net to catch me. If I fuck up then no one will be there to hold my hand and pick up and put me back on the right and pay my debts and put a roof over my head etc...

I’ve always had to live a cautious life, really considering the options I chose if that makes sense?

On the other hand I have a friend who’s parents are loaded and have practically held her hand throughout her life (she’s 42!)

Mam and dad gave her the deposit to buy a house in a nice area, there spent years looking after her DC (their granddaughter) they let her and her daughter live with them for years.

Do yo what I’ve learned? That too much input and reliance on patents can be beneficial but I think it can have a dark side too.

My friend got pregnant and 19 with an absolute divvy. Low and behold he left her after a few months (like no one seen that coming) so what happened? Mammy and daddy took her in.

She went on to have a string of relationships with absolute idiots. You knew it would end in disaster as soon as you met them and of course every time it did end. If course when they broken her and spent all her money, mammy and daddy were there again to pick her back up.

Then the daughter went off the rails gets pregnant at 14. I think she viewed her mam (my friend) as a sister rather than a parent because the grandparents were seen as the authoritarians.

I mean that was years ago now. Her farther recently died and my friends now in a much better place and married a sensible descent guy last year.

My point is she made many reckless choices and I believe that’s because she knew she could relay on her parents to pull her out if it got too messy. Imo their involvement help facilitate her to make bad choices in her life, probably not consciously.

I had to be very wary and actually I’m in a good position because of it now. I often used to be envious of how lucky she was for having her parents do everything and be there for her in every way but as time passed I realised that all that help wasn’t necessarily beneficial to her after all.

Your patents sound strange to be honest OP. I can understand them taking a back seat however it’s unfair to hold a different view with different children. They actually sound awful tbh.

Sounds like you’d be better off without them. You’ll have your baby and your partner. It’s their loss.

If your grandmother didn’t wish to leave money to your stepsister, it’s not up to your family to redistribute her estate

It absolutely is - if their parents left money to them (as well as the bloodline grandchildren), absolutely up to the, what they do with their inheritance

@Aridane yes they did, They also bought her a property on top

My sister does NOT have a MH condition. I wouldn’t never talk of or judge those that do. Her extreme behaviours resulted in her being seriously considered for it. I would never make light of MH so please don’t make that assumption. Thank you.

Wow

What are the terms under which they bought the flat for your step sister? Is she expected to buy them out like your sister did?

How did you buy your house, OP?

Ov9 - the reason it is mentioned that she is adopted, is as I have said, it’s the step fathers daughter

It? It?

Your step,sister is not an it

I would get a copy of the Will and see a barrister about what actions you can take re an unlawful distribution.

THE OP GOT HER INHERITANCE

SHE JUST DOESN’T LIKE THAT HER ADOPTED SISTER - NOT INCLUDED IN THE WILL AS NOT A ‘BLOOD’ GRANDCHILD - WAS GIVEN A SUM OF MONEY FROM THEIR OWN POCKETS

@Aridane, the way I read OP was that her bequest was reduced and partially redistributed to the stepsister. If Mom gave her share to the stepsister, that would be mother’s decision.

No OP said she got her share. The mother gave the adopted daughter money from her own inheritance not OP's.

Few things why the hell did you owe uni 2k was this student halls or library fees? Did your parents send u to private school and the adopted step sister didnt benefit?

I had to do everything myself in life and I didnt attend graduation as my mum wanted me to pay and I couldn't afford it.

You chose a bad builder things happen u was given 25k and used it all. Your real sister chose to buy a house deposit. The step sister had a flat bought outright with 25k and help from her dad - hes not your dad why doesnt your dad help out more?

I wouldn't expect my mums husband to buy me a house but he may buy his own daughter one as long as my mum didnt help that's fine. Some parents are rubbish and when u have kids dont expect much support hopefully u have kind inlaws xx

I remember a therapist saying to me a while back "not every family is like the Waltons" - ain't that the truth?! I understand your hurt and I would be too. However, get on with your life, for whatever reason they are siding with your sister so let them.. I know it hurts but pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with YOUR life. If you want to write them a letter, donthat but that may make things worse if you give them a few home truths.
Someone said to me recently, lower your expectations as families do not always act the way we would like them to.
Get on with your life, you have your little family unit so they are your priority. When your parents come asking for help, and they will because your sister won't know how to help them then you can say no. Good luck and concentrate on you, your husband and your baby. Good luck!

look at the sliver lining, when your parents need help you can ignore them with a clear conscience.
It might be hard for you to appreciate now but this will save you an enormous amount of stress and grief 'when the time comes', you are free of them, you owe them nothing:)

What age was the little girl when your mum adopted her?

While I can understand your grandmother not including step children in her will, this little girl became your mothers daughter. She is now your sister, not your step sister.

Would it be worthwhile meeting just your mum and talking this through calmly? Explain you feel your haven’t been nurtured and loved as much as the other two girls, and see what she says. She will likely become defensive. But you will at least get it off your chest.

I suspect a previous poster has it right in that your adoptive sister was left money in trust from her late mother and it's that money which has bought the property.

Your other sister hasn't had a house given to her at all if she's mortgaged it to pay back your parents.

Whilst going no contact with a child is horrible I don't actually think you've been as badly treated financially as you want us to think.

They're being crap to you.

You need to find a way to hold your head up and feel deep down that they've got nothing you want. After all, all the money in the world won't fix the way they've treated you, will it. And it's been going on for so long that even if they grovelled, it would be hard to accept an apology.

So, move on. They are not nice people, but you don't need them in your life. You have money struggles? Well, you can manage that without getting bitter at what you could have had.

It must feel horrible for you, though.

Probably best not to let them have any kind of financial hold over you, as they would expect some form of payback, I am quite sure.

I just feel the other side could be equally valid. Losing your mum is the most horrendous thing and your reaction seems out of step with your mum's response which has been so kind. It can't have been an easy thing to do. Did you ever try to support her or has this competitive element always been uppermost?

Giving your adopted sister the same amount of money seems fair to me and it seems like her Dad bought her a flat.
They don’t seem like nice people, and you don’t seem to like them. I’d cut ties.