Neglectful family or me?

[Ecclescakes20]

Hi,

I am hoping to gain some much needed perspective and difference in views. I’m 33, and have just had my first baby after being married last year.

It’s fair to say I’ve struggled financially since finishing university, and as we all do, have had some big and brutal bumps in the road. I had £2k of debt to pay, or the uni said I wouldnt get my degree. My parents refused to help, and my friends bailed me out.

Bumps range from losing jobs to having money stolen from me. I was also taken by a builder who bodged work on my house, and it’s taken my husband and his dad over a year to fix themselves, as we couldn’t afford more builders.

My parents, to be straight, are apparently wealthy. They own numerous houses and businesses, have a collection of expensive cars etc. They work hard, and have had good fortune.

My mum adopted my step fathers daughter recently, as her mother died which is obviously awful.

I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.

The adopted sister is 18, and just finished school.

I have been told that if you want something in life, there are no handouts, go and earn it if you want it. This has been my path.

Over the years I feel more and more resentful to my parents. My sister seems to get her life remapped and fixed with every new drama, and recently has been bought a house and had it fully renovated for her. While she bought it from them for what they paid, she made a lot of money and has a lovely new home.

My house has leaked for over a year, and they haven’t even as much as phoned me about it. I spoke to my mum and she said they would give us some money to fix it, as I was pregnant and we really were in a bind.

This never materialised and have had to save and husband do the work himself.

The final straw came when my grandmother died, and I found out they had lied about inheritance. When questioned, they emailed me with a threat of legal action. I was 6 months pregnant. They bought the 18 year old a flat with my family money, and gave her a huge chunk of money, which was not in the will. We were told expressly that it was, and I feel duped by This man.

I want to know if I am being unreasonable, if I should be more adult and realise I am not their responsibility. I just feel that I am being laughed at, and it’s broken our relationship.

When I couldn’t take any more I opened up and told them all of this. They now say they don’t want to contact again, and will never see my son.

It’s heartbreaking but I just need some differing opinion as I am going out of my mind.

Please be kind, but please be honest.

Thanks

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb

Giving your adopted sister the same amount of money seems fair to me and it seems like her Dad bought her a flat.
They don’t seem like nice people, and you don’t seem to like them. I’d cut ties.

I should proof read. Seems like I use the word ‘seems’ too much it seems.

[Thelittleweasel]

The only thing that I can pick from that concerns the sad situation of the relative. I am assuming that there was a will. This is a public document and can be obtained [it used to be St Catherine's House but I am out of touch]. All you can do is to see that the will was correctly administered and if not then you will have to go to court.

[titchy]

Actually thinking about it obviously the youngest sister is now inheriting from her late mother having reached the age of 18. Where else would the inheritance go?

[viques]

OP, I understand how families get resentful around money and wills. It happened in my family too, and more than once! But there comes a point when you have to shrug your shoulders and save it for a story to tell your friends and your adult children in the distant future.

From what you said it sounds as though quite a few of these things happened in the past, the university fees for example , after 11 years you really do need to let it go.

Your parents gave your stepsister some money from their own resources because they clearly felt it wrong that she lost out on the inheritance from your grandparent. Their money, their decision. Same as helping your other sister, and the stepsister with their houses. Their money, their choice. You feeling resentful and angry is not going to change the situation, it is only going to make you bitter.

You have a degree, a husband, a house, a new baby. Those are all good things you have in your life , be proud, count your blessings.

[Herja]

@slipperywhensparticus

If they misappropriated the will I would take it to court

This. Fuck it, if they treat you like this, I'd not consider them family anyway.

[titchy]

If they misappropriated the will I would take it to court

They didn't misappropriate at all - op received her full inheritance.

[AJPTaylor]

Putting it out there.
Your mother has legally adopted her? So you and your natural sister were left money in your grandmothers estate. Separately she used the money she was left to ensure her adopted daughter got the same?
How much did you inherit?

[Herja]

Yup titchy. I utterly failed to rtft .

None the less, if the OP is correct that the [adopted] sister was bought a home also (rather than it coming from her mothers estate now she's 18, which I agree, seems more likely), then I'd feel massively slighted having been left pregnant, screwed over and in a leaking, broken house after my mum had offered me money which never materialised.

This is clearly a hugely toxic family dynamic, whatever happened. It's probably better if the dust is left to settle for quite a while. I'd certainly be in no hurry to make any form of contact again after being threatened with court and told my son would be ignored.

[Orphlids]

OP, the people whose responses are solely focused on the money, and telling you you have no right to be upset, have been lucky enough not to experienced emotionally abusive parents. They are imagining how they would feel if they received a large sum of money from their parents, but they are (fortunately for them) unable to understand the damage done to you by parents who made you the scapegoat child.

Your mother has announced she wants no further contact with you or your child. This is not normal. A loving mother doesn’t just suddenly morph into someone as unfeeling and cruel as this overnight. The fact she has told you this suggests she has always been capable of huge emotional abuse. It is very common for narcissists to suddenly cut people off (often apparently without emotion) as a punishment. Many people reading your post don’t have any idea of what you have probably been subjected to over the years, so to them, it seems you’re just pissed off about the money. You’re allowed to be pissed off about the money, but I know this runs very much deeper for you.

I asked for advice on here about a narcissistic parent recently, and a one respondent recommended an excellent Facebook group called Necessary Family Estrangement, which I have since joined, and find extremely helpful. Best of luck to you.

[Babayaggatheboneylegged]

Why did you have £2k of debt to your university at the end of your degree? You haven’t given that detail and it may explain why your parents wouldn’t help but your mates would.

I’d also imagine it’s very very difficult to ‘almost be sectioned’ if you’re completely mentally well. What was the upshot of that incident.

Lots of telling detail seems to be missing

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

Usually if you're the one everyone else has an issue with I'd say to look at yourself. You sound nasty about your sister's mental health.

You sound angry about your other sister's existence, calling her it etc. You also sound bitter about her receiving the same amount of inheritance as you, it doesn't affect you, you got 25k, that's more financial help than many receive in a lifetime. Her gaining that money took nothing away from you so it's pure nastiness from you. Your mum and stepdad may be trying to compensate in some way for the death of her mother. I'm sure she'd rather have her mother alive than have 25k. Also, they didn't buy her a house as a gift. It's a loan that she'll pay back. Again, this makes no difference to your situation or life at all. You just don't like seeing other people receive things.

[Igenixx]

OP you did ask to be “kind” but also “honest”, so I’m going to try to do just that.

There’s a lot in your posts and a few things you kind of mentioned very briefly as ‘bumps” since leaving university “as we all do”, (but which I don’t think we all do at all) that might shed more light on your situation with your parents. My questions are:

Why were you owing the university £2,000 in fees? I didn’t get the feeling you were an international student?
You mentioned job losses, how many jobs and briefly why?
You had money “stolen” from you -How much and how did this happen?
Issue with cowboy builder - Did you pay all in one lump sum? What have you done to get some of your money back?

[picklemewalnuts]

So no one has given or taken any money they shouldn't.

Your grandmother left you and your sister money. Your mother and step father chose to give the same to your adopted sister.

Your stepfather joined the family when you were already an adult. Is that the difference do you think? He doesn't feel responsible to you in the way he does for the younger children?

Also, is the money his or your mum's?

Where is your father?

[EggGarnish]

I will reiterate what plenty of others have said, seek legal advice about the will. Apart from that, cut ties. They seem spiteful. I can’t imagine not helping my child.

[CSIblonde]

It sounds like they see your sister as helpless golden child but assume you'll manage. That must make you feel she's the favourite. I'd do as pp's say & get a copy of the will & then challenge it & go NC after that. The threatening you with legal action would be the last straw for me. They went too far & I'd not want that level of spite in my life.

[0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h]

csi She wasn't cheated out of her inheritance. She is annoyed that her parents chose to personally match the amount she inherited and give it to their adopted child, out of their own pocket, while not bailing her out as frequently as she would have liked.

[Aridane]

I am very sorry - if I am honest , it would not be kind

The poster below summarises it well

Usually if you're the one everyone else has an issue with I'd say to look at yourself. You sound nasty about your sister's mental health.

You sound angry about your other sister's existence, calling her it etc.You also sound bitter about her receiving the same amount of inheritance as you, it doesn't affect you, you got 25k, that's more financial help than many receive in a lifetime. Her gaining that money took nothing away from you so it's pure nastiness from you. Your mum and stepdad may be trying to compensate in some way for the death of her mother. I'm sure she'd rather have her mother alive than have 25k. Also, they didn't buy her a house as a gift. It's a loan that she'll pay back. Again, this makes no difference to your situation or life at all. You just don't like seeing other people receive things.

[Nymeriastark1]

Sorry but I agree with @WaterOffADucksCrack. This is a drip feed thread. You worded your op in a way to make it sound you had inheritance take from you and given to your adopted sister. And then slowly drip fed that it was just matched by your parents so it was fair. And that your 25k wasn't enough and you haven't had enough help. Most people don't get handed 25k in their life time. You say your relationship with them isn't good and they don't help you with anything, so just move on with your life. What else can you do. I really don't see the issue about them matching your inheritance why does it matter? Do you think you are more entitled to your parents 25k than your sister is? So 50k for you and 0 for your sister. Like what @WaterOffADucksCrack said It makes no difference to you.

[MintyMabel]

They used some of their inheritance to buy his child a flat. Nothing wrong with that.

OH’s grandma left our daughter a bit of money. She said it was because I had been so kind to her. I met her maybe three times, once at FIL’s funeral where I held her hand through the service because she was sitting next to me and was upset. She wasn’t a very nice person but as I hadn’t ever been on the end of her vicious tongue, it was easier for me to do that than for OH or BIL who had spent years being treated like shit by her. I also wanted to make sure MIL didn’t have to deal with her on that day.

She left nothing to BIL who doesn’t have children. MIL gave him the same amount from what was left over and was going to her. Her money, her decision. I’d probably have done the same.

SS has taken nothing from you, unless you had your beady eye on money from your mum when she dies? You clearly don’t like her, but your mum does and that’s what matters.

[FlyAwayLikeABird]

My grandmothers my step grandmother I've known her since I was 7. I got included the same when my grandfather (sorry, step grandfather) passed away.

[vikingwife]

Your description of your step sister is quite cold I must say. You lost me with your ignorant & insensitive comments about mental illness...

Mental health issues are diagnosed based on behavioural assessment & observation of behaviours over time.

Going from one crisis to another & having a chaotic life leading to you being considered for sectioning indicates the presence underlying, undiagnosed medical condition.

Based on what you’ve said here, your stepsister could very well have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar (that’s what I have) - both those conditions can easily look to others as though you enjoy chaos & lurch from one drama to the next & enjoy causing destruction to your life.

Most people with conditions like these aren’t diagnosed until their 20s or later, because teenagers are known for their moodiness / emotional instability so it takes time to separate what are normal difficult behaviours vs what are not.

Nobody is “almost” sectioned without a probable underlying mental health issue being present. You seem to believe she needs to be hallucinating & speaking in tongues to be considered mentally unwell.

Your dismissive attitude about this & casual disregard of her mental well-being lead me to believe that other parts of your story are missing, or have been disregarded because your perception of this aspect is so clearly off base.

[Haretodaygonetomorrow]

There sounds to be mental health issues in your sisters life which you are dismissive/ disbelieving of. They may find that hard to take, especially if they are the ones supporting her through it. It’s not an excuse to treat you differently but they may see you as successful and able to manage on your own two feet.

[CrumpetyTea]

What does your husband say on all this?
you have presented it that your parents never gave you anything -really?
you seem to expect them to give you things then resent it when they don't- like the fact that you had to save to get a leak fixed- that's what grownups do!!! I just get the feeling that this isn't the first time that you have complained and maybe its just the final straw to your mum.

our stepsister has presumably been in your mum's life a long time- did she live with them or with her own mum? if the latter her mum's death isn't just an emotional trauma but also a practical issue- she has to find a new home

[Lynda07]

It's a shame you've fallen out with your parents because, apart from anything else, I've no doubt they'd have left you a decent bit int their wills. I know they is way ahead but would be welcome when it arrived.

I'm sorry they haven't helped you more, it does sound as though you've had a struggle and they've acted a bit mean - if they are serious which they might not be. However comparing your lot to that of your sister is not helpful. They gave to what they perceived as the area of greatest need at the time and you probably seemed as though you were OK.

You'll manage, op, however I do hope you repair the relationship with your parents. It's far too important to let go over money.

[MzHz]

@lowlandLucky

Good God, you poor soul, i cant imagine how hurt you must feel. Focus on your family, your Husband, your baby and in laws. You can get a copy of your Grandmothers will online, make sure you do it, your parents have obviously been up to no good and that is why they have threatened you, do allow them to rob your Grandmother of her last wishes.
Be strong and send the message that you will not be walked over anymore.

^ This. It’s the only response. Honestly.

Drop them and don’t let them have access to you/your lives again.

You deserved better, so make a better family with your husband and dc.