Neglectful family or me?

[Ecclescakes20]

Hi,

I am hoping to gain some much needed perspective and difference in views. I’m 33, and have just had my first baby after being married last year.

It’s fair to say I’ve struggled financially since finishing university, and as we all do, have had some big and brutal bumps in the road. I had £2k of debt to pay, or the uni said I wouldnt get my degree. My parents refused to help, and my friends bailed me out.

Bumps range from losing jobs to having money stolen from me. I was also taken by a builder who bodged work on my house, and it’s taken my husband and his dad over a year to fix themselves, as we couldn’t afford more builders.

My parents, to be straight, are apparently wealthy. They own numerous houses and businesses, have a collection of expensive cars etc. They work hard, and have had good fortune.

My mum adopted my step fathers daughter recently, as her mother died which is obviously awful.

I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.

The adopted sister is 18, and just finished school.

I have been told that if you want something in life, there are no handouts, go and earn it if you want it. This has been my path.

Over the years I feel more and more resentful to my parents. My sister seems to get her life remapped and fixed with every new drama, and recently has been bought a house and had it fully renovated for her. While she bought it from them for what they paid, she made a lot of money and has a lovely new home.

My house has leaked for over a year, and they haven’t even as much as phoned me about it. I spoke to my mum and she said they would give us some money to fix it, as I was pregnant and we really were in a bind.

This never materialised and have had to save and husband do the work himself.

The final straw came when my grandmother died, and I found out they had lied about inheritance. When questioned, they emailed me with a threat of legal action. I was 6 months pregnant. They bought the 18 year old a flat with my family money, and gave her a huge chunk of money, which was not in the will. We were told expressly that it was, and I feel duped by This man.

I want to know if I am being unreasonable, if I should be more adult and realise I am not their responsibility. I just feel that I am being laughed at, and it’s broken our relationship.

When I couldn’t take any more I opened up and told them all of this. They now say they don’t want to contact again, and will never see my son.

It’s heartbreaking but I just need some differing opinion as I am going out of my mind.

Please be kind, but please be honest.

Thanks

[Ecclescakes20]

Ov9 - the reason it is mentioned that she is adopted, is as I have said, it’s the step fathers daughter. It has nothing to do with comparison or actual family vs step or adopted. I am simply trying to keep explanation clear to show the step fathers role in this.

[Cornishclio]

There is obviously a lot of resentment here about the way your DM and stepdad help your Step sister and not you but I am unclear if you actually got any money from your GM will? If you did then I do not see what the issue is other than the fact that your step sister received money but again I am unclear whether that is your parents money they have given her or from your GM estate. Are you saying your share is smaller because it is shared with your sister? Very few wills say blood relatives only should inherit and as your mum adopted your step sister surely she would also be entitled to a share of the estate? Regardless of all that you are on a hiding to nothing unless you want to take legal action which is costly. Surely if you inherited a large amount from your GM you can afford to get the leak fixed? I suggest you take a step back from this toxic relationship as for whatever reason it sounds like they do not care about you. Focus on your husband and DS and from the sound of it your husbands family are supportive.

Obviously at the moment money is tight because you have had a baby and are doing up your house but you need to let go of this idea that because your parents are wealthy they should help you. When do you return to work? Is your husband employed?

[SunshineCake]

Your mother adopted her so she is your mothers child. The fact she is your step fathers child too is of no relevance.

[Ecclescakes20]

We used the money to extend the house, and hopefully sell, try and keep going up the ladder.

The builder did a job on us, so we can’t do anything.

[FrodoTheDodo]

I'd love to hear your familys side.

If the Step-daughter was able to buy a flat from the money they gave her to equal your inheritance (which did not come out of your GMs money!) then it must have been a substantial amount you did inherit.

What happened to it since you're struggling with debt and living in a house you can't afford to upkeep?

[Ecclescakes20]

No, she got the same, it was £25k. They then purchased her a property on top of that

[therona]

So your mother was left money by your grandmother and used some of it to buy your stepsister a property?

[Bringmewineandcake]

It seems incredibly unfair that your sister has a flat bought for her when you were only a couple of years older when your request for help was turned down.
When did your stepfather enter your life? Was it the decision of him and your mum to say no, or your mum and biological dad?

[WhatsTheFrequencyKennneth]

Move on, keep them at arms length and don't expect anything from them

[Supersimkin2]

OP, your parents are mean. They play favourites too.

Buying one child a house and leaving the other one to struggle is no way to behave. I'm amazed they didn't put up an estate agents's sign outside her flat reading

TWO-BED WITH ENSUITE! COS WE LOVE THIS KID MOST!!!

The point is there's 0 you can do. 0.

That's hard.

Your only hope is to disengage, slowly, and stop minding. Keep your distance. Don't let the baby near them much as s/he grows up, they're not reliable.

[Winterlife]

I would get a copy of the Will and see a barrister about what actions you can take re an unlawful distribution.

If your mother wants to stop contact, that is her prerogative. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship in any event. Make your husband's family your family.

[Tistheseason17]

so you got £25K, OP??? Not to be sniffed at.

You were unlucky with builders but you cannot blame that on your DM. She's not going to through good money after bad.

[QuizzlyBear]

I know the perceived favouritism hurts, but from another perspective...

My mum fostered when we were young, so we had a lot of young kids through our doors who had never really experienced a 'normal' family. My mum insisted to everyone that they were treated the same as her own kids, otherwise all the work we did every day to assure them they were part of the family would backfire. She once had to tell my grandparents not to buy my siblings and I Christmas gifts because they refused to buy also for the foster kids.

Perhaps your DM and DSF have been trying to 'correct' a perceived slight to the adopted sibling?

[2bazookas]

The step fathers daughter wasn’t named in the will. We were told she was and they effectively gave her the same from their pocket.

The step fathers daughter has a flat bought from the proceeds of my grandmothers money

. You also said, your mother had recently adopted SFD. IOW your mother, and the law, regards SFD as her daughter.
What your mother does with money she inherited from grandmothes estate is entirely up to her and if she wanted to buy SFD a flat with it that's none of your business

Then you claim they "gave" your sister a house; but you also said she BOUGHT IT FROM THEM.

Then you described sister as "a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis.". But frankly, your adult life sounds just like it.

Your comment about sister "almost sectioned" makes no sense at all. That's a purely medical decision that would only be considered if she had a MH problem.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It actually sounds like you get quite a lot of help but brush past it because you want more.
You stated you don't expect help from anyone in the op, but your friends bailed you out at uni. You got inheritance from your gp but instead of thinking lovely, you focus on the fact that your adopted sister got the same. Ffs. Doesn't she deserve a bit of help?

[Ecclescakes20]

Step father came in as I was leaving for Uni. He has always been very untrustworthy with money, and I have heard of some of his business dealings. He may be wealthy but he has crushed people unnecessarily at times.

It is his call and my mums, it always seems to be in favour of his daughter and the passing of my grandmother and the resulting money grab was just to far for me.

Thanks everyone for the honest responses, and apologies if I fill detail as I go, As I am sure you can appreciate there is a lot of detail!

[randomer]

Vile people. I found out that money and " family" are a hideous mix.

Stand on your own 2 feet, get away from them, get therapy. Its not you.

[FrodoTheDodo]

It doesn't seem fair but depends on a number of things. How long has Step-Dad been in your lives? Where is your biological Dad? Did you/will you inherit from him in the future? Has a lot of the money your Mum and Step-Dad have come from your Step-Dad? Either his earnings, existing wealth or inheritances?

You don't have to answer any of those questions of course but it's difficult to figure out what's gone on and your posts have been confusing at times.

[Hilda40]

Thank you for answering my direct question. You have been treated poorly but at least not swindled.

[randomer]

By the way, your parents are narcissitic, manipulative game players.

[Nevertouchakoala]

Ok Think I’ve got it. You feel that you’ve struggled a lot when they could have helped you out and the they give an 18 year old the same amount you got from your granny’s will. That is your mums choice as it cake from her money so they’ve not done anything wrong but I can see why you’re upset

[Ecclescakes20]

Regarding the sisters and houses, please bare in mind there are 2. One was bought a house, had it renovated, she then mortgaged it from them at the purchase price.

His daughter was bought a flat outright

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'm actually really surprised at the responses on here given that you asked for honesty, not sympathy.
You've had 27k of help that you've detailed already, that's £27k more than most adults, you don't want either of your sisters to have help, you don't think your dh should have had to do the work on his own house. Your parents don't want to help you any more; maybe consider why this is.

[lowlandLucky]

Good God, you poor soul, i cant imagine how hurt you must feel. Focus on your family, your Husband, your baby and in laws. You can get a copy of your Grandmothers will online, make sure you do it, your parents have obviously been up to no good and that is why they have threatened you, do allow them to rob your Grandmother of her last wishes.
Be strong and send the message that you will not be walked over anymore.

[Aridane]

I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.

You lost me there