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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neglectful family or me?

132 replies

Ecclescakes20 · 31/05/2020 15:09

Hi,

I am hoping to gain some much needed perspective and difference in views. I’m 33, and have just had my first baby after being married last year.

It’s fair to say I’ve struggled financially since finishing university, and as we all do, have had some big and brutal bumps in the road. I had £2k of debt to pay, or the uni said I wouldnt get my degree. My parents refused to help, and my friends bailed me out.

Bumps range from losing jobs to having money stolen from me. I was also taken by a builder who bodged work on my house, and it’s taken my husband and his dad over a year to fix themselves, as we couldn’t afford more builders.

My parents, to be straight, are apparently wealthy. They own numerous houses and businesses, have a collection of expensive cars etc. They work hard, and have had good fortune.

My mum adopted my step fathers daughter recently, as her mother died which is obviously awful.

I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.

The adopted sister is 18, and just finished school.

I have been told that if you want something in life, there are no handouts, go and earn it if you want it. This has been my path.

Over the years I feel more and more resentful to my parents. My sister seems to get her life remapped and fixed with every new drama, and recently has been bought a house and had it fully renovated for her. While she bought it from them for what they paid, she made a lot of money and has a lovely new home.

My house has leaked for over a year, and they haven’t even as much as phoned me about it. I spoke to my mum and she said they would give us some money to fix it, as I was pregnant and we really were in a bind.

This never materialised and have had to save and husband do the work himself.

The final straw came when my grandmother died, and I found out they had lied about inheritance. When questioned, they emailed me with a threat of legal action. I was 6 months pregnant. They bought the 18 year old a flat with my family money, and gave her a huge chunk of money, which was not in the will. We were told expressly that it was, and I feel duped by This man.

I want to know if I am being unreasonable, if I should be more adult and realise I am not their responsibility. I just feel that I am being laughed at, and it’s broken our relationship.

When I couldn’t take any more I opened up and told them all of this. They now say they don’t want to contact again, and will never see my son.

It’s heartbreaking but I just need some differing opinion as I am going out of my mind.

Please be kind, but please be honest.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Ecclescakes20 · 31/05/2020 16:57

My direct grandmother.

The step fathers daughter wasn’t named in the will. We were told she was and they effectively gave her the same from their pocket.

The step fathers daughter has a flat bought from the proceeds of my grandmothers money.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 31/05/2020 16:57

It's awful but you wont change them.
Cut them off and focus on your new family.

Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 17:00

If it’s from their pocket why does that matter?

BenScalesIsAGod · 31/05/2020 17:01

Did you get your ‘share’ of money from the will?

titchy · 31/05/2020 17:01

So if you're a blood grandchild why weren't you named?

If your parents chose to to give some of what they inherited to your adopted sister that's up to them.

Your attitude towards your sisters MH issues is pretty shit and dismissive, and no one is ever ever entitled to their parents cash.

That said if your mother is happy to go no contact with you and her grandchild that is abysmal, and frankly you're better off without them.

Original poster
Ecclescakes20 · 31/05/2020 17:02

It’s less the money, more the lying and deceit. It’s up to them how the spend money and whom they share with.

When her grandmother passes, I am confident I won’t be afforded the same generosity.

OP posts:
Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 17:04

It sounds about the money. I think it’s fair enough if that’s how they want to spend the money it’s up to your mum. But they shouldn’t have lied. It’s a nice thing she was doing no need to be cloak and dagger about it

Hilda40 · 31/05/2020 17:05

DID OR DID YOU NOT GET YOUR SHARE OF YOUR GRANMOTHERS WILL. YES OR NO.

Whatswrongwithmenow · 31/05/2020 17:07

Your parents may feel that it's no more their responsibility to bail you out than your husband's family... you're married, your family unit is you, your husband and child. You shouldn't be expecting handouts from your parents.

Your sister with the manic episodes I'll guess is unmarried? On her own? So it makes sense that she should receive parental help especially with MH difficulties, whether or not you perceive these as genuine.

The will thing doesn't make sense. As I read it you got what was due (let's say 5 grandkids, 300k estate, each gets 60k) but your mum gave your SS the same amount separately? Or are you saying it was split 6 ways to include her and not 5, so you only got 50k?

In either scenario does it really matter?! If she gets the same, or you get slightly less of the total so she gets an equal share? Granny could have left it all to the dogs home and you all would have got nothing Maybe be grateful for what you DO have.

TorkTorkBam · 31/05/2020 17:08

You will end up with the better life though it will be harder at first. Being cosseted early on rarely ends well.

You have gone back to uni as a mature student it seems and have got pregnant soon after. These are all lovely things but will hit a bank balance hard. You'll get through it.

Have you started making money out of your new degree yet? What about your DH? Presumably he is a similar age to you, is he on the up as well?

Original poster
Ecclescakes20 · 31/05/2020 17:09

Yes Hilda, I did.

My concern is around the lying and then the immediate use of it to his daughter after over a decade of not helping myself and my family.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2020 17:09

OP - did you get ANY money from the will?

titchy · 31/05/2020 17:11

Your adopted sister is legally as entitled to any inheritance as a blood sister - that's what adoption means. So if your grandmother left all her blood grandchildren something then it's only right that she should have been included and your parents have done the right thing legally and morally in rectifying that. It was their money they used not your family money. Hmm

Anon20201 · 31/05/2020 17:12

I know exactly how you feel. I’m older than you and trust me things will not get better just worse! I’ve been doing a lot of meditation recently and have realised all my issues stem from my family. I comfort eat or emotional eat whatever it’s called. You have to realise They won’t change so just change your expectations of them. I know it’s painful.

Original poster
Ecclescakes20 · 31/05/2020 17:13

University was some 11years ago. I referenced this because I’ve been struggling for many years without their help or interest.

When this girl turns 18, they can’t seem to throw money and material support at her fast enough.

Can I also be clear here about MH.

My sister does NOT have a MH condition. I wouldn’t never talk of or judge those that do. Her extreme behaviours resulted in her being seriously considered for it. I would never make light of MH so please don’t make that assumption. Thank you.

OP posts:
CrystalTipped · 31/05/2020 17:13

When her grandmother passes, I am confident I won’t be afforded the same generosity.

And why would you be? I'm assuming you weren't adopted into their family?

As long as you got your legal share of the will, you should not be obsessing about what was done with the rest. It's not your business. Have your resentments towards your stepfather and his daughter something to do with this rift?

You need to separate out your legitimate complaints from your bitterness and jealousy.

Costacoffeeplease · 31/05/2020 17:13

So you got your share from the inheritance. What they do with the rest is up to them

Pleasenodont · 31/05/2020 17:14

Awful situation OP, I really do feel for you. Your sister is obviously the favourite and now your DM has adopted someone else to be another favourite, more reason to leave you out. Just horrid, never understood how any parent can act this way.

I’d personally cut them out entirely.

SunshineCake · 31/05/2020 17:15

Your posts all Read like you didn't get your due inheritance then you casually say you did. It seems like you're annoyed your sister is getting the same. You aren't missing out by her getting the money. Clearly they treat you differently but the inheritance isn't a justified moan imo.

WhiteCat1704 · 31/05/2020 17:19

Hmm... Maybe they bought her a flat at 18 so she moves out? Is she going to university?

It's sad that you didn't get help but you are standing on your own two feet and don't owe them anything...remember that when they ask for you help!

Aspergallus · 31/05/2020 17:19

@SeriouslySoDoneIn that’s incorrect. You can be sectioned for psychiatric assessment. A GP might do this if they feel that assessment of someone’s behaviour is necessary. Once assessed by a psychiatrist the section might be revoked because the individual is not unwell but just behaving unusually, badly, dramatically etc...so ultimately yes, the OPs interpretation could be the reality of the situation as she sees it.

JumpingAtJackdaws · 31/05/2020 17:20

The unfairness and discrimination must be very difficult to live with. My family never had money so have never helped me at all, but I can imagine if there is money, and others are benefiting from it, it must be a bitter pill to swallow.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 31/05/2020 17:21

You made it sound like you'd got nothing she your step sister had got it instead. It now appears that you did get what was left to you, you're just cross that your sister was given a gift by her legal parents of the same value.

It seems quite low to draw a distinction between yourself and a sister who is adopted by your mum. She's been through enough without you making out the adoption isn't real, surely. They can give gifts to who they like. If you were going to go off the deep end simply because someone else has got a gift of the same value as you when you think she should have been left out because she's not a real child of the family, you lose my sympathy completely. If this has been received as enormously hurtful and petty-and I can see why it would be-I'm not surprised they've had enough.

Onone · 31/05/2020 17:23

This sort of thing happened to my dh,he has two siblings that his parents helped out with house purchases,cars,money,baby stuff you name it,not once have they offered anything to my dh,boils my piss

formerbabe · 31/05/2020 17:24

As a pp said, they don't have to help you.

Moving forward op, when they are old and infirm, you don't have to help them remember!